Hello! Just to start off, my name is Orion, I am 19 with Autism. I lived in a wealthy environment but with bad parenting and a abusive non-family member. Some of these things that you are going to see in a moment about what happen in my life and I am looking for a tool to help control the anger, anxiety, stress, depression, etc. I have help from a loving aunt who is helping me with my Autism & to understand what autism is.
I would like to give a heads up that I may mistype, or have a miss-spell and may not see it.
So around 2008 at the age of 11 my father had cheated on my mother, stole money from her, etc. I was taken away from my mother but with custody, etc.
When I had moved I had a binge problem that caused weight gain, stress and fear. My dad's gf (Whom will be related as N) N had some anger issues. My sister who is normal doesn't have autism, but my brother who younger has a bit of a severe type of autism. Anyways N would swear hateful words, verbally abuse, and sometimes physically harm, or put us in a dangerous situation. N who also has a daughter named J learned these behaviors from her mother. So my world was hell. My binge was caused by separation, fear of abuse, cutting because of depression, etc. This was experienced within the first few years of living with another family. Finally N was tired of me and moved out.
She was fed up with the ******** I brought upon her, once she moved out, I didn't have issues, no binge problems, nothing.
Until a few months later she moved in, but this time we moved in to a new house where my problems had reconquered.
During this time I was in a special autism program that helped with my special needs and anger problems. I was able to attend mainsteam classes in 6th grade & was able to graduate the year of 2016.
After graduation I was told by my father who wanted me to quit my job & work closer to home. I made plans to move away and he was verbally abusive threatening I was going to be shot or killed to where I moved to. Everything was fine after I moved, worked a 3rd shift job, moved to another place, friend screwed over, 3 months later I was forced to move back to my dad's.
With already paying rent to my father I was not receiving the utilities I was paying for, etc. In December there was a fight & I went homeless, a few days later I got a ride with only a bag of clothes & my phone. I was able to get to D.C then take a bus to VA.
Since I moved in with my Aunt I have had a few tiny binge problems, less stress, and no suicidal thoughts. But I have triggering memories of abuse or fear that cause problems in a work place or at home.
Making Friends/Hanging out: I have had no real best friend for years, just friends that sometimes use you, or don't understand your autism. It's hard to stay connected to the friends that are far away and I just end up not talking to them. When I try to make a friend or ask to hang out I always say something awkward or try my best to be normal and not talk about my autism.. How can I fix this?
Relationships: I used to date girls back when I was in Middle & High school, but I given up. I don't give enough attention, or when I do, it goes to sex, & they are not really clean or I say something.., or I back out. Like I want to do it, but I don't know whats stopping me.
Urges of Violence, something..: Since I lived in a rough living environment, I don't know how to control my thoughts, even when I am dreaming I wake up in fear because I remember the physical and verbal abuse. A few weeks ago I was in the restroom, and napped off, I immediately woke up and wanted to punch something or have a 2nd thought of fighting back my past. I try not to self harm or cut myself since I work 2 jobs and no one needs that. I have tried rubber bands, vaping (Aunt is allergic and has Asama), and smoking helps, but not healthy. I see smoking as a way of relief of my pain, but not a permanent fix.
Talking: When it comes to talking sometimes I mumble or can't pronounce peoples names and they take offense to that. I can't remember what it is called, but when I get really shy or nervous around other people or even at a job site I get overwhelmed and have a mental break down.
Emotions: I can't control my emotions when it comes to a normal conversation or when I feel really stressed I have tears come down to my face. I am always asked if I am okay, etc. Even if I am corrected by a manager and I start to cry and I don't know why, it's because of stress, but I don't know if there is a explanation for this or how to even explain it.
Money: Everyone loves money, but I spend it all within a few days. I have started of yesterday to freeze all my debit cards but one, so I can save money on the rest. I am limiting up to $40 of food per check. I have tried keeping up with charts but laziness gets to me and I don't know how to even try to do stuff. It's like a long list & the last thing you need is a extra chore on top of everything else.
Laziness: I don't know, I can only do things without being told while the house is empty, when it isn't I always have fear, something is always going to happen even though it doesn't. I have a problem with keeping the kitchen clean, but mostly my room. When I clean it I don't remember where anything goes, and end up losing things. I have tried to use labels, buy more furniture, etc.
There is more I want to add to this list but I don't have all the thoughts yet. It was recommended I see a therapist, but with no money for that and having fears of certain things, I don't know if I want to add that to the list. I had past classmates who seen therapist & were given meds and it really screwed their lives over having a few set backs. I don't want to become that.
I would like to give a heads up that I may mistype, or have a miss-spell and may not see it.
So around 2008 at the age of 11 my father had cheated on my mother, stole money from her, etc. I was taken away from my mother but with custody, etc.
When I had moved I had a binge problem that caused weight gain, stress and fear. My dad's gf (Whom will be related as N) N had some anger issues. My sister who is normal doesn't have autism, but my brother who younger has a bit of a severe type of autism. Anyways N would swear hateful words, verbally abuse, and sometimes physically harm, or put us in a dangerous situation. N who also has a daughter named J learned these behaviors from her mother. So my world was hell. My binge was caused by separation, fear of abuse, cutting because of depression, etc. This was experienced within the first few years of living with another family. Finally N was tired of me and moved out.
She was fed up with the ******** I brought upon her, once she moved out, I didn't have issues, no binge problems, nothing.
Until a few months later she moved in, but this time we moved in to a new house where my problems had reconquered.
During this time I was in a special autism program that helped with my special needs and anger problems. I was able to attend mainsteam classes in 6th grade & was able to graduate the year of 2016.
After graduation I was told by my father who wanted me to quit my job & work closer to home. I made plans to move away and he was verbally abusive threatening I was going to be shot or killed to where I moved to. Everything was fine after I moved, worked a 3rd shift job, moved to another place, friend screwed over, 3 months later I was forced to move back to my dad's.
With already paying rent to my father I was not receiving the utilities I was paying for, etc. In December there was a fight & I went homeless, a few days later I got a ride with only a bag of clothes & my phone. I was able to get to D.C then take a bus to VA.
Since I moved in with my Aunt I have had a few tiny binge problems, less stress, and no suicidal thoughts. But I have triggering memories of abuse or fear that cause problems in a work place or at home.
Making Friends/Hanging out: I have had no real best friend for years, just friends that sometimes use you, or don't understand your autism. It's hard to stay connected to the friends that are far away and I just end up not talking to them. When I try to make a friend or ask to hang out I always say something awkward or try my best to be normal and not talk about my autism.. How can I fix this?
Relationships: I used to date girls back when I was in Middle & High school, but I given up. I don't give enough attention, or when I do, it goes to sex, & they are not really clean or I say something.., or I back out. Like I want to do it, but I don't know whats stopping me.
Urges of Violence, something..: Since I lived in a rough living environment, I don't know how to control my thoughts, even when I am dreaming I wake up in fear because I remember the physical and verbal abuse. A few weeks ago I was in the restroom, and napped off, I immediately woke up and wanted to punch something or have a 2nd thought of fighting back my past. I try not to self harm or cut myself since I work 2 jobs and no one needs that. I have tried rubber bands, vaping (Aunt is allergic and has Asama), and smoking helps, but not healthy. I see smoking as a way of relief of my pain, but not a permanent fix.
Talking: When it comes to talking sometimes I mumble or can't pronounce peoples names and they take offense to that. I can't remember what it is called, but when I get really shy or nervous around other people or even at a job site I get overwhelmed and have a mental break down.
Emotions: I can't control my emotions when it comes to a normal conversation or when I feel really stressed I have tears come down to my face. I am always asked if I am okay, etc. Even if I am corrected by a manager and I start to cry and I don't know why, it's because of stress, but I don't know if there is a explanation for this or how to even explain it.
Money: Everyone loves money, but I spend it all within a few days. I have started of yesterday to freeze all my debit cards but one, so I can save money on the rest. I am limiting up to $40 of food per check. I have tried keeping up with charts but laziness gets to me and I don't know how to even try to do stuff. It's like a long list & the last thing you need is a extra chore on top of everything else.
Laziness: I don't know, I can only do things without being told while the house is empty, when it isn't I always have fear, something is always going to happen even though it doesn't. I have a problem with keeping the kitchen clean, but mostly my room. When I clean it I don't remember where anything goes, and end up losing things. I have tried to use labels, buy more furniture, etc.
There is more I want to add to this list but I don't have all the thoughts yet. It was recommended I see a therapist, but with no money for that and having fears of certain things, I don't know if I want to add that to the list. I had past classmates who seen therapist & were given meds and it really screwed their lives over having a few set backs. I don't want to become that.
