People being nice wrong - an unique problem/blessing

[Gritches]

I'm sort of facing a unique sort of problem, unique in that it's one I've never faced before:

At the place where I work, everyone knows I'm autistic. I don't really talk about it and neither do they (at least not directly to me), but it's the opposite of a secret at this point in time.

Thing is, I'm not getting the usual discrimination I would expect from people knowing that. It helps that I'm there because this employer is contracting with me for the purposes of promoting a neurodiverse workspace; it's not like I just snuck in under the radar or something. No, the fact that I am autistic was very much known, and that was very much the point.

But on that note, what I'm encountering instead of overt discrimination is what I reason to be good, well-meaning people who are genuinely trying their best to be accepting of me, but what that translates to is a lot of unintentional condescension for the most part. It's like people don't actually know what to do with me, so they just fall back on "being nice".

It ends up being counter-productive because I can't actually get the feedback I need from them because they're so concerned about just being nice and sparing my feelings at all costs. It ends up being even more difficult to navigate socially as my usual tricks don't work on someone who doesn't view me as a social equal (and I could say all day that they should consider me an equal; they don't, that's just the way it is and probably always will be).

What I really want to know is how you deal with this kind of thing in general. I've had bigger problems than people being nice to me, it's sort of a blessing actually, but it's a tricky situation because it would be easy to deal with if they were being mean, but they're not - they intend nothing but good (just take my word on that) and are simply being nice wrong.

How do I "correct" that without hurting anybody in any way? Because if I did hurt anyone's feelings in the slightest way, I would immediately be the bad guy in that scenario, leading to further complications.

Thank you

 

[LucyPurrs]

That is a conundrum.

Can you request a performance review saying you really appreciate the acceptance, kindness and support you've received but want to keep improving your work?

 

[Mia]

It ends up being counter-productive because I can't actually get the feedback I need from them because they're so concerned about just being nice and sparing my feelings at all costs. It ends up being even more difficult to navigate socially as my usual tricks don't work on someone who doesn't view me as a social equal (and I could say all day that they should consider me an equal; they don't, that's just the way it is and probably always will be).

This reminds me of a similar situation at uni. I had a prof who gave me A+'s on every paper I wrote. I was an older student and was good at assignments. They were well thought out, organized, correctly spelled and punctuated and typed.
But, I needed more feedback and criticism to improve, otherwise I wouldn't be learning anything and that was pointless. Something that I have to be, to be interested. Asked that he be more critical of my work. After that he was.

 

[Mary Anne]

Could you asked your closest coworkers if they would like to ask you anything about autism? This might get the conversations going. I am pretty sure they would love to know more about you. I am not suggesting that you are a poster child for autism. They just might have no clue what autism is in your daily life. They probably are too afraid to ask.

 

[Theta.G]

Once someone forms an opinion on you confirmation bias will kick in and anything you do that's seen as wrong or inadequate will reinforce their false beliefs. "Oh, it must be an autist thing" To get them to change the way they think about you, you would have to drastically change any behavior which would lead them to false reasoning. for 1 - 2 months...
(Which is odd isn't it since most of these people go off of what others say and don't find out on their own how someone really is)

example

Say jim moved in with someone named Sally. In the first week he didn't unpack most of things so sally assumed he is lazy. At this point he is screwed because now anything Jim does not do around the house, will be branded as lazy. (Sally comes home and sees the cat food bowl empty. JIM FORGOT TO FILL IT!! LAZY!! say she got home around 7pm,long after the cat would have ate... she'd still blame jim even if he did fill it and the cat ate. Sally, devoid of logical reasoning) A week or two of doing all he can would not break this cycle it would take 1 - 2 months for Sally to finally realize... and get past that bias... "Oh, maybe Jim isn't lazy. Look at this giant mountain of evidence that's built up over time. walking the dog, doing yard work, cooking and the dishes daily. Fixing things around the house. Maybe i was actually wrong!"

It's a little more difficult in a work environment because then you have other socialites reinforcing their false beliefs.
Maybe Jim isn't so bad and he's just like us! (coworker finally starts to realize) Another chatty gossiper comes along and... Ya? You should have seen what he did yesterday! a normal person wouldn't do that. Or what about this? [ insert event]. Hey don't autists do school shootings?" Soon, that coworkers mind is sucked back in the dumpster. Back into conformity. Back into false beliefs.

Maybe if you got some more one on one time with a certain person it could help? They'll eventually see that you're more than capable, if you demonstrate it regularly in their presence. Tackling group think as a whole wouldn't quite work but over time on an individual level it should. That person would then be able to change the minds of other people they work with. Find common ground and what they relate to. If you're able to choose your shifts could find the ideal times for this.

In hindsight... lived a good example of this..
Back in high school everyone thought i was dangerous and unapproachable / evil. Lol. Until one day i went to a school event and saw a girl sitting all by herself for most of the night. Sat down and talked with her even though every shyness nerve was screaming. We became friends, and overtime she corrected their false beliefs and well... most perceptions changed. And all that change started with just 1 person and some courage.

 

[Tom]

I hear what you are saying about wishing to be treated as an equal. But I don't see that happening under the circumstances. It can't be both ways. And I would continue to be thankful for a supportive environment. Rather then make an issue out of it, that might be misunderstood, I would try and make improvements by watching, learning and doing. Maybe asking for pointers once in a while in a positive way. Actions speak louder then words and you may sway people by doing things.

 

[Voltaic]

To be treated as just another individual. in the end it doesn't matter if it is excessive kindness, or disrespect, it is still a constant barge of information that I am different and treated as such

 

[Progster]

Perhaps you could send out an email adressed to all people you have contact with to explain about your autism and how they can best help you?

 

[Thinx]

There's a great Ted talk by Stella Young where she challenges the use of images of disabled people in advertising and suggests that it fosters the idea people with disabilities are there to remind others how lucky they are and have achieved something just by being involved in everyday life. It is a bit edgy in that obviously there really are more barriers for those who are different but she's making the point that there's still a long way to go in actually lessening the barriers and the real environmental issues that disable people, from lack of ramps and lifts to assumptions that everyone has the same needs and physical and mental processes.

Maybe you can take it away from yourself by using some awareness raising materials?

and /or put up a big poster on your desk saying it's not about me it's about you! (Joking...)

 

[Juliettaa]

My suggestion would be to see if your employer would pay for your team (and you) to attend a Diversity/Disability Awareness Training session.

This would not be all about you and the issues you experience, but setting the training in broader terms. However, during the session the trainer could discuss your specific issues but keep them under the guise of not being about anyone particular. During this part of the session, the trainer could give people the opportunity to speak about scenarios they can think of.

This would give you the opportunity to present 'real life scenarious' without full exposure and give your colleagues the opportunity to think about their behaviour.

I know it's of no help to you Gritches, but I've been there. Not about me being autistic, but about being deaf. Awwww, poor little deaf woman. How wrong they were.

It's their ignorance, however well meaning. Try not to let it drag you down.

 

[Gracey]

Are you absolutely one hundred percent certain, without question, this is what’s happening at your work place and your colleagues aren’t just being genuinely ‘nice’

Our perception and judgement can get skewed based on our own knowledge or beliefs.
Do you have evidence?

It may well be that your colleagues are trying too hard?
If it’s a work place situation they too are encountering for the first time perhaps they’re not quite sure what to do either?
When in doubt, be nice?

Could you lead the way?
Can’t hang them for not knowing as much as we do.
I would suggest putting together some information to inform them but as the saying goes, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make the horse drink it”

If this situation isn’t urgent I can only think of working on something really tactful to bring up at your next PR.

If it’s something that’s really affecting your work day, talk to someone who can effect changes?