Questions for Aspies

[OkRad]

Hello Aspies!

I have aut nos and PDD so it's a bit different but I had an aspie friend who confuses me and maybe you can help clarify.

It is what everyone else says who comes on here. he was a very close friend at one time. Phone call 5 hours a day, blah blah.........

He let me stay at his place when I had no where to go. Always helpful and offering food, etc.

After accident, if I email him, it is like 5 days till he replies.

When I lived with him, he responds to his other friends immediately.

Let me say he is still in fake mode and kind of wonder if he has aspergers but not really looking into it. But he is straight up aspie. He is so rigid in his schdule I was not allowed to talk to him before work. After work, collapose on couch with 2 glasses wine (literally measures), him clexa and ambien.

Weekends spent on couch, never moving. There is an indentation on the couch.

But always promises-----we will do that next weekened. Not today. can't now.....

All windows blocked off from the sun.

When I knew him, he had no friends so he clung to me. When he got on clexa he got a few friends, but very narrow existence. He is "nice" but does not like people much.

So, anyway, we were close in all that nightmare, but now he seems to not know I exist. Here are a few questions I have if anyone could answer as many as they see fit or want!

1. Is this aspie Outof Sight Out of Mind?
2. I cannot undersand non verbal but he will never discuss it. If I try he gets VERY anxious and says NO NO! I ca't do this now!!!! So I can never ask.
3. Next email, in about two weeks, will be all "SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU! I was so worried! How can I help???" etc. He pours it on thick when he responds. Why does he do this when I could say I am bleeding to death and have no response for weeks.
4. What happens to Aspies who fake NT all their life and then retire? Do they collapse in burnout or regain life?

My only thoughts are that he is spending a lot more time working on passing as NT to the friends he has from work who he emails and texts all the time. He is trying so hard to pass as NT. He is not even like he was when I met him.

THANK YOU, Aspie friends!

 

[Judge]

My only thoughts are that he is spending a lot more time working on passing as NT to the friends he has from work who he emails and texts all the time. He is trying so hard to pass as NT. He is not even like he was when I met him.

Reminds me of a saying. "You just named your own poison".

From my perspective, I can only tell you that masking (faking NT behavior) is mentally and emotionally exhausting.

If your friend is so focused on it all the time, he probably has nothing left to give to anyone- including you when he's not in the company of NTs. Rather than just be himself, he just pushes you away. Often requiring solitude to recover from all that masking.

 

[xudo]

I can only tell you that masking (faking NT behavior) is mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Hear, hear.

 

[Full Steam]

Reminds me of a saying. "You just named your own poison".

From my perspective, I can only tell you that masking (faking NT behavior) is mentally and emotionally exhausting.

If your friend is so focused on it all the time, he probably has nothing left to give to anyone- including you when he's not in the company of NTs. Rather than just be himself, he just pushes you away. Often requiring solitude to recover from all that masking.

^this.

Plus I'm very,very poor at maintaining distance contact, and that includes with close family and friends.

I may then feel bad the next time I see them and want to make up for what I see as an innate weakness of mine.

I've tried to over come this, but I never manage to keep contact going for more than a few weeks.

That may seem like blowing hot and cold, but it's not, as my feelings for that person never change, I'm just struggling with the here and now, and absent friends are too much for my brain to process.

 

[OkRad]

^this.

Plus I'm very,very poor at maintaining distance contact, and that includes with close family and friends.

I may then feel bad the next time I see them and want to make up for what I see as an innate weakness of mine.

I've tried to over come this, but I never manage to keep contact going for more than a few weeks.

That may seem like blowing hot and cold, but it's not, as my feelings for that person never change, I'm just struggling with the here and now, and absent friends are too much for my brain to process.

Thank you, Steam. This was VERY helpful! I am glad to know that it is most likely his feeling are not angry etc., but that the people who are in his immediate field are taking up his mental energies.

He gets very exhausted but does not know he has Aspergers. His friend was dxed and told him he has it, but he laughed like, "Oh, yeah, maybe a tad."

I thought I had a "tad" of it, too. It bothers me how much a tad can turn into a HUGE FREAKING MOUNTAIN of autism once something happens or burnout hits.

I will try to be a good friend if that happens to him. He has alluded to suicide on occasion. But now he has a good life, rich, money, house, fine wine, Prius, etc......

 

[Full Steam]

That's funny because I was the same. Maybe small dash of spectrum, but no more than that.

Once you understand the traits and start applying them to yourself, the world changes.

There's power in the knowing though - I'm systematically modifying my life to make me more happy and productive.

 

[OFelixCulpa]

You are right not to just blame him or be angry with him. He is probably dealing with a lot personally and feels like he can barely keep his head above water.

I'm sorry to say it, but what that means for you is that you're probably losing your friendship. I know from experience how painful it is to lose a close friend like that. I have had so few friends despite working harder at it than anyone I know that the loss was doubly painful.

It sounds like you are dealing with it really well, though. You don't seem (as much as I can tell from your post) angry or depressed at all. That's really really great.

 

[OkRad]

You are right not to just blame him or be angry with him. He is probably dealing with a lot personally and feels like he can barely keep his head above water.

I'm sorry to say it, but what that means for you is that you're probably losing your friendship. I know from experience how painful it is to lose a close friend like that. I have had so few friends despite working harder at it than anyone I know that the loss was doubly painful.

It sounds like you are dealing with it really well, though. You don't seem (as much as I can tell from your post) angry or depressed at all. That's really really great.

Thank you , Felix! It was depressing fro a while because I was confused, but as Steam said it is probably not that the friendship has to be over. He does retain friends but as Steam said, it takes all his energy to keep those in his closest field of vision. So those of us that are not near are still there, but not as much effort. He does this with family, too.

When I was part of his daily routine by calling every day (three hours a day on phone!) then it was different, but I do not want that again. it was exhausting.

So this is better and a lot of people here really clarified. It is not that he is kicking me out, it is just that he has other friends taking that effort.

I am glad I can understand better. It helps me feel less frustration and more compassion

 

[Uhura]

"I will try to be a good friend if that happens to him. He has alluded to suicide on occasion. But now he has a good life, rich, money, house, fine wine, Prius, etc......" You can be poor and not depressed and rich and be depressed. Depression doesn't always depend on life and what you have.


I agree with how everyone here is talking about how exhausting things can be.

 

[hudz]

Let him go into his cave. Short answer, there's no other way to change him. Slowly, but surely he will opened that blind and let the sunshine in. Be patience, is all that he needed from you, seriously.