NT dating AS- searching for answers!

[skyb]

Looking for some guidance please!! Me and my high functioning, extremely busy, over worked Aspie have been communicating for about 6 months with about 4 or 5 dates/catch ups.

He told me on our second date he was AS and suffers anxiety attacks, I already had put it together. Now that I know him better I can tell when he's not in a good place due to his stuttering that comes back slightly and fast paced talking in work related group situations.

Everything is me initiating, texts etc except last month when he called ME to book our time together. I think he knew I was getting to the end of my tether and a situation had even arisen that very morning unbeknownst to me that he should have cancelled on me to attend but he told me he couldn't possibly have cancelled on me again.

He has put up reasons why we shouldnt see each other but when i text him 2 weeks ago to ask where i stand with him he scheduled a time to talk to me, rang me (!) and in his own way assured me I am in no way pestering him. If he didnt want me contacting, do you think he would have just told me then and there over the phone? He said things were complicated and that he is a very private person. To which i replied that he has opened up to me significantly but sometimes he is so hot and sometimes so cold. To which he said he has his reasons for that (i assumed that was unrelated to me) and He then started the nervous mumbling about catching up that week going through the days outloud (this has happened numerous times) and he sounded nervous so to try and take off the pressure I told him I know he's very busy (he is definitely so) so whenever suits him.


Unfortunately I shouldn't have said that because although we have seen each other in social situations with other people around a couple of times it has been a month since that last time we caught up just us.

Since that phone call 2 weeks ago I've tried twice to catch up and he hasn't come to see me. His texts are no longer sexual so would you think that this is following the normal path of dating an aspie in that he is no longer obsessed by the sexual enthral of us or that he is just no longer interested???

When we text I get an almost immediate response and I know that no one else does.

I sent him a text that was a statement saying that the gaps between dates is too long. His response was just as non-conversational just an acknowledgement of the text and to have a good night. I can't blame him, his response matched my text.
So i suppose the ball goes back into his court, again would I have not received a response if he couldn't be bothered with me anymore?

Logically I can explain everything (especially given my best friend of 16 years is male high functioning AS also and my brother is Autistic)

But am I grasping at straws trying to convince myself he is interested or is this fairly standard?
I just want to love this man and I wish he'd let me but perhaps his ex-wife baggage is too much for him to try again?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Here's a thought. There's all kinds of reasons someone acknowledges without saying more, lack of time/energy drives all of them.

There's a book called What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do The Opposite, and in a nutshell, it says this: we make up stories to fill in information gaps.

A new or fragile dating relationship does a lot of that, and I see it in your post.

You can't go wrong by telling him what you need, in literal terms: a date Saturday? a date by next Saturday? Get specific. And set a limit: you'll make n attempts to get him out with you before you decide. That's not a "threat" you should make, that's an internal decision to get yourself out of this anxious limbo you're in.

And I would suggest, kindly, that you add a richer interaction than text will give you. Texting is convenient, but like all conveniences, it's expensive. In your case, it's expensive because texting is one-way communication. You need two-way, and you need some face time that isn't a "date" to explore things.

In my opinion, which is worth what you paid for it! Let us know what happens.

 

[skyb]

Thankyou Aspergirl4hire, I'm sorry but I don't quite understand what you mean about a richer interaction? In my text I told him that 2 months is too long. I don't think I can pester him with more than that.

 

[skyb]

Hmmm nothing as yet that has not been necessary work related email. I need to stop hoping and start moving on I think. Let go of the expectations I've built up both from myself and from his "next week" promises.

He's not even in the same state as me for most of this week due to work.

I'm hurting enough at the moment with the anxiety of it all, if he would communicate with me that we were still on or that we were NOT still on I'd feel so much better!

Would everyone reading this post agree with me that the ball is in his court and I should leave it to him now?

 

[skyb]

He has a reputation in the workplace especially from people who have known him for a long time that you need to stay on top of him otherwise your out of sight out of mind.
Do I take the lack of contact as just that or as his polite way of telling me he is no longer interested despite just a few weeks ago telling me on the phone that he still was. Wish I could read his mind!