He has hit us with the iPad. But he hasn't tried to directly break any of them. If we use the devices around him, he'll try to steal them, and will get aggressive with us while doing so.
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Obsessions/Addictions and Aggression - Need Advice
- Thread starter Dallionz
- Start date
He has hit us with the iPad. But he hasn't tried to directly break any of them. If we use the devices around him, he'll try to steal them, and will get aggressive with us while doing so.
People act based on their emotions. People are aggressive because they're angry, upset, or frustrated about something. If people can't resolve their anger or other emotions, they often suppress them and that anger comes out elsewhere. While he may express his anger over electronics, he's probably angry about something else. If he's aggressive toward everyone, he could be angry with how his life is going, angry that he doesn't understand his emotions, or frustrated with himself or his future. If he's only aggressive at home, then it's more likely he has a problem with the way he's treated at home.
People often have obsessions because there is something lacking in their life. He may want friends, a girlfriend, or to spend time with someone who understands him.
I think the best thing that would help is for you to acknowledge his frustration, anger, etc. and talk to him about his feelings when he is calm and his thinking isn't affected by his emotions. Trying to change his behavior without talking to him about how he feels sends the message that you don't care about his feelings and just want him to behave to make your lives easier. Some kids will get angry and act aggressively to punish their parents because they think their parents don't care about their feelings. It happens even when they know their parents love them because feelings are so important and it's very stressful to keep them inside and not understand them.
Hello. I was your child for quite some time. Until I was 11 I had no electronic access since I would attach to the tv shows and end up having meltdowns. Some autistic people just attach to electronic based media me included to the point that my first special interest as a child was a radio show. At 11 I got a laptop. It was hard for me to break away from it and it led to more issues. However now I am doing much better with it. While I don't know your child here is what helped me:
Emotions: Everything I did was connected to behaviours but I didn't realize I didn't understand my emotions. Until I was 15 I was comfortable or uncomfortable no inbetween. I didn't understand how emotions separated out. So when I was told that I could not do this or that due to how I was acting or "calm body" I could not even listen due to feeling so much. I learned a few emotions (to this day I really only know happy,sad,angry but it works for me) with practice I learned some cues. This took awhile but it was helpful long term. (I used DBT emotions sheets) I also learned some skills to use however those where mostly helpful in overall decreasing my distress long term. I did learn that grounding sensory input was helpful such as ice packs on the face or things with textures.
Empathy: So it is known that autistics don't understand NT's but it also works in reverse. Your child wants to watch the same stuff because it is always the same. After I write this I am going to watch a video I have seen a number of times as it's comforting. The world never stops even if you in inside your own home things change all the time. It can be very distressing.
Here is why earning things does not work: When I was younger I was the worst with earning things. I had star charts, tally charts above the socal story schedule magnets on the fridge, small incremental rewards, and large ones. None worked. WHY!?! (gasped the aba therapists and mother) Well what if I don't get it? And what if the thing I want is helping to regulate me? Then panic follows however fear turns to anger quick to defend yourself and to get the things you want/need. I didn't stop sneaking food till I knew it would just be there (I used to compulsively eat long story), I didn't put my computer down till I knew it would still be there when I got back, I didn't stop running away from school until I knew they would let me take breaks (another longer story, etc When I was not counting the seconds of joy and freedom I had from a world that made me dizzy I was more likely to be flexible.
Routine and setting limits: This might be a bit more advanced for when your child is more regulated but for about two years my internet was stopped at 10:00 pm via a filter. I had meltdowns at the start but over 2 years I only had about 10 (good for me at the time). Over that time I learned to regulate my internet usage better and the filter is off now. Autistic people like routine and you can easily use that to your benefit. Electronics have a time. Not all the time is electronics time but every day/however much you choose has electronics time. Making it predictable takes away the fear of losing it or earning it. Also figure out what is being done with said electronics. What shows are being watched? What games are being played? You can find interests that can be expanded upon.
I wish you the best electronic addictions can be hard but I know that for a time (and now even) it was my only safe way of interacting with the world even if it was one sided though tv shows and that can be hard to break away from.
Emotions: Everything I did was connected to behaviours but I didn't realize I didn't understand my emotions. Until I was 15 I was comfortable or uncomfortable no inbetween. I didn't understand how emotions separated out. So when I was told that I could not do this or that due to how I was acting or "calm body" I could not even listen due to feeling so much. I learned a few emotions (to this day I really only know happy,sad,angry but it works for me) with practice I learned some cues. This took awhile but it was helpful long term. (I used DBT emotions sheets) I also learned some skills to use however those where mostly helpful in overall decreasing my distress long term. I did learn that grounding sensory input was helpful such as ice packs on the face or things with textures.
Empathy: So it is known that autistics don't understand NT's but it also works in reverse. Your child wants to watch the same stuff because it is always the same. After I write this I am going to watch a video I have seen a number of times as it's comforting. The world never stops even if you in inside your own home things change all the time. It can be very distressing.
Here is why earning things does not work: When I was younger I was the worst with earning things. I had star charts, tally charts above the socal story schedule magnets on the fridge, small incremental rewards, and large ones. None worked. WHY!?! (gasped the aba therapists and mother) Well what if I don't get it? And what if the thing I want is helping to regulate me? Then panic follows however fear turns to anger quick to defend yourself and to get the things you want/need. I didn't stop sneaking food till I knew it would just be there (I used to compulsively eat long story), I didn't put my computer down till I knew it would still be there when I got back, I didn't stop running away from school until I knew they would let me take breaks (another longer story, etc When I was not counting the seconds of joy and freedom I had from a world that made me dizzy I was more likely to be flexible.
Routine and setting limits: This might be a bit more advanced for when your child is more regulated but for about two years my internet was stopped at 10:00 pm via a filter. I had meltdowns at the start but over 2 years I only had about 10 (good for me at the time). Over that time I learned to regulate my internet usage better and the filter is off now. Autistic people like routine and you can easily use that to your benefit. Electronics have a time. Not all the time is electronics time but every day/however much you choose has electronics time. Making it predictable takes away the fear of losing it or earning it. Also figure out what is being done with said electronics. What shows are being watched? What games are being played? You can find interests that can be expanded upon.
I wish you the best electronic addictions can be hard but I know that for a time (and now even) it was my only safe way of interacting with the world even if it was one sided though tv shows and that can be hard to break away from.
Have you been able to come up with ways to wear his butt out! Riding bicycles (mine had a motor so i could hope to keep up!) or jogging or trampolining or swimming in lake, treadmill, special tv show that goes on walking the treadmill, anything to drain some of this energy. Anything physical he already likes. Never ever alone, obviously, so me too, just me, no friends family or heartwarming magical town of supportive whatnot, that's life. Also no friends family making more pressure, so, not complaining.
I don't know what you mean by severe autism, for my mind this means almost no ability to communicate to him or him to communicate to others. So let's think about the adhd...especially the H in adHd.
By severe adhd, i'm thinking the type that seeks more and more stimulation, more action or toys or tv's - no a bigger one - no this one - no the giant home theater!!! I need a model plane, now it's boring i need a jet, did you see the rocket i need a rocket!!! Not like a shopohalic...don't mean that. Just a mind that devours continual stimulation, seeks it with impulsive high interest. HIGH interest is the only interest. A constant seeking of the next high to the exhaustion of those around him. Is it like that?
Autism, always struggle to shift focus/priority. To think 'eh, good enough'. Non autistic struggle too, but not always unlike asd. Add to that, marking memories when the 'fail' happens....ice cream falls off cone, 'whole day is ruined' and forever the memory is of the 'fail'. Yes, non autistic do this too, but can recover, get another, move on, or at least not wind up so you never go near the ice cream store again and take different streets home years later it's a meltdown again. Is this struggle to shift focus and move on, your son?
So X gets a picture of what he will have, goes to you given you are the only path to get this need met, if you say no in any way including that the item is not yet available for purchase, bang, now you are the OBSTACLE. Not sure how this became violent, likely gradual, you both ran out of options so his is hit and yours is get hit currently. You said it got worse a few years ago, puberty can fuel everything you're saying.
He has energy, and no other source to get 'need' met. By default, you are the obstacle, he's practical, does not destroy objects that meet needs, so has regulation of actions even without regulation of emotion...this is very, very good. Kudos to him. Something to recognize, build on.
If he is violent restrain him yes, yes, yes, assuming there is no way to ask him while calm what he would like to keep you safe. If he slices his finger punching your mouth, the ER sees your fat lip and his hand...enter social services. ya see? Feels like violation to restrain i know. I asked my son what to do, after first restraining him i felt so sick, i knew it overwhelmed him.
He was 10-11 or so, near tall as me, he asked me to put him between the mattresses and 'squeeze' him....HE thought of this, not me. I thought he was brilliant, was told never to do this by everyone. Seriously? His body, not head! First try i ask him "squish more, you ok?" dunno what to do. He is my guide....'more, more, more....ok stop stop...more, more'. When his sensory (tactile?) need was met, no violence. NO IDEA if the same is true for your son...but...hope you know it's beyond spoiled, brat, just say no, etc.. and not due to 'bad' boy.
I just keep wondering, seems a pretty reasonable mind that does not destroy everything in a blind fury. That is reasoning, rational, to me anyhow. Seems he has things to work with, qualities to praise (unless you think by praising him, he will think ah ha, i see, destroy the computer) and you're for some time now being put in a position to work against the behavior without explanation of what he is thinking. Then, put in a position of being a frustration to him.
When adhd bodies move move move, their brains calm. If the body doesn't move the brain moves double time. Son needs to bump and body slam off the hallway walls, where as the girls just walk down the middle. Adhd needs tactile feedback feedback feedback...stomping, jumping, crashing...no gentle anything. So without getting all psychology-blah-blah-blah it'd sure be nice to get an explanation of what he GETS from a sensory standpoint, physical aggression is tactile, it is touch, albeit not soft touch.
Try to find cause/effect thoughts with absolutely no good or bad attached. My heartfelt motherly prayers he is able to know and convey what he needs, to avoid getting aggressive. Most ofthen not that simple, once in a while it is. You cannot hit, what do YOU like, what do YOU want...spraying with hose, twirling yourself on chair, song over and over, making a (child's name) mattress sandwich, etc... give him a menu of choices to choose from.
Look up ideas to tucker out kids or teens with adhd. One day my son found a penny, then melted down when another was not found in a few minutes. I had to hide a penny every so often in the grocery aisle...where he could see it. Just keeping him near is hard enough. turned into, he and his little sister being so interested in finding a penny (each!) I could shop. They stayed in the aisle with me! Had to first, let them ahead of me in aisle to plant a few pennies. Our new 'rule' is mom goes down aisle two times. Second pass, they find pennies. Of course I'm feverishly watching them, any cart coming down aisle from other shopper, learn a rhythm that works eventually. No real reward!!! They'd just bring them back. I'd plant pennies in next aisle while watching them search, second pass down aisle they would find. Repeat. No idea why it worked, it evolved when i see HIS interest. In time, he can get enough for a nickel and so gum, which, never do i buy, now he has this power...can find pennies to get gum mom says no to. Kind of funny, he'd say, "sorry mom" and shake his head chewing the gum, just like i shake my head saying no. I'd have him and his sister jump from square to square, they were maybe a few feet apart, that ugly linoleum design...gave him focus, that idea i did apply from an adhd pamplet long ago. Would it work, is it possible, if you hid five bucks in change per day into the lawn, that he would be so in the 'zone' picking them up focused on what he could buy with enough...yes i see all the pitfalls of that. Point being, worth a few bucks a day if it keeps him enjoying a quest for coin, busy for hours, and allows him to make choices to buy...don't need to grasp money, put dots on a paper, when quarters are on all dots you have $20 or what ever amount. Maybe unrelated to computer advertising stuff, separated worlds. ONLY HE can get these things from his quest and treasure finding of coin, he's PROUD, mom can't, too bad...make a menu of what he can get. Sometimes, who cares what causes behavior or why, tell me what to doooooo!
Really tried to make up for previous potty training post. Hope anything helps. ALL MY BEST.
I don't know what you mean by severe autism, for my mind this means almost no ability to communicate to him or him to communicate to others. So let's think about the adhd...especially the H in adHd.
By severe adhd, i'm thinking the type that seeks more and more stimulation, more action or toys or tv's - no a bigger one - no this one - no the giant home theater!!! I need a model plane, now it's boring i need a jet, did you see the rocket i need a rocket!!! Not like a shopohalic...don't mean that. Just a mind that devours continual stimulation, seeks it with impulsive high interest. HIGH interest is the only interest. A constant seeking of the next high to the exhaustion of those around him. Is it like that?
Autism, always struggle to shift focus/priority. To think 'eh, good enough'. Non autistic struggle too, but not always unlike asd. Add to that, marking memories when the 'fail' happens....ice cream falls off cone, 'whole day is ruined' and forever the memory is of the 'fail'. Yes, non autistic do this too, but can recover, get another, move on, or at least not wind up so you never go near the ice cream store again and take different streets home years later it's a meltdown again. Is this struggle to shift focus and move on, your son?
So X gets a picture of what he will have, goes to you given you are the only path to get this need met, if you say no in any way including that the item is not yet available for purchase, bang, now you are the OBSTACLE. Not sure how this became violent, likely gradual, you both ran out of options so his is hit and yours is get hit currently. You said it got worse a few years ago, puberty can fuel everything you're saying.
He has energy, and no other source to get 'need' met. By default, you are the obstacle, he's practical, does not destroy objects that meet needs, so has regulation of actions even without regulation of emotion...this is very, very good. Kudos to him. Something to recognize, build on.
If he is violent restrain him yes, yes, yes, assuming there is no way to ask him while calm what he would like to keep you safe. If he slices his finger punching your mouth, the ER sees your fat lip and his hand...enter social services. ya see? Feels like violation to restrain i know. I asked my son what to do, after first restraining him i felt so sick, i knew it overwhelmed him.
He was 10-11 or so, near tall as me, he asked me to put him between the mattresses and 'squeeze' him....HE thought of this, not me. I thought he was brilliant, was told never to do this by everyone. Seriously? His body, not head! First try i ask him "squish more, you ok?" dunno what to do. He is my guide....'more, more, more....ok stop stop...more, more'. When his sensory (tactile?) need was met, no violence. NO IDEA if the same is true for your son...but...hope you know it's beyond spoiled, brat, just say no, etc.. and not due to 'bad' boy.
I just keep wondering, seems a pretty reasonable mind that does not destroy everything in a blind fury. That is reasoning, rational, to me anyhow. Seems he has things to work with, qualities to praise (unless you think by praising him, he will think ah ha, i see, destroy the computer) and you're for some time now being put in a position to work against the behavior without explanation of what he is thinking. Then, put in a position of being a frustration to him.
When adhd bodies move move move, their brains calm. If the body doesn't move the brain moves double time. Son needs to bump and body slam off the hallway walls, where as the girls just walk down the middle. Adhd needs tactile feedback feedback feedback...stomping, jumping, crashing...no gentle anything. So without getting all psychology-blah-blah-blah it'd sure be nice to get an explanation of what he GETS from a sensory standpoint, physical aggression is tactile, it is touch, albeit not soft touch.
Try to find cause/effect thoughts with absolutely no good or bad attached. My heartfelt motherly prayers he is able to know and convey what he needs, to avoid getting aggressive. Most ofthen not that simple, once in a while it is. You cannot hit, what do YOU like, what do YOU want...spraying with hose, twirling yourself on chair, song over and over, making a (child's name) mattress sandwich, etc... give him a menu of choices to choose from.
Look up ideas to tucker out kids or teens with adhd. One day my son found a penny, then melted down when another was not found in a few minutes. I had to hide a penny every so often in the grocery aisle...where he could see it. Just keeping him near is hard enough. turned into, he and his little sister being so interested in finding a penny (each!) I could shop. They stayed in the aisle with me! Had to first, let them ahead of me in aisle to plant a few pennies. Our new 'rule' is mom goes down aisle two times. Second pass, they find pennies. Of course I'm feverishly watching them, any cart coming down aisle from other shopper, learn a rhythm that works eventually. No real reward!!! They'd just bring them back. I'd plant pennies in next aisle while watching them search, second pass down aisle they would find. Repeat. No idea why it worked, it evolved when i see HIS interest. In time, he can get enough for a nickel and so gum, which, never do i buy, now he has this power...can find pennies to get gum mom says no to. Kind of funny, he'd say, "sorry mom" and shake his head chewing the gum, just like i shake my head saying no. I'd have him and his sister jump from square to square, they were maybe a few feet apart, that ugly linoleum design...gave him focus, that idea i did apply from an adhd pamplet long ago. Would it work, is it possible, if you hid five bucks in change per day into the lawn, that he would be so in the 'zone' picking them up focused on what he could buy with enough...yes i see all the pitfalls of that. Point being, worth a few bucks a day if it keeps him enjoying a quest for coin, busy for hours, and allows him to make choices to buy...don't need to grasp money, put dots on a paper, when quarters are on all dots you have $20 or what ever amount. Maybe unrelated to computer advertising stuff, separated worlds. ONLY HE can get these things from his quest and treasure finding of coin, he's PROUD, mom can't, too bad...make a menu of what he can get. Sometimes, who cares what causes behavior or why, tell me what to doooooo!
Really tried to make up for previous potty training post. Hope anything helps. ALL MY BEST.
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