It's not like it's coming from nowhere.
I've talked about my uncle and aunt before and how they sort of Kickstart my PTSD. And I've talked about being bullied at school and my aunt constantly hazing me with a belt (remember: she was like 70 and had a brain tumor, and I remember hearing the kind she had would get worse with age so there could have been a mental side to the beatings; she used to not stop and I remember the worst she did to me lasted at least 2 minutes.) This caused me to develop a very, VERY strong belief in fighting oppression; studies with parenting and autism, as I've found, have shown that spanking/belting can make things WORSE on a child.
This was a big part of my childhood and it happened constantly, and not even by my own family alone. If I wasn't getting beaten at home it was happening at school, by the bullies, though actually being beaten at school was rare, it still happened and that combined with how often it happened at my uncle and aunt's home just made the total amount of time it happened seem like it went on for my whole childhood. The constant authoritarian discipline methods combined with a condescending, controlling attitude towards me did not help; and even though they were aware of my autism they always saw it as some excuse I made up for one of my little habits or even if it was a stim method. They always thought that none of the autistic stuff was "real" or they would just get confused by it. And even if I wasn't getting in trouble for existence itself, it would be because of someone's thought process toward my autism or just simply not knowing why this guy with a Sony PSP playing SEGA Genesis games sitting next to them is fuming at annoying boss battle.
If it wasn't the above it was always something else.
Fast forward to present day and now I'm seeing echoes of the past. Despite my mother and stepdad's vast differences from Winslow and Dorothy, I can still see reminders of what my past was like and it's become an everyday thing. I'm feeling exactly like I did when I was a teenager; trapped, feeling alone, autistic struggles being shrugged away or unappreciated, forced to conform to authoritarian standards as common discipline. The only difference is no school.
I have nowhere to go to move to but Maddog and Co. Insist on sending me to a mental hospital like Cherry in Goldsboro, and every time I read the reviews about one of those places I am ALWAYS seeing stories about parents and family calling their loved ones there to check on them, then being told they "weren't feeling well" and being hung up on (this happened to me and my mother. I was in the background shouting to her "they're lying, I'm okay, they just don't want me to use the phone!!" Then they forced me to take medicine that made me feel like crap.), or forced to pay some amount of cash for some reason as a "bill" or some such. Mental hospitals do NOT WORK FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE. THEY MAKE THINGS WORSE ON THEM. A MENTAL PATIENT WITH A TRACK RECORD OF FIGHTING FOR FUN IS NOT GOING TO BE SOMETHING AN AUTISTIC PERSON IS EVER GOING TO BE PREPARED FOR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PREPARE FOR IT WHEN THE OTHER PATENT WON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE. THOSE DOCTORS DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF DISABILITY A PERSON HAS. THEY JUST WANT MONEY.
I really hope *somebody* sees this.
But yeah. I think it's chronic PTSD. And my autism is really severe, a unique case.
What do I do about this?
I've talked about my uncle and aunt before and how they sort of Kickstart my PTSD. And I've talked about being bullied at school and my aunt constantly hazing me with a belt (remember: she was like 70 and had a brain tumor, and I remember hearing the kind she had would get worse with age so there could have been a mental side to the beatings; she used to not stop and I remember the worst she did to me lasted at least 2 minutes.) This caused me to develop a very, VERY strong belief in fighting oppression; studies with parenting and autism, as I've found, have shown that spanking/belting can make things WORSE on a child.
This was a big part of my childhood and it happened constantly, and not even by my own family alone. If I wasn't getting beaten at home it was happening at school, by the bullies, though actually being beaten at school was rare, it still happened and that combined with how often it happened at my uncle and aunt's home just made the total amount of time it happened seem like it went on for my whole childhood. The constant authoritarian discipline methods combined with a condescending, controlling attitude towards me did not help; and even though they were aware of my autism they always saw it as some excuse I made up for one of my little habits or even if it was a stim method. They always thought that none of the autistic stuff was "real" or they would just get confused by it. And even if I wasn't getting in trouble for existence itself, it would be because of someone's thought process toward my autism or just simply not knowing why this guy with a Sony PSP playing SEGA Genesis games sitting next to them is fuming at annoying boss battle.
If it wasn't the above it was always something else.
Fast forward to present day and now I'm seeing echoes of the past. Despite my mother and stepdad's vast differences from Winslow and Dorothy, I can still see reminders of what my past was like and it's become an everyday thing. I'm feeling exactly like I did when I was a teenager; trapped, feeling alone, autistic struggles being shrugged away or unappreciated, forced to conform to authoritarian standards as common discipline. The only difference is no school.
I have nowhere to go to move to but Maddog and Co. Insist on sending me to a mental hospital like Cherry in Goldsboro, and every time I read the reviews about one of those places I am ALWAYS seeing stories about parents and family calling their loved ones there to check on them, then being told they "weren't feeling well" and being hung up on (this happened to me and my mother. I was in the background shouting to her "they're lying, I'm okay, they just don't want me to use the phone!!" Then they forced me to take medicine that made me feel like crap.), or forced to pay some amount of cash for some reason as a "bill" or some such. Mental hospitals do NOT WORK FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE. THEY MAKE THINGS WORSE ON THEM. A MENTAL PATIENT WITH A TRACK RECORD OF FIGHTING FOR FUN IS NOT GOING TO BE SOMETHING AN AUTISTIC PERSON IS EVER GOING TO BE PREPARED FOR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PREPARE FOR IT WHEN THE OTHER PATENT WON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE. THOSE DOCTORS DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF DISABILITY A PERSON HAS. THEY JUST WANT MONEY.
I really hope *somebody* sees this.
But yeah. I think it's chronic PTSD. And my autism is really severe, a unique case.
What do I do about this?