Reeling from a break-up with a man with ASD, undiagnosed

[KMac]

Of course . Without going into details, I was in a similar situation. I suffered a great personal loss and my fiancé at the time (and her family) wouldn't really acknowledge it. Just acted like everything was great and nothing happened (not even a "Sorry for your loss."). I was very angry and felt betrayed, but few people in her life could understand. They seemed to think I was wrong, which was even more invalidating. So I know how it is for others to ignore real needs and how easy it is to blame yourself afterward. Not that I wouldn't do some things differently or can't criticize any of my behavior, in this situation...but sometimes people want us to feel it's all our fault because it makes life easy for them.

Hopefully you'll find a guy who wants, values, and can handle your time.

I am so sorry the people you loved most couldn’t be there for you when you needed it.
You sound very self-aware and introspective - it has probably saved your life at times.

I’m still trying to decipher all of my own situation in my head - I’m so confused I’m starting to think the whole relationship was a rouse, and yet I loved him so deeply. He could seem so incredibly into me, and then poof. Into retreat mode. I understood it, but it was still so painful at times. And now, he is out for good telling me he just doesn’t have the energy and doesn’t want to mislead me, but is already connecting with another ex only days later. Does he have the energy for her? Is he willing to mislead her? Why is it so easy for some to move on?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

do not make the mistake of reading us using behaviors, normally attributed to more typical people, we tend to be direct not prone to misleading, lying or finding clever ways to manipulate situations. the main difference is we like our alone time, my wife goes shopping or long two-hour walks daily, works for me even when working I worked alone had to deal with suppliers, but then I Liked conversing about the technical stuff.
keep in mind I Have never bought my wife any sort of jewelry, do not see the point, have never worn a wedding ring. she bought her own wedding ring, her business. we do think differently.

 

[Aspychata]

I love this, albeit in a pained way. It’s the truth. I just hope moving forward I can believe it wasn’t because I am not enough.

Think we on the spectrum live a lot in our own world. So it's hard for us to include others in that. We sorta don't have the basic need to bond thing going on. I believe he truly cared for you because you were in his life. But sometimes relationships kind of bounce around a bit because we truly don't know what the status is. It's nobody's fault. Commitment seems like such a foreign concept to me. However, l am extremely loyal until l feel perhaps the guy pond l am swimming in turns to black ink (deception), or swamp like, (l am sinking).

 

[KMac]

Reading the article that @GypsyMoth posted, I thought it was illuminating in describing what can be happening for some Aspie men in this situation, but also can think of so many difficult situations that couples I have worked with are up against, the vast majority of whom are not on the autistic spectrum. The most common issue couples come up against is communication difficulties, and a common problem for both people is attachment insecurities that each individual may experience. At least a third of all people are somewhat insecure in relating, whether neurotypical or neurodiverse.

As this man the OP describes doesn't have any diagnosis, we dont know if he is someone with Aspergers, or what someone qualified to diagnose would say. It does seem like what the OP wanted was for this otherwise happy guy who had his life in balance, to get himself a diagnosis of Aspergers aka ASD1, and work towards being different so they could then have a happy relationship. It doesn't seem a big surprise to me that someone hearing this would back off.

It seems good that both parties realised the relationship wasn't working for them, and moved on. A lot of people with ASD are in happy relationships, a lot of people who are neurotypical are too, and plenty of couples who are both neurotypical are in difficulties in relating.

Why would it cause someone to back off to hear I wanted to work on ways to relate and connect better if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me?

 

[KMac]

Why would it cause someone to back off to hear I wanted to work on ways to relate and connect better if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me?

And I wonder if a life of coming on strong with women and inexplicably backing off and then returning as if nothing happened is a happy, balanced life?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

you are thinking how you would react, not how he would react anybody that deals with me could ask me a question thinking there is a standard answer, they would find out quickly this not the case my answer would be something they had not even thought of. this caused a lot of issue s when I Had my stroke, the therapist was trying to determine brain damage. none of my answers to her standard questions made sense to her totally confused her, she had to leave the room and go for a walk to chat with my wife, was this typical yes it was no damage I just did not fit the preconceived slots she was taught in university most questions have multiple answers. the context matters. for us on the spectrum it really matters, do not presuppose. I like to talk to women at party's no ulterior motive, a typical person may see this as flirting to me it is just having a conversation. so do not see something that is not there. what you think is your perspective may be completely off the mark. I'm pretty good at reading people having not met either of you all I can do is generalize.

 

[Gracey]

I love this, albeit in a pained way. It’s the truth. I just hope moving forward I can believe it wasn’t because I am not enough.

Absolutely not.
Don't believe it for a second.
Don't doubt or try to burden yourself with blame.
- it wont change the outcome and is complete waste of your time and energy.

Grieve your loss. Find your balance again. Move on.

 

[Aspychata]

Why would it cause someone to back off to hear I wanted to work on ways to relate and connect better if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me?

Commitment is a very scary concept to some men. My ex-husband was very frighten of this but after living 2 years together, he finally proposed.

Some men are scared of taking the next step for all sorts of reasons. So they just back off of the relationship or emotionally withdraw.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Now a days commitment is when you have a kid or family, nobody gets married any more. My son gave his fiancé a nice ring covid kept them from getting married, now she is with child planned, that's commitment. Unfortunately, onus is on the women to determine if she is in a valid relationship, mistake unwanted pregnancy.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Why would it cause someone to back off to hear I wanted to work on ways to relate and connect better if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me?

Because he has no need to work on it. He doesn't want that level of connection with you. He wants to be alone, or in relationships in which he is comfortable because he knows them so well. Who's to say he isn't going to cut off the ex in a few months?

This kind of push/pull is common I think in many aspies, not just men. We want the closeness and then once we have a bit of closeness, we have to cut off for the alone time and safety of being by ourselves.

 

[Aspychata]

Because he has no need to work on it. He doesn't want that level of connection with you. He wants to be alone, or in relationships in which he is comfortable because he knows them so well. Who's to say he isn't going to cut off the ex in a few months?

This kind of push/pull is common I think in many aspies, not just men. We want the closeness and then once we have a bit of closeness, we have to cut off for the alone time and safety of being by ourselves.

This is true. There are so many things that can flip the outcome, your age, your distance, the time you already committed to the relationship, how much respect you each show each other, and how badly do want a connection as @WhitewaterWoman states.

The thing about aspie men, is alot of them aren't afraid to be themselves. So it's very refreshing to meet such a authentic person. I think l have only met four in my lifetime. Three of them weren't relationships, just friends.