Social Cues are my Achilles heel

[@R4m53Y]

@Gerald Wingus: I've done that so many times!! I've missed so many opportunities with women! I'm glad I'm not the only person who does that! I wish there was some kind of treatment for that! If some therapist would invent flash cards or some type of treatment to help me recognize opportunities with the opposite sex! Or a chick will be attracted to me and then my "weird" conversational style will kick in and they'll dump me!

I've always struggled in reading the opposite sex in every way

 

[MR TV]

There was a gal i met in San Francisco and she gave me her phone number. I was talking to her from Los Angeles and we seemed to like each other. Then I saw her at a party in Los Angeles and didn't recognize her and she dumped me! I later found out there is something in autism called "face blindness", where you have a hard time recognizing faces. So, maybe it wasn't my fault!!

 

[@R4m53Y]

There was a gal i met in San Francisco and she gave me her phone number. I was talking to her from Los Angeles and we seemed to like each other. Then I saw her at a party in Los Angeles and didn't recognize her and she dumped me! I later found out there is something in autism called "face blindness", where you have a hard time recognizing faces. So, maybe it wasn't my fault!!

I freeze and my mind goes blank in similar situations

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I struggle with same also I wouldn't have know that was an invitation tho I'm not that lucky either tbh

That is the first time in my life that a woman that I did not know reacted that way towards me. So, I guess I could be excused for not noticing.

However, it made me feel good once I processed it. Much of my past isolation came from when I did not recognize social communication. I did a lot of work on myself. Here is an exerpt from a narrative I am writing as a last assignment in my therapy.

Finally, Disgusted at my watching the Muppet Show on Friday nights instead of being out with somebody, I was determined to change. Even as I did not feel like a stereotypical male, I went on a program of self improvement:

• I read books about body language and social communication as well as the self help books that started out with exhortations to like yourself and ways to do that.
• I dove into my interests, doing some traveling now that I had money and enjoyed my fossil and mineral collecting. I would attend theater alone and be unafraid of doing things by myself.
• I joined the Michigan Mineralogical Society and the Sierra Club and participated in activities.
• I started dating with women who were acquainted with me, though I still did not have the confidence to ask the woman I had the crush on: I felt like a rejection from her would be devastating. One led to a short term relationship and I enjoyed the innocent exploration of sexuality, cuddling and kissing. We broke up when she ghosted me as we had quite incompatible interests, and I was sad for about a week. I was more upset that she couldn't just have told me.

This all was a huge change for me. Slowly I was maturing socially, I thought well of myself, but still was confused at never being desired by a woman. That was probably a function of some lingering social deficits as well as not being free of those negatives that I had told myself for so long and even as I improved I still felt very shy around women I saw as cute and attractive. I was so very confused that when out with others they would tell me that a woman seemed to like me or at the end of an interaction telling me that she wanted a kiss. I still did not understand.

 

[@R4m53Y]

That is the first time in my life that a woman that I did not know reacted that way towards me. So, I guess I could be excused for not noticing.

However, it made me feel good once I processed it. Much of my past isolation came from when I did not recognize social communication. I did a lot of work on myself. Here is an exerpt from a narrative I am writing as a last assignment in my therapy.

Finally, Disgusted at my watching the Muppet Show on Friday nights instead of being out with somebody, I was determined to change. Even as I did not feel like a stereotypical male, I went on a program of self improvement:

• I read books about body language and social communication as well as the self help books that started out with exhortations to like yourself and ways to do that.
• I dove into my interests, doing some traveling now that I had money and enjoyed my fossil and mineral collecting. I would attend theater alone and be unafraid of doing things by myself.
• I joined the Michigan Mineralogical Society and the Sierra Club and participated in activities.
• I started dating with women who were acquainted with me, though I still did not have the confidence to ask the woman I had the crush on: I felt like a rejection from her would be devastating. One led to a short term relationship and I enjoyed the innocent exploration of sexuality, cuddling and kissing. We broke up when she ghosted me as we had quite incompatible interests, and I was sad for about a week. I was more upset that she couldn't just have told me.

This all was a huge change for me. Slowly I was maturing socially, I thought well of myself, but still was confused at never being desired by a woman. That was probably a function of some lingering social deficits as well as not being free of those negatives that I had told myself for so long and even as I improved I still felt very shy around women I saw as cute and attractive. I was so very confused that when out with others they would tell me that a woman seemed to like me or at the end of an interaction telling me that she wanted a kiss. I still did not understand.

May I ask how old are you

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Gerald Wingus: I've done that so many times!! I've missed so many opportunities with women! I'm glad I'm not the only person who does that! I wish there was some kind of treatment for that! If some therapist would invent flash cards or some type of treatment to help me recognize opportunities with the opposite sex! Or a chick will be attracted to me and then my "weird" conversational style will kick in and they'll dump me!

I am convinced is that what we aspie guys need is a good wingman that understands us enough to guide us in the moment. But part of forgiving myself is to not play the "what if" game.

 

[@R4m53Y]

I am convinced is that what we aspie guys need is a good wingman that understands us enough to guide us in the moment. But part of forgiving myself is to not play the "what if" game.

I agree

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

May I ask how old are you

72. I was diagnosed at 60 and last year started Cognitive processing therapy. My biggest change came at 25 when I was determined to enjoy a relationship. I was a virgin until 28 and my life prior to that had the power to upset me terribly.

 

[@R4m53Y]

72. I was diagnosed at 60 and last year started Cognitive processing therapy. My biggest change came at 25 when I was determined to enjoy a relationship. I was a virgin until 28 and my life prior to that had the power to upset me terribly.

Was it a site for people with autism you chatted to this lady

 

[MR TV]

I had a lot of experiences when I was a teenager and in my early 20's that women were attracted to me and I couldn't pick up on it. When I was a teenager I started lifting weights and became a body builder and even though I was shy, some women were attracted to me. Sometimes I picked up on it and sometimes I didn't. One time my friend told me, "Catherine thinks you're a hunk and she wants to make out with you." So, I went over to Catherine's and we made out. Because people with autism understand direct language. She wants to make out with you, that's very direct. Once, when I was like, 20, this girl came up to me at a party and put her arms around me and said something provocative. I totally froze up. I had no idea what to say or do. I had several experinces like that, but finally I met a girl named Jane and we started dating. So, I finally got the hang of it and started dating like a normal person, for a while.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I had a lot of experiences when I was a teenager and in my early 20's that women were attracted to me and I couldn't pick up on it. When I was a teenager I started lifting weights and became a body builder and even though I was shy, some women were attracted to me. Sometimes I picked up on it and sometimes I didn't. One time my friend told me, "Catherine thinks you're a hunk and she wants to make out with you." So, I went over to Catherine's and we made out. Because people with autism understand direct language. She wants to make out with you, that's very direct. Once, when I was like, 20, this girl came up to me at a party and put her arms around me and said something provocative. I totally froze up. I had no idea what to say or do. I had several experinces like that, but finally I met a girl named Jane and we started dating. So, I finally got the hang of it and started dating like a normal person, for a while.

You are fortunate you had the opportunities. I never saw that I did. I could workout, sometimes intensely but never put on any muscle mass. In H.S. I was getting training in, and facing, Class IV+ Whitewater in early kayaks, not the modern playboats of today, but nobody paid attention. I was invisible. Nobody understood putting your life on the line to rely on skill to stay safe.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Was it a site for people with autism you chatted to this lady

You must mean the OP.

 

[@R4m53Y]

You must mean the OP.

??

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

??

The original poster, @ShaunG who was having a conversation with somebody.

 

[MR TV]

I'm a comedian. time I was performing at an open mic and this female comedian got up after me and started talking about how cool I was, how she liked my clothes, she thought I was good looking, she liked my comedy! I just sat there listening to her, not picking up on the whole thing. As I was leaving the club, I was driving away in my car when I started thinking, "Wait a minute! That chick was CRAZY about me!" I thought about driving back to the club and trying to find her, but everyone had already left. There was a woman named Maria in San Francisco who was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and she got interested in me and I didn't pick up on it. I think in some cases, it seemed to good to be true, I mean, Maria is the most beautiful woman I've ever met, she COULDN'T be interested in me! I've done that in my professional life as well, I've had offers to get into television and film and I didn't pick up on what was going on and by the time I figured it out, it was too late to pick up on the opportunity. I've GOT to find some way to stop doing this and start picking up on opportunities! There has to be some type of therapy that could reverse this characteristic! I've missed out on too many offers!

 

[MR TV]

One thing about me is that I started becoming a famous comedian when I was still in my early '20's. Women would come up to me after I did a show and want to make it with me. I had, like, groupies, it was great! I still blew it sometimes by saying inappropriate things, but sometimes it was great!

 

[ShaunG]

Hi Shaun

Mmmm, strange, because having some autistic features, suggests that your therapist actually has no idea lol because to be classified under the autism umbrella, one has to have more than "some features"

I would love to give my opinion on also having ADHD, but, since I am only beginning to understand, I will refrain from talking about it.

Hope you enjoy being here.

That's my description, not my therapist's .

 

[ShaunG]

Welcome!



In my experience, if you're being misunderstood, and especially by multiple people, it's because your wording and/or gestures and tone, are commonly interpreted as having different meanings than what you intended.

This is similar to how when traveling, one may come to learn that a term, phrase or gesture, in another place, has a significantly different meaning than the one you're used to.

In such situations, it may be helpful to ask the other person to explain, or when saying something, or paraphrase it right away to minimize the risk of ambiguity.

It's always a certain type of person that misunderstands me. It's always at work that it happens, and it's people who do everything by the book. I don't really have a working memory so I fly by the seat of my pants and some people can't handle that for whatever reason. Also, I tend to run circles around them when it comes to being productive, which seems to exacerbate things. And yes, sometimes I tend to say things that mean something completely different coming out of my mouth than it does going into their ears

 

[ShaunG]

Welcome @ShaunG,

Self-awareness is often the first step towards becoming that "better person" you hope to be. I am 55 years old,...and I can tell you for sure, it's a work in progress. Learn as much as you can about yourself,...be self-aware,...and before you engage in a social interaction,...take that second or two to pause,...taking in as much verbal and non-verbal communication,...take in the specific context and perspective,...then, if you can, respond in a "calm, assertive" voice.

Historically, my issues have been this combination of (1) not reading people, (2) not narrowing things down to their context and perspective,...and not respecting another's "personal truths", (3) coming off as an annoying "know-it-all", and (4) having a quick wit,...firing off a response very quickly without pausing to take in all the information.

Now, do understand,...and I think this applies to everyone,...autistic or not,...that if the conversation is important enough,...those that test morals and ethics,...people WILL take offense,...they just will. However, these types of conversations are important and should be had,...on the condition that everyone should be in the proper "head space" to have the conversation before it ensues. If not,...it just becomes an emotional shouting match.

Unfortunately my symptoms are too all encompassing and I have never been able to do this. In my life, when I've tried to read people I always get it wrong and it blows up in my face, so I don't go there. I have no control over it. I am beginning to realize that I have very weak personal boundaries, most likely because I cannot detect social cues that outline another person's boundaries. I tend to be overly friendly with people I have just met and treat them as if they are my best friend or as I have known them for years. Most people seem fine with it, but a certain percentage of people take it wildly wrong and overreact to it. Oddly, it's always Caucasians who freak out, never racial minorities. :Shrug Not sure why that is (I'm Caucasian for anyone wondering).

 

[ShaunG]

I was part of a get together and helped a friend with planning food (he is disorganized for that) and I was the grillmaster and enjoying it. My work done, I went up to the deck to relax and went over to the cooler to get a beer. As I returned to my spot I was sidling past a group of women when one reached out to caress my upper arm. I know that such touch is an invitation, but that went over my head. Had I processed it in the moment, I would have stopped to introduce myself and talked. I have thought at times that women do not notice me so was not primed to recognize such interaction, especially from an attractive woman.

For too long as a teen and young adult I was terribly afraid of rejection. That led me to self reject and deny my emotions until I became quite socially dysfunctional. I am my own worst enemy at times. I am completing therapy for PTSD resulting from my isolation.

I have always had this same problem and when I believed a girl liked me, if I went for it they were like, "What are you doing?" so I just let them come on to me first. I am married, but dating was a minefield for me for the very reasons you outlined.