Possible Asperger's?

[pizzaholic]

Hello,

I am a 31 year old male who is now considering the likelihood of undiagnosed Asperger's and what that might mean for my life going forward. I am very cautious, however, to diagnose myself with something like this. I have had several therapists (as well as inpatient hospital stays) over the years and Asperger's was only ever brought up in passing on one occasion. I can present rather typical (with a lot of effort) and so it's not surprising that no serious consideration was ever made. Also, as I understand it, Asperger's is rarely diagnosed well into adulthood (at least here in the United States). I'm posting here because I'd like to share some of my experiences to see if they are relatable in any way. Maybe this will give me a better indication of whether I have Asperger's or not.

Here have been/are some of my experiences:

• I would describe myself as thin-skinned and easily upset. As much as I don't like to admit this, I know that this is true. I'm quite sensitive to criticism of any kind and avoid conflict like the plague.
  
• I tend not to display emotion. If I'm angry, happy, sad, or anything in between, others may not know it. I've been told on a few different occasions that I'm difficult to read. Being overly expressive of emotion, for some reason, makes me feel weak/vulnerable.
  
• I am easily overwhelmed by social situations/extremely self-conscious. I spent a great deal of time to myself growing up for this reason. It was evident that I was socially phobic but I never felt that it fully explained what was going on. Small/scripted talk is a conscious effort for me as I really need time to think about what to say and how to say it. This can make for awkward social encounters when I feel compelled to respond quickly. Very bad for phone calls. Just as talk is a conscious effort, so are non-verbals such as eye contact (cannot think and look someone in the eye at the same time), posture, gait, and appearance in general. I feel as though there's just too much information to process.
  
• I can be paranoid about how others perceive me. It can be a challenge for me to determine someone's intentions and so I am on constant guard.
• I form few attachments and am generally disinterested in social engagement. I have no group I would call friends and I am distant with my family. The only attachments I do form are serious, romantic ones but even still I can be highly irritable around partners both past and present (though they would not know).
  
• I don't have many interests. When I was young, I would spend most of my free time parked in front of a TV or computer screen playing video games. Now I don't have quite as much time but I still would rather play video games than most other things.
• I am bound by routine. Sudden changes in plans or expectations upset me. I even choose the same foods when I go grocery shopping. My wardrobe can be limited. Variety and change are not for me.
• I am a perfectionist. If I can't do something right the first time, I will get frustrated and stop. It took me hours to write this post.
• I am sensitive to light and sound. An example of this might be going out to see a movie where I may experience panic symptoms and feel as though I need to escape. Content of the film may cause me severe discomfort as well. Another example is that the sound of push brooms and writing on chalk boards is disturbing and gives me chills.
  
• I exhibited some odd thoughts/behaviors as a child. For example, I would have to say "excuse me" to myself several times in a row for no apparent reason. I would often talk to myself, again for no discernible reason.
  
• My professional life has been negatively impacted. I was limiting myself to menial jobs for many years so that I could minimize interaction with people and associated stressors. I felt as though I had to keep things simple for me to handle, up until about 3 years ago. I now work in nonprofit mental health which of course is full of social interaction and plenty stressful at times. I am now taking on extra responsibilities/projects and doubt my ability to lead. I just don't know what I'm doing, to be honest.
• I like to think I'm empathetic but sometimes I'm not so sure. I often do things out of obligation, such as visiting family. I can help others in my work but I feel detached and don't really think about them when the day is over. I suppose I am mostly self-absorbed, trying to manage my own fears.
• I can be very irritable to the point of rage. It can be quirks from others or simply displays of emotion that can trigger this. Again, there will be no indication from me that it in fact bothers me.
• My father is a bit peculiar in his humor and mannerisms. I can't say I've met anyone else like him. I share some of his traits, though I never spent that much time around him as a kid or adolescent. It makes me wonder if there has always been more to my story than Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. He comes from a rural background and he's not the type to share something that personal anyways, if he were to have some kind of difficulties.
• Though some of my anxieties from my earlier years have ebbed, some have persisted, and others grown more intense as I can no longer keep to myself so much. There have been times during the past 5 years where I was suicidal and it put me in the hospital. These events were brought on by dread of simply living and concern for quality of life ahead.

I realize that I've already written quite a bit and I could probably go on but I think this conveys my experiences well enough. Thank you for reading and any information is helpful.

-pizzaholic

 

[Brent]

Just wanted to say welcome

 

[Gritches]

Hello, pizzaholic. I'm an Aspie that works at a non-profit that helps other Aspies, and from what you described it definitely sounds like you have AS. Welcome to the club.

If you want advice on what to do about it, either post here or PM me. The process of getting a diagnosis is indeed difficult as an adult, so I highly recommend taking advantage of that offer. Again, welcome, hope to hear from you soon.

 

[Judge]

Definitely a possibility, pizzaholic.

You've come to the right place to explore such a quest. Welcome to AC.

 

[NeoPhile]

Hello, pizzaholic. Welcome to our side of the internet!
You are right to be cautious about thinking you have Aspergers. It's hard to diagnose, and I don't trust self-diagnosis. Seek out a psychiatrist if you want a diagnosis. Psychiatry has helped aspies a lot. Many times, adults are diagnosed with Aspergers. I was diagnosed at age 27. Aspergers tends to be diagnosed later in life. at the lower-functioning level, parents tend to take notice if their child is three years old and has yet to say his first word; so that tends to be diagnosed earlier. Seek out a diagnosis if you think you are on the spectrum.

 

[pizzaholic]

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

I am frustrated that something like this could be missed, given the evaluations and number of counselors I've had since high school. I'm not surprised because to survive I've had to mask this but I'm sad to know this late, if it is indeed Asperger's. I did have a few psychiatrists too. I guess none of the right questions were asked? Or perhaps some professionals believe it is overdiagnosed?

Gritches, I'm definitely interested in what this process would involve, particularly after having had a psychologist evaluate me after a number of tests (a few years back) and only showing Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, which I already knew anyways. I was told that I scored above average in paranoid traits but that was it. It could be a factor that I'm not always best at verbalizing what I've experienced and so things get missed. Just takes too long to sufficiently describe and clinicians tend to be eager to move quickly through assessments, or at least that's been my experience.

I always thought that consistent exposure would be enough to combat my symptoms but I suppose that may not be the case here, which makes sense. It may be time to really consider this.

 

[toothless]

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

I am frustrated that something like this could be missed, given the evaluations and number of counselors I've had since high school. I'm not surprised because to survive I've had to mask this but I'm sad to know this late, if it is indeed Asperger's. I did have a few psychiatrists too. I guess none of the right questions were asked? Or perhaps some professionals believe it is overdiagnosed?

Gritches, I'm definitely interested in what this process would involve, particularly after having had a psychologist evaluate me after a number of tests (a few years back) and only showing Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, which I already knew anyways. I was told that I scored above average in paranoid traits but that was it. It could be a factor that I'm not always best at verbalizing what I've experienced and so things get missed. Just takes too long to sufficiently describe and clinicians tend to be eager to move quickly through assessments, or at least that's been my experience.

I always thought that consistent exposure would be enough to combat my symptoms but I suppose that may not be the case here, which makes sense. It may be time to really consider this.

hi pizzaholic,welcome to AC!
you do sound like your spectrumy/on the spectrum-you sound just like a support staff of mine who is also from a not for profit mental health/other disability org to-i knew he was an aspie instantly;he is currently diagnosed with OCD only but he is obvious to me;he didnt notice it until i told him, but i am not sure if you would get an asperger equivilent diagnosis in the USA as there still has to be quite a high level of dysfunction in your current life, in the UK you can still get diagnosed with 'aspergers'.

you should write down a lot of your developmental history,and your current life issues that relate to autism and perhaps write a week/two week diary of your daily life,this is all good proof for the pyschologists you see,but you need to make sure whoever you see is experienced in assessing adults with HFA otherwise your wasting your time.

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AC, you will like it here.

Getting diagnosed in the US is not easy. In 2013 the DSM-5 went in to effect. Under this new criteria, "Asperger's Syndrome" does not exist. Under the new guidelines, someone with AS would probably be diagnosed with "Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level One". If you could get a diagnosis at all. I believe that is harder to get a diagnosis under the new guidelines for reasons other than the patients wellbeing. All most anywhere else in the world, you can still get diagnosed with AS.

 

[Judge]

Definitely a possibility, pizzaholic.

Me? Pizza most every Sunday. A creature of habit and routine.

You've come to the right place to explore such a quest. Welcome to AC.

 

[tree]

 

[Southern Discomfort]

What really matters is the early years stuff. How you developed as a child. That's what doctors look into with people they suspect are on the autism spectrum. You've listed a lot of what affects you now and not so much on what you were like as a child. What they're looking for is the kids who are the loners or are considered odd. Those who have a deep interest in certain things or are fixated on routine. Mental health does play a role because it tells the doctor that this person has a cause of their suffering, particularly with depression and anxiety which could be centred around not being able to fit in or they can't deal with the constant changes they are faced with.

If you have access to records from doctors or schools, have a read of them because they'll tell you more than any one of us can.

 

[Nitro]

 

[pizzaholic]

hi pizzaholic,welcome to AC!
you do sound like your spectrumy/on the spectrum-you sound just like a support staff of mine who is also from a not for profit mental health/other disability org to-i knew he was an aspie instantly;he is currently diagnosed with OCD only but he is obvious to me;he didnt notice it until i told him, but i am not sure if you would get an asperger equivilent diagnosis in the USA as there still has to be quite a high level of dysfunction in your current life, in the UK you can still get diagnosed with 'aspergers'.

you should write down a lot of your developmental history,and your current life issues that relate to autism and perhaps write a week/two week diary of your daily life,this is all good proof for the pyschologists you see,but you need to make sure whoever you see is experienced in assessing adults with HFA otherwise your wasting your time.

Thanks for sharing this. I wonder how many of my colleagues suspect the same for me but have been afraid to bring it up. I will start writing down my daily experiences and take them to my counselor, although I'm unsure if she is qualified to make a determination of AS either way.

I'd say that there is a high level of dysfunction. Enough to land me in the hospital several times in recent years. I have great difficulty planning my future as so much is dependent on networking (terrifying) and desire/drive (lacking) to get ahead. I honestly can't see a year down the road. To prevent another crisis and hospital stay, I'm restricted to managing the present.

Welcome to AC, you will like it here.

Getting diagnosed in the US is not easy. In 2013 the DSM-5 went in to effect. Under this new criteria, "Asperger's Syndrome" does not exist. Under the new guidelines, someone with AS would probably be diagnosed with "Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level One". If you could get a diagnosis at all. I believe that is harder to get a diagnosis under the new guidelines for reasons other than the patients wellbeing. All most anywhere else in the world, you can still get diagnosed with AS.

One might argue that the entire MH system in the US exists for reasons other than the patient's well-being. I was once told by a counselor that there's no money in prevention (such programs are grant funded), which is why hospitals continually cycle people through. If there were not such a vast supply of people in crises, many professionals in the field would not have jobs.

What really matters is the early years stuff. How you developed as a child. That's what doctors look into with people they suspect are on the autism spectrum. You've listed a lot of what affects you now and not so much on what you were like as a child. What they're looking for is the kids who are the loners or are considered odd. Those who have a deep interest in certain things or are fixated on routine. Mental health does play a role because it tells the doctor that this person has a cause of their suffering, particularly with depression and anxiety which could be centred around not being able to fit in or they can't deal with the constant changes they are faced with.

If you have access to records from doctors or schools, have a read of them because they'll tell you more than any one of us can.

I wish I had records from when I was a child to help in a determination. All records for me didn't begin until my first therapist during my senior year in high school where I was first diagnosed with mood/anxiety disorders.

That leaves my parents to come up with something but they wouldn't have known what to look for. All they saw was a generally well-behaved kid that excelled academically and enjoyed video games, with maybe the exception of me having spent copious amounts of time to myself. I do recall having trouble adjusting to a new school in 5th grade and my mother was concerned enough to ask the school for help (as I would stand in the corner of a fenced area during recess without interacting with others). It wasn't until high school that I began showing outward signs of distress to anyone.

 

[Katleya]

Hi pizzaholic,
Welcome!
I'm new here as well, and most of what you described sounds so much like me... so while I'm no authority, I'd add my voice to the chorus and encourage you to seek a diagnosis.
I've also had a hard time with therapists, although not in the US (my father came to Europe as a tourist and decided that it was better than New York, so I'm lucky-ish in terms of healthcare access, at least more than I would be back home). I've had a couple of therapists treat me for social anxiety, but they always failed to understand why that anxiety was. And like you I've been treated for major depression episodes, but to no avail. Another therapist adamantly pursued the road of schizophrenia, and had the hardest time understanding why treatment didn't work (maybe because that's not what I suffer from, duh), so I know how hard it can be trying to get better, or at least better adjusted, and not receiving the help you need.
I just got my official diagnosis a few days ago, and if that can help you make a decision, while I'm still overwhelmed, I do feel a lot more optimistic in the future, knowing that I'm not just a depressed lunatic, and that there is a much clearer answer now to the question "where do we go from here?".
So, I wish you luck in your quest, and hope you can find the right doctor for a diagnosis.

 

[Streetwise]

@pizzaholic