NT partner and kissing/physical touch

[Purple_Bug]

Ok this is super personal but I need advice so here we go. If anyone can explain why my partners NT brain does as it does here and what I do about it that would be awesome.

I hate kissing most of the time. (Random times I’m into it but usually I’m doing it because I know partner likes it). It is not natural for me to touch my partner as I walk past him etc but he wants a stroke/pat/peck on the cheek. It feels really needy to me and I have to make a conscious effort to meet these needs in him.

the thing is I think I shouldn’t touch him unless I’m prepared to have sex. He says he just wants closeness it’s not about sex. But these behaviours are sexual to me regardless of what he says. So I do some of them and it just invites more touch from him at me. I clam up grow cold and he backs off for a while. I can clam up and stop it mid sex and he always stops. He is very respectful and safe this comes off that he pressures me but that is not the case. He thinks differently to me that’s all.

anyway when I’m clearly awkward or bluntly tell him don’t touch me he backs off. So I am able to relax and then feel grateful he backed off and might stroke his arm. Then he will give me a peck next time he walks past me!! So in my head I can’t stroke his arm because he will then invade my space with something like that.

I’ve told him all of this but he doesn’t understand how I feel. He is showing love with that kiss. He thinks he’s doing something nice for me. He seems to think I like stroking his arm? I dunno. I force myself to stroke his arm because I don’t mind doing it in the mood I’m in and I know he feels loved when I do. I have told him I dislike him responding in kind, it makes me uncomfortable, it has the opposite affect on me than it does on him. He seems to understand. So then I stroke his arm again and the cycle starts again!!!! It’s whenever he’s happy and feeling loved he gets like this. I hate it!!! I want him to be happy and feel loved that’s why I make an effort for him but it means he then will over the next few days invade my space and breath on me etc etc not trying to have sex but just showing his affection to make me feel loved?? It’s like his default when he feels loved to make me feel uncomfortable without thinking.

I have said all this to him worded a bit less upsetting for him to hear (I think!) but he doesn’t take it in. It’s like he thinks when I’m faking being ok with touching him that I suddenly want him to touch me back because that’s what NT do. I mask constantly all day long, so he really doesn’t see what I’m saying just hears me explain and doesn’t see how serious something is for me? I don’t understand his thinking! I understand it’s a normal response in a NT to touch back when feeling loved. But I don’t accept that excuse actually because the natural response for me personally is to never touch him unless I want sex and then I want to jump him with no forplay and just get it done. So I’m adapting for him and forcing my mind to understand how he feels. I want the same in return.

so yeah any advice here? How to I tell him “stop touching me in all these small affectionate ways in response to me doing it to you. I’m doing it to you because you said that makes you feel loved and I want you to feel loved but it doesn’t make me feel loved it makes me uncomfortable. Stop doing it!!”

there is definitely a resentment building now. I put in so much effort to conform to NT society and to understand NT thinking. It’s exhausting I never feel natural when I’m masking and I have to mask all the time. We have only lived together a year and I’m hating it- I feel like before my home was safe and I could be myself but now there is a NT here expecting me to conform to his NT ways (subconsciously he’s not nasty about it he just doesn’t think- but that’s what makes me resentful! He will never have to think about other’s feelings as much as I do to grasp them so why can’t he do this for me his most significant relationship?!) so I’m being forced to mask more than I did before and I don’t like it! If I have a conversation over this with him AGAIN he will back off fine but feel rejected and I hurt him. But then when I try to meet these affection needs for him next time he will act like I’ve ‘gotten over it’ that now my internal response will be NT so he treats me thus.

ahhhhghhh.

any advice? Anyone can relate? Any NT partners can give me tips on the words to use to drive this message home? And websites I should send him links too that would explain this stuff for him? Anything? I don’t want to end my relationship, and I’ve got an autistic son who has just adjusted to my partner being about and has formed a strong bond with him. I can’t be how I used to be with a constant stream of 2-3 year relationships.

 

[Aspychata]

The truth, do you really want the truth? It sounds like you have strong personal boundaries when it comes to your personal space and affection. Males are wired a little differently then females and they sorta roll with it. If you truly don't like doing displays of affection then you have to tell him. I don't like being affectionate unless we are in a lockhold doing *stuff*. Some forum member's here don't like personal touch for various reasons. Some complain of the physical touch, some complain of their physical space being invaded. Maybe work thru the emotions a little more then figure out specifically what you need to say to him. I try to keep an open mind and sense what that someone special is okay with. Because l value them and their space, then being respectful to their desires comes easy for me.

 

[onlything]

People have different needs, it's as simple and as complicated as that. I don't think it's only about differences in NT/ND wiring. Some people on this forum dislike being touched, some thrive when given touch. Neither is wrong. The thing is: he needs intimacy other than sex which to him means touching. Some people like touching and consider it nice. It's literally that. It's about showing that they love you through touch and fulfilling their own emotional needs.

I don't understand it myself but I'm also not from a very warm or touchy family. We always kept distance. But, it seems that some people do have that need. One told me it's like getting really cold and the touch being a tea that warms them up inside. Otherwise they just keep freezing and get miserable.

You definitely need to resolve this issue, be it through talking or couple therapy. Otherwise, you'll keep feeling like you're invaded and he'll keep feeling like you don't love him and like he's freezing a bit more with each day. It's a conflict of needs that will need a compromise to resolve. He needs to understand that too much touch makes you feel trapped. You need to understand that too little touch makes him feel cold.

Not sure how else to explain it. It's all feelings and no logic. They're difficult to understand.

 

[Wolfsage]

I'm someone who does and doesn't need touch. I hate being sick so don't like touching things for fear of getting sick. But I do need the feeling of it. Sometimes I just need to know it's okay and hugging someone I love helps that. It also helps when I'm not sure about my surrondings. This usually happens after I've been sick awhile. Nightmares will often happen while I'm asleep. I wake up unsure of where I am and feeling weak. I can't tell you how much touch means when your like that. It's like saying your alright your going to make it. This illness will pass.

 

[Purple_Bug]

People have different needs, it's as simple and as complicated as that. I don't think it's only about differences in NT/ND wiring. Some people on this forum dislike being touched, some thrive when given touch. Neither is wrong. The thing is: he needs intimacy other than sex which to him means touching. Some people like touching and consider it nice. It's literally that. It's about showing that they love you through touch and fulfilling their own emotional needs.

I don't understand it myself but I'm also not from a very warm or touchy family. We always kept distance. But, it seems that some people do have that need. One told me it's like getting really cold and the touch being a tea that warms them up inside. Otherwise they just keep freezing and get miserable.

You definitely need to resolve this issue, be it through talking or couple therapy. Otherwise, you'll keep feeling like you're invaded and he'll keep feeling like you don't love him and like he's freezing a bit more with each day. It's a conflict of needs that will need a compromise to resolve. He needs to understand that too much touch makes you feel trapped. You need to understand that too little touch makes him feel cold.

Not sure how else to explain it. It's all feelings and no logic. They're difficult to understand.

You understand what I’m trying to say though! I don’t understand why he can’t. I don’t like touch but can understand my partner does. But he can’t understand why I don’t and keeps pushing it like it’s something I will adjust to or realise suddenly I like. I’m supposed to be the one with difficulties in my executive function and theory of mind. But to me this is basic and he can’t get it. And it’s a theme with all my relationships. No one understands how someone might not like touch when they themselves do!

it’s so frustrating for me. I don’t know how to word it so he will understand. I can’t tell him every time I touch him “I’m doing this because I want you to feel love I don’t actually enjoy stroking you like a needy dog” that would be upsetting for him; but if I don’t remind him repeatedly not to surprise me with touch he will read my touching him as an invitation to touch me back. It’s so circular a problem and I’m being to think some nasty things about his intelligence/care for me because he just doesn’t understand what I’m saying no matter what I do

 

[Judge]

I don’t know how to word it so he will understand.

From my own experience with multiple relationships with Neurotypical women, IMO it won't matter how you choose to word your feelings on such an issue.

That ultimately he won't understand, and likely won't accept what you are attempting to communicate to him. In my own case I didn't mind such touching, provided the time was right. Which still made things difficult for both of us, resulting in an unintentional message being sent.

It's where if you are unable to compromise, expect your relationship to deteriorate further. There's a lot of issues where an NT partner may have pull more weight than is equitable. However this just isn't one of them IMO.

In essence there are some things that might be intellectually understood to no avail, because they can never truly be emotionally understood. A sad reality in terms of what I call "the neurological divide".

 

[Thinx]

I don't mind touch from a partner, but generally I avoid it. And I forget to reciprocate with touch, or initiate it, it just rarely occurs to me. I d guess your partner doesn't want to believe this is how you are, he thinks you'll change, because that might happen for some as they get more familiar with intimacy.

Maybe a way to communicate this further, would be to preface it with how much you love him and enjoy being with him, giving specifics, to reassure him, and add that you really wish the 2 of you could work out a way you could show affection without it being so touchy feely, as you don't, and never will, enjoy that.

It's tricky, as he may well feel rejected and disappointed.

 

[Giraffes]

I have a love for a N/D individual who shows love by .......... picking myself and my bike (i don't drive) in horrid weather, will buy me practical things i need, but the cuddles and touches of affection are'nt there so i get it i want a cuddle on the sofa, those sweet uterances of affection and for him nothing is given and i feel he has no ideas i want these things, but then he wants intimately and i feel ignored and angry, it's tricky seeing each others needs and perspectives.

 

[VictorR]

It sounds like your partner is good with observing the Golden Rule* - perhaps you might want to make clear your wishes and that you would like them to observe the Platinum Rule**, as you are?

*Golden Rule = Treat others as you wish to be treated
**Platinum Rule = Treat others as they wish to be treated

 

[Exbrewer]

It sounds like you separate love and sex. If sex as you describe it works for you both, how about redefining what designates love - maybe a fist bump rather that a kiss or a hug? How does your partner interact with your son on an emotional basis - could that help to explain how you yourself feel?

 

[Ursus Chainus]

Males are wired a little differently then females and they sorta roll with it.

Maybe NT males, lol!

I feel like I am more wired like a woman. I do happen to like these things but only with someone who can enjoy them with me. There are so many awesome things to do with another person that are not so touchy.

Women have definitely pushed my boundaries on some of this stuff... for sure!

I am fortunate in that I do like touch and closeness in some situations. I agree with VictorR on the platinum rule! It is really difficult to be in a relationship with an NT. Our society is built around them and their needs. There are expectations for physicality that are downright oppressive. I think you are in a good place because you clearly see what you need and want and what you don't want.

Here is what I would see if he is comfortable with:

You have to make the first move, he should not. Give him things he can do first that do not bother you. Set the boundaries. Nobody who does not follow your boundaries should be in your life.


Ok... strange theory here:

Autism is quite primal...
There is something primal I call "the dance". (The dance is the mating behavior of pre-humans but it applies to many intergender interactions)

Females initiate all contact and males are only allowed to invite it. This is the old pre-human way and honestly, it makes sense to me. Aspies are way more likely to follow "the dance" correctly. NTs are upside down with this. I dumped any NT woman who could not make the first move and let me know what she wanted. (Yeah... I ended up with a lot of narcissists but...)

The dance is why many aspie men are SCARED to death to approach women and many aspie women HATE being approached.

It is you. It is older than NTs and you have a right to choose what, when, where and how you want to be intimate.

At least this is the theory... but you have that right regardless of the validity of this theory.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe NT males, lol!

I feel like I am more wired like a woman. I do happen to like these things but only with someone who can enjoy them with me. There are so many awesome things to do with another person that are not so touchy.

Women have definitely pushed my boundaries on some of this stuff... for sure!

I am fortunate in that I do like touch and closeness in some situations. I agree with VictorR on the platinum rule! It is really difficult to be in a relationship with an NT. Our society is built around them and their needs. There are expectations for physicality that are downright oppressive. I think you are in a good place because you clearly see what you need and want and what you don't want.

Here is what I would see if he is comfortable with:

You have to make the first move, he should not. Give him things he can do first that do not bother you. Set the boundaries. Nobody who does not follow your boundaries should be in your life.


Ok... strange theory here:

Autism is quite primal...
There is something primal I call "the dance". (The dance is the mating behavior of pre-humans but it applies to many intergender interactions)

Females initiate all contact and males are only allowed to invite it. This is the old pre-human way and honestly, it makes sense to me. Aspies are way more likely to follow "the dance" correctly. NTs are upside down with this. I dumped any NT woman who could not make the first move and let me know what she wanted. (Yeah... I ended up with a lot of narcissists but...)

The dance is why many aspie men are SCARED to death to approach women and many aspie women HATE being approached.

It is you. It is older than NTs and you have a right to choose what, when, where and how you want to be intimate.

At least this is the theory... but you have that right regardless of the validity of this theory.

l get what you are saying. But myself- l am quite passive. My fear is my special will think l am too pushy. l am afraid of this. l hope the PO will feel comfortable. It is a dance and it can feel difficult to navigate. But we are salmon swimming up stream when it feels right. lol

 

[Ursus Chainus]

l get what you are saying. But myself- l am quite passive. My fear is my special will think l am too pushy. l am afraid of this. l hope the PO will feel comfortable. It is a dance and it can feel difficult to navigate. But we are salmon swimming up stream when it feels right. lol

I think we are all learning about how we work, what we need and how we dance. The fear of being pushy (in the case of women) or passive (in the case of men) is usually what is drilled into us when we are young and so different. I personally feel women need to be more pushy and men less so... but we all do what we are comfortable with

I hope the OP will feel comfortable too. It is so hard to have a mismatch like that. I was taught by the culture when I was young that sex is love. As I grew.. I realized sex is sex and love is love. Love is sharing in the joy and sorrow, the pain and pleasure with another person. To want something that causes pain or sorrow in a person you love.... is not love. It does seem like her man is caring so he might be able to work better with her on her comfort.

 

[Aspychata]

I think we are all learning about how we work, what we need and how we dance. The fear of being pushy (in the case of women) or passive (in the case of men) is usually what is drilled into us when we are young and so different. I personally feel women need to be more pushy and men less so... but we all do what we are comfortable with

I hope the OP will feel comfortable too. It is so hard to have a mismatch like that. I was taught by the culture when I was young that sex is love. As I grew.. I realized sex is sex and love is love. Love is sharing in the joy and sorrow, the pain and pleasure with another person. To want something that causes pain or sorrow in a person you love.... is not love. It does seem like her man is caring so he might be able to work better with her on her comfort.

l agree. l feel everything is special with someone you really like. Even the trival mundane chores become fun. Yet as a female on the spectrum, l am extremely passive. Not sure why but this is who l am. But l am learning to be more assertive.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

l agree. l feel everything is special with someone you really like. Even the trival mundane chores become fun. Yet as a female on the spectrum, l am extremely passive. Not sure why but this is who l am. But l am learning to be more assertive.

I like the way you are. I think that we only need to change things that cause suffering for us or others. That being said, learning to be more assertive has improved my life for sure!

I meant it more generally... especially NTs who do not use words to describe what they want or need. Aspie women are the best, lol.