Relationship challenges with undiagnosed autistic ADHD talkative partner.

[Chilli]

Hello, everyone.

I’m in a same-sex relationship with a woman who is self-diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and having ADHD.

One of our biggest challenges is her need for complete focus and attention when she talks about topics she’s passionate about. She insists I stop whatever I’m doing, look directly at her, and give her my full attention. If I don’t, she gets agitated—sometimes even to the point of lashing and pulling my hair in anger.

Her stories are often long and filled with tangents. For example, if she’s talking about an artist she likes, she’ll go off on a tangent about someone she went to school or college with and then circle back to the original topic, which makes the conversation even longer.

I find myself feeling bored and resentful because i feel forced to listen to her - like a hostage at knife point.

I work from home three days a week, and she frequently interrupts me during my work hours to share something she feels can’t wait. She expects me to stop working and listen to her immediately, which disrupts my productivity.

Even when we’re watching a movie, she pauses it frequently to tell a story she believes is related to what we’re watching. This frustrates me, and if I express irritation, it often leads to a big fight.

She doesn’t show much interest in what I have to say, often dismissing me or telling me to “shut up.” I’ve pointed out that our conversations feel like monologues, not dialogues. I even wish we could set a timer to ensure we both have equal opportunities to speak.

Living with her sometimes feels like living with a hyperactive child who constantly needs attention. When I ask for space or some quiet time, she threatens to divorce me, sell the house, and go our separate ways.

She hasn’t held a job in years and is financially dependent on me.

I’m feeling completely exhausted and don’t know what to do. If anyone has advice or suggestions, I would be truly grateful.

 

[Raggamuffin]

To put it bluntly, it doesn't sound at all workable to me. None of it seems healthy.

Listen to your gut.

From what you've described with the anger, hair pulling and being told to shut up - that all sounds abusive and unjustifiable, regardless of conditions they have.

Ed

 

[Outdated]

There is one constant with bullies - the more you give in to them the more they will demand, you can never appease them.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Chilli
"...Living with her sometimes feels like living with a hyperactive child who constantly needs attention. When I ask for space or some quiet time, she threatens to divorce me, sell the house, and go our separate ways.

She hasn’t held a job in years and is financially dependent on me...."

I've been married nearly 40 years. This is not how life partners interact. This is NOT love. Period. Highly dysfunctional. If she hasn't held a job in years and is dependent upon you, then by all means, let the divorce proceedings begin. Call her bluff. She's manipulating you into compliance with her demands. Toxic, controlling behaviors. You can't fix that. She is who she is. For your own sanity, and sounds like she can get physical, your personal safety, let her go. You're one fight away from disaster.

 

[Aspychata]

The problem l see here is when the realization hits you that she needs to leave, she will up the abusive behaviors. You need to figure out how to exit the situation leaving you intact. Have you thought about her leaving? Have you thought about what demands she will place on you? Have you thought about her becoming violent?

Pulling hair is very abusive. And if you didn't address that with her, you are empowering that behavior. You need to set boundaries of no pulling hair. Also, you need to tell her that the obsessive way she constantly tells stories is destroying the relationship. Maybe a boundary of how many stories you will tolerate in one day, say no personal stories after 7:00 pm. Or only 2 personal stories are allowed all day. This way you are helping her, and you are helping yourself.

 

[Misty Avich]

I understand the itching need to talk about obsessions, but there's still no excuse for her to turn physical. Others here have good advice, so see how it goes and if things don't improve then you might need to think about leaving her, if you're that unhappy that is.

I'm not the sort of person to advise people to "just leave" their partners at the slightest disagreement, but when abuse is involved to that extent then I think that's where we draw the line.

 

[Rodafina]

@Chilli

Don't let autism excuse bad behavior. The things that you describe here do not sound like only autism is at play. From what you described, your relationship sounds abusive.

telling me to “shut up.”

Please do not allow for autism to explain being spoken to in this way. Many of us here on the forum would never dream of speaking unkindly to our partners even in the throes of overstimulation or frustration.

sometimes even to the point of lashing and pulling my hair in anger

Physically hurting you in a moment of anger is abusive, not acceptable, and not to be excused simply because someone is autistic.

Do you have friends or family that you can speak to about this? It seems like perhaps, you need some support and it may be helpful to hear others' perspectives on how you describe your relationship. It sounds like you feel trapped in a coercive, unkind, and seemingly abusive relationship. My advice would be to get some support and consider how to change your circumstances and get out of this relationship.

 

[RedCoat1964]

I agree with everyone here.

This is not healthy, regardless of your partner being on the spectrum or not.

She's self-diagnosed autistic, however, it sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder.
When I received my autism diagnosis, after I diagnosed myself, I discovered through my therapist that BPD has similarities to autism. However, the differences are manipulation, narcissism, and lack of accountability.
I hope you can release yourself from this damaging situation.
Good luck!