Obsesion with Crush

[Avery]

Hello I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and am having trouble with the oppsite gender.
My family moved about 4 years ago and during this time I haven't had any friends I am homeschooled and I also suffer from social anxiety so I don't get out much. I have a nieghbor that is a year younger than me and I have just recently relized how much I acctually like him. Before when I have had a crush I become bassically obsesive always wanting to see them be around them or talk about them. Him being my nieghbor I'm always wanting to go outside so he can see me or maybe I'll see him. I also don't think that he even wants anything to do with me but it's like I can't stop and when this has happened before I get crushed when I find out that they don't like me back. Being an Aspergers I think I'm always guessing so I think, maybe he's just shy? I guess I'm just struggling with what I should do I hate running around thinking maybe if I stay here five more minutes he will come talk to me and also if he is shy should I keep trying to talk to him? But if he is completly not interested then I'm just making a fool of myself? I'm just really confused.

 

[Ylva]

There are ways to control your emotions and, to an extent, you hormones. I found "A Guide to Rational Living" by Ellis/Harper helpful in this regard. Granted, I was probably a couple years older than you at the time, but if you like reading, it could be a place to start.

 

[pjcnet]

It's a very difficult subject indeed, but I've had these types of obsessions in the past when I was younger. It's can be extremely hard to get the confidence to say or do anything and your thoughts about what to do about it can become very obsessive, but if you don't get the confidence you won't forgive yourself as you will never know what might have been. Partly what stops one from acting is the fear of a humiliating rejection, like being laughed and jeered at for instance or to be told to effectively "get lost" in a nasty manner. A very bad reaction like this doesn't usually happen however as most people will be at least flattered and obviously there's also chance you won't be rejected. If you are rejected you may feel bad, but you will always get over it in the end and move on.

Unfortunately I've found that being obsessive about someone will often ultimately frighten them off which is the last thing you actually want to happen, it's usually better to try and hold back as much as you possibly can and perhaps just ask them out for a friendly drink on the first occasion (but keep your intentions open, E.g. "don't say it's just as friends"), in fact as a lady you might not even need to do that as men are often expected to do more of the chasing, just chatting to him in a friendly manner could be good enough (yes, I know that's not that easy to do and I'm not the best at it to say the least). If he does start chasing you however, don't make it ridiculously easy for him as men usually enjoy the chase and men will often think better of you for it (E.g. you're not too easy to get and you're more worth chasing).

If one does get into a relationship often Aspies like myself will be so obsessive to keep the other person happy for fear of losing them that it will actually make us lose them in the end or worse some people may even take advantage and use us instead of truly loving us back (please be careful). Both things have happened to me in the past with someone I really wanted to be with, then later during another time in my life I had someone I wasn't really obsessed with chase me and she became obsessive with myself trying everything to please me in a similar way to how I'd acted in the past. It was flattering at first and I went out with her for a while, but eventually I couldn't handle it and it really annoyed me to the stage of wanting to finish with her, so I got a taste of my own medicine and that's how I understand more about this now. Signs of being obsessive are when everything you do and think about is the person. You may start almost believing that everything they say or do is wonderful even if it's not. If you have the chance you will often do nothing but try and please the person you're interested in, you will suddenly try to take on their interests and even start wanting to watch TV they enjoy Etc Etc. I am vegetarian for instance and the person who was obsessive about myself suddenly wanted to become vegetarian even though she'd eaten meat all her life and had no interest before. I would much rather a partner say, "I enjoy eating meat and would never stop" while being herself than someone that tiptoes around me trying everything to please me, suddenly liking everything I like, agreeing to do everything that I say or want to do, never daring to even get angry with me even if I did something wrong as not to upset me.

Anyway, good luck, I sincerely hope you get the confidence to chat to him and it works out for yourself.