Relativity Confusion

[Fino]

This has come up in my life like four times just in the last week, once or twice here, so I've thought about it a lot. A friend tried explaining it to me, but I still don't get it, but I trust him, so there must be something to it.

It's the whole thing about how people's problems are relative. So if someone complains about something and it seems silly to me, people will say something like, "But it's not to them," and my friend said something like, "Everyone's feelings are valid."

But does this have some sort of limit? Isn't a child being starved objectively worse than so many other things? I'm not great at thinking of hypotheticals but I think I'm making sense anyway.

When a child cries because he wants more candy, I don't care. I ignore him. Because it's a silly thing to cry over. The child should learn to be happy with the candy he already got. Am I wrong about that, or is that something else, or what?

There are so many awful things happening to people every day, so it seems to me that anytime those awful things aren't happening to us, we should be grateful, not complaining about something we find in our lives that isn't exactly the way we want it.

And if we do complain, I believe there's a way of going about it, a way that shows you're aware it's not all that important, because I'm not saying no one is ever allowed to complain just because we're not being tortured. But we can complain with bitterness and entitlement or we can complain with an attitude like, "Darn, I wish it were this other way instead."

What am I missing?

And just to be clear, I'm only confused. I'm not annoyed, angry, or irritated, or intending to express any other form of negativity in general or to anyone specific. Although it may have started in ways like that, it's now just become a general concept that I've thought about so much that I can no longer have coherent thoughts about it.

Thank you for everything, everyone!

 

[Wolfnox]

I never understood the complaining either. I think some people just like to complain. I find it makes people harder to be around. I want to have a nice day. Please quit complaining about problems you never plan on fixing.

 

[Aspychata]

l like the way you expressed that. l guess l am confused about what exactly you are asking for? l have a ongoing situtation that has been around for quite some time, it is only vexing to me because of it's extreme duration, it also prevents me from doing what l want to do, and finally, it's been costly. So l do complain but l know complaining doesn't get me anywhere. It also puts a distance between the best friend l have had on the planet. So l don't know how to productively complain in this particular instance. So even complaining has limitations. But l so look forward to being free in this particular instance.

 

[Aspychata]

When my girlfriend complains about the umpteeth boyfriend she broke up with, l am there. Because a true friend supports you through the good times and the bad times. l don't say to her, you know this is the 4th guy you have broken up with, get a life. Nooooo sir.
l say hey l get it, you must be feeling really bad. l just want you to know l am here for you. And surprising these kind words help her power thru her sadness and l as a friend like to be there for her.

What l am trying to say is complaining unites us and puts a common bond between people. If you don't do well with connections, then yes, complaining maybe frustrating to you, because you don't want or you feel somehow threatened by that connection.

 

[Kalinychta]

Little kids don't have enough life experience to understand why they can't have more candy. In their little worlds, not getting what they want is uncomfortable, and that's all they know about it. Adults can behave this way, too, but it's because we get so used to what we're used to. But think of it this way, too: just because women (for example) have it far worse in some countries doesn't mean that we don't have problems to fix here or that we should just pipe down and be grateful that we don't have it as hard as in other countries.

But what you're talking about is subjective experience versus objective experience. The former refers to the intellectual and emotional experiences of any given human being, and the latter deals with the actual truth or larger meaning of a thing. Different people have different emotional reactions to things, large and small, major and minor. The other day, my sister told me that because her friend Sam endured severe sexual abuse as a child but went on to become a nurse, then surely me having Asperger's syndrome and experiencing emotional neglect by my parents is me just whining and being weak and lazy because, she thinks, if Sam had it worse than me, then I have no reason to be depressed or unhappy. Objectively, severe and prolonged sexual violence/abuse is worse than emotional neglect. Sam did have it worse than me, no question. But subjectively, I'm a very sensitive person with autism, so the emotional neglect was devastating for me (and in fact, if I had gone through what she went through, it would have completely destroyed me, and I would have died long ago by suicide or drug addiction or whatever). People have different personalities and temperaments, so something that may not bother one person may emotionally cripple another person.

By the way, Fino, you should change your name from "Fino" to "The Duckling Speaks..." Ha! Those are the words that always pop into my head when I see your posts!

 

[LucyPurrs]

This has come up in my life like four times just in the last week, once or twice here, so I've thought about it a lot. A friend tried explaining it to me, but I still don't get it, but I trust him, so there must be something to it.

It's the whole thing about how people's problems are relative. So if someone complains about something and it seems silly to me, people will say something like, "But it's not to them," and my friend said something like, "Everyone's feelings are valid."

But does this have some sort of limit? Isn't a child being starved objectively worse than so many other things? I'm not great at thinking of hypotheticals but I think I'm making sense anyway.

When a child cries because he wants more candy, I don't care. I ignore him. Because it's a silly thing to cry over. The child should learn to be happy with the candy he already got. Am I wrong about that, or is that something else, or what?

There are so many awful things happening to people every day, so it seems to me that anytime those awful things aren't happening to us, we should be grateful, not complaining about something we find in our lives that isn't exactly the way we want it.

And if we do complain, I believe there's a way of going about it, a way that shows you're aware it's not all that important, because I'm not saying no one is ever allowed to complain just because we're not being tortured. But we can complain with bitterness and entitlement or we can complain with an attitude like, "Darn, I wish it were this other way instead."

What am I missing?

And just to be clear, I'm only confused. I'm not annoyed, angry, or irritated, or intending to express any other form of negativity in general or to anyone specific. Although it may have started in ways like that, it's now just become a general concept that I've thought about so much that I can no longer have coherent thoughts about it.

Thank you for everything, everyone![/QUOTE

I don't see you as confused on this issue- more like viewing it with common sense.

 

[Misery]

It's confusing because it's very hard for us to view things from the perspective of someone else.

We look at a situation and all we see is the surface of it. Because how could we do otherwise? We arent the person in said situation. We dont know what's under that surface. And so, alot of us assume there is ONLY the surface.

I'll put it in a way that alot of us here can easily understand:

You're in a.... place. Okay, I didnt think this out very well, but just roll with it. Some crowded place. More and more people are entering. More and more noise. More and more bright lights or something. I dunno maybe it's like a big convention hall, those are loud and bright. It goes on and on, too much, too much, you enter that awful state of total overload, and your entire mental world comes crashing into a meltdown. You completely lose control as the dark side of being on the spectrum takes over.

And then someone nearby tells you to stop being such a wuss.

THAT is what it means for problems to be relative. It may not be a big deal to that other person. Hell, the other person maybe genuinely cant understand how it COULD be a big deal to anyone at all! They look at the situation you're in and think "What? You're freaking out over a big room full of people? Seriously?" It's utterly ridiculous to them. But you, having the meltdown that has totally destroyed your self-control, know otherwise.

We dont NEED to understand the underlying whatevers of whatever problem someone is having. We just need to be willing to understand that there is a problem of some sort, even if we cant quite grasp why it's a problem. And maybe be willing to support them, even when it's not making sense.

 

[Pats]

I agree with what you are saying. I also try to understand the points of view to others getting upset over the smaller issues that doesn't necessarily make sense to me. Sometimes that's hard.
I know this is going to sound terrible, but, take this 75 year old person who discovers they have cancer and they do everything they can to fight it. Then there's a 26 year old new mother who discovers she has cancer. I do have more sympathy for the young mother and less for the 75 year old who is near the end of their life anyway.
But then I was just complaining the other day because my dogs weren't taken care of as good as I thought they should be, which IS minor when you think of all the little children who are not taken care of. So, where we can compare and see which is the more serious problems, to the person going through whatever, it IS relative.
Look at the number of us who can not tolerate itchy clothes while there are people who would love to have those clothes. Yes, I'm one of those who will complain - but I'm also aware that it may not be a major issue.

I have also noticed that people who have not had to deal with as many problems in life has a harder time handling smaller problems. So that also might be considered relative.

 

[Aspychata]

l have equal sympathy for the 80 and 26 year-old. The 80 year-old may leave behind a partner who will have no desire to live. There maybe a grandchild who holds on to gramdma or grandpa's every word due to child neglect at their home. My older grandmother basically was my mom due to emotional neglect from my biological mom. I feel no matter what their age, all people deserve respect and dignity.

 

[Progster]

It's all a matter of subjective experience. To you, candy might not be a big deal; it's just a candy bar. You can easily get some more. For the boy, however, that might have ruined his day. Perhaps he had been promised the candy, waited all day to get it, thought about that candy all day, and then told no. It's more than just the candy; it's betrayal, disappointment, he had his routine broken. Small kids don't know or understand the big picture of kids elsewhere in the world not having enough to eat, etc. Edit: Also, they don't yet have the emotional maturity to control/mask their emotions.

As a person with Asperger's, it took me a long time to realise that what was important to me might be trivial to someone else. As a teenager I used to get upset, extremely upset simply because dinner was delayed by 10 minutes. To me this seemed like the biggest disaster, but to others it just looked like I was acting like a spoilt brat.

Other people's feelings are valid. They own them and have a right to them, you can't deny them or take them away. People often can't help their feelings. What you make of them and how you react - or not - is up to you.

Also: just because another person somewhere in the world has nothing to eat, doesn't invalidate my feelings. My feelings are very real and valid for me, independent of what ever else is going on in the world. They are two separate things.

 

[Thinx]

Yes I think it's about people being different, including being at different stages of development in age or in life experience. This includes different life chances, different resources or different challenges or opportunities we may have.

In my experience acceptance of how the other person is, acknowledgement of their feelings and maybe suggestions of alternatives can be the most helpful way through. Being told I can't have a sweet and must eat up my yucky dinner because children elsewhere are starving is of limited value compared to being supported with my upset or angry feelings, explained I may feel hungry later if I dont eat up, and consulted about what dinner may be better tomorrow is more useful.

Or for an adult with a problem, acceptance and acknowledgment of my feelings with a phrase like, that sounds really hard for you, and a question such as, what might be helpful here? Plus possibly some ideas, like, would this or that help? It may not solve anything, but it can be comforting to be acknowledged and supported, and helped to think of ways forward.

 

[SusanLR]

When people ignore my feelings or say things like you're a wuss, a crybaby, or emotionally immature
and too sensitive, just toughen up and be an adult. (for example)
This only makes me want to withdraw even more and not trust enough to open up and talk about how
I feel.
If we expressed more intelligent concern to others, even if we don't understand their reasons of intensity,
people would feel better instead of hurt and turning away.

 

[Pats]

l have equal sympathy for the 80 and 26 year-old. The 80 year-old may leave behind a partner who will have no desire to live. There maybe a grandchild who holds on to gramdma or grandpa's every word due to child neglect at their home. My older grandmother basically was my mom due to emotional neglect from my biological mom. I feel no matter what their age, all people deserve respect and dignity.

Oh I agree. I'm not saying they don't deserve to live or to have respect and dignity in any way.

I guess I'm trying to say that when we look at other people's problems, it's easy to prioritize because we're outside the problem. But it's relative to the person experiencing the problems.

 

[Aspychata]

Since being at this forum l have gotten so much better with this exact subject that we are talking about. This post would hit a nerve in the old me,now it finds compassion.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

relatively speaking, in an expanding universe, you really are at the centre of it. It's all a matter of perspective. Everything is.

It would be hard to define what is objectively worse.

 

[Fino]

Thank you all for such wonderful responses! It's extremely helpful! There's so much to think about! I thought I was going to respond to people individually eventually but it looks more like it's just a lot of things to think about.

I found this particularly helpful and specific to my issues:

We dont NEED to understand the underlying whatevers of whatever problem someone is having. We just need to be willing to understand that there is a problem of some sort, even if we cant quite grasp why it's a problem. And maybe be willing to support them, even when it's not making sense.