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Putting on a mask

DogwoodTree said:
So do you see your masks as expressions of parts of you?

I'm reading a book my therapist recommended, The Gift of Being Yourself, by David Benner. Here's a quote:



I'm wondering if part of what that is saying, and what you were saying, is that the masks are just as much a part of us as the inner core, or the emotions, or the thoughts, or any of it. In whatever ways we manifest ourselves...that is us.

My masks are a manifestation of something in me that is, truly, me. Even though it might not be the core of me...it does exist because of something that I value and a process in which I've engaged.

For example, there's a lady at church I don't particularly like. Nothing wrong with her--she's not evil. I just don't like her. So I've struggled...to be authentic, should I avoid her and not encourage interaction at all? But I'm a nice person--I AM a nice person--and to give someone the cold shoulder is no better an expression of my true self than pretending I like her when I don't. So it seems like the manifestation of me that is nice to her without being overly friendly (even though she's the kind of person who, if you give an inch she'll take a mile, so her reaction is either fully on or fully off) is not really an act at all, even though I don't like her much, because I am a nice, respectful, friendly person...to everyone...not just to people that I like.
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I see my masks as expressions of my true self, yes. I learnt at an early age how to create my internal 'heroes', how I didn't need the complete 'me' in most situations. This reduced my stress levels to interactions I needed to have. Obviously, as I aged my masks changed to accommodate new scenarios or incorporate new responses.

It is quite nice to revisit some I no longer use and to see how they tempered the world as I saw it.
 
Harrison54 said:
I see my masks as expressions of my true self, yes. I learnt at an early age how to create my internal 'heroes', how I didn't need the complete 'me' in most situations. This reduced my stress levels to interactions I needed to have. Obviously, as I aged my masks changed to accommodate new scenarios or incorporate new responses.

It is quite nice to revisit some I no longer use and to see how they tempered the world as I saw it.
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Intriguing...okay. Must contemplate. :)

Thanks :yum:
 
Harrison54 said:
I see my masks as expressions of my true self, yes. I learnt at an early age how to create my internal 'heroes', how I didn't need the complete 'me' in most situations. This reduced my stress levels to interactions I needed to have. Obviously, as I aged my masks changed to accommodate new scenarios or incorporate new responses.

It is quite nice to revisit some I no longer use and to see how they tempered the world as I saw it.
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Harris Can you remember some of your masks the early years are a bit of a blur for me I know I retooled and rebuilt many times, but it's a little hard to separate now. there was the hostile hermit, the book worm, the wall flower, the owl pretending to sleep while watching the mice play, maybe then the cat who plays only when he feels like it claws sheathed but ready, now I'm the stupid happy dog who meets everyone at the gate, Sigh! what can you do it's what they want. I still struggle with things, and have my bad days but sometimes now I feel like a eagle flying above the NTs and now I choose the way things go. I don't know how to parse this, my moral code forbids manipulating others totally, but I also feel obligated to make others happy, if there is any reasonable way to do so. A catch 22 play to them them you make them happy:) be honest and make you make them cry :cryingcat:, hail Mary's to say either way :rolleyes: I guess I took a paragraph to say what you said Harris :p: It's a silly game we have to play.:rolleyes: Sigh!
 
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hm.. I guess I wear a mask opposite of the NT one, I usually show no or little emotion(maybe this is the spock one? o_O)
 
The Penguin said:
Yes and it took me a long time to get good at it. Having my learning disability, made it hard to understand how to socialize with people. As I get older, I understood better how to do it. The thing is, despite I'm doing well with it and connecting with people at networking events, I feel it's very fake. Why? Well, cause I don't connect with the norm, I feel the need to so people are willing to talk to me. I feel I can't have a conversation with people about Lego since this is outside the norm. Using that word norm, I hate that word. This is the penguin definition of the norm.

Norm: A person that's not original and need to follow what everyone else is doing.

Maybe I could have word it better but I hope some of you may get the point I'm trying to say?
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Well, Penguin, I empathize with you! It took me a long time & a different culture to make me realize what I was up against! But these people were so Utterly Different (read East is East & West is west & never the twain shall meet)
from what I was used to The Mask was just stripped away! I could Not do it anymore, at least under those particular circumstances...
I guess this experience was particularly hard on me because I had been so isolated in childhood in addition to the AS which I didn't know I had at that point. BUT it has always been very difficult for me to accept hypocrites & ostentation, & this crowd Epitomized both!
The same goes for 'normal' socializing that is Faux, like people asking 'How do you do?'- do you REALLY think they want to know?? My sister, who feels the same as I do, used to reply 'Functioning Normally, thank you!'
A lot of socializing goes like that & is nonsensical to me, also rather a waste of time.... But this is precisely what is considered to be Proper Behavior! No wonder I was never popular!
 
Sorry for my ignorance, I've never really thought much about all this before I started researching it a few weeks ago when they told me my son may be on the spectrum, Aspergers. Would becoming like whoever you hang around with, but not really realizing it, but later seeing it, and not feeling like you know who you are, would that be like masking? I seem to take on maybe subconsciously, the ways of those I'm around. I really don't know who I am, if that makes sense...it seems I've always been taught how to act as well as what to do, even what to say at times. My mom is good at that, lol.
I believe I'm an Aspie, by the tests I've taken online such as the Ritvo, and the AQ, and AspieQuiz, always, ALWAYS had social problems, as well as feeling like I've never fit in anywhere. Still don't. Not even in my own family. Few friends, and almost impossible to have relationships that last. I've just never "thought" about this stuff, and am having a bit of trouble understanding the masking in women. I'm not great with words, hope this is understandable, lol. Thanks!
 
I had no Idea about Aspergers Till recently but I went through a lot of stages i could not understand at the time

When I was younger than 12 I don't think I had really an understanding that I really needed to learn how to fit in I was bullied in elementary school and didn't think that would ever change

when I was 12 I moved to a new place and made friends with local kids at that time I was very quiet, I was doing a lot of watching how others interacted and was known as the quiet shy kid, but somehow it worked

From age 15 till 23 I did socialize a lot better went to parties and was able to have many conversations but it was kind of like I had to prepare I had to know how I will respond to this and that and would have these conversations but kind of like I was running a program when changes took place unexpected I would respond with what seemed right at the moment

But then later or whenever I could get alone time I would need to review my conversations to understand who said what and what intention was meant. It was like I could not process any of the conversations when they were happening but I could only act it out and process it later

I never could understand this I have always sensed that others did not have to do this but I could understand why I was different

This got somewhat better over the years But I also have changes in my life where I don't need to interact as much except with family and clients
 
I have a hard time remembering details like that. I'm 55 now, and forever had trouble with relationships.
 
DesertRose said:
I have a hard time remembering details like that. I'm 55 now, and forever had trouble with relationships.
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I am 45 ,I remember a lot now, because I did not really know much about autism but my youngest is considered LFA, took a long time going through the process of getting diagnosed but then my wife was telling me my oldest son might be on the spectrum and I did so much research and finally it hit me I have it too

This revelation was after much research taking online tests and just hitting me that nothing was as perfect a fit as this

However, the effect has been flashbacks reliving so much of my life with a new perspective and just making some type of sense of what I have been through and why

I'm still getting flashbacks as I go through this forum and I think I have not completely processed as of yet
 
My son, (adopted biological grandson)was "semi" diagnosed, not formally, so I started researching all this. Wow, my youngest probably was on the spectrum, and I didn't know. Shes doing great now! Then I got to thinking about all the family members that possibly were on the spectrum. There's several on one side of my family, from aunts, uncles, to some of their great grandchildren who are diagnosed. It explains a lot in my lifetime. But now at my age, my kids are grown, they have kids, so, if it was or is autism, there's nothing I can do now, and I've managed to make it through life this far. The only thing now, it's that it's a relief that now I understand maybe the reason some things went as they did, and now I can help my young son to get along better in his life. His dx sure explains some of the problems he's had. He's doing great tho. We've home schooled him from day one. That was the best we could have done for him. I owe it all to the Lord.
 
What would a party look (and sound) like if all attendees were aspies? I just got that visual image in my head as I read every post here.
 
I need to wear a mask when I socialize, but it needs to be a mask that isn't duplicitous. If I am in a situation where I need to be inauthentic I simply excuse myself. Professionally, this has caused me to lose friends, quit jobs, and get passed up for promotions, but my reputation has always been sterling among my coworkers and personal network.

My only friend (I choose my friends carefully, and it takes me years to open up to someone) understands that I wear masks, but only to express myself on the other person's terms. Otherwise I tend to express myself through actions and unambiguously short sentences.
 
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In real time,( face to face) experience has shown parts of who I am to be unacceptable. Rejectable by others.

It’s been consistent over many years.

I can observe and mimic some of the behaviours of those I suppose are acceptable.

‘Method acting’ my way through life thus far has worn me out.
It’s difficult to keep up.

Masks?
I have many.
So many I barely know who I am anymore.
 
DesertRose said:
Wish you could print that out, or send a video....that would be cool.
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What would be cool about it? Just curious as to what your thoughts are on it. From what I am reading in collective aspie forum threads, A good amount of us might be standing around alone, silent, anxious, with oddly diverse facial expressions, and body language.
 
Mary Anne said:
What would be cool about it? Just curious as to what your thoughts are on it. From what I am reading in collective aspie forum threads, A good amount of us might be standing around alone, silent, anxious, with oddly diverse facial expressions, and body language.
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Cool if you could print it out that others could see what you were thinking, is what I meant. I'm new at this, and I didn't mean to offend. I think interests pictures, but since I've not knowingly been around any Aspies, I can't picture it. Myself, I'd be hiding in a corner shaking, wanting to go home, or if i knew someone, probably making stupid jokes and giggling with them, then go home and cry because it was so nerve wracking just being there trying to act right. ??
 
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