As the title states, this is my introduction. I'm not very good at them, and most of the time I'm left wondering if I've made a oddly terrible impression. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2023 at 45 year old, and I suppose I've been experiencing a bit of an identity crisis since. I feel like somewhat of a fraud, and I believe that's because of my inability to sense, coupled with a strong desire to understand how others see the world and how they see me. It doesn't help that, because others can't feel what I feel, and I strive to appear "normal" I've gotten more than a few raised eyebrows when I've challenged myself to divulge my diagnosis. I feel separate from the pack, as though I'm in a bubble that's disconnected from those around me. Others seem to just "get" how things work, and I feel like I constantly struggle for the perfect response. I try to sense the world around me, other's impressions of me, true impressions of things I've said. Often I'm left wondering if the world is at all an honest place, because of the amount of detail assumed by others to be sufficient, and my need for detailed clarity. It just feel like the world is dreadfully ambiguous. I work in healthcare, probably the last career I would have picked if I realized part of my problem is constantly having to talk with people and being challenged with questions. Again, I struggle with feeling the need to always have the perfect response. Where I work, it's a nightmare of inconsistency, perfect responses are often unappreciated, and hard to come by due to lack of support. I can't find a local support group for people in my situation, so I'm wondering what's it like for others on this forum?
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So, this is my introduction
- Thread starter He_Rex
- Start date
Well, you've found your people. I too, work in healthcare, as does my wife, and yes, I can totally relate to your experience.
In my experience, the best thing I did was simply accept the situation. It is what it is. You and I and everyone else here will never be perceived as "normal". You have to be willing to simply let that baggage go. Stop looking to please other people. Stop looking for validation. Stop trying to guess what others think of you. Most people are not thinking of you nearly as much as you seem to think they do. You're literally not that important to them. LOL!
Wipe that crap off your plate and you can focus upon being you. It takes a load off the mind.This autism-related lack of cognitive empathy, this "mind-blindness" is not something you can overcome, so again, you just have to simply accept it. I've been married for nearly 40 years to the same wonderful woman, and I will never, ever "know" her. I haven't a clue what she is thinking at any given time. I have to ask. Simple as that. When I am out in the world dealing with the public, as we do in healthcare, I don't know what others are thinking. I have to take what they say and do at face value. Are there people that can be deceptive? Absolutely, but those situations are not as common as one might catastrophize oneself about. When the front door rings or a phone rings, I rarely answer. I let my wife interact with people. I know I can be taken advantage of. I can perceive levels of intelligence, but I cannot perceive intent. So, I will let my wife do most of the talking.
My co-workers and students know that I am autistic...and they literally don't care. It's not ever brought up. I can talk about it freely when I want to...albeit with a sense of humor. If it gets serious, that's when it gets awkward. I also have found fellow nurses, respiratory therapists, and physicians who are also autistic. It's not as uncommon as one might think. For the most part, at least at work, (1) Do you know your job?, (2) Are you reliable?, (3) Are you eager to help others?
Welcome to the club
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Welcome to the forum!
I think every one of us here has made an oddly terrible impression, I do it pretty regularly. Much of what you have written also describes most of us. I think you will fit right in.
You are not suffering an identity crisis. What you are experiencing is losing your made up false identity, and developing your real identity. Again, this is fairly common among us who have been diagnosed late. It certainly applies to me. I also suffer from the ambiguity that most people never seem to notice. You strive to appear normal; we call that "masking." And I think almost all of us have felt isolated and left out of the pack.
Read our stories, comment when you feel comfortable, and learn about your new community. You will feel a part of us in no time.
Xinyta
♡Goofy genderfluid person♡ They/Them/She/Her
Glad to have you with us, @He_Rex
This odd disconnection is most definitely something we all face every day. Something lost in translation. Something not said in terms we can immediately understand. In jokes, sarcasm, turn of phrase, etc. It does make things ambiguous and disjointed. But alot of it is context that we cannot pick up as easily without practice, comparatively to NTs. But on the flip side. We are capable of things that turn NTs heads in question to how the heck we can do what we do.
In that sense. There is almost a balance in deficiencies on both sides.
This odd disconnection is most definitely something we all face every day. Something lost in translation. Something not said in terms we can immediately understand. In jokes, sarcasm, turn of phrase, etc. It does make things ambiguous and disjointed. But alot of it is context that we cannot pick up as easily without practice, comparatively to NTs. But on the flip side. We are capable of things that turn NTs heads in question to how the heck we can do what we do.
In that sense. There is almost a balance in deficiencies on both sides.
None of us are perfect here. I used to be, but then I thought I made a mistake when I actually didn't, so there went my perfection. 
Welcome to the forum!
maleonolo
Active Member
Do NTs really know each other? It seems to my mind that most people accept the persona everyone else puts on as their real self for the most part. The opposite would be like a fat person asking their bf/gf if they look fat and not accepting their white lieWell, you've found your people. I too, work in healthcare, as does my wife, and yes, I can totally relate to your experience.
In my experience, the best thing I did was simply accept the situation. It is what it is. You and I and everyone else here will never be perceived as "normal". You have to be willing to simply let that baggage go. Stop looking to please other people. Stop looking for validation. Stop trying to guess what others think of you. Most people are not thinking of you nearly as much as you seem to think they do. You're literally not that important to them. LOL!
This autism-related lack of cognitive empathy, this "mind-blindness" is not something you can overcome, so again, you just have to simply accept it. I've been married for nearly 40 years to the same wonderful woman, and I will never, ever "know" her. I haven't a clue what she is thinking at any given time. I have to ask. Simple as that. When I am out in the world dealing with the public, as we do in healthcare, I don't know what others are thinking. I have to take what they say and do at face value. Are there people that can be deceptive? Absolutely, but those situations are not as common as one might catastrophize oneself about. When the front door rings or a phone rings, I rarely answer. I let my wife interact with people. I know I can be taken advantage of. I can perceive levels of intelligence, but I cannot perceive intent. So, I will let my wife do most of the talking.
My co-workers and students know that I am autistic...and they literally don't care. It's not ever brought up. I can talk about it freely when I want to...albeit with a sense of humor. If it gets serious, that's when it gets awkward. I also have found fellow nurses, respiratory therapists, and physicians who are also autistic. It's not as uncommon as one might think. For the most part, at least at work, (1) Do you know your job?, (2) Are you reliable?, (3) Are you eager to help others?
Welcome to the club
I see where you are going with this, but the comment was made in a more simplified sense. In your example, if they are NT, they often share a common NT sensory, emotional, social, and communication experience that allows them to relate to each other...that autistics might not. If you are autistic...the same, and why we are all here.
Thank you for your response. It's helpful to hear "you've found your people". I appreciate your response, really...all the responses I received. If you're able to expand on your thoughts, I'd be appreciative. How is someone able to stop being a people pleaser? How were you able to accept the mind blindness? Most of the time I feel like I'm one misstep away from doing something that's going to piss someone off, and because I see things just a bit different that I'll somehow be at fault. So, I try to bend over backwards to do whatever I can to keep things pleasant, often doing more than my share because I'm unsure what is good enough. Then there are the before times, when I was able to fake my way through uncomfortable situations and make someone laugh. It was at least a fall back. I just don't think I can do it anymore and I was truly funny enough to keep others at bay. It made it so I wouldn't ever have to get really personal about myself as an added benefit. Often now, I'm excessively quiet, and am frequently asked if something is the matter with me. We went to a party for my daughter to be able to socialize with some of her peers, and I sat separately from the other adults. It didn't help they already all seemed to know each other, but they were trying to be inclusive. I just didn't have it in me to want to participate despite their generous nature, the anxiety was intense, and I didn't think they'd want to hear me ramble about fish tanks. Somehow, all of these inadequacies make me wonder in those moments if I'm making everyone around me uncomfortable, and that I'm wrong. So, how do you learn to accept yourself for who you are, and what your capable of?Well, you've found your people. I too, work in healthcare, as does my wife, and yes, I can totally relate to your experience.
In my experience, the best thing I did was simply accept the situation. It is what it is. You and I and everyone else here will never be perceived as "normal". You have to be willing to simply let that baggage go. Stop looking to please other people. Stop looking for validation. Stop trying to guess what others think of you. Most people are not thinking of you nearly as much as you seem to think they do. You're literally not that important to them. LOL!
This autism-related lack of cognitive empathy, this "mind-blindness" is not something you can overcome, so again, you just have to simply accept it. I've been married for nearly 40 years to the same wonderful woman, and I will never, ever "know" her. I haven't a clue what she is thinking at any given time. I have to ask. Simple as that. When I am out in the world dealing with the public, as we do in healthcare, I don't know what others are thinking. I have to take what they say and do at face value. Are there people that can be deceptive? Absolutely, but those situations are not as common as one might catastrophize oneself about. When the front door rings or a phone rings, I rarely answer. I let my wife interact with people. I know I can be taken advantage of. I can perceive levels of intelligence, but I cannot perceive intent. So, I will let my wife do most of the talking.
My co-workers and students know that I am autistic...and they literally don't care. It's not ever brought up. I can talk about it freely when I want to...albeit with a sense of humor. If it gets serious, that's when it gets awkward. I also have found fellow nurses, respiratory therapists, and physicians who are also autistic. It's not as uncommon as one might think. For the most part, at least at work, (1) Do you know your job?, (2) Are you reliable?, (3) Are you eager to help others?
Welcome to the club
I've begun to let my wife do most of the talking, too. Can't stand when someone dares to catch me off guard and come to my door. Sales clerks are the worst, and I don't mind being blunt when I want them to back off, otherwise she deals with them as well.
I think this is individualized, but for myself, it was basically letting go of my ego and the need for people to like me. That took some time and some introspection to realize that perhaps I wasn't as important to other people as I thought I was, that people might not recognize nor appreciate what or how I do things, that perhaps life goes on and the world keeps turning whether or not I am there. Now, this is balanced with the fact that when I am not there to do something, sometimes things might not get done with the thoroughness that I would like, that the details might be overlooked, that the quality of work (in my mind) may be somehow lacking. Instead of complaining about the situation, which always makes things worse, I create my own "dopamine hits" by doing things consistently of higher quality than that of my peers, but again, this is for myself, my own sense of pride, and not for anyone else to necessarily recognize and give me praise for. I keep my mouth shut, do what I do, and if and when someone recognizes how I do things...sometimes...then I might be recognized for it, but I don't need that validation. Basically, in this regard, I do things in ways that it gives ME pride and satisfaction, and what others think really doesn't matter.
With the mindset that one should change the things that can be changed for the better, but there are many things one cannot change. Adapt and overcome whenever possible. When it comes to not knowing, I simply ask. Pretty straight forward. No judgement. Accept it for what it is. You might be quite surprised what comes out of people's mouths that will leave you open-eyed and quietly thinking, "I would have never thought that in a million years.", but there it is and you learn something, for better or worse.
The "minefield" is often caused by our quick-witted responses, our cognitive biases, false assumptions, and mischaracterizations. Keep in mind, we are often thinking on an entirely different wavelength than other people. You might not fully understand their behaviors and motivations, cognitive biases, life experiences, and vice-versa. This is an opportunity to allow your intellectual curiosity to ask clarifying questions or start a conversation with "What are your thoughts on..." I often find that many people enjoy sharing their thoughts on things when you give them the "green light" to elaborate. Do not ever argue with them if you disagree. Let it be. Fact check later.
As far as being pleasant with people, please continue to do so, but balance that with (1) not being a "door mat" to walk upon and (2) your goal should not be "being liked". You should be pleasant in order to reduce stress and be welcoming. You may find that many other people, autistic or not, are initially anxious and apprehensive when confronting another person, it's actually a rare thing to run across someone who is an extreme extrovert who just gets joy out of dealing with people. If others see you as relaxed, "chill", with a pleasant demeanor, who greets them, asks how they are doing, etc. then most of the time the interaction will be good. Another related approach might be that of "calm assertiveness". When you walk into a room, you claim your space with a relaxed, but dominant body language, so when people see you, they see a natural leader that split second. At the hospital, I will walk into a room like I literally own the place and they are my guest. Most people will pick up their head and be quite receptive.
I used to think I was just introverted, but often times people would confuse this with shyness. I am NOT shy. I just find social interaction exhausting over time. I don't mind people, at all, BUT in small doses. Going to a large gathering, a retirement party for a colleague, a department Christmas party, etc. I will make an appearance, make my rounds, then leave. I can say I was there, chit-chatted with a few people, but the environment is too overwhelming and I quietly slip out the door after an hour or so. Family gatherings, as everyone is talking amongst themselves, I might slip away, grab a random book or magazine and read. I still might be listening to their conversation, but will just sit out of participating. My family is used to it.
I think what makes people uncomfortable in my experience is the situation where you literally "try too hard" to keep up with a group discussion and you are interjecting your thoughts with the wrong timing. Keep in mind, you might have a bit of a processing delay, very common in autism, but how it manifests itself is the fact that you literally cannot get a word in edgewise during a group conversation without clumsily blurting something out, interrupting the flow of the conversation. That's when you'll get the strange facial expressions from others. One-on-one, no problem. Enter a third person and I might step away or simply listen. The other thing that can happen is that we love to talk about our special interests and will somehow, "magically" make certain connections to redirect the conversation about say, your aquariums, or my plants, whatever. Then people walk away once you start monologuing. Another topic, monologuing. I find that I can stand up and lecture for hours in the classroom, but really struggle having a back-and-forth conversation. Psychologists call it a lack of reciprocity. When the conversation is no longer a conversation, but a lecture on a topic, the other person's eyes glaze over and they want to leave as quickly as they can.
Yes.
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Oops...
Forget I said that.
You get your dopamine hit through excellence.
I get mine from humour.
If you cannot be good,You get your dopamine hit through excellence.
I get mine from humour.
at least, be funny...!
I remember reading about humor somewhere. It sounds intriguing. I keep meaning to try it out sometime, but stuff always seems to pop up.. You are one of the most grounded and insightful people I have met.
Oops...
Forget I said that.
You get your dopamine hit through excellence.
I get mine from humour.
I'm never good.If you cannot be good,
at least, be funny...!
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