NT (undiagnosed, never been to psy) + HFA (he says so though he still has very few interests)

[Fridgemagnetman]

Is anyone 100% right all the time? No. And are there times where he's actually mad before I pointed it out, Yes there is and he's admitted it. This happens pretty often with him, so thus I get use to the pattern. He had times where he doesn't understand his current emotions that he's displaying and even with his friends, they point it out and he admits that he didn't realize what he was doing/how he was actually feeling till later.

Can I fully put myself into the mindset with someone with Asperger's 100%? No I can't, that's impossible, it's about the same as asking someone with Asperger's to fully put and understand the mindset of someone of NT.

I digress, I understand your points, and yes prehaps there are times where he isn't mad at all and I assume he is from other things or words he uses. Once he explains that he's not, then I just move on with the conversation and that's it.

You're welcome.

 

[Fallenwolf]

I'm 70% sure he indeed was angry. Mine lies about it but then confesses and I have to follow my gut feelings to acknowledge his feelings. He cant detect how he feels but later he knows it.

Exactly, there are times where it's hard for some to realize what their current feelings are, so it's up to those on the outside, to point out and acknowledge what emotions they are displaying, so prehaps it can help them understand what's going on inside.

And yeah, I'm glad you accepting more of who he is, and hopefully with time, you'll get to understand more of what's going on inside his head.

 

[All-Rounder]

I’m not saying you should accept being treated like a doormat. I’m saying you guys should break it off if you’re as unhappy as you claim to be.

You really can't expect us not to be unhappy sometimes. We're wired differently and we can't non stop take your bluntness and quirks without feeling, I guess just like you cant take our own ones.

 

[All-Rounder]

Exactly, there are times where it's hard for some to realize what their current feelings are, so it's up to those on the outside, to point out and acknowledge what emotions they are displaying, so prehaps it can help them understand what's going on inside.

And yeah, I'm glad you accepting more of who he is, and hopefully with time, you'll get to understand more of what's going on inside his head.

Yesss! YESS! like Fridge said, Defensive is the word. Works if you think he was reacting to something he was stimulated to react. He did say this word himself, I perceived it as anger so I'd feel like he was punishing me for no real reason, for saying what humans say. I worked with him so now he understands and doesn't even expects me to use special lists that I check with every time I say something, cause that's just stressful and kind of unrealistic though I do modify much of what I say, but there's not always set examples, this is just something I can't always predict. But he understands and I understand he cant stop his reaction too. But it still brings these feelings and anger and mood sometimes that I don't know what to do about, which I guess I need support for.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Yesss! YESS! like Fridge said, Defensive is the word. Works if you think he was reacting to something he was stimulated to react. He did say this word himself, I perceived it as anger so I'd feel like he was punishing me for no real reason, for saying what humans say. I worked with him so now he understands and doesn't even expects me to use special lists that I check with every time I say something, cause that's just stressful and kind of unrealistic though I do modify much of what I say, but there's not always set examples, this is just something I can't always predict. But he understands and I understand he cant stop his reaction too. But it still brings these feelings and anger and mood sometimes that I don't know what to do about, which I guess I need support for.

I wonder if the sentence

'She doesn't hear what I say but what she thinks it means'

Could be useful.

 

[Bolletje]

You really can't expect us not to be unhappy sometimes. We're wired differently and we can't non stop take your bluntness and quirks without feeling, I guess just like you cant take our own ones.

I’m not telling you not to be unhappy. I never said anything remotely like that.
I’m telling you not to willingly be as unhappy as you both appear to be. Or if you choose this unhappiness, accept your choice.

Statement A: My boyfriend treats me like a doormat
Statement B: I want to grow old together

These two statements don’t go together for me. It puzzles that they would for you.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I’m not telling you not to be unhappy. I never said anything remotely like that.
I’m telling you not to willingly be as unhappy as you both appear to be. Or if you choose this unhappiness, accept your choice.

Statement A: My boyfriend treats me like a doormat
Statement B: I want to grow old together

These two statements don’t go together for me. It puzzles that they would for you.

Its funny these interchanges, simple misunderstandings and assumptions behind the words.
Relationships are difficult at the best of times but isn't language so ambigous!

I'm always surprised at the misunderstandings I can generate in my own life.. seemingly over nothing.

Ah well, I think I'll wonder off and post something stupid...

 

[All-Rounder]

Well, that's why I'm here. Because I'm confused and need help to understand what he's doing.

I usually don't jump to conclusion or end a relationship without wanting to. That was never an idea.

 

[All-Rounder]

I don't necessarily look for happiness nor sorrow, I want the truth, even if it hurts. And boy sometimes it does hurt, but then sometimes it's just a misunderstanding.

 

[Fallenwolf]

I’m not telling you not to be unhappy. I never said anything remotely like that.
I’m telling you not to willingly be as unhappy as you both appear to be. Or if you choose this unhappiness, accept your choice.

Statement A: My boyfriend treats me like a doormat
Statement B: I want to grow old together

These two statements don’t go together for me. It puzzles that they would for you.

Statement A and Statement B are coming from two different people. I've been in a few relationships (mostly NT) and from listening to others in a relationship, there will always be something that needs to be worked on. No relationship is 100% happy at all times. There's always the good and the bad. And there are always things both people need to adjust to in a relationship to meet half way so that both individuals are happy. To give up on a relationship just cause there are a few things someone is unhappy about, then there weren't be many relationships period lol.

The stuff I'm referring to, is stuff I know that can be worked on. I know this, cause like I stated earlier they are improving and getting better. I'm sure there's stuff about me he's unhappy about, and he tells me and I work on it and adjust. The other things that I don't understand, I state them here to see if others are finding this similar in their AS partners as well, or to see what the mindset behind the reasons as to why they act this way from other AS individuals. Like Rexi said, we're posting this stuff here, cause we're confused.

 

[AO1501]

Its funny these interchanges, simple misunderstandings and assumptions behind the words.
Relationships are difficult at the best of times but isn't language so ambigous!

I'm always surprised at the misunderstandings I can generate in my own life.. seemingly over nothing.

It is even more basic than the use of words. It's about interpretations.

Take it outside the thorny area of relationships, with their complexities and dynamics and put it instead into a workplace where an Aspie works in a team with a group of socially active NTs. (This is a not unusual scenario).

The Aspie is not a social animal, so doesn't tend to join in, and instead typically focuses on getting on with the job (as Aspies do). The NTs see the tendency for the Aspie to self-isolate, and because that behaviour is totally alien to them because they're socially driven and integrated in the team, they interpret the Aspie's behaviour as being aloof, arrogant and that the Aspie views them as inferior.

Getting what they see as such a negative judgment from the Aspie on a personal level, they exclude the Aspie, and develop a 'group dislike' in response, as punishment for being nasty to them.

It is so easy and so common to forge such negative tensions in very short periods of time when interpreting a different neurology on the basis of your own.

It is, as you say, over nothing. Misinterpreted.

 

[All-Rounder]

It is even more basic than the use of words. It's about interpretations.

Take it outside the thorny area of relationships, with their complexities and dynamics and put it instead into a workplace where an Aspie works in a team with a group of socially active NTs. (This is a not unusual scenario).

The Aspie is not a social animal, so doesn't tend to join in, and instead typically focuses on getting on with the job (as Aspies do). The NTs see the tendency for the Aspie to self-isolate, and because that behaviour is totally alien to them because they're socially driven and integrated in the team, they interpret the Aspie's behaviour as being aloof, arrogant and that the Aspie views them as inferior.

Getting what they see as such a negative judgment from the Aspie on a personal level, they exclude the Aspie, and develop a 'group dislike' in response, as punishment for being nasty to them.

It is so easy and so common to forge such negative tensions in very short periods of time when interpreting a different neurology on the basis of your own.

It is, as you say, over nothing. Misinterpreted.

That's actually my whole life in a nutshell, the aspie you described. Except I'm not an aspie, I seem too NT like in thinking.
It is very hard to trust in relationships, so you get tons of doubts and if you already have doubt issues, that is a lot to manage.
Then I remember keeping a clear head and trusting and believing what I have no proof of has never been easy for me even while dating normal guys, though surprisingly my current bf made it easier to do this, due to his unique different nature and involvement.

 

[granolaturtle]

A big part of the problem is you guys are interpretting your partner through a lense of a heavily stereotyped view of autism. I'd be irritated if my partner felt the way you two felt about autism too. You seem to have very condescending views of autistic people. Relationships ARE a two way street and they need to be based on respect. If you are ableist in mind, you can't have a respectful relationship with a disabled person.

 

[All-Rounder]

A big part of the problem is you guys are interpretting your partner through a lense of a heavily stereotyped view of autism. I'd be irritated if my partner felt the way you two felt about autism too. You seem to have very condescending views of autistic people. Relationships ARE a two way street and they need to be based on respect. If you are ableist in mind, you can't have a respectful relationship with a disabled person.

I understand your frustration and maybe I do. I try to think of it like having common grounds, not in all, and depends. But should I think of it more like his own self, and then I wouldn't even need to be here at all, I could just ask anyone about him as a person and people with shared experiences could potentially help with the issue? But take it with a grain of salt while doing so?

 

[All-Rounder]

Also, I think I wouldn't know how to find some things that I can find here, like before I got here I had no idea he was actually reacting because he couldn't understand his feelings, and what normal person could tell me that was actually the issue.. perhaps my problem is just that I need to see for myself and communicate with him. And above all of that just keep trusting him to want my best interests which is practically needed in any relationship.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I understand your frustration and maybe I do. I try to think of it like having common grounds, not in all, and depends. But should I think of it more like his own self, and then I wouldn't even need to be here at all, I could just ask anyone about him as a person and people with shared experiences could potentially help with the issue? But take it with a grain of salt while doing so?

I often return to a trait 'taking things literally'

I wonder how many instances there are when you didnt.
And I wonder if that would make a difference.

Saying things literally, hearing them literally, not catching a nuance (likely subconscious) that you have placed on a sentence.

Often when there is a misunderstanding it is easy to move to step two.

Ie like my example on this thread earlier..

Ie a new sentence, a new active statememt which requires an additional response is given.
I get defensive as my first point (literal had a hidden connotation added) was dismissed as a second statment requiring a response was issued.
So we've moved from the first statement onto something new..
My thing is then ignored it becomes something different.

I often feel that many NTs come on this site trying to understand their aspie partner.

I try to shine a light.

You need to understand yourselves better first.

Can you act without motive,without an agenda?

Imagine if you do act in that way.

People project a motive onto you.

You dont always realise that they're doing it.

The person doing it also doesnt realise they have projected but expects a certain response.

You can't give it because you don't know their idea of what your motive is.

You try to find out but they get angry.

As they are also unaware of what they are doing. They have a hidden expectation of what your response should be.

Always try and stay at step one. Go back and reinterpret.

Think about how many different ways of taking things literally means and think how you can act without motive.

There are many hidden rules NT follow unconsciously, we have to figure out what they are..

Difficult as you yourselves dont know which rule you're using at any given point.

Trying to give an example here, not to be taken literally..
Or is it?

 

[Bolletje]

I often return to a trait 'taking things literally'

I wonder how many instances there are when you didnt.
And I wonder if that would make a difference.

Saying things literally, hearing them literally, not catching a nuance (likely subconscious) that you have placed on a sentence.

Often when there is a misunderstanding it is easy to move to step two.

Ie like my example on this thread earlier..

Ie a new sentence, a new active statememt which requires an additional response is given.
I get defensive as my first point (literal had a hidden connotation added) was dismissed as a second statment requiring a response was issued.
So we've moved from the first statement onto something new..
My thing is then ignored it becomes something different.

I often feel that many NTs come on this site trying to understand their aspie partner.

I try to shine a light.

You need to understand yourselves better first.

Can you act without motive,without an agenda?

Imagine if you do act in that way.

People project a motive onto you.

You dont always realise that they're doing it.

The person doing it also doesnt realise they have projected but expects a certain response.

You can't give it because you don't know their idea of what your motive is.

You try to find out but they get angry.

As they are also unaware of what they are doing. They have a hidden expectation of what your response should be.

Always try and stay at step one. Go back and reinterpret.

Think about how many different ways of taking things literally means and think how you can act without motive.

There are many hidden rules NT follow unconsciously, we have to figure out what they are..

Difficult as you yourselves dont know which rule you're using at any given point.

Trying to give an example here, not to be taken literally..
Or is it?

Okay, now say something funny.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Okay, now say something funny.

Is that doctors orders?

 

[All-Rounder]

Is that doctors orders?

Dr. knows best.

 

[All-Rounder]

I often return to a trait 'taking things literally'

I wonder how many instances there are when you didnt.
And I wonder if that would make a difference.

Saying things literally, hearing them literally, not catching a nuance (likely subconscious) that you have placed on a sentence.

Often when there is a misunderstanding it is easy to move to step two.

Ie like my example on this thread earlier..

Ie a new sentence, a new active statememt which requires an additional response is given.
I get defensive as my first point (literal had a hidden connotation added) was dismissed as a second statment requiring a response was issued.
So we've moved from the first statement onto something new..
My thing is then ignored it becomes something different.

I often feel that many NTs come on this site trying to understand their aspie partner.

I try to shine a light.

You need to understand yourselves better first.

Can you act without motive,without an agenda?

Imagine if you do act in that way.

People project a motive onto you.

You dont always realise that they're doing it.

The person doing it also doesnt realise they have projected but expects a certain response.

You can't give it because you don't know their idea of what your motive is.

You try to find out but they get angry.

As they are also unaware of what they are doing. They have a hidden expectation of what your response should be.

Always try and stay at step one. Go back and reinterpret.

Think about how many different ways of taking things literally means and think how you can act without motive.

There are many hidden rules NT follow unconsciously, we have to figure out what they are..

Difficult as you yourselves dont know which rule you're using at any given point.

Trying to give an example here, not to be taken literally..
Or is it?

This reminds me how I "prevented" hazard recently but he replied defensive at the same time I replied I want to not remain on the topic to prevent him stressing. So in a way it seemed familiar a circumstance but not soon enough. It's really hard to know because I'm not too sure of my own gut feelings and they don't always show soon or strong enough, but I'm aware something may be going on and he doesn't tell me even if it stresses him.

I guess I'm technically causing him to aggravate because I want to know. And I should just stop and switch instead. However my experience has been that he sometimes gets angry with me if I swap topic and he says i shouldn't do it, i'm trying to distract him from the topic, but I'm just worried about arguing with him.

On the other hand, it seems like "motive" could be emotion. I feel emotions, but emotion doesn't require a reaction. I sometimes stop my reaction even in circumstances I'm confused about, even if it's nothing bad, especially with him. In cases around him, I get anxiety almost always when I do.
What I can't really live with is not providing care when needed, which is perhaps why he refers to me as I'm treating him as a patient. I suppose that would be the case I could do it best in because it doesnt conflict with my values or with him usually not wanting to hear it, but he doesnt like it. I guess its worse if i do it when hes not feeling good.

I act slightly different as many times as I can, I like to remember what I said last time in the same circumstance and then i slightly change the content or words I use... this just feels better to do

I can always change my ways even if not right away, but understanding how and having a set example is very important for me to know how to handle a situation. It's why I sometimes make simplified lists to remember and get the hang of it and why I need views I can understand from good sources, and ones which work on him. It's difficult when I feel that nothing really works on him, it feels like there is no way to solving it.