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Share good puns and jokes.
- Thread starter Mads
- Start date
Here is a "Mom" joke that my wife likes,...
Investigating a crime scene where a woman had shot a man because he walked across the kitchen floor that she'd just spent an hour sweeping, mopping, and waxing, a police officer radioed back to the police station to make his report.
"The woman in question is the man's wife, and she freaked out on him for stepping on the floor that she'd just thoroughly cleaned. The husband is still alive, but I haven't been able to get him to the ambulance outside."
"He's still inside the house?! Have you arrested her?" asks the surprised Police Chief.
"Oh, heck, no! The floor's still wet!"
Investigating a crime scene where a woman had shot a man because he walked across the kitchen floor that she'd just spent an hour sweeping, mopping, and waxing, a police officer radioed back to the police station to make his report.
"The woman in question is the man's wife, and she freaked out on him for stepping on the floor that she'd just thoroughly cleaned. The husband is still alive, but I haven't been able to get him to the ambulance outside."
"He's still inside the house?! Have you arrested her?" asks the surprised Police Chief.
"Oh, heck, no! The floor's still wet!"
Him: This article says that most automobile accidents happen within five miles of home.
Her: Maybe we should move...
Her: Maybe we should move...
H&R Block (a tax preparation franchise) once had a storefront adjoining our local pharmacy.
I asked the pharmacist, "Aren't you afraid they will tax your patients...?"
I asked the pharmacist, "Aren't you afraid they will tax your patients...?"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
More bear-related humor...
"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
Montana Grizzly Bear Notice...
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field."We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
That reminds me of the similar Bugs Bunny episodes.
Tortoise Wins By a Hare, Bugs Bunny (1943)
I’ve always hated Cecil Turtle and have written a fanfic Looney Tunes cartoon where Bugs “helps” Cecil hide from people chasing him only for someone else to go after him. And the cartoon ends with Cecil ending up in the Mushroom Kingdom and getting brutally beaten up by Mario.
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