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*Possible Trigger Warning* I think I know why I constantly think about suicide during meltdowns

UberScout

Please Don't Be Mad At Me 02/09/1996
V.I.P Member
It's not like it's coming from nowhere.

I've talked about my uncle and aunt before and how they sort of Kickstart my PTSD. And I've talked about being bullied at school and my aunt constantly hazing me with a belt (remember: she was like 70 and had a brain tumor, and I remember hearing the kind she had would get worse with age so there could have been a mental side to the beatings; she used to not stop and I remember the worst she did to me lasted at least 2 minutes.) This caused me to develop a very, VERY strong belief in fighting oppression; studies with parenting and autism, as I've found, have shown that spanking/belting can make things WORSE on a child.

This was a big part of my childhood and it happened constantly, and not even by my own family alone. If I wasn't getting beaten at home it was happening at school, by the bullies, though actually being beaten at school was rare, it still happened and that combined with how often it happened at my uncle and aunt's home just made the total amount of time it happened seem like it went on for my whole childhood. The constant authoritarian discipline methods combined with a condescending, controlling attitude towards me did not help; and even though they were aware of my autism they always saw it as some excuse I made up for one of my little habits or even if it was a stim method. They always thought that none of the autistic stuff was "real" or they would just get confused by it. And even if I wasn't getting in trouble for existence itself, it would be because of someone's thought process toward my autism or just simply not knowing why this guy with a Sony PSP playing SEGA Genesis games sitting next to them is fuming at annoying boss battle.

If it wasn't the above it was always something else.


Fast forward to present day and now I'm seeing echoes of the past. Despite my mother and stepdad's vast differences from Winslow and Dorothy, I can still see reminders of what my past was like and it's become an everyday thing. I'm feeling exactly like I did when I was a teenager; trapped, feeling alone, autistic struggles being shrugged away or unappreciated, forced to conform to authoritarian standards as common discipline. The only difference is no school.


I have nowhere to go to move to but Maddog and Co. Insist on sending me to a mental hospital like Cherry in Goldsboro, and every time I read the reviews about one of those places I am ALWAYS seeing stories about parents and family calling their loved ones there to check on them, then being told they "weren't feeling well" and being hung up on (this happened to me and my mother. I was in the background shouting to her "they're lying, I'm okay, they just don't want me to use the phone!!" Then they forced me to take medicine that made me feel like crap.), or forced to pay some amount of cash for some reason as a "bill" or some such. Mental hospitals do NOT WORK FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE. THEY MAKE THINGS WORSE ON THEM. A MENTAL PATIENT WITH A TRACK RECORD OF FIGHTING FOR FUN IS NOT GOING TO BE SOMETHING AN AUTISTIC PERSON IS EVER GOING TO BE PREPARED FOR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PREPARE FOR IT WHEN THE OTHER PATENT WON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE. THOSE DOCTORS DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF DISABILITY A PERSON HAS. THEY JUST WANT MONEY.


I really hope *somebody* sees this.


But yeah. I think it's chronic PTSD. And my autism is really severe, a unique case.


What do I do about this?
 

Slime_Punk

Contaminating the hive mind
V.I.P Member
For everyone who I've ever known in similar situations, making self-harm threats or attempts has always made their situation 1,00% worse. I understand the need to get it out in the open if that's the way you feel, but as you've said, hospitals don't play around; get sent to a bad one and you might have a really difficult time ever getting out or really getting the care you need. Times have changed over the past few years, but they can still be pretty brutal.

Honestly, I think the system is basically set up to make people think twice about using those resources - or unfortunately, to follow through with their threats so nobody has to pick up the slack. It's almost never in anyone's best interest to end up in a hospital, whether that's as obvious as it sounds or not.

You can always seek professional help on your own free will, which might do something to help. Also, if it's possible for you to live independently, you might find it easier to heal from old wounds while you're not living with past abusers (if any of this applies). Being continually abused would be another great reason to move out, live with a friend for a while or do anything in your power to take back control over your own life if you can. Personally I'd rather live in a gutter or alley than with an abuser.

Best of luck. I hope things get better for you.
 
Last edited:

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
V.I.P Member
@UberScout,

I’m not sure if this is available to you, but especially if you are not in crisis, you may be able to partake in a partial hospitalization program. These involve living at home, but spending most of your days in the hospital engaged in programs and therapy and that sort of thing.

Of course, if you are in crisis and on the verge of making a plan or taking action towards suicide, it may be more a situation of getting sent to a hospital. On the flipside, if you are stable enough, you can choose to participate in hospital programs or even outpatient therapy.

PTSD from childhood trauma leaves deep scars and your experience with Maddog is just scratching at those scars, opening them up again. Anything you can do to get safety from him seems important. The first step toward dealing with trauma can be finding safety. From here, you can learn more about how your mind works and where your strengths are.

It can be difficult to see your own strength when you are in a crisis situation, but you have already survived so much and so, it is definitely there.
 

Misery

Photo-Negative
V.I.P Member
I'm gonna sorta second what @Rodafina said.

Thing is, being forcefully sent to a hospital/whatever is one thing, but SEEKING ONE OUT is a very different beast. It's the difference between being locked in a room "for your own safety", VS having a normal professional experience with a licensed person via appointments, or other types of programs. That idea can be very useful, but unlike the forceful option you have to go out seeking it and do some research.

It could be worth trying, at least. At the very least, maybe do some research. After all, just researching and maybe asking around a bit doesnt mean you have to commit to anything. You also have to be willing to accept that it may take more than one try... even when you're dealing with people who are good at their job, each is good at different things and every patient's situation will vary wildly, so those skills VS experiences can combine in ways that may or may not work (this is exactly why you always hear the advice "get a second opinion" when it comes to medical stuff). Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find that therapist whose skillset fits your needs.

I think it's worth exploring, though. And the process of exploring it is gonna at least give that feeling of DOING something. The #1 thing NOT to do is to just take all this sitting down. Dont just accept that these things keep coming to you. Get the heck up, and stand up to these things by finding options and taking steps towards those options.

I mean, you can ask us for advice whenever you want of course, but we can only advise... one way or another YOU have to get up and do something, whatever that something may be.

Also I'd suggest looking for small things you can do too. Just everyday little things that act as mood boosters. Going for a walk and getting some sun, for instance. Little things like that may not seem like much, but they add up over time and will make it that much easier for you to have the energy to go seeking a REAL solution.

That's just my thoughts on it though.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Great that you did the dirty work of examining what triggers you to think, what the hill, just why me?

That took some serious thought process to step out of the emotional, and to look at it like a coding program. I like this new you. It's very encouraging that people are less likely to push your buttons if you don't give them **that button to push**

I had a screaming cook who demoralized everybody he hated including me. One day as he was on his screaming tirade directed to me, l just asked him, why don't you scream a little louder. Everybody stopped and stared at him. Nobody ever called him on his abusive behavior to his face. He was shocked too.
 

Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
Talking, planning, trying, doing, learning, walking... Many things to do. Just dont give up.

Most PTSD people whose trauma comes from home start recovery when they move out of their homes. You have many examples on this forum.

If taking control of your life is your goal, the next step is Planning and moving towards that goal. What thing can you do to get closer to that goal?

Setting a life goal is very important. Without goals life can become like walking in circles.

I wish you the best.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
It's okay to discuss here. We always are always here to be supportive just as long as you remember to go for help if you need too.
 

SusanLR

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I really like the change I've seen in you through time here.
There is a sensation of strength and doing for yourself emerging.
Realizing these things about yourself shows good understanding.
Keep doing and searching for more things that help you.
We're cheering you on!

Maybe Aloe has been very good for you. It gives you a soothing, calming
sense of meditation. That's when you connect with self.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
@UberScout , in many of your posts I see someone who is like me in some ways. I seek to escape and so do you but we are both hampered but the lack of funds to do so.
But freeing our mind has no price. It costs nothing to let go of thoughts that hold us back. To not live in fear, but to live in freedom in our thoughts makes it harder for those to attempt to control us.
 

maycontainthunder

May also contain missing cakes.
V.I.P Member
But freeing our mind has no price. It costs nothing to let go of thoughts that hold us back. To not live in fear, but to live in freedom in our thoughts makes it harder for those to attempt to control us.
Very true but freedom of thought is often strangled by others. Some mean it others don't know that they are doing it. Triggering memories are something that lurk in many of our minds and these are really hard to escape. Triggering environments, especially at home, are just as hard to escape.

Many of us crave a moron-free environment that we control. Sadly that may need a lottery win for most to achieve.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Very true but freedom of thought is often strangled by others. Some mean it others don't know that they are doing it. Triggering memories are something that lurk in many of our minds and these are really hard to escape. Triggering environments, especially at home, are just as hard to escape.

Many of us crave a moron-free environment that we control. Sadly that may need a lottery win for most to achieve.
But freedom of thought DOES NOT DEPEND ON OTHERS, it only depends on me.

Surprise, it ONLY depends on ME.
Goodbye trolls.
 

Gift2humanity

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It's not like it's coming from nowhere.

I've talked about my uncle and aunt before and how they sort of Kickstart my PTSD. And I've talked about being bullied at school and my aunt constantly hazing me with a belt (remember: she was like 70 and had a brain tumor, and I remember hearing the kind she had would get worse with age so there could have been a mental side to the beatings; she used to not stop and I remember the worst she did to me lasted at least 2 minutes.) This caused me to develop a very, VERY strong belief in fighting oppression; studies with parenting and autism, as I've found, have shown that spanking/belting can make things WORSE on a child.

This was a big part of my childhood and it happened constantly, and not even by my own family alone. If I wasn't getting beaten at home it was happening at school, by the bullies, though actually being beaten at school was rare, it still happened and that combined with how often it happened at my uncle and aunt's home just made the total amount of time it happened seem like it went on for my whole childhood. The constant authoritarian discipline methods combined with a condescending, controlling attitude towards me did not help; and even though they were aware of my autism they always saw it as some excuse I made up for one of my little habits or even if it was a stim method. They always thought that none of the autistic stuff was "real" or they would just get confused by it. And even if I wasn't getting in trouble for existence itself, it would be because of someone's thought process toward my autism or just simply not knowing why this guy with a Sony PSP playing SEGA Genesis games sitting next to them is fuming at annoying boss battle.

If it wasn't the above it was always something else.


Fast forward to present day and now I'm seeing echoes of the past. Despite my mother and stepdad's vast differences from Winslow and Dorothy, I can still see reminders of what my past was like and it's become an everyday thing. I'm feeling exactly like I did when I was a teenager; trapped, feeling alone, autistic struggles being shrugged away or unappreciated, forced to conform to authoritarian standards as common discipline. The only difference is no school.


I have nowhere to go to move to but Maddog and Co. Insist on sending me to a mental hospital like Cherry in Goldsboro, and every time I read the reviews about one of those places I am ALWAYS seeing stories about parents and family calling their loved ones there to check on them, then being told they "weren't feeling well" and being hung up on (this happened to me and my mother. I was in the background shouting to her "they're lying, I'm okay, they just don't want me to use the phone!!" Then they forced me to take medicine that made me feel like crap.), or forced to pay some amount of cash for some reason as a "bill" or some such. Mental hospitals do NOT WORK FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE. THEY MAKE THINGS WORSE ON THEM. A MENTAL PATIENT WITH A TRACK RECORD OF FIGHTING FOR FUN IS NOT GOING TO BE SOMETHING AN AUTISTIC PERSON IS EVER GOING TO BE PREPARED FOR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PREPARE FOR IT WHEN THE OTHER PATENT WON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE. THOSE DOCTORS DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF DISABILITY A PERSON HAS. THEY JUST WANT MONEY.


I really hope *somebody* sees this.


But yeah. I think it's chronic PTSD. And my autism is really severe, a unique case.


What do I do about this?
I saw it, and I am listening.
Here is my penny's worth.

It’s great when we realise something that has puzzled us about emotions.

This is going to sound harsh, you were abused, brain tumour or not.

You felt pain inflicted on you, full stop, and that is traumatic.

Being bullied at home and at school is double trouble, as, for some abused kids, school must have been an escape from home abuse, or if an autistic kid was bullied at school and not home, then, they would have had one safe place.

Yes, abuse does not exactly help an autistic kid.

Even if you weren’t beaten much at school, there was still the non physical bullying which is as traumatic.

Authoritarian discipline methods combined with a condescending, controlling attitude towards me did not help, of course not.

I was treated bad at home and school, but no one knew I was autistic, not even me.

A doctor told my mum I wasn’t when she took me, at 9 months old, because I was “Different” to her other kids.

I have no time for people who don’t take the time to understand various challenges kids have.

I used to call my brother misery guts, not knowing he was bipolar, as he was not diagnosed until 50+. Some of us were ignorant and bigoted back in the 70's and 80's.

With these sorts, we cannot do right for doing wrong.

You will see echoes of the past, you need healing, and that takes time, and mirroring from a reliable trusted witness who can validate you.

Move away from those who don’t accept your autism.

I was ejected from a group, not because of my autism, but I think one of the members, a bloke I had thing with, had feelings for me, and he doesn’t like looking at feelings, so must have felt uncomfortable with me there, he hinted enough for me to stop coming out to coffee 3 times a week, but those coffees got me out after several years of isolation due to stress induced depression, so I was unwilling to back off, until he turned another member against me, now I treat them with indifference, even though I still have residual feelings for the bloke who ejected me, he’s not right for me.

Don’t conform, it doesn’t work, be yourself.

Don’t go to places that remind you of your past, instead, see a therapist who you can build up a rapport with.

If that is not possible, look on YouTube as there are plenty videos from the likes of Dr Gabor Mate, Dr Bessel Van der Kolk, Peter Levine, and anyone else who resonates with you.

They resonate with me, they might not with you, but there will be people who do, experts in the field.

A couple of years ago, I joined veilofreality.com, again, that might not resonate with you, it does with me, and what is uncanny, is that Bernhard Guenther, the site owner, plus Laura Matsue, his wife, mention the names of other people who resonated with me, long before I discovered veilofreality.com.

This might be controversial, I respect the wishes of those who want to take psych meds, I just don’t agree with them. Big Pharma created them to make money.

There is no scientific evidence to say mental illness is a chemical imbalance, the chemical imbalance is caused by cortisol, a stress hormone, secreted by traumatised people under stress, and this chemical messes up the rest of the brain, but no one talks about that, except for the likes of Bernhard Guenther or Jerry Marsinsky, a mental health professional who has 35 years experience in the field, and, as he started off mainstream, tried to deny to himself what he discovered, until he could deny no more.

Again, look at these people on YouTube, and if they resonate, great, if they don’t, there are plenty of others who share content for free, which is beneficial.

Mental hospitals, in my opinion don’t even work for mentally ill people.

Drugs are not the same as unearthing trauma and healing it.

Drugs mask symptoms, whether from doctor or dealer, they mask symptoms, apart from careful use of psychedelics, preferably in some formal ritual setting, even if done alone, like me.

Mental hospitals might work for people who took too much drugs and got psychotic, like me.

I was given minimal meds, and just allowed to relax in there, with my own room, fellow patients to engage with if I wanted, drawing, singing, and I wrote out my psychosis, I wish I had kept it, as I talked about hand held electronic devices even before I knew what an ipad was back in 2008.

The type of staff who scold mentally ill people are in it for the wrong reasons.

To be fair, I was not diagnosed when I went in a mental hospital.

Yeah I got grief from one patient but he was sorry, and I accidentally upset a lady, but we made up when I made a card especially for her to say sorry.
 

Gift2humanity

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
For everyone who I've ever known in similar situations, making self-harm threats or attempts has always made their situation 1,00% worse. I understand the need to get it out in the open if that's the way you feel, but as you've said, hospitals don't play around; get sent to a bad one and you might have a really difficult time ever getting out or really getting the care you need. Times have changed over the past few years, but they can still be pretty brutal.

Honestly, I think the system is basically set up to make people think twice about using those resources - or unfortunately, to follow through with their threats so nobody has to pick up the slack. It's almost never in anyone's best interest to end up in a hospital, whether that's as obvious as it sounds or not.

You can always seek professional help on your own free will, which might do something to help. Also, if it's possible for you to live independently, you might find it easier to heal from old wounds while you're not living with past abusers (if any of this applies). Being continually abused would be another great reason to move out, live with a friend for a while or do anything in your power to take back control over your own life if you can. Personally I'd rather live in a gutter or alley than with an abuser.

Best of luck. I hope things get better for you.
I find I am my own bully, I live alone, I did not exercise diligence when I bought this flat, was not in a good headspace, and now the consequences of that are here, every morning when I wake up, I feel bullied by myself for what is to come, as a consequence of the mistakes I made.
I fear being turfed out and being forced to go back with my aubsers, not happening.
This fear manifests as me bullying myself with problems I know about as soon as I wake up. So, in essence I am my own abuser now.
 

Gift2humanity

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Very true but freedom of thought is often strangled by others. Some mean it others don't know that they are doing it. Triggering memories are something that lurk in many of our minds and these are really hard to escape. Triggering environments, especially at home, are just as hard to escape.

Many of us crave a moron-free environment that we control. Sadly that may need a lottery win for most to achieve.
Maybe forget lottery wins, and just find "A place" a room, that is away from the original abusers.
 

maycontainthunder

May also contain missing cakes.
V.I.P Member
But freedom of thought DOES NOT DEPEND ON OTHERS, it only depends on me.

Surprise, it ONLY depends on ME.
Goodbye trolls.
Fair point but I doubt I am alone in getting targeted by others for thinking differently. This is why I am quiet most of the time, it has long been my way of masking. The problem is that then I got targeted for being quiet. In my mind I am constantly running into the barriers that others forced upon me. So you see, even in my own mind I am trapped.

In this life many of us never seem to find that winning streak we need to escape.
 

Owliet

The Hidden One.
V.I.P Member
It's not like it's coming from nowhere.

I've talked about my uncle and aunt before and how they sort of Kickstart my PTSD. And I've talked about being bullied at school and my aunt constantly hazing me with a belt (remember: she was like 70 and had a brain tumor, and I remember hearing the kind she had would get worse with age so there could have been a mental side to the beatings; she used to not stop and I remember the worst she did to me lasted at least 2 minutes.) This caused me to develop a very, VERY strong belief in fighting oppression; studies with parenting and autism, as I've found, have shown that spanking/belting can make things WORSE on a child.

This was a big part of my childhood and it happened constantly, and not even by my own family alone. If I wasn't getting beaten at home it was happening at school, by the bullies, though actually being beaten at school was rare, it still happened and that combined with how often it happened at my uncle and aunt's home just made the total amount of time it happened seem like it went on for my whole childhood. The constant authoritarian discipline methods combined with a condescending, controlling attitude towards me did not help; and even though they were aware of my autism they always saw it as some excuse I made up for one of my little habits or even if it was a stim method. They always thought that none of the autistic stuff was "real" or they would just get confused by it. And even if I wasn't getting in trouble for existence itself, it would be because of someone's thought process toward my autism or just simply not knowing why this guy with a Sony PSP playing SEGA Genesis games sitting next to them is fuming at annoying boss battle.

If it wasn't the above it was always something else.


Fast forward to present day and now I'm seeing echoes of the past. Despite my mother and stepdad's vast differences from Winslow and Dorothy, I can still see reminders of what my past was like and it's become an everyday thing. I'm feeling exactly like I did when I was a teenager; trapped, feeling alone, autistic struggles being shrugged away or unappreciated, forced to conform to authoritarian standards as common discipline. The only difference is no school.


I have nowhere to go to move to but Maddog and Co. Insist on sending me to a mental hospital like Cherry in Goldsboro, and every time I read the reviews about one of those places I am ALWAYS seeing stories about parents and family calling their loved ones there to check on them, then being told they "weren't feeling well" and being hung up on (this happened to me and my mother. I was in the background shouting to her "they're lying, I'm okay, they just don't want me to use the phone!!" Then they forced me to take medicine that made me feel like crap.), or forced to pay some amount of cash for some reason as a "bill" or some such. Mental hospitals do NOT WORK FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE. THEY MAKE THINGS WORSE ON THEM. A MENTAL PATIENT WITH A TRACK RECORD OF FIGHTING FOR FUN IS NOT GOING TO BE SOMETHING AN AUTISTIC PERSON IS EVER GOING TO BE PREPARED FOR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PREPARE FOR IT WHEN THE OTHER PATENT WON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE. THOSE DOCTORS DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF DISABILITY A PERSON HAS. THEY JUST WANT MONEY.


I really hope *somebody* sees this.


But yeah. I think it's chronic PTSD. And my autism is really severe, a unique case.


What do I do about this?
Agree with @Rodafina and @Misery : maybe you can check out a program to walk into and see if you can get support from that.

Seems like you’ve been dealing with this s***** situation for years and haven’t received any support that could help you in this situation. All the adults around you have failed you. Your aunt attacking you, Maddog (I am assuming is your dad?) attacking you. And blaming you for your ASD. What do they think would happen, that by punishing you to rid the evil out that you’d be cured or something? Where is your mom When Maddog is beating you? Does she support this abuse? Does your sister also have the same abuse?

Next time he attacks you, put in a police report. Get him sent somewhere. If there are programs around or methods to gain support as an adult (because you’re 26 according to your profile) see if you can have access.

I also agree with @Atrapa Almas . Start making plans to get out. If there’s additional support, make sure that you use that too. Attacking you without reason, what happens if one day Maddog goes too far and kills you?

Really sorry that you are in this situation.
Fair point but I doubt I am alone in getting targeted by others for thinking differently. This is why I am quiet most of the time, it has long been my way of masking. The problem is that then I got targeted for being quiet. In my mind I am constantly running into the barriers that others forced upon me. So you see, even in my own mind I am trapped.

In this life many of us never seem to find that winning streak we need to escape.
People will always go against those who are different from them. If you are not the ”normal” and like everyone else, if you display anything that is different from the normal, then you are subjected to being a target. You see this also in chimpanzees. I got targeted in school for being different. For not liking the same things. For being quiet. For not showing an interest in guys (ha, now I see why) and for having different interests. It’s how you respond to it that matters.
 

Respectful Rev

New Member
It's not like it's coming from nowhere.

I've talked about my uncle and aunt before and how they sort of Kickstart my PTSD. And I've talked about being bullied at school and my aunt constantly hazing me with a belt (remember: she was like 70 and had a brain tumor, and I remember hearing the kind she had would get worse with age so there could have been a mental side to the beatings; she used to not stop and I remember the worst she did to me lasted at least 2 minutes.) This caused me to develop a very, VERY strong belief in fighting oppression; studies with parenting and autism, as I've found, have shown that spanking/belting can make things WORSE on a child.

This was a big part of my childhood and it happened constantly, and not even by my own family alone. If I wasn't getting beaten at home it was happening at school, by the bullies, though actually being beaten at school was rare, it still happened and that combined with how often it happened at my uncle and aunt's home just made the total amount of time it happened seem like it went on for my whole childhood. The constant authoritarian discipline methods combined with a condescending, controlling attitude towards me did not help; and even though they were aware of my autism they always saw it as some excuse I made up for one of my little habits or even if it was a stim method. They always thought that none of the autistic stuff was "real" or they would just get confused by it. And even if I wasn't getting in trouble for existence itself, it would be because of someone's thought process toward my autism or just simply not knowing why this guy with a Sony PSP playing SEGA Genesis games sitting next to them is fuming at annoying boss battle.

If it wasn't the above it was always something else.


Fast forward to present day and now I'm seeing echoes of the past. Despite my mother and stepdad's vast differences from Winslow and Dorothy, I can still see reminders of what my past was like and it's become an everyday thing. I'm feeling exactly like I did when I was a teenager; trapped, feeling alone, autistic struggles being shrugged away or unappreciated, forced to conform to authoritarian standards as common discipline. The only difference is no school.


I have nowhere to go to move to but Maddog and Co. Insist on sending me to a mental hospital like Cherry in Goldsboro, and every time I read the reviews about one of those places I am ALWAYS seeing stories about parents and family calling their loved ones there to check on them, then being told they "weren't feeling well" and being hung up on (this happened to me and my mother. I was in the background shouting to her "they're lying, I'm okay, they just don't want me to use the phone!!" Then they forced me to take medicine that made me feel like crap.), or forced to pay some amount of cash for some reason as a "bill" or some such. Mental hospitals do NOT WORK FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE. THEY MAKE THINGS WORSE ON THEM. A MENTAL PATIENT WITH A TRACK RECORD OF FIGHTING FOR FUN IS NOT GOING TO BE SOMETHING AN AUTISTIC PERSON IS EVER GOING TO BE PREPARED FOR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PREPARE FOR IT WHEN THE OTHER PATENT WON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE. THOSE DOCTORS DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF DISABILITY A PERSON HAS. THEY JUST WANT MONEY.


I really hope *somebody* sees this.


But yeah. I think it's chronic PTSD. And my autism is really severe, a unique case.


What do I do about this?
Hi UberScout,
I really relate to what you wrote, about being victimized and developing a strong sense of suspicion, even rebellion against authoritarianism. And then you feel you lose your mind sometimes, you experience what seems like "mental health issues" but it's not something that your typical, for-profit healthcare system will be able (or willing) to help with. All stuff I deal with, or have dealt with in the past (I'm not bullied and abused anymore, thank merciful god !!!!!). I have my own way to deal with all that, through my work as a documentary filmmaker using my camera as a weapon against injustice, exercizing a lot to keep my strength and sanity. I feel like on balance, there's more strength than weakness in our lot. I should say in "my" lot since that's really what I know, "my" lot, right? Anyways, I'd be glad to continue this conversation.
 

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