Roommates/living situation

[krisi]

So, I'm a full time college student; my standing is technically "senior", but I've already been accepted into a grad program, so half of my credits are undergraduate, half are graduate. I also work at the local Children's Museum, anywhere from 15-30 hours a week. It's a full schedule, but I like the structure it provides.

I also have two roommates (well, 3 actually, but one just pays the rent here and lives with her boyfriend). One of my roommates is deaf; she has cochlear implants, but she takes them out to sleep. The other is hearing. They both are about as "typical" as college students get: They love sports, they like to party, they study only what and when they have to, etc. I really don't have a problem with this, to each their own.

Going back to my job, my shifts usually start at 8:30 in the morning, and I work every weekend. It's a high energy job. I love being around kids, but parents get cranky and I have to use all of my limited social skills to keep them happy (my managers have been really helpful in providing "scripts" for different situations, so I usually know what to say. Other side note: I rarely have problems with the kids in the museum, just the parents who don't watch their kids or don't think the rules apply to them and their family). I check people in (where I meet the most cranky parents), take care of the museum floor (lots of cleaning), and run birthday parties. I have to be able to concentrate during all of these things, especially the birthday parties, which parents expect me to run smoothly.

My roommates don't seem to understand that when I need to wake up at 7:30 in the morning to be on time for work, I need to go to bed around 11:30. I dislike it when I cannot go to bed by that time on any day, because I like to wake up early, but it is especially important on days that I work. When I don't get enough sleep, I can't think straight, I stim more, and by the time I'm done with work, I don't have the energy to study.

My roommate who is deaf is really loud, louder than any of my other friends or relatives who are deaf or hard of hearing (I have quite a few friends who are deaf/HoH). Her friends are just as loud as she is, and the problem arises when she has her friends over, because they are in the other room shouting late at night when I am trying to sleep. When I say "late at night", I don't just mean at 11:30 when I want to go to bed. Sometimes it lasts until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, or even later!

I've tried talking to them, I've tried explaining the situation, I've asked nicely. I'm done. I'm at the end of my rope, and nothing thus far has worked. The only solution I see is that, whenever they keep me up at night, I wake them up when I need to be awake for work.

The major problem: The roommate who is causing the problem is deaf, and does not sleep with her implants on. Thus, if I were to blast my music in the morning, it would only affect my hearing roommate, who is quieter, and generally more respectful.

This other roommate, however, is still part of the problem, even if she's not the one making the noise, so I don't feel as bad for involving her and waking her up.

I know it's "passive agressive", and "immature", but they don't seem to understand the frustration of not being able to sleep in your own bed when you want to (In the past, I have even gone to sleep at friends' apartments because I couldn't sleep here). They also don't seem to understand the frustration of having to ask over and over to have your routine respected. I have some ideas, but I don't know how well they'll play out.

Any ideas? Please help I can't live like this for the next five months.

 

[gamers1700]

Honestly, give them an ultimatum. Tell them you're gonna be the biggest pain in the ass they have ever been with. for the one with the hearing aid, show him what it's like when you can function properly by hiding his hearing aid, that sort of thing. It may not help much if he acts up over it, but it sure would get the point across that functioning with limited senses is a pain.

 

[142857]

A lot of aspies have acute sensitivity to noise. As a teenager I lived in a noisy household, and it was a nightmare trying to get to sleep early when even the slightest sound would wake me up or disrupt my flow into sleep.

When I was older I found that playing music while I was trying to sleep was helpful, better than trying to sleep in a quiet environment that made me oversensitive to all of the irregular noises going on. You could try something like that, or earplugs, or you could try to find new roommates. You are not going to change the behaviour of your current roommates, so I am guessing that you are setting yourself up for a lot of drama to no good end if you try.

These days I'm older, the oversensitivity to noise has faded, and I sleep very well (except when I have something on my mind, of course).

 

[krisi]

Honestly, give them an ultimatum. Tell them you're gonna be the biggest pain in the ass they have ever been with. for the one with the hearing aid, show him what it's like when you can function properly by hiding his hearing aid, that sort of thing. It may not help much if he acts up over it, but it sure would get the point across that functioning with limited senses is a pain.

An interesting thought. I've considered an ultimatum...but my ideas were somewhat different. See, she doesn't leave the external portions of her implants lying around--when she's not wearing them, they're in a special case in her room. Going into one another's rooms is a line that has not been crossed and it is not one that I'd like to cross.

I was actually thinking that, unfair as it is to target the roommate who is less involved, it may get the point across that "It sucks when you can't sleep in your own apartment due to something that is not your fault." Also, mayhap if I give her an "out", such as (and I have to be very specific, or else the other roommate will try and play games/give a hard time): If you want the music to stop, you are welcome to go into C's (our deaf roommate) room and wake her up. After she gets dressed and leaves the apartment, the music will go off. If she comes back before (arbitrary time period here...30 minutes sounds good for now), the music will go back on. If she says anything rude to me, this will happen again on a random day.

Is that too complicated?

A lot of aspies have acute sensitivity to noise. As a teenager I lived in a noisy household, and it was a nightmare trying to get to sleep early when even the slightest sound would wake me up or disrupt my flow into sleep.

When I was older I found that playing music while I was trying to sleep was helpful, better than trying to sleep in a quiet environment that made me oversensitive to all of the irregular noises going on. You could try something like that, or earplugs, or you could try to find new roommates. You are not going to change the behaviour of your current roommates, so I am guessing that you are setting yourself up for a lot of drama to no good end if you try.

These days I'm older, the oversensitivity to noise has faded, and I sleep very well (except when I have something on my mind, of course).

Thanks for the encouragement...it's good to know that the sensitivity will decrease over time. I can't go to sleep with music because I wake up to music (It's my alarm), though I do have a playlist of music that I occasionally play to calm myself down before bed, if I've been especially upset. In general, though, I can't sleep with music on. However, I do often sleep with a fan on if my roommates are talking at normal levels in the other room because the low frequency sound of the fan masks out the relatively higher frequency sound of their voices without putting too much intensity into the room.

I'm not trying to shoot down your ideas, but I feel I should explain: I wish I could find new roommates, but our lease doesn't end until May, and I can't afford to pay 2 rents at once. I have an efficiency apartment next year in a building where the manager said that they deal very sternly with people who have parties, and it's mostly grad students and "real adults" who live there. Earplugs cause some sensory issues; I have problems with things in my nose and ears.

I think you're right though, there's probably going to be a lot of drama on their end about this; I've already heard C complaining loudly on the phone about how I woke F (my hearing roommate) on Sunday. I didn't offer any ultimatum on Sunday, I just did it, and when she requested I turn it off, I just said, "sorry," and went on with my business. I later talked to her and somewhat got through, and pretty much said that that could be the last time it happened, but I'm done with not being able to sleep in my own apartment.

 

[Dani Evar]

That's... pretty much like what I went through with my messy, disastrous puppies a few months back, despite my deep love for them; not the smallest bit of love was left ungiven. At the end, though, I got rid of them.

Maybe I cannot help you, but I can genuinely feel and cry with you, Krisi. Since you've given enough presence, friendship, and sincerity
to them, it's your right to do WHATEVER it takes now to make you feel most comfortable. I mean it: breathe.

In the face of self-fulfillment and creativity, we don't always have to prioritize others, even in the case of disabled people, as long as deep appreciation and love is already there and internalized so much/genuinely conceived. Being egoistic once in a while, while being a profound, authentic person, is just FINE. It is an existential necessity for such an individual, as opposed to shallow, merely selfish beings.

This pattern will also help other struggling Aspies in maintaining their authenticity during their matriculation. The sooner the better.

 

[Willow]

I'm not sure I know what to suggest to be honest. Personally, I woulnd't do anything that may make it worse for you if it backfires, example, if you do give them an ultimatum and they just decide to play up even more. Is the apartment not primarily one person's? Like, one person was there first and the other two joined? Or are you living within the college grounds? If you live within the college grounds, can't you ask to be moved to a different apartment?

Sorry I can't help much, stay positive though

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

I told my school that I had autism and they gave me a single room with a private bathroom as an accommodation. *victory dance*

 

[Chris]

Sounds like you have it made, lol.

 

[rikk]

Ahh,I remember those days,living with a bunch of crazy 20 somethings(myself included)and trying to make it work.

Truth is it never works for very long,hard enough to put up with just one other person.

Usually people at that age just aren't mature enough to deal with each other for very long.

I live with two other 50 somethings,we have known each other for 30 plus years and it took

every bit of that just to learn how to put up with each other. Get your own place as quick as you can!

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

You know, I remarked in the first month of school that my floormates (all 18-20 year old girls) have worse people skills than my 9 year old nephew with autism.

And they DO!!!

 

[krisi]

You know, I remarked in the first month of school that my floormates (all 18-20 year old girls) have worse people skills than my 9 year old nephew with autism.

And they DO!!!

Sometimes that's really true. And sometimes, I find it very frustrating when people violate the social "guidelines" I have learned. For example, I have learned that it makes people feel worse if they tell you about doing awful on an exam, and you say something like, "Well, I got an A on that exam", or even if you say, "I aced my such and such other exam." I have a friend who routinely says things like this after other people have told her they struggled. I've also learned that the former response is okay if your friend tells you they did well on that exam (A sort of "Me too! " response), but the latter response is not okay in that moment--wait a bit. Let them have their triumphant moment and give them praise and encouragement, and don't bring up your successes in other areas. But if you're talking about the same exam, and you share that you also did really well, then it's an "emotional reciprocity" moment.

However, this same friend violates this construct over and over (quite sure she's not an aspie), and I can see the looks on the other people's faces and its easy for me to tell that they're having a negative response (I'm pretty okay with positive/negative. It's differentiating further--"are they frustrated, angry, or sad?"--that I have problems with). Her violations of this social rule frustrate me, even though I know I have so many more social violations. (My social violations tend not to make people feel hurt, though--I get more of a "huh?" response, or a "that's weird" response)

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

Seriously. I am unforgivably weird because I was "too nice" to my neighbor during the one 40 second conversation we had at the beginning of the school year (I had brought baked goods and offered her some.. I'm sorry?), but SHE is a socially acceptable human being when she stomps down the hall screaming at 2am and is indignant when told to quiet down?! WHAT?!

 

[Willow]

Sometimes it's as important to learn the social rules of the bitches...just so you can keep up and know how to act around them if you have to. Or be a ***** in return. There are different sets of rules for different people. It's ridiculous.

 

[krisi]

Sometimes it's as important to learn the social rules of the bitches...just so you can keep up and know how to act around them if you have to. Or be a ***** in return. There are different sets of rules for different people. It's ridiculous.

I think you are more right than you know. The more experience I am getting interacting with my peers, the more I am learning that there are different sets of rules for each and every individual that you interact with. It's a lot to try and keep straight.

Along these lines, I'm also finding that it seems like every person has a different "language" that you have to learn. Most of my friends speak English as their first language, but each of my friends uses the language so differently. Some are very straightforward, some use humor in different ways, and some are sarcastic, and the sarcasm can take many forms. I feel like I have to re-learn to understand sarcasm with each person who tends to use it in their speech, because it can be so different with each person.

Sometimes I feel like I have to try to learn to speak and understand everyone else's language, but nobody seems to be willing or able to learn mine :/ It can feel very isolating, because I feel like I know a lot of people, and they know me, but not really...if that makes any sense at all.

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

"Sometimes I feel like I have to try to learn to speak and understand everyone else's language, but nobody seems to be willing or able to learn mine :/ It can feel very isolating, because I feel like I know a lot of people, and they know me, but not really...if that makes any sense at all."

I feel like that a lot, too!