Responding to someone's loss

[Tethys]

This is something I often struggle with and wondering if any of you have any helpful tools.

When a friend or family member, even a complete stranger, share news of someone's death or a terrible accident, shares their grief with you, how do you respond?
I have been abused for saying "I'm sorry", they thought I didn't have the right to be sorry because I didn't know the deceased person. So I no longer say it.
I am hesitant to hug or put an arm around their shoulder in case they don't like touch.
If it is online I will sometimes say nothing at all and hope they don't notice but I cry while reading their posts.
Sometimes, in my line of work, I meet complete strangers living through tragedy and fresh grief and I cry, just can't stop the welling up tears as they share their story. Then they cry and I never know if it is helpful, cathartic or hindering their grieving process.
I feel that a shoulder or hand pat is about as insincere and patronising as sending a crying emoji.
I feel an outpouring of emotion for them even if I can't express it appropriately or confidently but am concerned this blockage will be misinterpreted and threaten friendship and trust.
Interestingly, I have no problem responding with deep compassion and love if they have lost a beloved animal companion.

 

[toothless]

i am the same when it comes to animals,i cant watch programmes where they die because it makes me react angrily and upset.

but in terms of knowing what to do when a person dies,i havent got a clue, when someone tells me their dad-or whoever has died [it happened recently] i just stare and my mind is blank,i have no idea what to do.
when a long time neighbour of my mum/dads house [my old house] died at 52 from ovarian cancer [she helped my parents bring me up] i said to her husband and each of her kids at the funeral- im really sorry but i dont know what to say, but your mum was awesome-she helped to look after me and ill never forget that... then i gave them each a big bear hug,prior to the funeral i had also got the husband/family a sympathy card and wrote down my thoughts about how his wife had helped me and how she will be greatly missed from the street and also how she will always be there and watching over him and the family as we are both catholic families and believe in heaven.
he actually came over to my dads house to thank me as it had really affected him in a good way, its the only time ive ever had that level of sympathy for a human,it was learned sympathy;so it felt awkward like it wasnt real,that was my only drawback.

i just stare if people tell me someone they love/know has died and sometimes manage to say do you want a hug,i find it hard to say 'im sorry' because [a] im not actually sorry;im neutral-why should i be sorry i didnt kill them or know them?
and i think people hate being told 'im sorry' as everyone seems to say it and it doesnt have any meaning,i bet no one is really sorry and it just seems patronising.

 

[Mia]

Have a difficult time with those kinds of situations as well @Tethys often don't know what to say. I'll simply listen when someone tells me about a death or illness, sometimes if it seems appropriate I'll ask questions about the person, and listen as they reminisce. I think that's what they really want to do, somehow put into words what the person meant to them and why they are sad.

I've said things such as; That's awful, terrible, how sad, have you know them for a long time? When did you meet them? And at times those phrases have gone over well, other times not. I'm much more emotional at the loss of a pet than people. That I can sympathize with, and feel immediate things about. But, if the person is very close to me and I lose them, have a tendency to go into a depression that might last for a long time. So the platitudes do nothing for me, the useless words that essentially mean little and don't really change anything.

Not knowing what to say, is common to most people. If it feels awkward, that's because it is.

 

[Judge]

I've come to the conclusion that much like grief itself, that there is no standard response to provide. That we all handle death differently in our own way. Both the Neurotypical and Neurodiverse.

Sadly with no way to predict how others will process it.

 

[NeoPhile]

When I was younger, I would make no effort to show any compassion for someone's loss. I had a hard time making connections with people, and I couldn't relate to their loss. People found that offensive; so I started feigning compassion by saying something like "I'm sorry". When I finally did make a connection with a person and that person disappeared, (long story) I was heart-broken; so now I don't have to feign compassion because I know what it's like to make a connection with another person and then lose her, but yes, I have always felt compassion for other people's animal losses as well. That's common among autistics.

 

[tree]

When I hear of death/loss I generally say that I am
sorry to hear it. This is different from saying "I'm sorry."
I may be sorry, but it's not like I am expressing myself
in a way that can be interpreted as 'owning' the grief
myself.

I didn't cause it.
Neither am I necessarily a person who to others appears
to be affected by it.
But I do say that I am sorry to hear of such news,
because, I am.

 

[Kouzai]

I tend to say, "I am sorry for your loss," and if I know them well, I then offer an ear so they can vent or talk. Sometimes knowing that someone is there for you is better than anything.

On the flip side, I personally have trouble connecting with loss behind those things. Last September my mother died, sending me into the deep end of adulthood without floaties but I felt more numb to those things.

In a way I can easily move on and do my own thing without focusing on their absence so I always feel like I'm being rude.

I hope that helped.