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NT (undiagnosed, never been to psy) + HFA (he says so though he still has very few interests)

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Before I delve into the pond of issues (very few now compared to the past though still plenty rough times), I want to mention that he has restrained interests, though his interests are about 3 major ones, and others (2) not as deep but he can get into easily. Not sure if that fact points there are enough to make HFA (the branch, not the type) or it's just Asperger's. (yeah, I know now in some countries it's no longer with categories, just ASD, but this is something I really want to know) I can't easily talk about his autism with him because he gets veeeery unstable and tells me I'm trying to treat him like a patient rather than a lover (it's totally not my intention, just very hard to find a way to discuss and I think hes not liking the topic itself).

Main issue that bothers me currently (and him if I had to guess) is his sudden loss of patience over questions, things I say, things he misunderstands that I say. He said he doesn't have as much patience with people, which's always been the case IMO but now it thins down every now and then and even if it doesn't he still reacts harshly for no good reason to many things, concepts, questions. There is a lot of misunderstanding going both ways but his reaction and patience just breaks me. He says rude things suddenly, and they're not very thought out. I just start crying and can't lift myself up even though I try to tell myself all the things in the world, it's crushing to think he still treats me like this, he just doesn't control his reaction, because I feel we're so close. It's super frustrating to deal with and it makes me mad at him tbh. It also makes me mad that I can never even say things to him because there's this crippling fear and anxiety that he'd be upset, that maybe its not the way I think it happened (but thats not the case, it's what he lied to me about, which confused me and didnt fix anything)... a ton of thoughts and it just makes it hard to tell him. Though I have times when I can tell him things and he's more tolerant lately to them so he doesn't straight want to split up or does split up. He loathes conflict and doesn't get its importance, or just how tough it would be to avoid them since we are the people that we are. Or maybe he does, just dislikes it.

He presents himself like a super smart strong person and me like a mediocre one which he "would not follow" because I'm not special enough to stand out in the crowd (which I actively avoid and deem it fighting against the urge to feel special and letting others shine through and observing them, learning), while I just think he's really human. He's still not moved on from his bestest friend ever and crush, who has died (as well as many of his close people), which drove him into a depression lasting years and years and getting worse even now.

He really seems human, because facts vs. his talk kind of pale out. He's so bad at keeping promises, even when he offers them himself, even given his past failures. Maybe that's just because he keeps trying. He's disabled big time and more and more I notice it's something I must come to terms with even though hes hopping over challenges like a trained stallion and conquering them even when hes out of hope. What I don't get and is the worst thing is his lies. He lies a lot. And sometimes he confesses he lied. Once he lied again about the same thing, being quite frightening that I just gave in and believed it. But I often put my trust in him despite my better judgement, and it feels like betrayal in the area of his own self. It drives me mad, like I try to fix things and he gives me false facts. "Are you helping here or are you against me?" kind of feeling. It's totally unnecessary. I don't even know what to make of it, is this an uncommon way to fix things that bother me? Or is this just his high ego and his issues and he just rather blame me when he lies and then confess about his lie. Which I guess wouldn't be that bad since he acknowledges it and eventually comes clean. I just don't get why he has to lie so much, is this an autist thing, not understanding or caring much about the mainstream rules? He's quite chaotic sometimes, he has his own path he follows even if he could fix/do things the proper way and easier. Then other times he seems like a cheeky teenager. Joking at the wrong time, joking about the wrong things, stressful. He's 5 years younger so that should explain some of his playfulness though it tires me and affects my mood, quite testing the limit. I will be blunt with him sometimes, which he mostly tolerates. Quite proud of him in enough areas, as well as he's improved so much. He used to almost slay me if I wanted cuddles, wipe me off the face of earth, or just from his life, but he cuddles me even without me asking now, hes just a cuddle monster, omg! This man is incredible. Save me!!!
 
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...This is really complex but I want to encourage you that there is one major issue that screams at me from your post. You seem to need support and validation that you are not getting. Who is supporting you through this time? Family? Friends? Others in the Autism community? Let's start there...
 
All friends I talk to are on the spectrum. I'm very fascinated with them but it can be hard because the support they are able to give is limited. I nurture myself, and I usually avoid asking for support, because I prefer to just not complicate my state and have to explain a lot and get frustrated. I crave to be admired but I didn't crave it before I actually knew my boyfriend felt that way about me. I was certain, in fact I still am, because I always strive very high, I work a lot on my progress mentally, but it's a letdown he doesn't feel the same. He has high standards and expectations, maybe too high for me currently. I know who I am, I wish he would see all the reasons to love me though, and the fact I try to stand out through a different way than he expects one to.
...This is really complex but I want to encourage you that there is one major issue that screams at me from your post. You seem to need support and validation that you are not getting. Who is supporting you through this time? Family? Friends? Others in the Autism community? Let's start there...
 
I can't easily talk about his autism with him because he gets veeeery unstable and tells me I'm trying to treat him like a patient rather than a lover (it's totally not my intention, just very hard to find a way to discuss and I think hes not liking the topic itself)


My AS boyfriend is about the same. He's admitted to me that when he was younger he was told he had Asperger's but now whenever I bring it up he gets very heated and mad claiming he grew out of his Asperger's and it doesn't effect him anymore (yeah...right. Asperger's is a lifetime thing.) Anyways, yeah he's about the same. He hates being compared to other people on the spectrum and I think he feels like I'm treating him as if he's dumb or something whenever I bring it up. Overall he just hates being compared to others really.

I wished he would accept his Asperger's, so it would allow him to open his mind more when it comes to appoarching new methods on how to solve the misunderstanding we have a lot of the times. We used to fight a lot and have a lot of misunderstands when we first met and first started dating. He has a hard time understanding his emotions, especially when he's having them. He can't tell at times when he's displaying his anger out on people. He normally starts projecting his feelings onto other people, especially me. When I try to point out he's mad, he'll be like " I'm not the one being huffy, YOU'RE the one being huffy." I've learned to grow used to this so I just let it ride out till he calms down and then I point it out to him and try to get to the root of his emotions/issues. He likes to keep a lot of stuff in and not tell nobody.

As far as promises go, my bf's about the same. He'll talk a really big game about doing things, plans with me, buying me stuff/treating me, etc, but it rarely goes through with him, or things "come up", or he forgets. So by now I really stop expecting much from him as to avoid letting myself get disappointed, cause if I try to bring it up, it only upsets him or he calls me 'high maintenance' when I'm not.

When it comes to your bf being impatient, and misunderstanding, perhaps it's the way you're going about your statements. With my bf, I've grown to realize he prefers if we talk with straight to the point/logically statements, avoiding too much small talk after awhile and avoiding talking about things he barely has interest in, cause otherwise he will give me very short length responses. He doesn't like to feel "forced" to talk, so he'll mostly only talk if he really has something he wants to share. People with AS can come off as rude at times, but that's just them being blunt and truthful about how they feel. Most tend to not sugarcoat a lot of stuff, or atleast not always, so it's to be expected for them to be pretty blunt at times. Try not to take it too personal.

My bf also has a high ego at times, acting like he's something special as well a lot of the times. He'll often make comments just about every time he comes back from running errands, saying that some chick was eyeballing him and looking him up and down (In his mind he always thinks people are checking him out like he's so attractive, in my mind, I think they're just looking at him like a normal person lol.) At first he often loved talking about how great he is, but I've gotten him to tone that down finally as I often pull him off his high horse to join us mere humans back down on leveled ground. I think he secretly enjoys that.

As far for the lying, it's normally unusual for people on the spectrum to lie a lot, or on purpose but there are a few that do quite often from what I read. I'm sure they have their reasons, but you'll only find that out by talking to them deeply about it or what the root of their need to constantly lie is, just like NT's. This is also why some with AS are often confused as Sociopaths as they do share some of the same traits of it : "A sociopath can be defined as a person who has Antisocial Personality Disorder. This disorder is characterized by a disregard for the feelings of others, a lack of remorse or shame, manipulative behavior, unchecked egocentricity, and the ability to lie in order to achieve one's goals."

Truthfully I thought my bf as a sociopath due to his egocentric self (always making things about him and how "special/different" he is), always making promises to get you to do stuff for him, and then never carrying through on it (feeling as if he's manipulative.) And then him projecting his own feelings on me, and acting like it wasn't him with anger, and not showing much attention or affection towards me. But now that I know he has AS, it all makes sense now. I've done my research and listened to him and now know how to apporach him better and understand a bit on the reasons why he does some of the things he does.

You just got to sit down and have some more talks with you bf to see what the root of the lying is coming from.
 
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All friends I talk to are on the spectrum. I'm very fascinated with them but it can be hard because the support they are able to give is limited. I nurture myself, and I usually avoid asking for support, because I prefer to just not complicate my state and have to explain a lot and get frustrated. I crave to be admired but I didn't crave it before I actually knew my boyfriend felt that way about me. I was certain, in fact I still am, because I always strive very high, I work a lot on my progress mentally, but it's a letdown he doesn't feel the same. He has high standards and expectations, maybe too high for me currently. I know who I am, I wish he would see all the reasons to love me though, and the fact I try to stand out through a different way than he expects one to.


This is something else I've grown used to as well. My bf is very very low maintenance, or as he puts it, meaning that he doesn't need much affections or attention from a partner. And the partners before me were apparently "low maintenance" as in they didn't expect much from him. He views me as "high maintenance' when it comes to my needs, even tho to a NT, I'm normal maintenance, or atleast from what I was told and being truthful in how I view myself. All I ask for is a normal amount of affection and attention from him. Yes I do want some time to do things with him, cuddle, watch things together, etc, but do I need that all the time? No. I'm an independent person and I know how to handle being by myself and take care of myself.

Anyways, him being used to 'low maintenance" partners, let him think he didn't need to give much affection at all. With this I had to address this to him several times, that I would like for him to give me a middle amount of affections in our day to day lives. Finally I think he's starting to get it as he now does more check ups on me and asks me more on how my day was and how I'm doing. He shows more affections as well and this I'm happy with. But yes there are still times he lacks showing me emotional support, since most with AS (or atleast most males with AS from what I noticed) have problems dealing with emotional things or just don't enjoy being in situations having to do with emotions. They often get confused on what to do to help and often do the complete opposite on what you're expecting them to do compared to a NT person. So that's to be expected, and most likely have to get a deeper emotional support from NT friends or family.
 
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My AS boyfriend is about the same. He's admitted to me that when he was younger he was told he had Asperger's but now whenever I bring it up he gets very heated and mad claiming he grew out of his Asperger's and it doesn't effect him anymore (yeah...right. Asperger's is a lifetime thing.) Anyways, yeah he's about the same. He hates being compared to other people on the spectrum and I think he feels like I'm treating him as if he's dumb or something whenever I bring it up. Overall he just hates being compared to others really.

Mine hates being treated like a person with a label (and hes not the only one, I had a friend who had the exact reaction to labels specifically, and he loathed to know he reacted so much like my boyfriend but that was so true!), he prefers being treated as himself, even though he acknowledges he has differences and he sometimes tells me he is wired differently when I get confused with something. He used to hate when I'd ask things I'd learn here to see if it's his case too! I'm guessing he just couldn't handle thinking of sharing some behavior with another person on the spectrum. Maybe because he thought I didn't get it that they are very different people even if they have the same symptoms, or just a strong dislike of me actually telling him where I got the information from. He still dislikes that I hang around here and possibly because we had arguments because of me asking him more things than usually about his autism, and maybe fears because my former aspie best friend told me he's being an asshole when he wasn't meaning to be one, which was a big letdown.

I also used to think, I proposed him to take a test of psychopathy, and he refused, as well as he refused to take an IQ test or do math. Many of my autist friends struggle with math cept my ex, she liked doing math in her head in seconds. He just weirdly seems to be very humble and at times very egocentric. Maybe his bipolar mania has to do with it even though he states he's been depressed for years and that could mean he wouldn't have phases of mania. He's been very unmotivated to craft, create and even play his beloved games, and sadly it's getting worse.

I wished he would accept his Asperger's, so it would allow him to open his mind more when it comes to appoarching new methods on how to solve the misunderstanding we have a lot of the times. We used to fight a lot and have a lot of misunderstands when we first met and first started dating. He has a hard time understanding his emotions, especially when he's having them. He can't tell at times when he's displaying his anger out on people. He normally starts projecting his feelings onto other people, especially me. When I try to point out he's mad, he'll be like " I'm not the one being huffy, YOU'RE the one being huffy." I've learned to grow used to this so I just let it ride out till he calms down and then I point it out to him and try to get to the root of his emotions/issues. He likes to keep a lot of stuff in and not tell nobody.

wE FOUGHT SO MUCH, IT'S BEEN THE TOUGHEST TIME IN OUR LIFE FOR BOTH OF US WHEN WE first started dating. Sorry about the caps, I'm not gonna go back and fix it though... xD Whoops! I was doing the quote thing which apparently needs Caps Lock to be on on this site.


As far as promises go, my bf's about the same. He'll talk a really big game about doing things, plans with me, buying me stuff/treating me, etc, but it rarely goes through with him, or things "come up", or he forgets. So by now I really stop expecting much from him as to avoid letting myself get disappointed, cause if I try to bring it up, it only upsets him or he calls me 'high maintenance' when I'm not.
Oh, mine never asks for anything, which has been a problem! Most things we do is cuddle and him share stuff, cause if i do, you prolly know all about that story... xD Which is boring, I have an urge to have fun together, do stuff together and having an old comp i cant play with him the games he can! Though recently he started asking to watch anime with me which has been a great experience. He asks it too much sometimes cause I need time to socialize and interact with things after watching something and to actively affect something myself.


When it comes to your bf being impatient, and misunderstanding, perhaps it's the way you're going about your statements. With my bf, I've grown to realize he prefers if we talk with straight to the point/logically statements, avoiding too much small talk after awhile and avoiding talking about things he barely has interest in, cause otherwise he will give me very short length responses. He doesn't like to feel "forced" to talk, so he'll mostly only talk if he really has something he wants to share. People with AS can come off as rude at times, but that's just them being blunt and truthful about how they feel. Most tend to not sugarcoat a lot of stuff, or atleast not always, so it's to be expected for them to be pretty blunt at times. Try not to take it too personal.
He totally ignores me depending on the topic of me wanting to talk serious business with him. Lately he has little to add, just so I wouldnt think he ignores me. He also feels very anxious about fights taking place, so that's a reason, and that's also a reason for the fact he doesn't want to speak through calls with me, being long distance, I want to take that step too. He did that 3 times in this 1 year and 3 months and 2 times of it he was outside surrounded by friends or family members. I think he feels better that way.

My bf also has a high ego at times, acting like he's something special as well a lot of the times. He'll often make comments just about every time he comes back from running errands, saying that some chick was eyeballing him and looking him up and down (In his mind he always thinks people are checking him out like he's so attractive, in my mind, I think they're just looking at him like a normal person lol.) At first he often loved talking about how great he is, but I've gotten him to tone that down finally as I often pull him off his high horse to join us mere humans back down on leveled ground. I think he secretly enjoys that.
Wow, mine just says things that others think hes moaning at them, and lets others very close, pets girls' faces which used to bother me and I told him, he lowered that behavior (I think) but now people just think hes single and flirt a lot with him. And he doesnt tell them anything unless straight out they ask him out or ask him to do dirty stuff with them. I was cuddling him and this girl just asked him to make out with her... yeah it happens all the time! They just wanna claw him straight out of my arms!

As far for the lying, it's normally unusual for people on the spectrum to lie a lot, or on purpose but there are a few that do quite often from what I read. I'm sure they have their reasons, but you'll only find that out by talking to them deeply about it or what the root of their need to constantly lie is, just like NT's. This is also why some with AS are often confused as Sociopaths as they do share some of the same traits of it : "A sociopath can be defined as a person who has Antisocial Personality Disorder. This disorder is characterized by a disregard for the feelings of others, a lack of remorse or shame, manipulative behavior, unchecked egocentricity, and the ability to lie in order to achieve one's goals."
Don't even get me started on this! I used to question him about being a psychopath and ask him to take a test since he's never done it, thing which he refused and said a completely unproper thing which made me feel he was pointing to my past with sociopath and psychopath exes repeating! I sure hope I misunderstood what he meant to say, it was so weird and worrying. It was like im admitting he was. ._.

Truthfully I thought my bf as a sociopath due to his egocentric self (always making things about him and how "special/different" he is), always making promises to get you to do stuff for him, and then never carrying through on it (feeling as if he's manipulative.) And then him projecting his own feelings on me, and acting like it wasn't him with anger, and not showing much attention or affection towards me. But now that I know he has AS, it all makes sense now. I've done my research and listened to him and now know how to apporach him better and understand a bit on the reasons why he does some of the things he does.
I made lists on how to behave around him, but everything I tried at first, he'd react the same. He had no idea himself what he needed, comes out I'd have much better results if I did things the way he told me NOT TO do and followed my own judgement. Helps also in my case cause he lies.
 
Its hard to get too deep in this, but just a sense I get is that this person is not a positive thing for you. A general rule I follow is to avoid negativity in people. I might have to deal with them in a minimum fashion at work, etc, but I do not maintain friendships/relationships with them. Life is tough enough without someone hammering at you day in/day out. Try and find thoughtful/kind people instead.
 
This is something else I've grown used to as well. My bf is very very low maintenance, or as he puts it, meaning that he doesn't need much affections or attention from a partner. And the partners before me were apparently "low maintenance" as in they didn't expect much from him. He views me as "high maintenance' when it comes to my needs, even tho to a NT, I'm normal maintenance, or atleast from what I was told and being truthful in how I view myself. All I ask for is a normal amount of affection and attention from him. Yes I do want some time to do things with him, cuddle, watch things together, etc, but do I need that all the time? No. I'm an independent person and I know how to handle being by myself and take care of myself.
(BTW dont miss my post above in reply to you)
Mine told me his exes never fought with him, or it was very low. So he expected me to never fight or talk serious topics about our relationship, which was a high expectation for any relationship especially one like this.
Now he tells me I enjoy this much more than he does, which basically means he enjoys this much less than I do, as well as I'm much more involved emotionally, and explaining that, he said I'm emotional. Also apparently here's nothing I can do to make this better, he just feels this way.

He says things that are unnecessary unasked at the worst moments when we're already in the process of dealing with something and discussing it. It makes me even more sad and worried, hopeless. I think this was because he thought I prefer it when im already sad to hear those things, which is the way he told me how he prefers it, since he cant pick himself up easily from a low mood and he'd rather not ruin his good mood (this is probably because of his bipolar).

Anyways, him being used to 'low maintenance" partners, let him think he didn't need to give much affection at all. With this I had to address this to him several times, that I would like for him to give me a middle amount of affections in our day to day lives. Finally I think he's starting to get it as he now does more check ups on me and asks me more on how my day was and how I'm doing. He shows more affections as well and this I'm happy with. But yes there are still times he lacks showing me emotional support, since most with AS (or atleast most males with AS from what I noticed) have problems dealing with emotional things or just don't enjoy being in situations having to do with emotions. They often get confused on what to do to help and often do the complete opposite on what you're expecting them to do compared to a NT person. So that's to be expected, and most likely have to get a deeper emotional support from NT friends or family.
One guy on this site said autists also have a hard time controlling themselves, like when they get heated/angry and react suddenly. So they just act based on emotions, makes sense if you think about them having a hard time even realizing they're angry with something, or that later on they apologize and understand it.
 
Its hard to get too deep in this, but just a sense I get is that this person is not a positive thing for you. A general rule I follow is to avoid negativity in people. I might have to deal with them in a minimum fashion at work, etc, but I do not maintain friendships/relationships with them. Life is tough enough without someone hammering at you day in/day out. Try and find thoughtful/kind people instead.

I admit I feel this way many times about him, but as much as I'm a pretty unfit choice for him, he is one too for me. Our interests and dislikes are very opposed something which we learned to deal with. This was the reason we split multiple times, but now we've managed to work it out quite well compared to the past.
I have no intention of splitting up anymore (the only reason I did so was because he said he cant take it anymore, and he asked if we can be together again and be on a break instead of a breakup, which impressed me because I didn't think he would want to be with me as much as to do such a thing. He said if hed have waited longer it would have gotten harder to ask for it, and he started feeling he couldnt take it if i would start seeing someone else, which he never felt before for anyone) and he confessed neither does he want to ever split again, though he has doubts and fears and isn't ready yet for anything like meeting in real life or marriage, though he wants to work toward it.

I want to grow old with him, and I want to fight the challenges even though I know our health is endangered. It worries me, but I just want him so much I feel I can do this forever despite the consequences.
 
Mine told me his exes never fought with him, or it was very low. So he expected me to never fight or talk serious topics about our relationship, which was a high expectation for any relationship especially one like this.
Now he tells me I enjoy this much more than he does, which basically means he enjoys this much less than I do, as well as I'm much more involved emotionally, and explaining that, he said I'm emotional. Also apparently here's nothing I can do to make this better, he just feels this way.

This leads me to think that both of our bf's are only saying this just to make us feel bad and force us to be 'low maintenance' so they don't have to put in more of an effort to fix anything about themselves. That's one thing I got angry about thinking, that he just expects me to be what? a doormat? a dog? Something that sits there quietly not needing anything or wanting anything from him and only be there when he's good and ready to appoarch/talk/hang? No, he's gonna have to get over that and know that this relationship is 50/50 and that abit of effort is going to need to be put in. That's just how relationships work. If they don't want to put in the effort in, then don't be in a relationship, simple as that. They can't expect to go into a relationship and expect their partner to want/need absolutely nothing from them, then what is the point of the relationship?
 
@Fallenwolf I understand your anger. However, you have to remember you’re not dating a NT. Yes, relationships are a two way street, but sometimes we can’t choose whether to be flexible about things or not.

Ask yourself if you would want to spend the rest of your life with your partner as they are right now. It’s normal to expect change and growth, but would you be happy if your partner doesn’t change in the way you expect them to change?

If you can’t accept the things your partner can’t or won’t change, you should get out of this relationship. And if you do choose to stay with your partner, you need to genuinely accept them.

I’m in no way saying your partners are without blame, I’m just saying to be realistic.
 
When I try to point out he's mad, he'll be like " I'm not the one being huffy, YOU'RE the one being huffy." I've

You're labelling his reality, calling him mad.
My voice raises when I'm enthusiastic,trying to get a point across.
Being labelled as mad when im not can make me mad.

Everything is not always the way you call it.


This leads me to think that both of our bf's are only saying this just to make us feel bad and force us to be 'low maintenance' so they don't have to put in more of an effort to fix anything about themselves.

That could be your own internal drama circle involving expectation.

If you define reality and label him you end up having a relationship with the label

Creating all sorts of dramas, as he may not uunderstand you, he certainly won't understand these labels.
An extra layer on top of reality which you've created for him to deal with.
Another way for him to not know how he has disappointed you.

Think of the statement 'high maintenance' from his position.


Isnt that what you're here for?

Lets see where you get with that.

Go with some old fashioned NT empathy.
 
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Asp thinking is often very different from NT thinking. To me as asp it seems strange and concerning that you are reporting such a lot of dissatisfaction with how your partner is but also say ing you hope to stay with him and grow old. To me the only way that could happen is if you stopped wanting him to be different from more or less how he is and started feeling happy with more or less how he is and enjoying your life with him and independently. You have to decide if that's possible. Ifor not this person isn't right for you. You could also focus more on yourself and see what you need to work on about and for yourself. Get a therapist. Work on yourself and see whether you want to be with him after you've done that.
 
@Fallenwolf I understand your anger. However, you have to remember you’re not dating a NT. Yes, relationships are a two way street, but sometimes we can’t choose whether to be flexible about things or not.

Ask yourself if you would want to spend the rest of your life with your partner as they are right now. It’s normal to expect change and growth, but would you be happy if your partner doesn’t change in the way you expect them to change?

If you can’t accept the things your partner can’t or won’t change, you should get out of this relationship. And if you do choose to stay with your partner, you need to genuinely accept them.

I’m in no way saying your partners are without blame, I’m just saying to be realistic.


With any relationship, NT or AS, I expect my partner to meet in the middle with some things. I don't see asking someone to treat me with a bit more respect, attention, instead of a doormat and expect me to sit there and never want anything, being too much to ask for. And so far with my partner he has gotten a lot better over time and I hope it continues to get better. With the progress he's making, this shows me this is something he can change and be flexible with.
 
You're labelling his reality, calling him mad.
My voice raises when I'm enthusiastic,trying to get a point across.
Being labelled as mad when im not can make me mad.

Everything is not always the way you call it.


I can tell he's mad by the way he gets defensive and the certain words he uses on top of his facial expresses and body language, not just by a raised voice.


That could be your own internal drama circle involving expectation.

If you define reality and label him you end up having a relationship with the label

Creating all sorts of dramas, as he may not uunderstand you, he certainly won't understand these labels.
An extra layer on top of reality which you've created for him to deal with.
Another way for him to not know how he has disappointed you.

Think of the statement 'high maintenance' from his position.


Isnt that what you're here for?

Lets see where you get with that.

Go with some old fashioned NT empathy.



I've already put myself in his shoes, and if what he says is true, then yes, I'm just not as "low maintenace" as his other partners, right off the bat. We've already talk, and I"ve already started adjusting and trying to tone down a lot of things to meet him in the middle. I'm willing to change some aspects of myself to meet my partner in the middle, I don't see why my partner can't do a bit of that in exchange. Equivalent exchange. Am I expecting change over night? No, I'm well aware it will take time.
 
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I can tell he's mad by the way he gets defensive and the certain words he uses on top of his facial expresses and body language, not just by a raised voice.

Youre right 100% of the time right?

I didnt think I needed to go into all the additional posturing on what. constitutes a represenation of anger.
You're putting legs on a snake.

He'll get defensive - meaning you've said something to him first!
You may be causing it and not know why then making it worse.


I've already put myself in his shoes

Maybe sometimes. Youre not right 100% of the time are you?

From my position, more from that of asd, you haven't represented putting yourself in an asd mindset ie his shoes.

Hence my post.

Then maybe represent it from his view, which you havent done only stated that you understood.

Why has he got defensive? What did you say?

How did the conversation go so that you have labelled him as angry..


Note the two points I made you dismissed.
Perhaps I know how he feels.

My feeling is you didnt understand my point.

Asd can provide a consistently different frame of thought, so I thought your answer could be a little representative of the neurological differences in approach.

Up to you if you want to re-think it. But I feel there is a different understanding that can be applied to the situation, with a different approach.
 
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With any relationship, NT or AS, I expect my partner to meet in the middle with some things. I don't see asking someone to treat me with a bit more respect, attention, instead of a doormat and expect me to sit there and never want anything, being too much to ask for. And so far with my partner he has gotten a lot better over time and I hope it continues to get better. With the progress he's making, this shows me this is something he can change and be flexible with.
I’m not saying you should accept being treated like a doormat. I’m saying you guys should break it off if you’re as unhappy as you claim to be.
 
I can tell he's mad by the way he gets defensive and the certain words he uses on top of his facial expresses and body language, not just by a raised voice.






I've already put myself in his shoes, and if what he says is true, then yes, I'm just not as "low maintenace" as his other partners, right off the bat. We've already talk, and I"ve already started adjusting and trying to tone down a lot of things to meet him in the middle. I'm willing to change some aspects of myself to meet my partner in the middle, I don't see why my partner can't do a bit of that in exchange. Equivalent exchange. Am I expecting change over night? No, I'm well aware it will take time.

I know it's angering and it's good to let out your emotions, but I want you to think about the fact that there are worse cases I've listened to than ours. Somebody expected his girlfriend not to chew because he hated the noise, and her change in eating affected her health, weight. I'm really glad he's begun to improve, mine has too. I just don't know how to make him feel good though, because certainly he feels he's let me down. We have to constantly remind ourselves that they aren't trying to make us unhappy or use us, they're just simple humans full of issues and incapabilities due to autism. I sometimes think that he is a crocodile on the outside and inside he's a bunny and he can't express it or show how much he cares, or understand many things. Sometimes it makes me feel like he's so disabled and kind of pity him. But every time he manages to impress me. There is hope. I really think they genuinely love us, and that's why they try so hard to change. I can't imagine what anxiety he gets every time he needs to change or do any task that's normal to me. But just thinking of his internal struggle helps me understand him better. I forget this, and need to be reminded sometimes, and other times the anger I accumulate doesn't let me easily accept that he indeed didn't intend to harm me, and he was only relaxing, not trying to mask his behavior so I would feel loved, and so it would seem acceptable to me.

I'm 70% sure he indeed was angry. Mine lies about it but then confesses and I have to follow my gut feelings to acknowledge his feelings. He cant detect how he feels but later he knows it. Even for NTs this is hard, and change in itself is hard. If he takes time to read his own feelings, then I cant expect him to really change about being very touchy, jumpy and reacting instinctively even without him being aware what his feelings are in that moment. It is possible he could change but chances are slim, its a very tough thing to ask, so I just want to accept him as he is, it will help me and if he manages to improve then thats a nice surprise. He does work on his own now, I know because I feel I don't have to ask, he is mostly aware, and for things he is not I will try to discuss.
 
Youre right 100% of the time right?

I didnt think I needed to go into all the additional posturing on what. constitutes a represenation of anger.
You're putting legs on a snake.

He'll get defensive - meaning you've said something to him first!
You may be causing it and not know why then making it worse.




Maybe sometimes. Youre not right 100% of the time are you?

From my position, more from that of asd, you haven't represented putting yourself in an asd mindset ie his shoes.

Hence my post.

Then maybe represent it from his view, which you havent done only stated that you understood.

Why has he got defensive? What did you say?

How did the conversation go so that you have labelled him as angry..


Note the two points I made you dismissed.
Perhaps I know how he feels.

My feeling is you didnt understand my point.

Asd can provide a consistently different frame of thought, so I thought your answer could be a little representative of the neurological differences in approach.

Up to you if you want to re-think it. But I feel there is a different understanding that can be applied to the situation, with a different approach.


Is anyone 100% right all the time? No. And are there times where he's actually mad before I pointed it out, Yes there is and he's admitted it. This happens pretty often with him, so thus I get use to the pattern. He had times where he doesn't understand his current emotions that he's displaying and even with his friends, they point it out and he admits that he didn't realize what he was doing/how he was actually feeling till later.

Can I fully put myself into the mindset with someone with Asperger's 100%? No I can't, that's impossible, it's about the same as asking someone with Asperger's to fully put and understand the mindset of someone of NT.

I digress, I understand your points, and yes prehaps there are times where he isn't mad at all and I assume he is from other things or words he uses. Once he explains that he's not, then I just move on with the conversation and that's it.
 
Then you have to keep in mind they cant always control themselves like we do. I know it's an unfair relationship and from all the research I've done for him it's like I shouldn't ask any of those from him. It's really not a normal relationship at all and if I want to stay, like they say, I really have to accept and understand it and try to be happy because he does want me to be happy.
 

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