So, is this it?...

[mina]

So, should I just completely give up? My wonderful aspie bf will just never be able to give me emotional support? He will never be able to embrace me during moments of conflict between one another? He will never be able to tell me that everything will be okay? Will he always just shut down even if I did nothing wrong, but he that did me wrong?...I am justbso frustrated...I adore this man...but during nights like these I can't help but wonder if he truly is the one for me? Then I think about leaving him...then I think about how much that wouId affect my 6 yr old. And in the end, I always come to the conclusion that he is an aspie and is just wires differently. I don't blue him anymore. We live happily ever after, but our issues are never resolved....Oh Gosh, I don't even know what my question was now...

 

[mina]

So, should I just completely give up? My wonderful aspie bf will just never be able to give me emotional support? He will never be able to embrace me during moments of conflict between one another? He will never be able to tell me that everything will be okay? Will he always just shut down even if I did nothing wrong, but he that did me wrong?...I am just so frustrated...I adore this man...but during nights like these I can't help but wonder if he truly is the one for me? Then I think about leaving him...then I think about how much that wouId affect my 6 yr old. And in the end, I always come to the conclusion that he is an aspie and is just wired differently. I don't blame him anymore. We live happily ever after, but our issues are never resolved....Oh Gosh, I don't even know what my question was not...

 

[Beverly]

The truth is we are going to shut down, we can't express emotions well and, we rarely know without being told when our partners need a hug. We can't change how we perceive or process input and, that isn't the same as an NT.

That doesn't mean we can't learn and find solutions that work for us and for our partners. When he's calm and not focused on an interest or, in shutdown, talk to him openly and honestly and, calmly. begin by telling him that you do love him and, you want to make your relationship work. You want to find workable solutions for both of you. Talk it out together, don't get upset or angry, this is just a working session, a discussion to come up with ideas you can both try. Not every idea is going to work but, keep at it, you'll get it.

That's what I did with my NT husband. Now he knows that I don't express emotion much at all and, that he has to say "Hey, I need a hug." if he wants one from me. He understand that I will shutdown when I'm overloaded and, I've learned to simply tell him "overload." when it's about to happen. He then knows I can't stop it and, just leave me alone for a little while, I'll be okay.

I learned to tell him what I am feeling and he knows to accept that and not expect an emotional display from me. I know that when he is upset, it's best for me to leave the room until he clams down so that I don't get overloaded or, yell back if he's ranting about something that happened outside our home.

We have both learned not to yell at each other but, to say "When you are able, we need to have a serious talk." That lets him get in a clam frame of mind and me mentally prepare for an in depth conversation.

it take effort, understanding and, patience from both the NT and the Aspie to make it work, and make it happy but, it can work and, you can both be happy.

Example: My NT husband has had a hard day at work and, his boss has reprimanded him. He comes home and is upset while telling me all of this.

My response sounds cold, uncaring but, that's just my lack of ability to express myself well when I reply. "I'm sorry, you did right, your boss was wrong and, I'd chew her arse if I could."

He knows to accept that and that I really do care that he had a bad day and, needs a better boss even if my tone doesn't sound like I care or mean it.

 

[mina]

Wow. I am truly grateful foe your input. This helps a lot in understanding my own relationship.

Our relationship is pretty awesome most of the time, but when it gets bent out of shape, it really gets distorted in the most unstable way possible.

This Feb he finally accepted that he is in fact an aspie. I had suspected he had asperger's for a couple of years now. After an awful argument this Feb I left for a drive to cool off around 2am, found this forum and the people here (like you) were super helpful that it gave me get the courage to talk to him openly about it. We both accepted that he has asperger's and I assured him that I love him regardless. He confessed that he had suspected he had it for some time, since high school (we are both 29 right now), but was scared to look into it. He says our diagnosis gave him a sense of relief but at the same time, embarrassment.

Our relationship really bettered right after this event. We researched together. We became more knowledgeable on asperger's and how it affects relationships. We were both (but mostly me...a lot) surprised as to how much these books and info reflected him and our relationship as a whole. They described my feeling so accurately. We are currently reading book together about a husband and wife, their troubled marriage and how they gained happiness again, with children and all.

I noticed much change in him and the way he handles conflict between us. He ACTUALLY said he was sorry! That was such a HUGE, RELATIONSHIP-CHANGING step! I was so happy! I make sure to always acknowledge his communication skills because that motivates him to continue working on them.

I also changed my way of being of course. I no longer snapped and expected a solution or response to conflict right during a moment of arguing. He would always shut down and tell me he didn't know what to say, or ask me what I wanted him to say. This would infuriate me and I would get so, very upset that he would then move forward to his usual hours or days of silent treatment (we talked until after I made the first move ands approached him, even if days after). Now, I give him space and give myself space to cool down. Then I approach him and let him know what bothered me and how I feel we could repair the damage. He appreciated the suggestions.

I am a teacher. So, one of the most valuable personal qualities I feel I have, is patience and compassion. I use these qualities up at work ongoingly. Every day. Then I come back home and use them again when I see me 6-yr-old. Then I have to use even more of them when my bf gets home. It's exhausting. It drains me. I feel like I am looking out for everyone, and making sure they are happy and healthy. I give them the emotional support they need. But it gets to me to think that no one takes very of this need for me. Then I feel so lonely. Obviously I want to be a girl and have my prince save me sometimes. I want him to just know what to do when I need him. These last couple of weeks this has really gotten to me. I broke down a few nights ago. And he tries, he really tries to get me and feels really bad that he makes me cry. But at the moment of the event, he seems emotionless. And I can't help it that it gets to me.

Last night, as we were laying in bed cuddling, I talked to him about how I feel about the situation. He hugged me and said he was sorry. He asked me what he can do to make things better. But I don't know what to say. I said that together we will find something. But just talking to him during a non-conflict time really helped him communicate verbally and physically (being more affectionate).

I truly appreciate your reply. Thank you so, so much. :')

 

[Warmheart]

Mina, you have wonderful courage. (((HUGS)))

Eva Mendes is an experienced, licensed counselor who works with NT/Aspie couples, and she may even do Skype sessions too.

Eva Mendes. LMHC, NCC Asperger/Autism Specialist, Couples Counselor

You might consider getting some guidance and support as a neurodiverse couple.

You will need to change what you can expect of your Aspie. But, giving emotional support is well within our capabilities!
Strong emotions can make us shut down, but we can learn to manage them better (meditation, mindfulness practices ).
Our cognitive empathy may be less snazzy than yours (missing facial cues/body language means we may not be able to guess what you are thinking) but once we *do* know how you feel (tell us in a brief, direct, non-confrontational way), our affective empathy can be phenomenal. Affective empathy means that we can feel how you feel. That's our chance to (Yay, finally!) be your emotional support.

We crave so very much to be our partner's strong shoulder, their soft place to fall. We need to hear it asked for.
Example: "I had a hard day honey, I feel unappreciated at work.... can I please have a hug?" <-- This! Please!

Our black & white thinking can make conflict resolution hard, because if we screwed up, we may think it means that WE are somehow "all bad." Luckily, Aspies can be more cognizant of our tendency toward black & white thinking, if we've got a great Aspie Whisperer/ ASD coach/counselor. We have learned to welcome criticism as an opportunity.

Better connection with your sweetie is possible. I can bet he longs for this, too.

I am sending you and your dear Aspie best wishes!

 

[Beverly]

mina, you are on the right track. Can you learn to communicate your feeling more like he does - calmly name each individual emotion and, suggest something that he could do that would ease or alleviate the negative or difficult feelings? Something like "I'm feeling exhausted and unappreciated. An occasional thank you for making dinner or offering to draw a bathe for me now and then would let me know that you appreciate me and, care about my well being."

It isn't that we don't want to show our partners we car, it's that what we think shows that really doesn't to an NT partner. My husband and I had the same problem, he felt I didn't really love him or care much about him but, I was cooking meals, making his lunches every day and, putting foods I knew he favored in there, making sure his room (we have separate bedrooms because he snores so loudly that I can't sleep in the same room with him) smelled fresh and clean each day. By the time he came home, I had finished ding everything I thought of to do for him so, after dinner, I would either get on the computer, work on a song I had in my head, or read - ignoring him entirely from his point of view.

I had to explain that I was showing love and concern by doing all of those things when he wasn't home and, I thought that was more than enough to get the message across. To him none of that meant love, it just meant I cared about the house and animals but, not him. Big eye opener for me, I needed to do something directly to or for him while he was home. That was the light bulb I hadn't thought to turn on in my brain. I had to ask him what would be good things for me to do that he would interpret as meaning I cared for and loved him. He gave me some ideas and, I was able to build on those.

he tells me i still come across as too stable to be "normal" and unemotional most of the time but, he knows that's just how I am, I feel it inside but never let it show - I can't because I don't know how and, expressing emotion is unique to each individual. If I were to copy what anyone else thinks is the way to express any given emotion, I'd just be acting, faking it. natural for me is to NOT express emotion beyond saying "I feel [insert emotion.]" my NT has to learn to accept that as my only means of letting him know how I am feeling at any moment and, he knows all he has to do is ask and, I will tell him. If he doesn't ask, I won't tell him because I then assume he does not want to know how I am feeling at that time.

NTs mostly have to learn to ask questions and be direct with us, and to let us be when we are overloaded or close to being overloaded. That and to make noise, say something before expecting us to really hear or see them if we are engrossed in our passion or current obsession. A simple "Hey, do you have a minute?" works fine for that.