People inviting other people

[Pats]

Are people okay with someone inviting someone else along that they don't know?

Both my sisters were always bad about having me come visit or doing a sister weekend and decide, while we're out shopping or whatever, to stop by a friend's house that only she knows. Then I'm uncomfortably sitting there frozen to the couch. We'd plan a trip and they'd add someone else they knew (that I didn't) into the mix. I'd decide I wasn't going.
Actually maybe that's why they would never tell me ahead of time - knowing I wouldn't come?
Even not knowing about the autism, my sister's always knew I was not comfortable and didn't like being around people I don't know. And being a friend of my sister's does not automatically make them a friend of mine.

But it's always bothered me when I would be somewhere and they'd have someone else join us that I didn't know. Like I'd go to spend the night with my cousin and she would have her neighbor friend come over, too. Then I'd end up quiet and sitting alone somewhere. If someone invites you over - you just don't add a stranger to the mix. Are other people okay with this? I mean, are there people out there that would respond - "Sure, bring them along."?

 

[Judge]

Are people okay with someone inviting someone else along that they don't know?

No, not really. My cousin does this periodically without even asking me.

Even if I tried to explain it to her she'd ignore me on such things anyways.

Having to deal with a complete stranger is stressful enough, but it also cuts into the fun of doing something with someone you're quite familiar with. It amounts to "rocking the boat" socially that likely doesn't sit well with most of us on the spectrum.

 

[Ken S.]

If i was in this situation just 15 years ago it wouldn't bother me in the least. These days I would have to agree with you.

 

[BraidedPony]

I would not be OK with it! I admire people that can do that, just invite others to come with, at a moments notice!
I cant do it, but like you i try to make the best of it and then go home and sleep for two days and eat ice cream.
How can you say no when on the spot like that without looking like a total jerk?

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I would consider that very rude if I wasn't told in advance. Luckily no one has ever done that to me, I would be miserable!

 

[Mia]

Brought back a memory, older sis invited her then boyfriend to christmas celebrations at the family home, and it was only family including the grandparents. Now were talking about three consecutive days of church, masses two to four hours long each morning and midnight mass as well.

The boyfriend was not religious, he slouched about in bare feet, and slept on the floor and made oatmeal in my Mom's kitchen, while she was in the process of stuffing a turkey and organizing a meal for fourteen people. She was so annoyed that she had to leave the room quite often. Then, his ex wife and children came to our house to bring him a christmas present. They had driven four hours to do so during a snowstorm. So we invited them in. My father and mother were polite but really angry. No one said anything to my sister, as she never did anything wrong.

So that's an extreme example of people not telling you that things are going to happen at one of the few times of year that the family was together. I won't go into the armenian boyfriend (one of many boyfriends) that a younger sister brought home for the holidays, who got into a fist fight with my brother and father, after he hit my sister and stomped on all the presents under the christmas tree. Too many of those idiotic stories, about strangers.

 

[Pats]

Brought back a memory, older sis invited her then boyfriend to christmas celebrations at the family home, and it was only family including the grandparents. Now were talking about three consecutive days of church, masses two to four hours long each morning and midnight mass as well.

The boyfriend was not religious, he slouched about in bare feet, and slept on the floor and made oatmeal in my Mom's kitchen, while she was in the process of stuffing a turkey and organizing a meal for fourteen people. She was so annoyed that she had to leave the room quite often. Then, his ex wife and children came to our house to bring him a christmas present. They had driven four hours to do so during a snowstorm. So we invited them in. My father and mother were polite but really angry. No one said anything to my sister, as she never did anything wrong.

So that's an extreme example of people not telling you that things are going to happen at one of the few times of year that the family was together. I won't go into the armenian boyfriend (one of many boyfriends) that a younger sister brought home for the holidays, who got into a fist fight with my brother and father, after he hit my sister and stomped on all the presents under the christmas tree. Too many of those idiotic stories, about strangers.

There needs to be a Wow!! emoji thing.

 

[Progster]

No, I'm not ok with people doing that. My partner does this a lot. We would go out somewhere, just the two of us, then he would invite someone along. What happened was that he would talk to the other person all evening, while I sat on my own being ignored. I'd then get bored and want to go home early. I suppose he did this because I'm not a very good conversationalist and he found me boring. He is extrovert and I'm introvert. I'm more of a doing person than a sitting round talking sort of person. Another thing that happened was that we would go foraging, and he would invite someone along who I also know. I know the other person and agree to it (though I'd rather it was just the two of us). But then, when we meet up, the other guy has invited two more of his friends along, without telling us. My partner is ok with this, but I don't like it. He is perfectly happy to approach strangers, talk to them and invite them along even - I could never do this and just don't approach strangers like that.

 

[Misery]

I long ago devised a rather genius solution to this very issue:

I dont go out in the first place.

Why deal with random idiots when I could stay here with the dog?

 

[GadAbout]

I can't help thinking that one reason a sibling or close friend might do this is to make the outing more fun for them. The antidote is to discuss it at the time plans are made. It would sound like this:

"Will anybody else be coming along on this outing? Because I wouldn't care for that and I'd rather stay home."

Please don't feel bad about expressing your needs in regard to social situations. We are all different. You do not have to suffer in silence.

That story about bringing home a boyfriend at Christmas was just too much! Hopefully he did not marry into the family?

 

[Juliettaa]

Are people okay with someone inviting someone else along that they don't know?

No, I'm not okay with it. It's always really uncomfortable and awkward.

The last time it happened, I'd agreed to go out for a meal with three people I used to work with. It took me ages to psych myself up go along to that event; meeting three people was bad enough but when I turned up there were a further two people there who I didn't know (one woman had brought along her teenage daughter and another had brought her friend from her current workplace).

I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I couldn't eat what I'd ordered, just drank water and ended up completely withdrawing as I couldn't follow what they were all yakking on about. Pointless, inane chatter, all talking over each other, vying for attention.

It was years ago and I remember it like it happened yesterday.

I'd get more pleasure from watching paint dry than attending a social event like that

 

[Juliettaa]

@Mia - O. M. G. - what a complete nightmare that Christmas must've been

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'd get more pleasure from watching paint dry

What kind of paint?

 

[Juliettaa]

What kind of paint?

A nice calm eggshell.

Farrow and Ball, Ball Green, number 75 is a lovely peaceful colour with no adverse visual demands and zero verbal diarrhoea to contend with

 

[tlc]

My one friend would do something similar. He would want us to hang out more often. But every time I did, he would be on his phone most of the time with his buddies and I'd just be sitting there in his car wondering what to do. So I avoided doing anything with him for a long time.

 

[tlc]

A nice calm eggshell.

Farrow and Ball, Ball Green, number 75 is a lovely peaceful colour with no adverse visual demands and zero verbal diarrhoea to contend with

I was thinking acrylic paint, which might be dry before you're even get to the other side? Or brush on Rustoleum, which might not dry for days?

 

[Mia]

@Mia - O. M. G. - what a complete nightmare that Christmas must've been

Which one? The boyfriend with his ex showing up or the fist fight in the living room?

The guy didn't stand a chance, both my father and brother and myself all learned how to box at a young age. I didn't join in, but the boyfriend was thrown out. All because that sibling received a christmas gift from an ex boyfriend.

 

[Mia]

That story about bringing home a boyfriend at Christmas was just too much! Hopefully he did not marry into the family?

No, in fact he eventually left Canada, and moved back to his home country. Marrying a woman from his own country.

 

[Juliettaa]

Which one? The boyfriend with his ex showing up or the fist fight in the living room?

The boyfriend with his ex showing up for sheer awkwardness. feeling extreme discomfort in your own home.

The fist fight is also awful; different, shorter lived but still awful.

 

[Fino]

I have always hated this!!!