Relationships with NT siblings

[onlything]

What was/is your relationship with your sibling? How do you keep your relationship if not close then at least civil?

These questions are mostly directed towards those with non-autistic siblings, although any input relating to relevant sibling relationships(where at least one sibling is on the spectrum) is welcome.

May be triggering for some, so please be careful while reading.

I have one older brother that has no autistic traits whatsoever. The truth is, we never got along. Be it because of our familial situation or the overall misunderstandings, we just couldn't get along. Honestly, he always seemed to hate me and it'd be hard for me to count all of the panic attacks he caused me and even harder to count all of the painful events we caused each other. Although, or maybe because, we went through a darker childhood than average, we never supported each other, as he was more inclined to direct his anger at everyone around and cause overall trouble, while I used to just shut down and disappear until danger passed. We had only ourselves and yet every time we tried to reach the other, we would inevitably end up clashing badly instead. He was vibrant and emotional, and 'wore a heart on his sleeve'. I was rarely showing anything and my main defence mechanism was to shut down even more or if not possible, use unhealthy doses of sarcasm(so flight and fight responses respectively). In worse cases, I would openly mock him and he would end up shouting how screwed up I was, in fact, 'as screwed up as father'. At worst, we'd end up fighting and not talking for months afterwards. When we got older, we ended up just ignoring each other and living like strangers in the same house.

I remember some bad stuff he's done to me. In fact, there's more horribly awful things he's done than any of the good ones. But he also taught me how to make sandwiches or made them for me when I was still too short to reach the top of the table, and played some football games where he'd call me 'the best goalkeeper ever'(although I was pretty terrible), and how to climb trees to get to cherries on the top and not fall down in the process, and how to trick grandma's dog...

I'm rambling, am I not? Apologies.

Anyway, relationship between us is a mess but there could be a chance to mend it... if we learn to communicate without shouting at each other(as in, him shouting, me shutting down or mocking him). He's got... softer, in a way, since that last panic attack I got a few months back. I've become more of a functional human being as well. The problem is, we can't seem to communicate. We assume too much of each other, misunderstand too many things, think we're right when we're not and it's hard to know where to start the process. It's not a program where you delete a part of a code and write it again causing [hopefully] less bugs to pop up.

In short: the point of the thread is to potentially receive advice on [successful] communication between an NT and ND sibling.

 

[Cactus]

I have one brother, and two sisters. I'm estranged from all of them. I have tried, several times, to make the relationships work. They, on the other hand, have never initiated contact with me. I finally stopped trying, and have no regrets.

 

[Mia]

The closest relationship I now have with a biological family member is a minimal one. I like it that way. Birthday and christmas cards and email and the occasional phone call. I no longer am involved in any real way with siblings.

Suppose that childhood was in many ways, as far as family dynamics, an endless struggle to get our parents attention. So that created a dysfunctional environment at all times. Constant competition among ourselves, to be better at anything. There was little solace from siblings, instead of coming together and becoming close in some way. Everyone was your enemy. Ready to stab you in the back for a few crumbs of affection from the adults. That's the way it was, and when they all get together the adult siblings act the same way. They fall back into the roles they once held.

It's how I learned to function in the working world, and that dynamic did in many ways help me. Yet, it shouldn't be the way of families. At least not the one I yearned for as a child. Now the relationship I do have, is one of distance and un-involvement in the family soap opera. One I recommend after all these years of attempting a healthy relationship.

 

[Bolletje]

My little (NT) sister and I haven’t gotten along well historically. Basically the first 25 years she was around. We’re very different people. When she was little I was very protective of her. I never got in fights, with the exception of attacking bullies who targeted my sister. As soon as puberty kicked in, she didn’t want anything to do with me in public and we used to fight a lot at home. However, in recent years we’ve started developing a relationship of sorts. We’re not super close, and we don’t see each other often, but we can talk to each other about important things and we get along well when we meet. It’s sad in a way, we both had to go through some pretty traumatic things before we were able to realize that we have quite a lot in common and maybe we’re not enemies.

 

[OlLiE]

2 brothers, 1 sister
rarely speak to any of them
my sister is the only person i get along with
we are all cordial and friendly to each other
we just all rarely ever speak

don't really miss them anyway

 

[Progster]

I have 2 NT sisters and 1 ND step brother. I'm not that close to any of them, I have little in common with them and they have completely different personalities and interests. I speak to my brother and younger sister, but not to my older sister. She bullied me quite a bit when we were growing up, and our relationship has never been good.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I have an 'extremely NT' younger sister (who I've mentioned before on here, since she's a sort of social role model for me) and a younger brother with some autistic traits. I get on well with both of them. My brother, because we have similar interests, sense of humour and way of thinking. My sister and I find each other weird and hilarious! She uses me for academic, financial and tech advice, and I use her for social advice (plus things like make up when I was younger).

I think learning to laugh about our differences and find them useful keeps us closer. In some ways it helps that we are so different, as there was none of the teenage competition that a lot of sisters fall out over while we were growing up. It's very rare that we have an argument over anything.

 

[Ezra]

I don't have a sibling but I do have a cousin who is only 4 months older than me. We were practically raised together. And ever since my aunt and uncle got divorced, he and my aunt have lived in my house.

We are very close. Almost like fraternal twins I believe. When we were very little and I was was severely nonverbal autistic, he always knew what I needed and wanted and told my parents for me. I do not like being touched much but I'm very comfortable with him. He can hug me, tackle and wrestle me and stuff like that. He is very good at comforting me and making me laugh. I really like spending time with him. Especially now that he has a car

Love ya Liam

 

[AO1501]

@onlything: You could almost be describing the relationship I had when I was growing up with my only brother - a year older than me, NT to the core, and very damaging over the years with constant bullying, violent outbursts, goading and belittling.

He pushed me into meltdowns, though they were just 'angry outbursts' and 'childish tantrums' to my mother, and he taught me everything I needed to know for the rest of my life about what being a victim was like. He also taught me how to resist, how to deal with unjust and unfair treatment, and how to fight for my own needs. Because of him, and the need to avoid him as much as I was able, I also learned how to be independent, and take care of myself, how to escape into the wider world, and make myself safe. Ultimately, because of him, I learned how to take those who had mentally, emotionally and physically abused me, and turn them into people I could dismiss from my thoughts and my circle of care, and by doing so, overcome the damage and the experiences they were responsible for giving me.

I haven't seen him for many, many years, and only agreed to see him them because he had always told me I would never make a life for myself because I was retarded and stupid. I had a wife, two children, while he was getting divorced and was totally lost. He was working as a traveling salesman, and I was an IT manager at what was then the UK's largest university. I wanted to prove him wrong, and once I had done that, I walked away and he was done.

Growing up, he used what I later discovered to be my autistic deficits and developmental differences as leverage to put me down and build himself up. He made himself the good child, and me the bad one, and built his life on that, even after he had left home and gone to university. My mother believed him, and not me, even though he was a liar, a cheat, a violent and vicious bully, and I was just quiet, introverted and mostly passive.

I suspect my experiences as a child on the spectrum (though nobody knew that then), with an older NT brother, were probbly not all that unusual.

 

[Kraftiekortie]

I have an older brother. He feels like I took away the full attention of my mother because of my autism. He resents it to this day.

 

[onlything]

@onlything: You could almost be describing the relationship I had when I was growing up with my only brother - a year older than me, NT to the core, and very damaging over the years with constant bullying, violent outbursts, goading and belittling.

He pushed me into meltdowns, though they were just 'angry outbursts' and 'childish tantrums' to my mother, and he taught me everything I needed to know for the rest of my life about what being a victim was like. He also taught me how to resist, how to deal with unjust and unfair treatment, and how to fight for my own needs. Because of him, and the need to avoid him as much as I was able, I also learned how to be independent, and take care of myself, how to escape into the wider world, and make myself safe. Ultimately, because of him, I learned how to take those who had mentally, emotionally and physically abused me, and turn them into people I could dismiss from my thoughts and my circle of care, and by doing so, overcome the damage and the experiences they were responsible for giving me.

I haven't seen him for many, many years, and only agreed to see him them because he had always told me I would never make a life for myself because I was retarded and stupid. I had a wife, two children, while he was getting divorced and was totally lost. He was working as a traveling salesman, and I was an IT manager at what was then the UK's largest university. I wanted to prove him wrong, and once I had done that, I walked away and he was done.

Growing up, he used what I later discovered to be my autistic deficits and developmental differences as leverage to put me down and build himself up. He made himself the good child, and me the bad one, and built his life on that, even after he had left home and gone to university. My mother believed him, and not me, even though he was a liar, a cheat, a violent and vicious bully, and I was just quiet, introverted and mostly passive.

I suspect my experiences as a child on the spectrum (though nobody knew that then), with an older NT brother, were probbly not all that unusual.

It does sound very similar. The differences are still there, since he's older than me by almost 7 years and as a little girl I idealised him a lot. Still, as I said, although he wasn't the best brother, in fact, he was a pretty bad one, now he's got softer. Much softer. Maybe it's that he's going to be a father in a few months or maybe due to some other things that happened between us but he hasn't been anything but civil for more than a year already, not counting some events that caused us to fight all over again. As I wrote, he's different. He seems to be trying. If he wasn't, if any of them weren't, I wouldn't bother. I know when I'm not wanted. I've got a different life in a different country. Whatever the case, I know him well enough to see that change and if he's willing to try, I am as well. I never hated him and he doesn't seem to hate me anymore. Maybe I'm just foolish and it's a wishful thinking but if there is a possibility of successful communication and then relationship, I want to try. He's my brother.

And I kind of miss that confident guy with gelled hair that would play Heroes with me whenever the house was quiet.

To think, if it ever goes well, maybe I should thank his wife for that. She was the one that first reached to me after a long time of two-side quiet treatment. Her family is brilliant, honestly. For them, family is the most important thing there is. Maybe that is a part of the reason as well.

Anyway, everything you write is helpful through showing me your relationships with your siblings. It lets me distance myself and analyse things without unneded emotional fog. Thank you.

 

[onlything]

I have an older brother. He feels like I took away the full attention of my mother because of my autism. He resents it to this day.

I know that my brother felt similar but not due to my autistic traits. He was almost 7 at the time of my birth and never wanted a sibling. Unfortunately, my birth pushed our mother back into depression for almost ten years and she had only enough strength to halfway care for one of us for more than half of this time, while father was being... his typical self. It was easier for them after some time since I was an intelligent and an independent child later on. You could think I wasn't there. I had my own things to do and my own world in a way.

 

[Tom]

I have 3 sisters, 1 brother. Not sure if any of them are HFA. The sons of one are and maybe the son of another. We were always 'different' as a family in general.

That said, I have good relationships with them all.

 

[Judge]

I just spent the last four and a half days with my NT and older brother who I haven't seen in a long time. We actually had a pretty good time together, although at our age it isn't so easy to incorporate so many things in a short time period at a brisk pace. But we did, and my autism didn't seem to get in the way of things for the most part.

Weird for me at times, as I spend 95% of my time in relative isolation. While I communicate with others online quite a lot, it's very rare to hold lengthy conversations in person with much of anyone- including my own kin.

I'm just glad it went well, though my brother is certainly aware- and understanding of me being on the spectrum.

 

[Gracey]

Two brothers. One older, one younger.
I was that sister who went nuts and nuclear when they were bullied, little or no regard for my own safety.

We don’t see a lot of each other.
We haven’t fell out.
It’s just normal for us to do our own thing.
Getting on with our own lives and families.
None of us are particularly sociable, uncomfortable at big family gatherings.
There’s no bad feeling, it just is what it is.