relationship obsession

[kityoume]

Lately I've started to think that I seem to be literally obsessed with romantic relationships. As a teenager I was always sad that I didn't have a relationship yet, but most of my peers didn't either. When I came of age, I became addicted to dating sites, but I always met the strangest people there who clearly had mental disorders, and ultimately, all these acquaintances led to nothing. It seems to me that I went on dozens of dates and had several hundred correspondences, with some of us we had sex and even a semblance of a relationship, but all the people were crazy freaks who longed for love but did not know how to love and it all fell apart. I've had 3 more serious and relatively long-term relationships and the last one left me broken and drained not long ago (I wrote about this here earlier).

I know that many people are much more relaxed about relationships, they meet far fewer people, they can live for several years without looking for a partner and not suffer from it at all, even in my family, my relatives are like that, but I am not like that. I always feel like I have to get to know people, I have to search, but paradoxically, I associated with the most disadvantaged people in the hope that only they would understand me and my pain, but in the end we only increased the suffering of both of us. I'm depressed right now, I know I can give myself a break for a few months without a relationship, I know I'll most likely find a good person if I don't interact with damaged people anymore, but I still feel very sad and empty these months.

I envy people who absolutely don't care about relationships and don't look for them, who don't get bored or lonely. Maybe the whole secret is to work 5 days a week and play video games in your free time. I do not know, I have too much time. I was going to go to the pool and skate, I started watching the TV series white lotus, I have hobbies in the form of clay modeling and pets, but I'm still lonely.

I have a kind of fear of dating sites, I have a negative attitude and I think that you can't meet anyone good there because it's never worked before. The topic of relationships means a lot to me and it's seriously weird.

 

[Judge]

Sadly I can relate to your experience, which resembles mine. Though in my old age I gave up on the prospects of new relationships long ago. One too many disappointments I suppose.

Hopefully you will fare better than I have over the years. My cousin once remarked that she thought I had a "broken picker" regarding the NT women I had long term relationships with.

 

[Outdated]

I wasn't much different to you at that age. We didn't have dating sites back then but I responded to a couple of ads in newspapers and got pretty much the same result as you described.

I gave up on those real quick though and instead turned to an Australian icon - The Pub. The trouble with dating sites is their anonymity, that single fact attracts all the weirdos. Instead try meeting real people in the real world where most of the weirdos are vetted and weeded out by the rest of the community. Places where if you meet someone that has hidden "issues" someone else will likely warn you about them.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I’m pretty skilled at picking out really lousy men to have relationships with. I have firmly decided (for the second and final time) I am not going to have any more relationships.

Luckily, I’m old enough it shouldn’t be much of a problem.

I am so much happier on my own.

I am whole now in a way I’ve never been before.

 

[AprilR]

I never had a relationship, i like the idea of one, but in practice it would be hard to have one for me. I don't like the physical aspect either.

 

[Aspychata]

I have very bad timing in relationships. There is always some major conflict that l am going thru when l feel like l really clicked with someone. My timing clock is completely off. Or it's permanently wrong or off. Relationships can be very complex with many interwoven layers and messy like lasagna. They never are neat and tidy and easy to navigate. I am jealous of those couples who state that they knew that was their match, married in two months' time, and have been married for a hundred years. Spare me the details. Then there are the couples that should have split or divorced fifteen years ago, but neither one can imagine being single and starting over again. Relationships are difficult for everyone whether you are NT or ND.

 

[JayLapointe]

I envy people who absolutely don't care about relationships and don't look for them, who don't get bored or lonely. Maybe the whole secret is to work 5 days a week and play video games in your free time.

To be fair I also enjoy reading, a lot of out door recreation, learning piano and music in general. But I love my 5 days a week and time playing video games and I'm sorry you can't find the joy in it that I apparently do so easily.

What I will say is in there was a time I was obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship and trying to get into one but it never worked. And I'm not sure I'd say I "gave up", but eventually I just didn't really care about it at all. I'm in my 40's now and I mean I had a brief 1 month fling 3 years ago. Not a date since. I'm not opposed to a relationship, if I stumbled across someone and everything just "worked" I wouldn't say no. But I have zero interest anymore into putting in the energy of trying to find or make a relationship happen. It's mentally exhausting and has always just felt like jumping through hoops, are trying to decode a puzzle with the wrong decoder ring.

 

[AuAL]

I come from much the same world as @Outdated. We would meet in a social group, maybe at the pub but it didn’t have to be there, just someplace a few of us would get together in a social group, usually with some common interest, Sit, chat, get to know people on a deeper level. (Note: generally veeerrryyy slowly.) Where do you gather with groups of people with a similar interest of some (any) sort? Music, sport, art, reading group, dinners out, drink with the mates, … That is where relationships can start, somewhere you can relate to someone, on some level, about something. (This is sort of how my relationship with my wife started, 46 years ago.)