Warning: a bit long.... sorry
I may be jumping the gun here a bit but my "best friend" and I have recently been looking at various Asperger's syndrome issues and have mutually self-diagnosed. I know there's the danger of an incorrect diagnosis, but there seems to be some pretty strong evidence. In both of our cases, we've had previous diagnosis made a number of years ago that just "didn't fit". Myself, I was told I was ADD non hyperactive, and she was told she was a sociopath (literally!) After seeing Aspie information, it seems to fit much better.
We have both taken a number of the online tests and I score basically as exhibiting both aspie and neurotypical traits, though more aspie than not. She scores strongly aspie, like nearly 100% on every test. So.... that makes me rethink a lot of things. Her too, it seems.
See, we've been friends for about 10 years. We met in college. Oddly enough, even our meeting falls into a potentially aspie situation. Both of us are pretty insistent about sitting at the front of the room near the professor. In one particular class, the professor was at the corner of the room... so I naturally went for the seat closest to him, since if I sat too far away I would get distracted. Well, that was the seat SHE wanted, and she wouldn't have it. So I moved over ONE space on the bench and we sat arm to arm for the entire semester and fought over the space basically. Considering the classroom was a small lecture hall with a total of 10 students, there was no reason for us to sit that close except that we both refused to admit defeat and sit farther away I liked her, of course, and couldn't say anything... but I did ask her to study together once, and it turned out we studied together perfectly. We made everyone else in the study group mad and they left, but we both managed to get along perfectly fine.
Now, for the next ten years we've basically been each others closest friends and confidants. Our families both think of us as a couple, people ask us how long we've been married. But really, early on she basically said she wasn't into relationships, and I was just happy to have a friend like her.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being a burden and go hide for a while, and when that happens, she calls or asks me to come over so I feel like I'm not. She depends on me and I depend on her, and we argue at times (as you can imagine) but we are each other's best friends.
Really, I don't know how she feels now. After 10 years you think I'd know, but well... here's the problem.. Every example of aspie relationships I read about, it's one half of the relationship with communication issues... but here it's both of us! I always thought that if a relationship was going to happen, it would develop with time. I think that it HAS developed with time but neither of us is able to actually verbalize and commit that to being reality. I think she has more of a problem with it than I do, but I have my own problems. As long as there's no "relationship" in the room, our "relationship" is fine, if that makes sense. We don't even have sex (which I'm strangely okay with on a day to day basis, but it would be nice you know). After 10 years, that's not much progress!
And then start reading articles about relationships with Aspies... and one after another I basically saw people telling our story. A couple, but not one that will ever go anywhere... forever courting basically, but going each to our own homes and never marrying or having children. And that made me cry because I was reading our story.
I love her very much. I just don't know how to tell her when she is just as or more afraid to open up than I am. Whenever such topics come up, she usually just changes the topic. Admittedly, I have never just come out and told her fully how I feel. When I've tried, even in roundabout ways, it hasn't gone well.
Before learning about Asperger's I had quite a long time ago accepted that we were just friends and that would be it. But even as just friends, we have been growing closer over time. I don't want to lose that. Now I understand maybe better what's going on between us, I think maybe there's some hope? It seems like her attitude is changing as well. She seems more willing to at least acknowledge our closeness and how important it is to her.
So, now I'm beginning to wonder if A) there's hope and I need to come up with some way to help both her and myself communicate and "work on" moving forward and not sitting in neutral for another ten years, or B) I should give up and just move on. Is it even possible for two people with these kinds of issues to progress in a relationship or am I just dreaming?
I may be jumping the gun here a bit but my "best friend" and I have recently been looking at various Asperger's syndrome issues and have mutually self-diagnosed. I know there's the danger of an incorrect diagnosis, but there seems to be some pretty strong evidence. In both of our cases, we've had previous diagnosis made a number of years ago that just "didn't fit". Myself, I was told I was ADD non hyperactive, and she was told she was a sociopath (literally!) After seeing Aspie information, it seems to fit much better.
We have both taken a number of the online tests and I score basically as exhibiting both aspie and neurotypical traits, though more aspie than not. She scores strongly aspie, like nearly 100% on every test. So.... that makes me rethink a lot of things. Her too, it seems.
See, we've been friends for about 10 years. We met in college. Oddly enough, even our meeting falls into a potentially aspie situation. Both of us are pretty insistent about sitting at the front of the room near the professor. In one particular class, the professor was at the corner of the room... so I naturally went for the seat closest to him, since if I sat too far away I would get distracted. Well, that was the seat SHE wanted, and she wouldn't have it. So I moved over ONE space on the bench and we sat arm to arm for the entire semester and fought over the space basically. Considering the classroom was a small lecture hall with a total of 10 students, there was no reason for us to sit that close except that we both refused to admit defeat and sit farther away I liked her, of course, and couldn't say anything... but I did ask her to study together once, and it turned out we studied together perfectly. We made everyone else in the study group mad and they left, but we both managed to get along perfectly fine.
Now, for the next ten years we've basically been each others closest friends and confidants. Our families both think of us as a couple, people ask us how long we've been married. But really, early on she basically said she wasn't into relationships, and I was just happy to have a friend like her.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being a burden and go hide for a while, and when that happens, she calls or asks me to come over so I feel like I'm not. She depends on me and I depend on her, and we argue at times (as you can imagine) but we are each other's best friends.
Really, I don't know how she feels now. After 10 years you think I'd know, but well... here's the problem.. Every example of aspie relationships I read about, it's one half of the relationship with communication issues... but here it's both of us! I always thought that if a relationship was going to happen, it would develop with time. I think that it HAS developed with time but neither of us is able to actually verbalize and commit that to being reality. I think she has more of a problem with it than I do, but I have my own problems. As long as there's no "relationship" in the room, our "relationship" is fine, if that makes sense. We don't even have sex (which I'm strangely okay with on a day to day basis, but it would be nice you know). After 10 years, that's not much progress!
And then start reading articles about relationships with Aspies... and one after another I basically saw people telling our story. A couple, but not one that will ever go anywhere... forever courting basically, but going each to our own homes and never marrying or having children. And that made me cry because I was reading our story.
I love her very much. I just don't know how to tell her when she is just as or more afraid to open up than I am. Whenever such topics come up, she usually just changes the topic. Admittedly, I have never just come out and told her fully how I feel. When I've tried, even in roundabout ways, it hasn't gone well.
Before learning about Asperger's I had quite a long time ago accepted that we were just friends and that would be it. But even as just friends, we have been growing closer over time. I don't want to lose that. Now I understand maybe better what's going on between us, I think maybe there's some hope? It seems like her attitude is changing as well. She seems more willing to at least acknowledge our closeness and how important it is to her.
So, now I'm beginning to wonder if A) there's hope and I need to come up with some way to help both her and myself communicate and "work on" moving forward and not sitting in neutral for another ten years, or B) I should give up and just move on. Is it even possible for two people with these kinds of issues to progress in a relationship or am I just dreaming?
