Parenting on the spectrum

[rache86]

Hi all,

Am putting some feelers out for people to speak to about being a parent and having Asperger's Syndrome.

My partner and I are considering having children, and I have a lot of anxieties about my ability to support and bring up kids as an adult with AS. It's very important to my partner who I love very much, so I want to make sure I am adequately prepared and can offer myself to the best of my ability.

I was wondering if anyone else out there has AS and is also a parent, and whether they would mind me asking a few questions about how they manage.

For example; I have quite severe noise sensitivities, and was wondering if anyone had any tips.

Thank you.

 

[photoaddict]

I have a 5 year old. He's not diagnosed yet, but definitely autistic, so we make a great pair sometimes. He has a loud vocal stim and I have trouble with noise. To some degree, I've learned to tune out the noise. As long as it's the same consistent sound, I'm able to ignore it. If the sound changes, I notice and start listening to see if he needs something.

For the most part, parenting isn't too hard, at least, not any harder than it is for others. I have enough solid coping mechanisms that I can deal with things that are overwhelming. Having a good support system in place helps, too. My mom watches him for an hour or so most days, so I can have some peace and quiet.

Parenting is hard work and takes a lot of adjustment, no matter what. NT parents will tell you the same. It's entirely unpredictable, even if you already have a kid. My aunt has 4 kids and each one is entirely different from the rest, so she had to relearn everything for each kid. The same was true for my parents. Even raising two autistic kids, my brother and I couldn't be more different. I was the "easy" kid and, let me tell you, I was not easy to parent.

 

[On the Inside]

I was diagnosed a I have a 9 year old, while he shows some signs of social detachment, he hasn't shown much in the way of AS symptoms.

I have enjoyed being a parent, especially when he was 2-5 years old.I think it was easy for me to inhabit his world then. As he's grown older and wiser, it has been a little more challenging. He's noticing my quietness, and I feel bad that I'm not as engaging in conversation with him. But I try to compensate for that by doing things with him that he enjoys. Building projects, drawing, playing catch and riding bikes are ways in which we are able to relate to each other without the need for constant conversation. And it helps that some of these are areas where I have a lot of personal experience and stories to tell.

I've been lucky, our son has been more into quiet play, and very interested in making things and learning about how things work, so noise issues haven't been too much of a problem. Funny thing is, I'm more tolerant of the noise when he is noisy than my partner.

One area of difficulty my partner and I have had is that she wishes we had had two or more kids. We were both in our 40's when we had our son, so it was lucky for us to have one, let alone have more. But to be honest, I don't think I would be able to handle more than one kid. I know it's not completely equivalent, but the times when I've had to take care of my son and one or more of his friends, it's been kind of stressful, and resulted in at least one meltdown for me. Not so good.

I worry about when he hits his teen years, and whether I'll be equipped to be there for him, supportive of his interests and goals if they differ from mine, or if he starts having significant difficulties. I don't have any hard and fast expectations of him, but I do want him to follow his interests and find his own success.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I have 4 kids, ages 4 to 13. I think it helped me that I didn't know about AS until after the youngest was already 3 (I just figured all this out a year ago). So all the stuff I struggled with, I figured it was just me being immature and I needed to buck up and deal with it like an adult. It was tough, but I did it.

And now that we're past the toddler stage with all of them, I find that I really like the kids (well, most of the time). They all have their own little quirks, and being quirky myself, I get to discover and treasure and explore their quirks with them.

When my 7-year-old has a meltdown because someone startled him when he was engrossed in a video...I get that, you know? I can sit with him and hold him and cover his ears and let him bury his face into my shoulder to cut out all the stimuli around us...and I can give him the space he needs to calm down...and I understand why he needs it...and it's okay. I don't think an NT parent would really understand on the same level. I know not to breathe on him in a way that would be irritating to him. I know without him telling me not to caress him...just hold him snugly and be very still...because that's what I would want in his place.

When my 13-year-old wants to take apart every electronic gadget she can get her hands on...I don't see it as madness, but genius at work. I treasure that about her.

But...you gotta get through the first few years. Those were the hardest for me. Well, the first year is sweet--I always enjoyed cuddling my babies once I figured out how to co-sleep. But from about 18 months to 5 years old...I'm counting down to the fun part! Then once they hit 5 and they start reading and the world opens up to them--that's when it gets fun again.

Plus...we have a big house with our own yard. So in cold weather if they're getting on my nerves...send them upstairs. In warm weather...send them outside, lol.

 

[Cerulean]

My partner and I are considering having children, and I have a lot of anxieties about my ability to support and bring up kids as an adult with AS. It's very important to my partner who I love very much, so I want to make sure I am adequately prepared and can offer myself to the best of my ability.

I'm in the same boat as you, and coincidentally also a Rache While I don't anticipate being able to get around the noise and stickiness of kids, I've found that reading everything I can find about parenting has helped reduce my anxiety, as I like to go into situations as prepared as possible- even though I know kids don't play by the rule book! If I'm reading something that makes me stressed though, I'll stop. No need to get all worked up about it.

 

[wyverary]

There are a lot of parents here, so you will be in good company. Welcome.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have a three year old and it's suspected I'm on the spectrum. I find infants to be much easier to handle than toddlers. Toddlers aren't impossible, but aren't a cakewalk either.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I have a 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter. My daily struggle to cope with full time parenting are what finally led me to my ASD self diagnosis in January this year.

I agree that infants are a relative walk in the park compared to uncooperative toddlers. Infants don't talk back, for a start.

In my case, to make it more difficult, my son has a high IQ but secretly we also suspect he is on the spectrum. My son did IQ testing at age 4 because we knew he was different (taught himself to read, reading independently by age 3) and thought it was ADHD. According to the psych it wasn't, it was just that he is exceptionally bright ("gifted" if you will). But with that GT territory comes behavioural challenges, especially to authority. My authority! My need to control my environment (and consequently my kids) is constantly being challenged and I find it so, so hard to cope with this. My 3 year old is now getting to that "naughty" stage (my son kind of skipped the "terrible twos" and became a "terrible preschooler") and the adoration I felt toward her is being changed into frustration at her (purely normal development) defiance.

Unfortunately, because my son is the way he is, he hasn't magically come through his early years and turned into someone I can enjoy activities with. Despite our being so similar in many ways, I can't seem to find it within myself to enjoy listening to him telling me about cricket/soccer stuff he's doing or about how many times he has beaten such and such on Super Smash Bros, etc.

I have always needed time for myself to be alone, to mentally escape from people, etc. healing time. It is so hard to get that healing time with two kids. With one, you can. Once they are at school you have a lot of time back. I still have another year after this one to get through!

Something that, in my case, has been hard is my difficulty articulating things verbally coupled with my son's difficulty with verbal instructions. I wish sometimes we had a visual method of communicating.

Another thing that is hard for me: I need to be on time, and my son is easily distracted and dawdles... So he is late for school almost every day. It results in huge fights most days and it's really draining me. Being late is stressful. I am one of those people who needs to stick to the rules and the timetable. Kids don't always want to do that.

Being needed 24/7 when the kids are young can be really hard. If you want more than one child, my suggestion is to see how you go with the first. If you're getting by ok, you can have a second baby sooner or later depending on your preference. If you are finding one child a struggle but you still want another, leave a bigger gap between them. Older kids understand why mummy can't play with them right now better than toddlers.

Just the other day I went to the hardware store and bought myself some professional noise reducing ear muffs to wear at crazy hour (after school, just before or after dinner) because lately I've started having meltdowns from all the noise and kids jumping around. We have a tiny house and there is nowhere to escape to (I hid down the side of our bed in the dark the other day and my husband really didn't "get" it, so I won't go there any more).

To sum up, in my case my ASD "symptoms" became much more pronounced after having kids. I never wanted children (don't like kids - I try to avoid play dates, which isn't fair on my son) and they were both surprises. After I had the first I did not cope well but thought it was fairly normal to be resentful at losing my freedom, etc. but I knew I didn't want another. Then another accident and I was devastated. Somehow I knew the second was a girl and that helped me accept it, even look forward to meeting her. There have been positives in having another child, such as having the chance for greater self discovery (including ASD), learning more about relaxation, and coming to terms with childhood issues with my parents. But the trouble I have with one child is just compounded with two. It is ten times as hard for me than just having one.

I am concerned that I'm damaging my kids with my constant frustration and angry words... This is pushing me to pursue a professional diagnosis in the hope I can get help.

I hope this isn't too much info. I wanted to be honest. I'm not trying to dissuade you from having children... They are our teachers and I have learnt so much about myself through my kids. A very egocentric view, but there you have it.

 

[Wolfmother]

I have serious noise sensitivities, too. My son (now 10) understands them and is a very kind and sensitive individual. We work it out. I am his mom, he is my son. We love each other. I can't help but say do it, because he is my greatest joy.

 

[Rocco]

I am a parent on the spectrum with three girls, and the youngest of whom I am certain is also on the spectrum. It has it's ups and downs.
Honestly it can be very rewarding emotionally to have them in my life, but it is a constant struggle also.
There is a three year age difference between the twins, 13, and the youngest, 10. This makes an interesting spread with current accusations of favoritism and preferential treatment in favor of my mini Aspie. I don't know what to do.
Being an Aspie I can relate to and understand issues that my little one has, which the others do not.
Her behavior is entirely different than her elder siblings as are her misdeeds. Her chores are suited to her strengths and so are less demanding/ involved than her sisters, which inspires great jealousy. I am already viewed as a "parent" to my young teens, any other parent knows what I mean, which is difficult, but compounded with my less than favorable ASD traits and coping mechanisms, I find myself the subject of scorn, angst, disdain, and plenty of arguments.
I make every attempt to treat each person fairly and with out special treatment, but how to other parents balance the attention between NT and ASD children, and prevent or minimize jealousy and sibling rivalry.

On another note, I find that being rational and honest causes a lot of controversy with kids too.
I worry about setting a bad example at times because I am not social in day to day life, I don't have a circle of friends and am, in fact, very reclusive and self isolating, in need of large amounts of private time to decompress and calm myself.
I am guilty of making inappropriate comments in anger/meltdown/frustration. These things can come out entirely different than I intend in a blurry moment. I cope with sensory processing issues, particularly with speech at times, and I feel terrible when I say hurtful things, or when statements are misinterpreted as being hurtful.

Sorry for such a long and possible off topic reply.
Parenting, to me, is more difficult than anything I ever faced, be it school, life, boot camp, combat, depression, career.
I hate to sound like a pessimist or to hijack the thread, but I could really use some advice from folks who have raised kids into adulthood.

And all that said, I still wouldn't trade my kids for anything, despite the struggles.

Best wishes!

 

[Cosmophylla]

I hate to sound like a pessimist or to hijack the thread, but I could really use some advice from folks who have raised kids into adulthood.

I don't think you sound like a pessimist. To me you sound like someone who finds something hard to cope with and is strong enough to admit as much.

I haven't got as far as you on the journey but I'd definitely be interested in hearing what advice other parents can give. Lately I've been wondering about my daughter and whether she may be on the spectrum as well. If she is it isn't obvious, but she seems to show some hallmark traits: obsession with animals and fantasy, extreme creativity, almost flawless musical memory, and so on. My kids are so different from each other and I don't know whether it would be easier or harder to have both on the spectrum with me.

 

[UpAllNightReading]

We're raising a 1-year-old, and I've just recently begun spending two weekdays as a stay-at-home dad. The rest of the week I work at my office (I rent an office with a couple of friends for my web dev work).

I'm usually really awkward around kids, but with my son it's different. Talking and playing with him just comes so naturally, and I just feel like a normal proud dad when I stroll him around the neighborhood. He is loud, and likes to imitate loud sounds, but you get used to it. The occasional screeching is the only thing that really bothers me, and tends to do that if we're having a conversation and not directly including him.

But I worry that it will be more difficult for me when he gets older. My dad, who I suspect is on the spectrum, loves babies but wasn't very good with kids. He worked as a teacher in a different city while I was growing up, and I only really saw him during the summer breaks and holidays, and then he would prefer being alone in his shop rather than play with us. We were never very close because of that. So I worry that my relationship with my son will also eventually sour, and that's the last thing I'd want. I've always been pretty good at learning from the mistakes of others, so I'm hoping I can learn how to adjust to changing situations as my son grows up. I can't imagine how I'll handle the teenage years.

 

[Sindri]

I am a mother of a near 2 year old daughter. I wasn't diagnosed until after I had her. Parenting is hugely challenging for me, but very rewarding too. My daughter does exhibit some autistic traits, but I'm not very concerned as she is doing really well, learning fast, and speaking. She already knows all her animals, alphabet and numbers, and not even two! When the time comes to have her tested, we will.

I am just thankful that I have come to a better understanding of myself, for her. Knowing WHY I struggle so much with certain things has been a huge help to both of us; I feel like if I was still unaware, I wouldn't be managing it as well. That's not to say I'm managing it exceptionally though. I struggle, I do. Every day. Having a daughter has completely squashed my sociability, as I have no living grandparents or parents, and my S.O. works day in and out. So I'm the one with her, all the time. It's very draining and leaves me no time to even think about being social. I need much more alone time now, which I don't get very much. So my breakdowns have increased.

That being said, I am a fantastic mother. I am ultra sensitive to her needs and we love having sensory times together. Every mother is going to have challenges, it's just that being an aspie makes them a specific set of challenges. Often I have to leave the room if she is too loud, or my S.O.'s parents will keep an eye on her for awhile. But having her as definitely increased my ability to COPE with the breakdowns and sensory overload. I cope because I have to. There is no other choice and I will not fail my daughter.

 

[Häxan]

I am diagnosed with autism and I have three children (ages 6, 8, and 12), two of them are also diagnosed with autism and one is in the process of getting a diagnose.

My honest to goodness opinion is that it only truly depends on the person/persons involved in raising the children, just as neuro-typicals are diverse so are us autistics. For every person they will have their own set of challenges none more significant than the other. What you need to ask yourself is are YOU ready to have children, can you raise them or do you already struggle too much with your own needs.

It is never easy to have children no matter if you are autistic or not, in fact it is one of the most emotionally challenging and highly demanding experiences in one's life but with that said it is also extremely rewarding.