So frustrated!

[Casey Clay]

What kind of stuff are we talking about here? Fact based things like we are going to dinner with so and so next week, or conceptual interpersonal relationship/ emotional stuff?

Hi
It can be about anything, it's as though his brain cant cope with more than one thing at a time meaning if he has something to think about when you ask a question then he can't cope its as if he can't understand the question, will give you an answer that isn't in tune with what you have just asked.
It's very bizarre.
The more things he has to do at any given time, the more stressed he becomes, the more anxious he is and then the more irritated he is.
He is a walking bag of misunderstandings, stress and anxiety.
Before I looked at how he may have autism I used to think he was just very selfish and self centred but the more time I have spent with him and the more I have spoken to his mother the more I understand and am adamant he has quite strong autism traits.
He even gets hugely exhausted the more things in a day he has to do or think about.
Every single day he has a day time/ afternoon sleep as if his brain has to shut down in order for him to feel better. He can have anything from 30mins to 2 hrs some days.
His ex.partner also used to thing he had autism and his son has recently been diagnosed with it too.
We are having more issues lately due to this communication problem.
He has his children he his brain cant cope, we go on holiday he can't cope, his parents ask him to do something he can't cope or manage his stress levels.
It's just one whole stressy time ....
I know how frustrated I am about this I cannot imagine how he feels !
But i believe he's had autism since childhood or birth....it's just never been picked up.....he had all the childhood signs .....fixation on moths...completely obsessed by them a long all the other traits ....

 

[phoe]

Sadly many of us are not good at "executive functioning", which means we're often struggling to cope with the 'basics' in life, like cleanliness, fending for ourselves, cooking & feeding (when I'm in a meltdown I'm prone to eating dry bread or biscuits because I just can't think straight).

As a result we often appear self centred because we can't cope with normal daily life, let alone include others' feeling.

That doesn't mean we don't love deeply, but the apparatus that lets others "do stuff automatically / easily" is just broken to a lesser or greater extent.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

Hi everyone
New to this site.
I need some advice.
Been in a 4 year relationship with my undiagnosed autistic boyfriend.
I am so frustrated and at the end of my tether.
I adore my boyfriend very much.
Our relationship consists of me doing everything, him not understanding most of our conversations and him appearing to only think about himself.
That along side the fact he just does not know how to discipline his children, is stressed and highly anxious all the time too.
He split from the mother of his children as she couldnt cope with his behaviours any longer.
We are supposed to be moving in together in 2 months and I just dont think i can do it any longer.
I just need someone to talk to who understands this

Hi Casey, I can sympathise with you aswell as seeing it from the point of view of your partner.
I am 46 and have only recently been diagnosed Aspergers. I know myself what a nightmare I must be to live with and I have had a string of failed relationships which on reflection can kind of understand why. I think it's only because we have a ten year old daughter with Autism /Aspergers that my partner is more sympathetic to the way I am and "gets me" where other women might have run a mile. Your partner probably doesn't intend to be awkward, indecisive and difficult but he can't help it.
Have you ever thought of encouraging him to seek a formal diagnosis? It might be beneficial to you both. I always knew myself and even my own Doctor who's known me 30+years said that he knew from the first time he ever me that I have Aspergers.

 

[phoe]

For what it's worth, if you can cope with the extra stress these issues can put on a relationship, it can be a strong, loving, long lasting relationship, it's our 25th anniversary in a few days !

 

[flawedplan]

Howdy folks, I only skimmed through this thread, but want to tell the OP that what you are going through is how things are with these mixed relationships. And there are all kinds of resources available to improve things. Books and online groups. You might google Dr. Kathie Marshak, who has a bunch of supportive resources online specifically for the non-autistic partner, including frequent online teaching seminars. And a couples workbook by Dr. Maxine Aston that is clear and affirming for both partners.

I wouldn't do this without couples therapy, but that's how I feel about any relationship, really. My 59 yr old Aspie and I have been a thing for three years and we fight like militants but with a sense of security, knowing it's going to get sorted out in our weekly session. And seeing him developing empathy and cognitive flexibility, knowing how hard it is for him, is incredible. But you need resources and a plan to make it work. Many couples are on this path. You can do this. Good luck.

 

[Ming of Mongo]

Sometimes the relationship has to stop. There will be other relationships for both of you. The thing to ask yourself is, are you a lover or a therapist in this relationship. Whatever his issues turn out to be, it sounds like a job for a professional.

 

[phoe]

There's no reason why you can't be both a lover and a therapist - all relationships need a degree of work putting in, but at least you know from the outset that he isn't perfect, and has his frailties.

Yes, I know we can be a pain in the arse at times, but if he's doing his best, however limited that might be in parts, you may recognise that's more than you'd get from others.

I have a thing about buying gifts, and it tears me apart every time my wife's birthday or Christmas comes around, but she's seen me go into a panic attack that lasted for days, and decided she'd rather not see me in that state again. I'll buy her anything she wants as long as there isn't an 'event' label attached to it - all I can think of is I was traumatised as a kid at my own birthday party, I can't stand receiving presents myself because I don't cope well with the 'unknown' aspect of gifts.

Everyone is different, most aspies are fiercely loyal, but just like a dog, we can't all do forward planning...