Radical shift.

[blackfish]

I snapped. Don't know exactly what happened last night.

Suddenly my computer has a cybersec Linux distro installed, a monitor with international news and cameras from all around the world.

I broke my e-SIM card. Erased all my social media. Something happened inside me. Something broke permanently.

I decided to take the pills in the end. Seemed the right thing to do.

But the world, it doesn't deserve me.

 

[Rodafina]

Sounds like you are going through something tough right now, @blackfish.

Do you have anyone in your life who is supportive and helpful to you?

 

[blackfish]

Sounds like you are going through something tough right now, @blackfish.

Do you have anyone in your life who is supportive and helpful to you?

I don't, really. I'm almost entirely hyperfocused on objective things and I used to have a "social life" (actually a very well-masked and performative "social life"). I've been here before when I was 15, that was a long time ago but I remember being pretty happy. Diminishing social interactions can be actually beneficial to me since most of my paranoia stems from other people's dubious intentions.

I was just playing Daydreaming by Radiohead on my old Yamaha and the nostalgia hit me. I was surprised how well I memorized the song, since I haven't played it in years.

I must assume I'm going through some radical shift in my psyche. I don't miss people, I don't want to go out, and any slight interaction results in paranoia, shame and anger. If I can't make them stop attacking me, then I will shut them off for good.

But I'm open for PM if you want to. Anonymous internet doesn't give me any paranoia.

 

[Rodafina]

I was just playing Daydreaming by Radiohead on my old Yamaha and the nostalgia hit me. I was surprised how well I memorized the song, since I haven't played it in years.

I've always liked Radiohead.

I've read that our musical memories are stored in a different part of our brain than other memories. I worked with a woman with advanced dementia for awhile and although she was losing her ability to speak in full sentences, she could still play complex songs and sing at her piano.

Anonymous internet doesn't give me any paranoia.

That sounds like a good way to stay connected to other humans when the paranoia strikes.

 

[Coxhere]

I snapped. Don't know exactly what happened last night.

Suddenly my computer has a cybersec Linux distro installed, a monitor with international news and cameras from all around the world.

I broke my e-SIM card. Erased all my social media. Something happened inside me. Something broke permanently.

I decided to take the pills in the end. Seemed the right thing to do.

But the world, it doesn't deserve me.

Have you experienced these kinds of thoughts and feelings in the past? If so, how did you manage during those earlier times? Also, have you been seen by any kind of mental health professionals? If so, are you keeping her/him up-to-date on what's going on with you? Are you, by chance, taking any prescription medications to help you? (I am and I've been on several psychotropic medications for years. I've tried with psychiatric supervision to get off of them but I am unable. Every time I've tried to reduce and get off the meds, I became "unstable." I'll be taking medications for all of my life. And because they keep me safe and sane, it's okay; it's just fine.)

Are you actively suicidal? If so, go to a hospital emergency room, immediately! If you are deep into a depressed mood right now, you are most likely not able to understand, know, and see the special, god-gift whom you are.

Stay in contact with us here at AspiesCentral.com. It may not seem like it but there are many people here who have gone through similar situations as you have expressed and are experiencing. So, it's very easy for many of us, most of us, to care and support you at this time.