Secrecy vs Disclosure

[JasonG]

Is it better to keep your Asperger's a secret, or to let people know who you are

I myself have preferred secrecy. However I wonder if that's the right way to go about? I'd like this discussion to be about it pertaining to dating as well, but just in general

Thoughts?

 

[Suzanne]

I only say when necessary to say.

One nt friend knows and doesn't treat me any different; just takes it in her stride.

Another sort of friend, knows and has not said anything, so I think that she just accepts and perhaps even appreciates why I fail to do certain things.

I do find it hard to not say anything and the few times I have revealed it, the response is so ridiculous, that it put me off. The thing is, you see, I look completely normal and I guess my problem is when I mention autism, because of the quizzical look when I say: aspergers, I get: what? No way are you autistic!

It is hard to not say, because being an aspie is a part of who we are, but there you go!

 

[Peeta]

I usually don't mention it, but if someone would ask me I'd be honest about it. My direct family knows, but I haven't told my extended family cause I know they'll look at me different. Also on the work floor I don't talk about it cause I don't know how people might respond. So it depends what response I expect from someone for me to talk about it. Especially cause most people don't seem to notice, I just let it be.

 

[jayster]

I'm just coming to terms with realising that I'm AS as an adult. I'm inclined to think I will keep it quiet; if I get a formal diagnosis, I'll consider telling my parents.

 

[Sarsaparilla]

When I first found out about my Asperger's, I told a few people, mainly because it became an interest and I wanted to talk about it. But at the time I hadn't really understood how it affected me and then I had a long period of doubt about whether I was really Asperger's (despite being diagnosed) and I stopped talking about it. I have never talked about it at work. Now I understand a bit more about my own flavour of Asperger's, I would perhaps be more able to explain it better to others.

I am very cautiously dipping my toe into dating again after over 10 years of being single and I am faced with whether to tell the potential partner. I suspect him of being an undiagnosed Aspie so that will make it easier.

 

[Harrison]

I'm one of the quirky aspies who doesn't hide it from anyone.

If I've lost any friends because I told them I was an aspie, then they weren't my friends. No boss has ever thought less of me and my current boss thinks my 'aspieness' is an asset to the team.

At the end of the day I have nothing to be ashamed of, aspergers isn't a disease.

 

[gonz]

I tend to keep it a secret. My gf is the only one I've told, haven't even told my family. She decided to tell a couple of people; her sister and her best friend. I didn't mind her sister knowing (though it would have been nice if gf had mentioned that I was trying to limit the number of people who knew, she went and told her whole family who already hated me) and her friend has been living with us for a year and a half, so I probably would have told her myself by now. Otherwise, no one knows.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Yes! Must be a ninja! You may see my quirks, you may be told of my comorbids, but only the most cunning or clever can catch the sneaky ninja and discover what they truly are. Mwahaha!

My weird little way of putting people through a test to see if they're worthy of me telling. I've known a lot of really judgmental and dense people, so there is a long hazing process to judge how trustworthy they are and if they're responsible enough to have that kind of information.

 

[nyxjord]

I've told multiple people at school since I'm thinking about starting a group and each time the person is like 'You have Autism? No way!' And then they are shocked for a few minutes and don't say anything more. I've never had a negative reaction (except maybe my sister saying 'Is that why you never say you love anyone?') Generally people are just shocked and then forget about it five minutes later... Haven't yet gotten a bad/negative response but then again I don't tell people who I think respond negatively.

 

[tachyon]

I have made the decision to tell almost nobody from my past about my diagnosis, but have no problem with informing anyone I meet in the future (although I will not be broadcasting it). Why not tell the existing crew? I can see that about 10-12 years ago I started (subconsciously) to adjust my behaviour and speech with them, removing the bits that seemed to irritate (and even infuriate) them. They now seem to be much happier with the current interface that they know as me so I will not risk any change there.
How bizarre is that? They prefer a sanitised interface to the real person, although I accept that the real person can sometimes be a PITA

 

[JasonG]

Is it just me, or are the ones who have said they are open about it tend to be happier? I mean like look at Harrison. He doesn't seem unhappy at all about who he is.

Maybe the better thing is to not be ashamed about who we are. Thanks for your input people, your perspective gives me a new view on life

 

[JasonG]

And by all means, feel free to keep this discussion going. I believe we all need this group therapy.

 

[Harrison]

Is it just me, or are the ones who have said they are open about it tend to be happier? I mean like look at Harrison. He doesn't seem unhappy at all about who he is.

Maybe the better thing is to not be ashamed about who we are. Thanks for your input people, your perspective gives me a new view on life

You are right there, I am happy with myself, finding out I was an aspie was the best thing that happened to me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Is it just me, or are the ones who have said they are open about it tend to be happier? I mean like look at Harrison. He doesn't seem unhappy at all about who he is.

Maybe the better thing is to not be ashamed about who we are. Thanks for your input people, your perspective gives me a new view on life

'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, you be implyin' I'm miserable? I derive too much pleasure in being a ninja to be unhappy! Not every Aspie out there has a driving passion to be upfront and honest.

 

[JasonG]

Well I did say most. Not all

 

[zenbutterfly]

I tell everyone! Having struggled with humans all my life, actually finding out I'm actually an aspie is life changing for me! I feel it's better for me if I tell people, then at least they know, I'm not just some weirdo. If you know what I mean? it's like I would love a friendship "contract", that I could say at the beginning of a friendship " looks sooner or later I'm going to insult you, it's not going to be deliberate so I'd appreciate if you would tell me, rather than getting all horrid with me and stopping talking to me! "
But yes after years and years of no friends and lonely because I didn't know. I think what have I actually got to lose by telling people? :-D

 

[On the Inside]

I may be getting to the point where I will tell more people. So far only my partner, my therapist, doctor and my partner's sister know. I had been largely successful at appearing mostly normal, but a little odd in some ways, I presented as different, but in control of my choices.

That started to change about 10 years ago, when I began to see that the flow I had been going with was not taking me anywhere. I was not growing and changing like my peers and friends. Some people started treating me differently and my attempts to make changes in my life were utter failures.

Since being diagnosed, I've been putting things back together and getting answers to those perplexing questions. If old friends/extended family are interested and willing to be accepting and caring, I will tell them. For now, I only say that I've had some problems with anxiety and sleep issues (all true) if they pry into how I'm doing. We've had our share of weird behavior, dysfunction and tragedies in my extended family that most of us are receptive to discussing personal problems.

I'm getting a bit weary of secrecy anyways.

 

[Judge]

I live in such relative isolation, in all honesty it probably wouldn't matter much if everyone knew.

But then it hasn't been a positive experience in telling my closest social contact, my own cousin who lives right here in town. I often find myself regretting having told her. It's definitely strained our relationship. It's taught me to be guarded about who I tell what to, although my own brother took it quite well.

 

[On the Inside]

I live in such relative isolation, in all honesty it probably wouldn't matter much if everyone knew.

But then it hasn't been a positive experience in telling my closest social contact, my own cousin who lives right here in town. I often find myself regretting having told her. It's definitely strained our relationship. It's taught me to be guarded about who I tell what to, although my own brother took it quite well.

If I were comfortable remaining in my relative isolation, I would do the same, but I would still like to make some positive changes in my life that will require me to come out of my shell a bit. That doesn't necessarily require telling people about being and Aspie, but it might come up.

 

[HappyHermit]

I'm not ready to draw any conclusions. If people who are open about being on the spectrum seem happier, I would really want to establish that we're dealing with cause and effect, and that's difficult on an internet forum. And then there would still be the chicken-and-egg problem: are they happier because they are open about it or are they open about it because they are happier?

I recall reading a number of posts where people said they don't tell others (especially at work) because chances are overwhelming that they wouldn't take it well. If you already know that, you're likely already not being treated as well as you could be, and you may not be the happiest person as a result. Being open about an often misunderstood neurological difference may not improve your situation at all in such circumstances. With friends, I agree - if they can't cope with that knowledge, they weren't really friends. But you can't usually change or dump jobs the way you can change or dump your social circle if need be - you usually need to endure whatever consequence follows for at least a while longer. So, I can understand being guarded at work / in situations that you can't easily leave.

In the past, I actually had a boss who was quite taken with several of my Aspie/HFA traits: no interest in socialising with co-workers, really good at working on my own in solitude, great persistence and an eye for detail, to name the ones I can think of off the top of my head. But I remain convinced that all that would have changed if I had told him that I'm on the autism spectrum. The negative image of Asperger's/HFA would have outweighed the obvious advantages for that job in his mind - I was intimately acquainted with what he thought of and how he treated other people who had disclosed i.e. depression, ADHD etc.

Of course I would love to say 'Just be who you are and let the chips fall where they may', and I'm sure that's good advice for a number of situations. But many non-autistic people really aren't that well-informed and tolerant, and that's why I always run through a worst-case scenario before telling someone, and if I am not ready to deal with that outcome, I keep it to myself. I'm not ready to martyr myself for the cause at the moment.