NT struggling to understand ASD partner's behaviour

[Mariana Trench]

Hi.
I've been living with my boyfriend of 4 years. I have realised that a few things about him, that I initially thought were temporary/situational, are permanent features of his personality. These are things that would be a cause for concern for most people but I am unsure if this is true in his case, that is why I want advice from other people with ASD who may have more insight than I do.

The things that concern me are:
(i) he doesn't seek out any in-person social interaction/ friendships.
(ii) he says he doesn't enjoy being around people unless he is drunk.
(iii) he doesn't have any in-person social relationships outside of me or the people he interacts with through me (i.e. through me arranging for us to go out with others).

First off, I do not personally mind his anti-social behaviour as it doesn't effect me too much. He is very kind to me and when I ask him to come along to social events he will come for my benefit even if he'd rather be doing something alone. It is kind of sad that he gets very drunk when it's not really appropriate for the situation but that's about it. This thread isn't about me or what I want in a partner etc. I just want to understand whether or not I should be encouraging him to be more social for his own good.

People need a social support system, even a small one, for practical reasons as well as emotional support. I figured, even if he doesn't get much fulfilment out of socialising, surely it is bad to be disconnected in case something goes wrong. He has support from me and the family that I talk to, and a few friends that I have introduced him too. Apart from that he only has contact with one family member (his mother) and they are not close, it's more like he tolerates her (she isn't the best person to have as a support system either). It scares me to think that if the two of us were not together he'd be alone in the world. Anyway, I don't know what to do or if there is something I should do at all. I would really appreciate advice from other people on the spectrum that have insight or maybe can relate to him and understand his behaviour.

My worry is that his behaviour is a product of his fear of social situations, like maybe he is nervous and he finds them difficult but secretly feels lonely and wants friends? I have asked him and he says that he finds social situations boring and that he doesn't get any benefit from them. As I said, I don't know. I realise that he is different to me and even though I might hate to be alone, it might not affect him. But, if he is self-deceptive, I want to know so that I can be supportive to him to become more integrated.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks for reading

 

[Darkkin]

There is a difference between antisocial behavior and introversion...big difference. DO NOT use them interchangeably.

A couple of well written books on the subject:

Quiet by Susan Cain
Introvert Powet by Laura Helgoe

Understand the personality archetype and its perspective before trying to force a possibly catastrophic social change. Introversion is the dominant personality type among autistics to assume otherwise is reckless.

And when in doubt, be honest. Ask. Don't assume. Direct communication is amazingly effective.

 

[Misery]

(i) he doesn't seek out any in-person social interaction/ friendships.
(ii) he says he doesn't enjoy being around people unless he is drunk.
(iii) he doesn't have any in-person social relationships outside of me or the people he interacts with through me (i.e. through me arranging for us to go out with others).

These things here are familiar to me. Well, not the drinking part, I dont drink, but other than that, yes. This bit, I understand.

And honestly it's hard to explain to most anyone who has what might be considered normal social desires/needs. Like, I can go for many, many days, with my only "social" interactions being on here (which is only a few minutes a day as I type and read very fast) or with immediate family (father & stepmother) and my dogs, and that's seriously it.

For many, that would be... not a good situation. Only talking to immediate family and distant internet people? Particularly considering that even at home I'm usually in my section of the house alone. For me though, it's preferred. And someone trying to pull me out of it or get me into an unusual situation is probably going to have a rather bad day.

I have asked him and he says that he finds social situations boring and that he doesn't get any benefit from them.

Aye, pretty much the same here. I dont know how he sees it *exactly* but for me at least, part of why it's boring is that I just dont see the bloody point most of the time. It's typically just a bunch of endless yapping, and the most frequently chosen subjects of conversation tend to be... uh... let's just call them "not good". If I have to listen to just one more bloody political discussion, or one more craaaaaaaaazy story about how some random friend I've never heard of did something in a relationship with some other doofus, I'll go out of my mind. I mean, really, it often feels like nobody can talk about anything else other than subjects of that sort. I really cant think of much that is more spectacularly boring than all of that, so... yeah I just dont bother with it. Why do that when I could do absolutely any other freaking thing?

And even typing that out now I recognize that this likely sounds like nonsense to someone who isnt on the spectrum... my family doesnt really understand me on this one either (but they accept it at least). But it's really the best way I can explain it.

But also, the "need" to socialize just... isnt there. It isnt required. Not to the extent that it is for most.


That's my experience with it anyway. But it's impossible to say how exactly that would compare to his. Honestly the only place you can truly get the deepest details is directly from him. Particularly since everyone on the spectrum can be so incredibly varied.

 

[Aspychata]

Confused to why you feel that being alone is a issue? Not all of us strive for constant social interaction. I have lived on my own for many years until l married.

I have nothing but great feelings of what l did and only answering to myself. I also have been extremely independent.

Being on the spectrum is hard enough without throwing a bunch of people at us or expecting us to crave contact. Our interests guide us, and people interest isn't a requirement.

It's great you are trying to understand what makes him tick and what his requirements are which maybe different than yours. Viva la difference!

 

[Mariana Trench]

There is a difference between antisocial behavior and introversion...big difference. DO NOT use them interchangeably.

A couple of well written books on the subject:

Quiet by Susan Cain
Introvert Powet by Laura Helgoe

Understand the personality archetype and its perspective before trying to force a possibly catastrophic social change. Introversion is the dominant personality type among autistics to assume otherwise is reckless.

And when in doubt, be honest. Ask. Don't assume. Direct communication is amazingly effective.

Thanks for pointing that out, I realise now that anti-social has a different definition to what I thought it did. Looks like I've been using it incorrectly for a while!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The things that concern me are:
(i) he doesn't seek out any in-person social interaction/ friendships.
(ii) he says he doesn't enjoy being around people unless he is drunk.
(iii) he doesn't have any in-person social relationships outside of me or the people he interacts with through me (i.e. through me arranging for us to go out with others).

Autism 101

Checks all the boxes for me. I've been married for 36 years.

Add:
(1) Doesn't like talking on the phone.
(2) Doesn't like answering the door.
(3) Will leave the room while family talking. Too mentally draining. Unable to jump in/out of the conversation.
(4) What I am interested in, my wife is not,...and vice versa.
(5) Communicate directly. Never try to hint or speak in questions. Wife: "Why don't you mow the lawn?" Me: That's a question,...not a request or order. Don't ever do that. Wife: "Go out and mow the lawn." Me: Perfect. I understand now.

 

[Magna]

@Mariana Trench Welcome. Unless I missed it, is your boyfriend formally diagnosed with autism or are you saying you suspect based on the types of behaviors you indicated he has, that you think he's autistic?

If it's the latter, please use caution in diagnosing autism with the person you're in a relationship with. The reason for this:

• The number of people who come to autism support forums to say they've been in a relationship for "X" number of years, they're convinced their partner is autistic and...their relationship is amazing and wonderful is likely zero. I've never seen such a thing posted on any autism forum in six years that I recall.
• The number of people who come to autism support forums to say they've been in a relationship for "X" number of years, they're convinced their partner is autistic and...their relationship is bad to terrible and their "autistic" (ie suspected) partner is an equally terrible or bad person...it happens too often. Far and away, in most cases when the list of bad behaviors are given, those behaviors are absolutely either also attributable to percentage of NTs or those behaviors are attributable to various mental illnesses that are not related to and independent from autism.

There have been known autism hate sites on the internet whose purpose is to warn people (usually women) to avoid having relationships with autistic people (usually men) at any and all costs. Hate sites, because it's a fact that autistic people can not only make wonderful, caring and equally contributing partners in a relationship, they can also do so when their partner is an NT. My wife and I are such an example.

I know you're not saying these exact words, and perhaps you have no feelings even remotely similar to the following, but in short the too common and unfortunate posts in effect often are saying:

"My partner is bad, terrible, etc and is making my life hell. I think he/she is autistic. Could that be the reason they're so bad, terrible, etc and are making my life hell?"

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Mariana Trench

I think you are putting your neurotypical value system on him. Some autistics are totally fine being absolutely left alone, and without a social support system. Some do not get lonely. Some do not "need" people in their lives. I am one of those people,...so, I tell my wife two things,...if I am with you, it's because I WANT to be with you,...I love you in my way. Two,..if you are not happy,...the door is open,...I love you enough to let you go and be happy,...and I will be totally fine. To some, this may be a strange way to think of things,...but make no doubt,...there are NO controlling behaviors in our relationship. She has her own money. I have mine. We'll both be OK. So, I know she loves me. She knows I love her. It works.

 

[Thinx]

It does seem like he is an introvert, and his saying he gets nothing out of socialising and finds it pointless and boring would be a typical experience of many with autism. We are differently wired. Yes I agree there's then a dilemma, as it does mean we can get isolated and with little support. But what to do? Currently he fortunately has you.

Although it's both light hearted and not necessarily typical of all or most with autism, maybe read Graeme Simsions book, The Rosie Project and it's 2 sequels for some ideas about how autism ASD1 can be. We mostly need a reason to socialise even if we do so.

Personally I always need a reason for anything I do. And it also has to be in my range of things I can do. Unstructured social interaction isn't. A class or a common interest would be my way to meet people. Or a therapy event or work.

 

[Tom]

A few autistics on this type forum have mentioned using drinking as a way for handling socializing. Personally I think that is unhealthy and would wish otherwise for them, but at the same have my own habit that I have always leaned on heavily to get thru life (nicotine). I can vouch for socializing being a difficult - very difficult thing for us to participate in. Even very simple things can be surprizingly hard. For some the difficulty is a constant and for others it can periods of waxing and waning, or shift over time. Boredom is a factor no doubt with some autistics, as our interests can be very specific but I believe anxiety is more often a main factor. People on the spectrum do I think usually have some need for social interaction, but it can be far less then for NTs.

 

[Alexej]

Hi and Welcome @Mariana Trench

 

[Judge]

The reality here for the OP to understand is that it is she who must ultimately adjust to who and what he is if she truly wants to sustain the relationship. Likely requiring some sense of sacrifice where an NT may have to give more than they may be prepared to give to make it all work. Where you have to abandon such ambitions of changing us to fit a neurotypical world. That we aren't "nuts to be cracked". Don't even go there. And that if she is unable or unwilling to do so, no harm or foul in ending such a relationship. That attempting to mold someone on the spectrum into a someone who is not is simply a toxic notion.

In essence, neurologically "mixed" relationships are not for everyone.

For so many of us on the spectrum of autism, socialization whether perceived under positive or negative circumstances can be intensely stressful and exhausting for us. As if it were "social anxiety on steroids". Likely requiring a respite of sorts afterwards, which usually involves some routine of solitude. (Solitude being equivalent to the air we all breathe.)

And in our darkest hours where we may experience shutdowns- even meltdowns, as difficult as this may be to understand, is for their neurotypical partner to do only one thing to help them. -Nothing. That it's something that we must come out of on our own terms. Interfering even with the best and loving intentions will more likely makes matters worse.

This isn't about "attitude", but rather how we are in terms of being neurologically "hard-wired". You must either accept us for who and what we are, or walk away from us for both your emotional benefit and theirs as well. Without any guarantees that the process may also include you truly understanding us no matter how badly you may want to.

Keeping in mind that the reciprocal exists for us as well. That while your neurological group may amount to 98% of society, your thought processes you take for granted may be perpetually alien to us. Though personally I've always thought you can love someone without truly understanding them. That it's the ease of acceptance that can promote a relationship more than a struggle it may take to understand it.

 

[Mariana Trench]

@Mariana Trench Welcome. Unless I missed it, is your boyfriend formally diagnosed with autism or are you saying you suspect based on the types of behaviors you indicated he has, that you think he's autistic?

If it's the latter, please use caution in diagnosing autism with the person you're in a relationship with. The reason for this:

• The number of people who come to autism support forums to say they've been in a relationship for "X" number of years, they're convinced their partner is autistic and...their relationship is amazing and wonderful is likely zero. I've never seen such a thing posted on any autism forum in six years that I recall.
• The number of people who come to autism support forums to say they've been in a relationship for "X" number of years, they're convinced their partner is autistic and...their relationship is bad to terrible and their "autistic" (ie suspected) partner is an equally terrible or bad person...it happens too often. Far and away, in most cases when the list of bad behaviors are given, those behaviors are absolutely either also attributable to percentage of NTs or those behaviors are attributable to various mental illnesses that are not related to and independent from autism.

There have been known autism hate sites on the internet whose purpose is to warn people (usually women) to avoid having relationships with autistic people (usually men) at any and all costs. Hate sites, because it's a fact that autistic people can not only make wonderful, caring and equally contributing partners in a relationship, they can also do so when their partner is an NT. My wife and I are such an example.

I know you're not saying these exact words, and perhaps you have no feelings even remotely similar to the following, but in short the too common and unfortunate posts in effect often are saying:

"My partner is bad, terrible, etc and is making my life hell. I think he/she is autistic. Could that be the reason they're so bad, terrible, etc and are making my life hell?"

He's diagnosed. I understand where you're coming from though, I've seen a lot of what you're describing around the internet

 

[Mariana Trench]

The reality here for the OP to understand is that it is she who must ultimately adjust to who and what he is if she truly wants to sustain the relationship. Likely requiring some sense of sacrifice where an NT may have to give more than they may be prepared to give to make it all work. Where you have to abandon such ambitions of changing us to fit a neurotypical world. That we aren't "nuts to be cracked". Don't even go there. And that if she is unable or unwilling to do so, no harm or foul in ending such a relationship. That attempting to mold someone on the spectrum into a someone who is not is simply a toxic notion.

In essence, neurologically "mixed" relationships are not for everyone.

For so many of us on the spectrum of autism, socialization whether perceived under positive or negative circumstances can be intensely stressful and exhausting for us. As if it were "social anxiety on steroids". Likely requiring a respite of sorts afterwards, which usually involves some routine of solitude. (Solitude being equivalent to the air we all breathe.)

And in our darkest hours where we may experience shutdowns- even meltdowns, as difficult as this may be to understand, is for their neurotypical partner to do only one thing to help them. -Nothing. That it's something that we must come out of on our own terms. Interfering even with the best and loving intentions will more likely makes matters worse.

This isn't about "attitude", but rather how we are in terms of being neurologically "hard-wired". You must either accept us for who and what we are, or walk away from us for both your emotional benefit and theirs as well. Without any guarantees that the process may also include you truly understanding us no matter how badly you may want to.

Keeping in mind that the reciprocal exists for us as well. That while your neurological group may amount to 98% of society, your thought processes you take for granted may be perpetually alien to us. Though personally I've always thought you can love someone without truly understanding them. That it's the ease of acceptance that can promote a relationship more than a struggle it may take to understand it.

Thank you for your response.
We are both very accepting of each other and I don't think we clash much despite having different wiring. I've actually never been in such a good relationship before and I don't think there's really any adjusting that either of us need to do, we get on really well.

It's just the social thing really, but thats not something I need to adjust to. I just needed to know that his solitary ways were out of choice and not fear. The responses on this forum give me the impression that it is mostly a choice thing. Therefore I do not need to encourage him into anything. I think it's important to know, just I'm case. It's good to push people you care about into things that are good for them even if they don't like it. In his case I think he is genuinely happy in solitude and I'm fine with that.

 

[Judge]

I just needed to know that his solitary ways were out of choice and not fear.

From my own perspective I don't seek routine solitude out of fear or choice. It's something deeper. A neurological necessity. As I posted earlier, solitude for many of us amounts to the air we breathe.

So much for choice- or fear.

It's good to push people you care about into things that are good for them even if they don't like it.

Keep in mind that could amount to "going down a slippery slope" given what you perceive as pushing what may or may not "be good for them" versus what he may perceive.

What may seem obvious or natural to the ninety-eight percentile of society may not be the case for the less-than-two percent of us who have different, but not necessarily inferior thought processes.