Okay, lets try this

[Randomperson]

How do you go about figuring out what it is you want pertaining to romance/a partner?

I am lonely, because I have always been alone, I do not like lonely that much and want to experience the other option, not being alone. So with that goal in mind, what are the logical steps? I have been reading the other threads in this section and most of it makes little to no sense to me, far too much of the information out there seems to assume I know something about the various parts of relationships. Well I do not, I could use a full step by step break down of how people interact when not out for their own personal gain alone (my only observational experiences on the subject always seem to be of this variety).

So, anything helpful you can relate to me would be appreciated, I have no useful experience or knowledge in relation to flirting, very little in being friends, and none when it comes to anything to do with sex. I am 35, but go ahead and describe it as if I am any relevant age given my level of ignorance.

And yes, I have asked this sort of thing before, the results were not something I care to relive, but this forum seems a decent enough place to try again.

 

[Randomperson]

Random, you are entering dangerous territory. I suggest studying MGTOW.com- there is a breakdown of the potential "Adverse Effects" and worse of trying to partner up. Please inform yourself of the experiences of other men otherwise you may well end up worse off than you are now.

Please consider a sequence of acquaintance->friend->romantic partner->long term commitment .

To put it bluntly, men are trading surplus wealth for female attentions. This may be the personal gain you mention.. It is certainly the foundation of continuing the species.
These days I am more than content to appreciate the gene pool from a sun lounge!

That is the basic of what I understand currently, as far as the sequence goes. As for excess wealth, not much chance there, as I am not wealthy when it comes to money or possessions. As far as adverse effects, perpetual lonely depression is not any fun, so it can not really hurt to attempt to reverse it yeah? I will take a look at that link for now. Edit: okay that link is far beyond my understanding of the subject.

 

[hurtloam]

People don't just get into relationships for money reasons. It was once a mostly transactional thing, (even then people would get married for money but go and have an affair with someone they actually fancied) but women can work these days and earn their own keep. Someone like me who is independant and able to pay my own bills is not looking for someone to support me, I am looking for someone who I get along with and enjoy spending time with. Not all women are gold diggers. It really annoys me when I see this sort of thing perpatuated on the internet as though it were fact. All people are individuals.

Anyway women have that other-side-of the coin myth, that men don't want to commit to a long tern loving relationship and only want to use them, which is unfair to men because most of them are human beings that want to be loved too. People want to feel special to somone else, they want someone to support them emotionally and they want to care about someone else in return. People want someone to enjoy being around. That is essentially why they look for romance, plus love sends all these happy endorphines around the body so they seek that feeling.

 

[Randomperson]

People don't just get into relationships for money reasons. It was once a mostly transactional thing, (even then people would get married for money but go and have an affair with someone they actually fancied) but women can work these days and earn their own keep. Someone like me who is independant and able to pay my own bills is not looking for someone to support me, I am looking for someone who I get along with and enjoy spending time with. Not all women are gold diggers. It really annoys me when I see this sort of thing perpatuated on the internet as though it were fact. All people are individuals.

Anyway women have that other-side-of the coin myth, that men don't want to commit to a long tern loving relationship and only want to use them, which is unfair to men because most of them are human beings that want to be loved too. People want to feel special to somone else, they want someone to support them emotionally and they want to care about someone else in return. People want someone to enjoy being around. That is essentially why they look for romance, plus love sends all these happy endorphines around the body so they seek that feeling.

Yes I realize there are people that do not fall into the stereotypical patterns, although they do seem to be a minority. At any rate I am asking about what is missing from my own mind, what I should already know by instinct or have learned at some point, that being how someone who has no idea how interpersonal relationships actually function can learn. The goal is to find someone to love and be loved by, the steps to achieve that goal are the items in question that are currently cloaked by ignorance.

Thank you.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

You first need to know what you want in a "hunny". Make a list of qualities you would like your "hunny" to have and qualities you would prefer your "hunny" didn't have. Also know what qualities you can live with and which qualities are deal breakers.

 

[hurtloam]

Sorry, I was responding to 02tosin and forgot to quote.

Another good thing to do is to list the qualities you think that you could bring to a relationship. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What can you improve upon? What are your unique selling points? (sorry I work in marketing can't think of a better way to phrase that)

 

[Cerulean]

You first need to know what you want in a "hunny". Make a list of qualities you would like your "hunny" to have and qualities you would prefer your "hunny" didn't have. Also know what qualities you can live with and which qualities are deal breakers.

I agree with this. And if you're having difficulty imagining your ideal "hunny", try thinking of it as a friendship first- what qualities do you enjoy in other people? Sense of humor? Intelligence? Patience? Any quality you would want in a friend would be a good quality for a partner to have, in my experience.

 

[Lukas]

I too suffer horridly from loneliness, but to be quite honest... I rarely get past the acquaintance stage.... I have no idea how to progress beyond that point.

 

[Ereth]

I guess I figured out what I wanted mostly by observing other people: my parents, my relatives, family friends, and so on. Even though I'm only in my first real romantic relationship now, I've been studying what constitutes healthy and unhealthy relationships for long enough that my inexperience doesn't matter. In fact, I've probably avoided a lot of pain due to missing out on the usual years of awkward, fumbling teenage courtship. There have been rough patches for me and my beau, of course, but I am very glad to be with someone now, when I am more mature and patient, rather than during my (comparatively) ignorant youth.

To put it bluntly, men are trading surplus wealth for female attentions. This may be the personal gain you mention.It is certainly the foundation of continuing the species.

Uh, not quite. While it's true that marriages in most cultures have historically gone along with socioeconomic alliances, especially for the upper class and royalty, I wouldn't call "trading surplus wealth for female attentions" the "foundation" of the continued existence of humanity. The treatment of wives as chattel has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Sexual attraction and intercourse ensure the survival of the species.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I too suffer horridly from loneliness, but to be quite honest... I rarely get past the acquaintance stage.... I have no idea how to progress beyond that point.

Get a pen and paper and start your list.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Random, you are entering dangerous territory. I suggest studying MGTOW.com- there is a breakdown of the potential "Adverse Effects" and worse of trying to partner up. Please inform yourself of the experiences of other men otherwise you may well end up worse off than you are now.

Please consider a sequence of acquaintance->friend->romantic partner->long term commitment .

To put it bluntly, men are trading surplus wealth for female attentions. This may be the personal gain you mention.. It is certainly the foundation of continuing the species.
These days I am more than content to appreciate the gene pool from a sun lounge!

I read your last post. Aren't you the one who mentioned your brother and his new wife? Something must have worked for him where he was able to find his "hunny".

 

[Randomperson]

Sorry, I was responding to 02tosin and forgot to quote.

Another good thing to do is to list the qualities you think that you could bring to a relationship. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What can you improve upon? What are your unique selling points? (sorry I work in marketing can't think of a better way to phrase that)

What do you mean? Am I to take you literally or with a proverbial grain of salt? See this is part of my problem, sure they portray social interaction in television and movies, but how much of that is based on reality? That is my main source of information since nobody spends time around me nor I them. And me trying to find people to spend time with and learn in person has been far less than positive in the past.

If you meant literally would that be stuff like the fact that I can not convincingly lie so I do not bother attempting too, on top of finding lies and deceit to be disgusting behaviors? I would consider myself intelligent and physically strong, exceptionally weak on emotional intelligence and social understanding. I would like to improve on being socially inept, hence threads I have started like this one. Selling points? I am neither greedy nor for sale, I can not be bought for any amount. But this is moot if you meant something else, and what does knowing this net me if anything?

As I was trying to ask in the first post, I would really like to see a step by step breakdown of how people interact and go about the stages of friendship/romance/long term commitment. Think of it like requesting a script of how events might unfold? I am simply trying to learn what I do not know on the subject, without screwing up my life or another persons by blindly fumbling in ignorance.

As far as a list of qualities for a friend/partner to have I have long since determined those things so no worries to be had with that.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's me. What do you mean by "stages"? Any given relationship or friendship works on its own terms depending on who is involved.

You already know what qualities you want in a person. Do you have any weaknesses about yourself that you believe you should work on before meeting someone?

 

[Randomperson]

It's me. What do you mean by "stages"? Any given relationship or friendship works on its own terms depending on who is involved.

You already know what qualities you want in a person. Do you have any weaknesses about yourself that you believe you should work on before meeting someone?

Other than gross ignorance on how people interact face to face? I could use some examples?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm not understanding how exactly to answer. People meet all different ways and some get to be good friends while others are just acquaintances. Some people branch off into relationships while others remain just friends. I've never been married so I can't really answer how a marriage goes - except I know I'd want my own bed so I could get some real sleep.

 

[Randomperson]

I'm not understanding how exactly to answer. People meet all different ways and some get to be good friends while others are just acquaintances. Some people branch off into relationships while others remain just friends. I've never been married so I can't really answer how a marriage goes - except I know I'd want my own bed so I could get some real sleep.

Well that is easily agreeable, the sheer number of mattress "innovations" and "options" would highly suggest no 2 people want to sleep on the same bed to begin with, factor in that even a king size is only 2 twin beds side by side, and there is not enough space for comfort. Seems like common sense to me that anyone would be happier with enough space and the exact mattress density they want for sleep, and any waking activities like cuddling or intercourse can be done with and then sleep can be gotten.

 

[hurtloam]

If you meant literally would that be stuff like the fact that I can not convincingly lie so I do not bother attempting too, on top of finding lies and deceit to be disgusting behaviors? I would consider myself intelligent and physically strong, exceptionally weak on emotional intelligence and social understanding. I would like to improve on being socially inept, hence threads I have started like this one. Selling points? I am neither greedy nor for sale, I can not be bought for any amount. But this is moot if you meant something else, and what does knowing this net me if anything?

Yes I meant literally. Sometimes I feel that people often have a long list of things they want in a perfect partner, but don't think about what they actually have to offer. Personally, I think that the positive things that you've listed about yourself are definately good qualities.

What does this do for you? It boosts your self esteem and makes you feel like you've got something to offer to someone else and hopefully provides a bit of confidence that when you meet someone you like, then you will already know that you have something to offer her.

I'm not so good on the what actually happens in a relationship thing. I never get very far. I only really have tv as a reference too.

 

[Randomperson]

I am still very ignorant and confused by the entire subject of positive interpersonal human relationships, so please keep the information coming.

 

[May Black]

Well I do not, I could use a full step by step break down of how people interact when not out for their own personal gain alone (my only observational experiences on the subject always seem to be of this variety).

Being in a relationship is fairly selfish. Any relationship essentially satisfies your own need of something, interaction, understanding, sex. When you have positive feeling towards someone, seeing them happy will give you a sense of satisfaction. I guess you could relate it to the feeling you get when you pet your cat and it starts purring. Does that make any sense?

I am simply trying to learn what I do not know on the subject, without screwing up my life or another persons by blindly fumbling in ignorance.

There will always be a risk of getting hurt or hurting someone when in a relationship. It's a fact you will have to accept.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm an old married broad. Ask me nearly anything. =)

Going off your statement of "very ignorant and confused by the entire subject of positive interpersonal human relationships", let's start with conversation. (If you've got a good grip on that, awesome. I'm still bumbling through it.) Here are some of the things I go by at the very base of it:
- Don't stare! Even if you make a quick cover with something like "oh, just admiring your eyes/hair/reading your shirt/etc", they're probably going to put you on the Hungry Predator / Psycho Stalker list. Look around, look at your hands, but slowly and in turns so you don't come across fidgety and bored. What most people do is watch the person who's talking, and then when they talk they gesture to accentuate their sentences and look around while they do it. Ever notice how when you're in trouble they have that constant glare at you, but if they're talking about coffee they're looking at the coffee or the ceiling but not at you? Looking directly at somebody when you're talking is something along the lines of challenging them, while looking around is a sign of equality, and not looking at them at all at any point of the conversation is a hint for them to go away. Unless you're side-by-side on a park bench staring at a lake or similar situation, you can take longer pauses before looking at them.
- No poop. I remember one kid I went on a date with wasted no time in telling my of a poop bag prank he played on a neighbor. Very, very few people like poop talks. Same goes for gore and other gross topics.
- Appropriate personal space. Might want to let her lead and cozy up to you as she's ready. If you're chatting in open space, 3-5 feet away is about right. You'll be closer in a theatre or car, but don't sprawl all over the seat and half into her side. Holding hands is fine, but I'd ask first if she hasn't made the initiative. Some girls find this especially romantic and gentlemanly if you ask. And there are some girls that like a "man who takes action" and will think you're not interested if you always keep to yourself. Hope for the former until you learn her preferences.
- Don't interrupt. And that can be a really hard thing. A 2-3 second pause to allow for them to finish can work great in a thoughtful conversation and make you look pensive, but timing in a more relaxed conversation can be tricky because you'll look dull or uninterested if you take too long to respond.
- Ask about them. It's true across the board that if you're not talking about something engaging like culinary history or something, people like to talk about themselves. Pull this off right, she'll feel you're genuinely interested in her instead of guessing whether you are or not. Pepper it lightly with remarks of your similar interests and thoughts so she won't go back to the Hungry Stalker thing, but blend it in well so she doesn't think you're asking about her only to make further excuse to talk about yourself.
- Listen for key words and phrases to keep a conversation going. I have trouble with this. Um, let's say she got a new fish. You could ask what kind, water preference, why a fish, why that kind of fish instead of another breed or crab or shrimp, recommendations to keep them healthy (boil the tap water and let it cool before dumping it into the tank, for example), and chain react on until the next subject comes up.

I don't put much stock in TV myself. If you have a few days to lose, TV Tropes isn't too bad a place to get a second opinion on truth in TV.