Passive aggressive accusations

[DoNotDisturb]

Hi, I'm wondering if anyone can throw some light on a situation I'm going through with a friend.

We've been talking online for quite a while now and we've always gotten on well, I think, but lately he's been taking virtually everything I say and twisting it around so it becomes a passive aggressive accusation against me.

He doesn't make accusations outright, but intimates I'm doing things which would obviously result in me being two-faced, or deliberately trolling him, or calling him a liar, when I mean nothing of the kind.

When I point out what he's doing, he blames his lack of social skills, which I was kind of trying to help him with, but it was quite difficult because I'm autistic too, so it's a bit like the blind leading the blind.

He's making me too scared to say anything, lest it be used against me, and frankly, I'm finding it quite hurtful.

I don't know if he's joking or serious, whether he's sick of me and doesn't want to be friends any more, or what?

Why might he be doing this and what can I do get our friendship back on track?

I'm feeling a bit hopeless.

 

[MrSpock]

Wild guess, he may be hurt and or angry at the world, or at someone else, and is using you to vent. It's possible that it's a sign that he trusts you and the strength of your friendship enough that he feels safe doing this with you but not with others, it could actually be a compliment of sorts. If he's been abused this could be the case. Of course I really don't know, you've not given much information. It is amazing to me how abuse can affect people and make them act in weird ways.

 

[DoNotDisturb]

Thank you, that's given me some hope, at least, that he may not actually hate me.
I don't know how to proceed, though, because his constant 'reading between the lines' is wearing me down.
I just want things to go back to the way they were before, but I don't know how to do that.

 

[WereBear]

I just want things to go back to the way they were before, but I don't know how to do that.

No one knows how to do that. Because things never go back to the way they were before.

When something changes, it changes everything else. Your friend needs to be told how he is making you feel, and then it is up to him to change it... or, sadly, not.

 

[Mia]

He's possibly in a bad place at the moment, depressed or going through a phase in which people have ulterior motives and he's become somewhat suspicious and/or paranoid. It may have nothing to do with you, even if it feels that way. Might be something going on with his family, or job, or school or friends and it's carried over into your friendship. A kind of perception that the world around him has gone into chaos, so everything that happens in it, is misinterpreted. It really depends on where you friend is now. Wait it out, no criticism, no teaching, no judgement, be a friend and listen.

 

[NeoPhile]

Ask him for clarification. "How am I calling you a liar?" "How am I being passive aggressive?" If you feel like you're not doing those things, then ask for clarification.

 

[DoNotDisturb]

Thanks for your replies.

I don't think it's all his fault. My male brain tends to view problems as things that need fixing, where in hindsight, he was probably looking for reassurance or to be told plainly that his social interaction isn't that bad, which it isn't.

Instead I was giving all kinds of suggestions which probably just frustrated him when I should have been a good friend and offered emotional support.

In all honesty, I don't know how to support someone emotionally. I have a history of being unable to maintain friendships and now it seems this one is lost too. It is actually one of the longest friendships I've had.

I feel upset and depressed at the situation, like I probably shouldn't seek friendship with anyone in the future.

If anyone here wants to be friends, too bad.