Recently Broken or Always been Faulty?

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'll tell you what. I'll let you be negative toward yourself, but I won't let you be negative toward me. I'm stepping away from this conversation.

Time to re think some helpful strategies.. maybe

People find their own balance

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

I hope you don't take this wrong or think that I'm "siding" with Beguiling Orbit but I think he absolutely understands where you are coming from and has given you advice from his perspective and experience. I'm one of the older ones here and from what I have observed and personally experienced over the decades in my life has led me to be more kind to myself and to cut myself some slack in many situations. With that said I have known that I am an aspie for many years and have come to accept that facet of my being. Therefore I have read tons of books and articles relating to being on the Spectrum and know myself. Sometimes I feel it's me vs. the world however when I really think about it I realize I am just being too sensitive. NT's are not perfect; far from it. Not only do they not get our situation but they too have times when they feel misunderstood, have meltdowns, and doubt themselves. We are all related; we are all human. Self-acceptance is the key along with self-love and the ability to forgive oneself along with forgiving others. Don't be so hard on yourself! Nobody or nothing is perfect and nothing remains the same. We all have times when people or situations bring us down but dwelling on that along with what you believe are negative differences within you certainly will not help you feel better about yourself and/or situation. If I had a nickel for every time I felt downhearted after being reprimanded or had something I did or said pointed out to me as rude or just plain odd I would be a very wealthy woman. Take off your mask and breathe; be yourself and don't worry so much about what other people think. As far as I'm concerned being on the Spectrum is more of a blessing than a curse. Be positive regarding yourself. From what you write regarding your talents you have a lot going for you and I hope you realize that and focus more on the positive aspects of your life. Being an aspie doesn't mean you have to spend your life pretending to be something you are not. I hope you stick around this forum for I have learned so much here along with reading literature regarding Asperger's. I'm proud to be an Aspie and you can be too if you dwell more on your gifts than on the bad moments. Good thoughts to you, Kevin. It will get better if you attempt to learn more regarding the Spectrum. Take care.

 

[Kevin1968]

I honestly believe that some people are failing to realise it is only my current mood, I know that tomorrow is another day, this is just temporary and I am usually far more positive (internally anyway).

It's a description of my recent experience..not what I expect to feel forever.

Please don't get hung up on my choice of words, they obviously mean different things to different people. Positive spin words have never worked for me before, they do work for some people, but we are all different.

I've fallen down, allow me time to rub my bruises and check my bones before expecting me to climb back up the mountain again. Scar tissue is stronger than normal skin but it does takes a little time to form.

This is a dark place I'm in, darker than I like it to be, don't worry though I will climb out to the sunlight, I know it's there...somewhere.... I've seen it before, I just want to make sure I pick a good path, one that suits me...when I'm ready.
(wow so many metaphors!! but trying to be clear)

 

[LogicalMind]

Lol...I think this has just been a misunderstanding between Irish/American semantics. I see why Orbit wants to use the goals based idea, of trying to see things in a positive light, opportunities to successfuly change etc...

However I also see, that Kevin is a mature man, and he isn't necessarily looking for motivation towards anything...I believe he is trying to understand, consciously reflect on what behaviour he has that others might occasionally misinterpret.


More a reflective paragraph, than an emotional one...

That being said @Beguiling Orbit I do really admire what you said, it is definitely the right thing to say to most people and what I have even said, to females, men going through a sensitive emotional time, or young people. So you did right and with good motives, but just with the wrong target audience... That being said, I enjoyed Kevin's piece, I found it slightly inspiring actually lol... Helped me reflect on my own behaviour, in ways I have never even questioned before. I am also a "method actor" engrossed in the transient social interactions, thanks Kevin...really loved this piece, and I can definitely relate lol

 

[LogicalMind]

Poetic Kevin, I really like it

 

[LooseEnds]

I understand. You are entitled to feel whatever it is you're feeling right now. And call it what you like. Learning unexpected things about oneself can be a shock, it can be scary, saddening, panicky. You are an engineer... you will see what you need and move forward in your own way when you are ready. Meanwhile you will find support here from people at all stages and a variety of views. Welcome. Hang in there.

 

[Crossbreed]

Recently Broken or Always been Faulty? I don't know which I am.

In light of neuro-diversity, I don't think that those are your only two choices.

 

[Kevin1968]

In light of neuro-diversity, I don't think that those are your only two choices.

True, could be almost anything. But I was viewing it from the point of view that, for most of my life, as far as I was consciously aware, I have been reasonably "successful", but now I'm very much aware that something isn't right.

("Successful" isn't quite the right word, but it's close enough)

 

[Sabrina]

Hi, What was the triggering event that you mentioned?

 

[Kevin1968]

Hi, What was the triggering event that you mentioned?

A few unexpected "home truths" why do you ask?

 

[wight]

Kevin, relative to the frame of reference of machinery, "faulty/broken/fixing" is understandable. I've used the term "broken" describing myself before, in the same way you mean it. I would like to point out that we (humans) are not machines in the same sense as the equipment you work on. Our brains may be, in one sense, chemical mechanisms yet they are far more complex than that description would imply. Further they can not be "fixed" in the mechanism sense by replacing a part or uploading new version of software.

I guess my point is that you may find it helpful to gain a better understanding of how our brains are formed, how they function, etc. Such that you have a different frame of reference in which to understand what you are trying to grapple with.

Again, I would concur/second your feelings of "playing a part" or "wearing a mask". And no longer being able to keep up the act. You boss's little "speech" came as a shock because it made you aware of things you weren't. Getting chewed out by the boss is always frightening, panic inducing, etc. to a degree. For you, it seems, this event seems to have released a lot of pent up/ignored feelings for you. That's ok, take some time to process and try to be forgiving of yourself.

Also, try to remember in the process, the things you CAN do well. You wouldn't still have your job if you weren't really good at it. Being good at your job, may be the touchstone/grounding to hang on to while you figure all this out.

Once you find yourself a little more emotionally balanced, you'll need to begin learning a different way to interact with co-worker and customers. What you say (the words), how you say it (tone), and being aware of your own body language. This is going to be a slow and difficult process since you've not done it before.

I guess there are more things I could say, but I'll leave it there for now.

 

[Kevin1968]

Kevin, relative to the frame of reference of machinery, "faulty/broken/fixing" is understandable. I've used the term "broken" describing myself before, in the same way you mean it. I would like to point out that we (humans) are not machines in the same sense as the equipment you work on. Our brains may be, in one sense, chemical mechanisms yet they are far more complex than that description would imply. Further they can not be "fixed" in the mechanism sense by replacing a part or uploading new version of software.

I guess my point is that you may find it helpful to gain a better understanding of how our brains are formed, how they function, etc. Such that you have a different frame of reference in which to understand what you are trying to grapple with.

Again, I would concur/second your feelings of "playing a part" or "wearing a mask". And no longer being able to keep up the act. You boss's little "speech" came as a shock because it made you aware of things you weren't. Getting chewed out by the boss is always frightening, panic inducing, etc. to a degree. For you, it seems, this event seems to have released a lot of pent up/ignored feelings for you. That's ok, take some time to process and try to be forgiving of yourself.

Also, try to remember in the process, the things you CAN do well. You wouldn't still have your job if you weren't really good at it. Being good at your job, may be the touchstone/grounding to hang on to while you figure all this out.

Once you find yourself a little more emotionally balanced, you'll need to begin learning a different way to interact with co-worker and customers. What you say (the words), how you say it (tone), and being aware of your own body language. This is going to be a slow and difficult process since you've not done it before.

I guess there are more things I could say, but I'll leave it there for now.

I don't know why you felt the need to point out our best bodies and especially our brains are much more complex than any equipment? People devote their entire lives to trying to understand small parts of it, I'm certainly not arrogant enough to believe I can simply flick a switch and all will be OK.

I agree my skills at my job are my strength, but for me it was less about the boss telling me these things than it was that I was totally unaware of my failings. e.g. if I was someone who couldn't do something like change a flat tire I would know, but in my case it's like driving on three wheels thinking everything is OK.

Fixing the words and tone and possibly body language isn't easy when you aren't sure what is right and what is wrong. Also don't forget a lot of people can tell when body language is faked. But perhaps faked body language is better than the wrong body language?

As regards not having done it before? I believe I have been doing it for years, I still have the books on body language I bought as a teenager (I must reread them) perhaps tiredness/stress had resulted in a poorer performance than usual. I also wonder if having to constantly "perform" and present a more amiable character is healthy in the long term. And even though I realise I can't (while still remaining socially acceptable) I still want to be me.

 

[Sabrina]

A few unexpected "home truths" why do you ask?

Incurable curiosity ... and, also because you mentioned it.

 

[Bella Pines]

Apparently I am too "abrupt", seeing things as black or white and can be difficult to work with, worryingly I was also accused of pushing colleagues aside in my haste to get a job done, not violently but still not a good thing.

Yes, sounds aspie. I see things in black and white, there is never any grey for me. It impacts everything I do, I either do things or I don't bother, I like things or I don't, there is never any balance. I metaphorically push people aside, but only because I am hyper focused on my task and they are just getting in my way. I also loathe and despise small talk, what an utter, pointless waste of time.

I'm starting to think I've always been faulty and that it's my mask that has broken, however it wasn't a perfect mask, I was convinced it was, but no doubt others know better. As I've indicated the mask has cracked before, but those cracks were quickly covered over. However each time the crack has gotten wider, I'm scared that if I just cover the cracks again the next time it will break completely. I'm obviously slightly faulty, but the mask I see in the mirror is badly broken. Time to get the glue out?

You're not faulty, perhaps a bit of a drama queen but definitely not faulty

I'm in my forties, aspie and have pretty much all the symptoms in spades. However, I do and always have seen it as a personality trait rather than a syndrome or disorder. I always saw neurotypicals as faulty. I can think clearer, become who I want to become, do what needs to be done. What can they do, talk extensively about the weather? Wonderful.

So if you can't find a way to put the mask back on, define a new mask. Do you want to be a new age caring, sharing engineer? Do you want to be the grumpy old man engineer, like the muppets in the theatre box? We all wear masks, only aspies acknowledge them. My masks cover mother, wife, city executive and photographer, but I can't keep them up for long and I meltdown if I don't have alone time. But I'm grateful to have that choice. Tonight's mask will be antisocial geek having alone time with star trek and merlot.

 

[Mia]

The exact same thing happened to my husband, after a performance review. His boss was a particularly asinine jerk. That no one liked, and that may have been the key. He became a mute, depressed, shadow of himself. Eventually, he couldn't put the 'nice & gentle mask' on. It had broken to pieces.

He arranged his job to work at night, and on weekends. Very little contact with people or phones. He avoided driving during peak rush hour, and there was a lot less stress in his life. He socialized at work parties by going and shaking everyone's hands, and staying for fifteen minutes.

His boss attempted many things, undermining his authority, his skills, his intellect. Husband was deeply depressed for years, on his job. He remained the same person, that he was, there was no change in his work ethic or abilities. His boss was detested universally by all the people he worked with, with the exception of a few people looking for favors. Eventually his boss was 'gotten rid of' by being offered a higher position in another city. No one but the social committee attended his goodbye party. All went back to the way it had been previously.

My advice, stay who you are. Tailor your job to your needs. There will continuously be people you encounter in your life who will attempt to control you, and tell you how to act or be. Ignore them and make your way.

 

[Kevin1968]

Yes, sounds aspie. I see things in black and white, there is never any grey for me. It impacts everything I do, I either do things or I don't bother, I like things or I don't, there is never any balance. I metaphorically push people aside, but only because I am hyper focused on my task and they are just getting in my way. I also loathe and despise small talk, what an utter, pointless waste of time.



You're not faulty, perhaps a bit of a drama queen but definitely not faulty

I'm in my forties, aspie and have pretty much all the symptoms in spades. However, I do and always have seen it as a personality trait rather than a syndrome or disorder. I always saw neurotypicals as faulty. I can think clearer, become who I want to become, do what needs to be done. What can they do, talk extensively about the weather? Wonderful.

So if you can't find a way to put the mask back on, define a new mask. Do you want to be a new age caring, sharing engineer? Do you want to be the grumpy old man engineer, like the muppets in the theatre box? We all wear masks, only aspies acknowledge them. My masks cover mother, wife, city executive and photographer, but I can't keep them up for long and I meltdown if I don't have alone time. But I'm grateful to have that choice. Tonight's mask will be antisocial geek having alone time with star trek and merlot.

Yes I guess it could appear as a bit "drama queen", but I wasn't in a good place then, better now...I think.

Perhaps you are right it's the NT's that are faulty, Tony Attwood believes aspies might be the next stage of human evolution (

) Unfortunately it's still putting round pegs into square holes, it can be done, just damages (wrong word??? modifies? not quite it either) both the peg and the hole.

As you say a new "mask" is needed, hopefully one that hides the me that is grumpy through frustration etc. I suspect I had been wearing the same mask so long I had forgotten it was there and I didn't know it slipped whenever I was tired...In future I 'm going to remember to relax and take it off, at least when I am alone. "star trek and merlot"? no mask needed for that, enjoy!

 

[Bella Pines]

I don't know, there's something to be said for a grumpy mask!

http://journalthis.danoah.com/wp-content/uploads/best-funniest-grumpy-cat-5.jpg

 

[the_tortoise]

Perhaps this is just a communication issue, you think that I'm being negative in my choice of words, Maybe others do but I don't consider "faulty" is any more negative than "having challenges". I can accept that you see a difference but please understand that I don't.

It's likely that not seeing the difference is one of the "challenges" that I need to overcome when dealing with others, but the words don't make any difference to me, just how I am viewed by others.

I understand this. It used to be an enormous problem for me....now it is (I hope) a smaller problem.

The difference is usually in connotations and contextual use.......those are supposed to link up/give clues about often invisible things like context the words exist in, and possibly also -- or as part of that -- trying to figure out the headspace/perspective of the speaker/writer (which could include things like their feelings/emotions about whatever is being discussed or related things, their thought process, their beliefs about whatever seems relevent to the discussion, their intentions/motivations in speaking/writing).