Should I fight this battle with DS?

[Maude]

We're going to visit our DH's family in a couple weeks, and they are wanting to get a family picture of all 16 of us together. We think DS6 has Aspergers (we're getting ready to start evaluations), and he HATES having his picture taken. We tried a year ago when we traveled there to get a family picture, and DS ended up frustrating everyone because he adamantly refused to comply. I told DH's family this time that DH, DD, and I would gladly take a picture, but I'm not going to fight that battle with DS. They are upset with me. But the thing is DS already has so much trouble every time we visit there b/c there are 8 kids (newborn-8 years old), 4 very yappy dogs, and Grandpa likes to play music and TV so loud we can't hear each other talk. It's just way too over-stimulating for DS. I don't feel it's fair to him to make him undergo one more thing when he's already on overload. And I can't really tell DH's family this because they don't believe DS has Aspergers. ("He's just a normal little boy!") Wdyt? Am I being difficult in this situation? Should I just try everything I can to make DS take the picture?

 

[watersprite]

I think it's nice you're on his side. I was (am) the same way as your son so I see it from the side of the person who does not want to be in a picture situation. I also am a parent and have always stubbornly thought that it is my decision not inlaws as to what is ultimately "demandable" from my offspring. Written with a warning here that I do tend to royally tick off my relatives.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Two of my 4 kids show aspie traits, and the other two have very unique characteristics as well...the youngest is about to turn 4. As I'm learning about AS, I'm becoming more aware of how difficult it can be for some kids to comply with social expectations. For me, if I'm concerned about a 6yo not being able to handle participating, I think I would probably (nicely) draw the line and say he doesn't want to and so he doesn't have to. Showing up for a photo is not a requirement for ethical or otherwise necessary-for-health behavior. Eating healthy foods, decent bedtime, doing homework...that kind of thing isn't so dependent on "want", but "need". But appearing in a photo? No way.

My family is the kind to get offended when we don't meet their expectations, too (although appearing in group photos isn't necessarily one of those areas). Just saying that I understand the difficulty, how you have to navigate so carefully sometimes to keep from offending while still protecting your child's unique personality and needs. We're slowly learning that it's okay, whether they like it or not, to make our own decisions for what we believe is best for us and our children.

 

[StephF]

DH ? DD ? DS ??

 

[DogwoodTree]

DH: dear husband
DD: dear daughter
DS: dear son

A number on the acronym, like DS6, might mean age or might mean birth order.

 

[Suzanne]

He is very much like me. I refuse to have my photo taken ( the one here, was candid) and people react insulted, but heck it is MY right to not have photos taken!!!

I personally wouldn't worry about what this family think, and concentrate on how your son thinks and don't go!

You come across as a good mum!

 

[Maude]

Thank you, everyone. Relating to DH's family is going to very hard in all the visits we make. They're super conservative and don't believe in Aspergers or ADHD, none of those things. They believe any problem areas are caused by lack of discipline, not being firm enough, etc. I feel when we're visiting his family, that we are constantly under a microscope and being judged. Conflict has always made me excessively uncomfortable, but when it's for my child, I'm more than willing to go to battle for him if need be. But please make it a nice, soft pillow battle, okay?

 

[DogwoodTree]

When I'm trying to psyche myself up to deal with my enmeshed family...who feel like their way of thinking is the only right way...I find it helps me to read some good boundaries books or even just to spend a few minutes visiting blogs and reading articles on keeping boundaries with enmeshed family members. It helps me get my head on straight before going into their warped world. Maybe some of that kind of reading would help encourage you as you're preparing for your trip?

 

[AsheSkyler]

I say you're a good person for sticking up for him when he's overwhelmed.

Now I vent!

Spoiler

That was me this Thanksgiving at the in-laws. I had mentally prepared for my husband's parents and siblings' immediate families. I was not prepared to see his mother's family, who are all very loud and in-your-face. I like the brother though, he's cool and fun to be around. And my mother-in-law hates him, all the more reason for me to like him! But the sheer level of NOISE those people put off... Between eleven adults, four kids, and an infant not counting my little group and the TV going full-blast, I spent a good bit of time just staring at the wall because listening was about all I was able to do. Y'all know how it is when you're an Aspie, you hear everything. There's no convenient little filter that lets you just block out unwanted crap like regular people say they have. And then they wanted a dang picture. I hate having my photo taken as is, but by that point, I was on the verge of cracking, so I just took advantage of my kid wanting to go outside and play. We stayed outside for a few hours while I tried to get my nerves under control. And then considering how whiny and demanding my mother-in-law is, my anxiety just kept compounding and building because I knew it was a matter of time before she came back later and tried to start a fight between me and my husband again because she didn't get everything she wanted. (My husband has caught on to her little dirty tricks now, so it's pretty hard for her to get between us at the moment. I hope it stays that way.)
And my mother-in-law also doesn't believe in a lot of stuff DESPITE being a nurse at a home for those considered mentally unacceptable and social rejects. Like pyromaniacs, kleptomaniacs, and people with dementia and schizophrenia. She blames everything on drugs. And she's the worst pill pusher I've met, she's all the time doping up her family with heavy pain meds instead of making them go to a doctor and get a proper dosage.

 

[Aspieistj]

If your in laws choose to deny your son's diagnosis, and their normal behavior makes him seriously uncomfortable, I believe he shouldn't have to visit them. Is it possible for your family to visit with the calmer and kinder relatives without the huge family gathering? I am extremely uncomfortable when surrounded by family, or other people I am expected to feel comfortable with. It would be nice if the relatives would cooperate and meet your son someplace peaceful and quiet. I would stress that noise (as he perceives it) is very uncomfortable for him and meeting with only a few people, who are willing to keep all the unnecessary stimulation to a minimum, would be greatly appreciated and also help him to adjust to being in a group. I would not tolerate anyone insisting that your son simply has to get used to noise. He has a real problem and all the other people who refuse to believe his diagnosis and torment him are being cruel. I had some awful family members--mostly my in laws--and they were completely pig headed about believing THEY were normal and I was a PIA. After I was divorced I was happy to let my kids visit all of them as long as the kids wanted to go, and the only time I went along was for a funeral. I drove home immediately after the burial and the kids and my ex participated in the "We're sorry you are dead party" that followed. When people are too stupid to accept scientific knowledge they should be prevented from upsetting your son. He needs your protection. I have, for at least the past 40 of my 70 years, refused to let anyone take my picture except for the motor vehicle department and when I wanted a passport. It is MY image and I will decide who may take my picture.

 

[zurb]

What is DH, DD, DS, Wdyt and PIA?

 

[DogwoodTree]

What is DH, DD and DS?

DH: dear husband
DD: dear daughter
DS: dear son

A number on the acronym, like DS6, might mean age or might mean birth order.

 

[Aspieistj]

What is DH, DD, DS, Wdyt and PIA?

Dear husband, daughter, son, What do you think and Pain in the ass. I don't even text and I can figure out this. I guess we just have to go with the flow and learn all this shorthand stuff.

 

[Keith]

Well, I have a history of being uncooperative when going somewhere, especially camping trips. However, once I get there, I'm fine. I've developed a realization that "If I don't go I'll regret it" because I'll say I don't want to go and then want to when it's too late.

 

[epath13]

Depends on a child. I have 2 kids on the spectrum. One is verbal and one is not. Both of them had problems with picture taking at some point. If I were you and it was only about the family picture, I wouldn't bother. If he doesn't want to take a picture - doesn't matter. We had to take passport pictures. With my younger son (non-verbal) the problem is only in his seeming inability to stay still. With my older son it was a little different. He was absolutely terrified. When he was about 2-3 years old he had to have an x-ray of his lungs after that he became terrified of taking pictures (he was fine after x-ray, he even liked it), he made some negative connection in his mind several months later. So when we had to take passport pictures I tried everything and anything, he wouldn't go and do it. So I said, that I was going to buy a teddy bear for him, the bear was going to make him feel comfortable and ease the anxiety. It worked. He was still scared but he did take the picture. Afterwards he called it a "special bear" that helped him. I'm sure it's not going to work for every child, but that's what we did. I think the solution would depend on the cause.