Realising I'm probably Autistic

[JamesDean]

Hello,
I'm new here.

It just struck me a couple of days ago that I'm probably on the spectrum.

I've been to see the college doctor for mental health a little over a year ago and Aspergers was mentioned, but I shrugged it off.
I went in for: Depression, irritability, anger issues, social anxiety/general anxiety, no real friends, hating my college course, impulsivity, and fixations..
They thought I might be bipolar, so I had a psych referral.
In the referral I was asked if I find emotions difficult, or if I like routine, do I find people difficult, do I like people etc.
They mentioned Aspergers.
I said 'no I get people... I have a cousin with Aspergers and I'm not like him.

My cousin's case is quite severe, he will probably never live independently, so I compared myself to him and I just dismissed the possibility.
I was told 'You're very intelligent, you're quite eccentric and you do have some issues that I think will be resolved with counselling.

Now I'm realising I probably am on the spectrum, it's quite a strange idea but I can see how it would fit.

I was studying business.
Somehow got through 1 and a half years and after a number of melt downs I gave up, I was miserable for that entire length of time.
I'm now studying Software Development and loving it.
I had to go back to first year (at 21) and so I joined the course late, I've some catching up to do but I'm catching up quite quickly.

I don't socialise well, I'm great if I have something to talk about, or if it's an interesting subject but I can't do small talk and I can't engage if I don't find the topic interesting.
I usually just have facts about the topic, or I pose my opinions as statements made by people with authority..
I just thought it was something I had to work on, and while it is something I have to work on it's not neurotypical. I mean I never knew other people 'got' small talk, that it was natural to some people and others just had to work a little on it.. I really have to work at it.

I haven't really talked to anyone in college yet, other than lecturers, I was fine in the meeting for transferring but not when chatting with my classmates.
There was a thing this week where they went to make up a group chat, I put my name down but hadn't set up whatsapp yet, I heard one of them ask 'who's ---- and I didn't answer.
I felt stupid afterwards but I just got way too worked up about it.

I didn't think I needed a routine, I still don't really think that but I like to have a Cappuccino each morning..
For clothes too - I'm interested in fashion, or at least how it pertains to me.
So I try to look good, but I'm very analytical about it and it's never just 'oh I like it'..
I want to develop a uniform too, I want to dress in the style of Rick Owens, and basically have a go-to uniform with some slight changes, dressing like Jack Dorsey basically.

I hated starting new in college, I didn't want to go in my first day, I was okay after that and then it came to first day of computer labs and I had to drag myself in.. I just felt like faking being sick.
But again, I was fine when I went in.

I'm probably on the high functioning side, or that I am borderline on the spectrum.. or both.
I have grand ambitions and my fixations relate to that.
So I love understanding how businesses work (hence studying business) and I want to be self employed, I want to work in tech... so either by myself or for a start up i believe in.
I'm very creative too so that lends itself to all of that too.
I have high aspirations.. I've read that 'a person who doesn't seek out social engagement has found something far more interesting'.. I don't like other people that much, most people are nice, but they're not interesting, I always feel somewhat alien, it was a derogatory nickname of mine in school because I was 'always on another planet', and I apparently have a big head.

I have somewhat of an eidetic memory - I can recite conversations, events, stuff I've read.
Not in the sense that I can read a textbook and recite it from memory but I've always tested well in school and at college despite never really studying.

I can also sing well and I play guitar.. I pick up songs very quickly too, I love reading into lyrics, and timing of songs, what makes it sound so good etc..

Weirdly enough I was talking to my dad about it, namely about how Bill Gates is probably on the spectrum.
He said he's almost certain he's on the spectrum, 'looking back it explains a hell of a lot about me growing up'.. we've always been told how alike we are, both in looks, mannerisms and whatnot.
He also said I probably have it too.. That was crazy, something I didn't want to speak about with others my dad had still noticed features of it in me, because he was doing his own research into it.

I've even experienced some of the more 'strong' indications, like when I get overwhelmed, or at least when I did in the past.. I've pulled out hair on one occasion and I bang my hands (closed fist, opposite side of thumb) off whatever surface is near me, so I get bruises on the outside of my wrists.


I don't know where to really go from here.
Should I get a professional diagnosis?
Why?
Was it a positive or negative event for you, and what were the implications?
How will my college life/experience change if at all?

This is all pretty overwhelming if I'm being completely honest.

 

[FlowerChild]

Hi, welcome to the community!

A lot of us on here (myself included) have experienced late in life revelations of Autism (i.e. as adults and not children), so hopefully you will find others with some common ground on here!

The good news is that I think this is a relatively good time for Autistic people (even compared to 5 or 10 years ago), in terms of understanding and acceptance. But particularly in terms of community and self-perception. If I could go back and change one thing about finding out I am Autistic myself (I didn't know until I was 24), I would have spent a lot more time focussing on the positives of this identity. I had a really difficult time accepting that--while, yes, my life suddenly made sense which was a relief in many ways--my life also changed irreparably, as did my perception of myself. Often times this took a negative shape; I wondered for a solid 2 years after my diagnosis whether I could, in fact, do all the things I'd hoped to do in my life (children, travel, etc.).

So with that said, I'd really recommend that you try to connect with some Autism positivity movements online and see what others on the spectrum have to say about being Autistic. This is often times a lot more positive--and will give a lot deeper understanding of the negatives--than outside perspectives (medical, psychological, parents of Autistic children, etc.).

If you're on twitter, try looking up #ActuallyAutistic #Neurodiversity and #TakeTheMaskOff

There are also a whole bunch of blogs out there written by Autistic people. This can help you understand sensory processing, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnout, executive dysfunction, stimming, special interests, etc. in a very different light than you'd hear from psychological communities.

Hope this is helpful - as I said, if I could go back and change one thing about those early years for me, I'd wish I had access to the positive representations of Autism that are out there now--in particular, people self-representing as opposed to being spoken for by the medical community. I think this would've helped me manage a lot of heartache and avoid such a negative self-image in the two years following my diagnosis.

 

[Progster]

Before I was diagnosed I used to think that I 'got' people too, or that I was doing ok at least... and then, my partner one day got frustrated with me and said something like, 'you're really intelligent, but you're no good with people' ... and then, my mum told me that I don't pick up on people's moods... so other people's perception of me was totally different to how I perceived myself. Then I started to have a lot of issues at work, anxiety and depression, I started to look more into Asperger's and I started to reflect on my life and realised that things weren't ok and never had been, I just wanted them to be due to my previous assumption that I was neurotypical, all sorts of pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. The diagnosis helped me a lot to understand myself and make sense of many of my life experiences.

 

[JamesDean]

Hi, welcome to the community!

A lot of us on here (myself included) have experienced late in life revelations of Autism (i.e. as adults and not children), so hopefully you will find others with some common ground on here!

The good news is that I think this is a relatively good time for Autistic people (even compared to 5 or 10 years ago), in terms of understanding and acceptance. But particularly in terms of community and self-perception. If I could go back and change one thing about finding out I am Autistic myself (I didn't know until I was 24), I would have spent a lot more time focussing on the positives of this identity. I had a really difficult time accepting that--while, yes, my life suddenly made sense which was a relief in many ways--my life also changed irreparably, as did my perception of myself. Often times this took a negative shape; I wondered for a solid 2 years after my diagnosis whether I could, in fact, do all the things I'd hoped to do in my life (children, travel, etc.).

So with that said, I'd really recommend that you try to connect with some Autism positivity movements online and see what others on the spectrum have to say about being Autistic. This is often times a lot more positive--and will give a lot deeper understanding of the negatives--than outside perspectives (medical, psychological, parents of Autistic children, etc.).

If you're on twitter, try looking up #ActuallyAutistic #Neurodiversity and #TakeTheMaskOff

There are also a whole bunch of blogs out there written by Autistic people. This can help you understand sensory processing, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnout, executive dysfunction, stimming, special interests, etc. in a very different light than you'd hear from psychological communities.

Hope this is helpful - as I said, if I could go back and change one thing about those early years for me, I'd wish I had access to the positive representations of Autism that are out there now--in particular, people self-representing as opposed to being spoken for by the medical community. I think this would've helped me manage a lot of heartache and avoid such a negative self-image in the two years following my diagnosis.

Thank you!

It's quite strange coming to this point.. I mean what were just my own idiosyncrasies are actually often times signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder.. that's a hard thing to take in.

I've had a look at some of the tags, sadly on Instagram it's just used as a way to say "Ha you think your problems are tough, oh you normie"..
I hate that idiotic, one track type of thinking, and the rest of the posts seem to just be memes trying to be relatable, with some genuine posts in between..

That idea of the mask too, that's strange because it's a visualisation I always used that I'm putting on a face or hiding, that I'm never showing my true self.

I also always do that thing we're you go up on your tippy toes, especially when waiting for the bus.. It's like I'm stretching my calfs.

There's some of it that I don't relate to.
The sensitivity to light and sounds, sometimes I find it hard to concentrate but that's not abnormal in my opinion, and it's not a symptom.
But now that I'm trying to give examples I don't know where the symptoms start and the traits begin.

I get bored quite easily, but I also have intense periods of concentration, I get really into certain topics and have no time for others.. I cannot bring myself to study them.
But I don't have a schedule, I wake up whenever, I go to sleep whenever, I do whatever.. I just like having a Cappuccino in the morning and I'd be more than happy to never leave my house.
I also hate driving with a passion.. my lovely parents brought me a car for my 21st and I still hate driving.

I can give and take in a conversation.. with friends or with a set goal - appointment, meeting etc. but making up small talk is over my head.
I dislike being too close to people, I met someone before who got way too close and I couldn't hear a thing she said.

I don't know what's an example of possible/probable ASD and what's just me.
I was great at English in school, that's apparently not common, and I hated accounting in college..

This is more pressing than social issues, at least to me.
It also scares the crap out of me how high of a percentage is unemployed.
Maybe I do just want to be unemployed and reclusive in my house..
Part of me wants to build an empire, to have a sizeable impact.
Part of me wants to live in a tiny house, something renewable and cozy, where I can work remotely.. because as Rick Owens said ~ 'I like email, you do away with all the niceties and it's just what needs to be said, you can go over it and redo things too, it's the modern equivalent of a love letter.'

 

[JamesDean]

Before I was diagnosed I used to think that I 'got' people too, or that I was doing ok at least... and then, my partner one day got frustrated with me and said something like, 'you're really intelligent, but you're no good with people' ... and then, my mum told me that I don't pick up on people's moods... so other people's perception of me was totally different to how I perceived myself. Then I started to have a lot of issues at work, anxiety and depression, I started to look more into Asperger's and I started to reflect on my life and realised that things weren't ok and never had been, I just wanted them to be due to my previous assumption that I was neurotypical, all sorts of pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. The diagnosis helped me a lot to understand myself and make sense of many of my life experiences.

That's a scary realisation, that things weren't ok and never had been.
I don't enjoy life, I've posted enough on anonymous forums about mental health to scare some professionals.
I am cynical and pessimistic, I don't really know what to think, I didn't realise it's not normal to not say hello to people you know when you see them on the bus, I feel like I've regressed in recent years.
First year of college I knew a lot of people.. I had a nickname that preceded me, so everyone knew me, but I had no real friends.

My college experience was ruined if I'm being entirely honest, and maybe that's by a large part my fault for not realising the clues - or just not acting on them.
I was being pushed out of the group, never mind the group even just with a housemate.
He went over to a neighbours house to walk into classes, I either went with or followed across and we walked into college.
They power-walked, I had shinsplints trying to keep up.
Things like when I was getting read and I heard the front door small on the lock, I looked out the front window to see my housemate running down the path with a hoodie over his arm shouting back 'I've to drop this over to one of the girls! I'll be back in a bit',
And I fell asleep in my clothes for going out.
I guessed after an hour that he probably hid his alcohol under the hoodie to have an excuse to leave.

There's a hell of a lot in retrospect that doesn't seem fine, it didn't at the time because I was miserable but also from a diagnostics perspective - it wasn't normal on my behalf either.

So where do I go from here?
Should I get a diagnosis, could that ever hold me back?
How do I beat the statistics?
I hate the idea of getting a job for the sake of having a job, I've always been told I'm far more capable than just some data entry rubbish.. but then again I can't even get part time work.

I've failed every one of the situational issue tests given for retail work, and even stock room work "Co worker does this, manager says this, what do you do? x, y, or z?"..
I feel trapped by the situation I'm in, even seeing the ads pop up at the side of the forum, and they change images.. that's distracting as hell.
Most people with ASD are unemployed, I'm someone who can't be happy with a basic level job, I want to do a hell of a lot of things and while this won't stop me (if it is the actual diagnosis), it feels like I'm working against the grain all the time, so what's the alternative?

 

[Progster]

So where do I go from here?
Should I get a diagnosis, could that ever hold me back?

People on this forum don't know you personally or your circumstances so they can't tell you whether you shoud get a diagnosis or not, that is your decision. It helps, though to read the experiences of others, learn about their diagnostic experience, especially those in the same country as you. Then weigh up the potential benefits and drawbacks based on what you have read, and your personal circumstances.

even seeing the ads pop up at the side of the forum, and they change images.. that's distracting as hell.

Yeah, this drives me absolutely crazy!! I have two apps installed on my firefox browser which take care of this - an ad blocker, and a gif freezer, though they don't get rid of the problem of moving banners heading sites, or videos that automatically start up when you go onto a site, or these pesky cookies notifications that pop up on your screen. So many irritations!! Also, if you make a contribution to the site, you don't see the adverts (and help finance the forum).

 

[JamesDean]

People on this forum don't know you personally or your circumstances so they can't tell you whether you shoud get a diagnosis or not, that is your decision. It helps, though to read the experiences of others, learn about their diagnostic experience, especially those in the same country as you. Then weigh up the potential benefits and drawbacks based on what you have read, and your personal circumstances.

Yeah, this drives me absolutely crazy!! I have two apps installed on my firefox browser which take care of this - an ad blocker, and a gif freezer, though they don't get rid of the problem of moving banners heading sites, or videos that automatically start up when you go onto a site, or these pesky cookies notifications that pop up on your screen. So many irritations!! Also, if you make a contribution to the site, you don't see the adverts (and help finance the forum).

Yeah, I can't really expect others to make a suggestion based solely off what I've told them.. which shows an issue in the other reason I posted: To get an opinion from people who have been in my situation, who have been diagnosed and who are self aware, as to whether or not they think I might be on the spectrum.
Obviously not in a medical diagnosis but just going off of your experiences..

I really should start using adblockers, at the moment I just zoom in the screen to crop out the stupid ads.
I have a hatred for adverts, it annoys me far more than it probably should!