Not sure how to feel from interaction with roommate, please help!

[SimplyWandering]

Here is where the story starts...

My roommate is in a Masters degree program for Psychology and happens to be doing her internship at the same company I get my supports from , including a day program. About a month ago she got transferred to my location and I ran in to her during a program and she was surprised, as she didn’t know I was in the day program.

She later sat down with me and told me I needed to let her know if I was going to be there so she could make arrangements to not be a part of the class, I said I would try.

1 week later I went and hadn’t even thought about messaging her, didn’t even come to mind, and she was there and was visibly annoyed (I wasn’t sure why until she told me) and said “you told me you would tell me if you were coming,” leaving pissed.

This made me really annoyed and obsessive, so I went to the head of day program and said you know I am roommates with her, what can I say that will make this run smoothly? At which point she asked me if I could go to the other location , umm I have my therapy HERE... so no.

She told me she is working here, so you’ll just have to work it out... with an attitude.

Fast forward to my appointment with my therapist and she tells me that my roommate cannot impede my mental health recovery or wellness.

I said it was not my responsibility to let my roommate know where I was going to be, when I was going to be , I have enough stuff to remember and figure out without having to deal with that. I asked my therapist not to chat with her as it would disrupt my home life.

So everything leaked to my roommate And apparently her superior had a stern chat with her...

Now today when I was asking my roommate why she was not talking to me or just saying hi and she got huffy and said I only asked one thing of you, to make sure to let me know when you would be at a session in the day program. I told her my therapist said it was not my responsibility, nor correct to ask me to do so. I apologized for the situation in hopes of mending it. (I had no idea it would come back to her)

She got all annoyed and threatened “If you ruin this for me and I am not successful at this internship, I will make your life a living hell.” Then she said nothing else.

How do I react to this and help the situation move forward? I don’t even know if I should talk to my therapist about this or if it would just be more problematic.

I have been consistently obsessing over this since it happened earlier.

Help is appreciated.

TLDR: Roommate is angry because she thinks I ruined her internship chances and believes as a roommate it is my responsibility to let her know when I am at a day program

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Could you choose to take responsibility?
This often solves catch 22 things like this.

When do you find out if you're in the day program?

I make lots of reminders for myself,so could you do similar,including informing your roommate as part of it?
Email,text is better as there is then proof.

At the same time - her feelings are not your responsibility.
Perhaps she should find her own program to sort her head out.

 

[Aspychata]

l am really upset that she said she would make your life a living hell. That makes me very angry. That is a out right threat which is very irresponsible for someone in her position. You have enough to go through without dealing with this. This situation is going to feel raw for some time until she finishes up her internship. How much longer does she have? Is it conflict of interest, l am totally confused to why she has to know? Is it because it falls under HIPPA privacy laws? Then maybe it was a legit request unbeknownst to you perhaps. Good luck, maybe leave a postnote the night before on her door you are scheduled?

 

[SimplyWandering]

l am really upset that she said she would make your life a living hell. That makes me very angry. That is a out right threat which is very irresponsible for someone in her position. You have enough to go through without dealing with this. This situation is going to feel raw for some time until she finishes up her internship. How much longer does she have? Is it conflict of interest, l am totally confused to why she has to know? Is it because it falls under HIPPA privacy laws? Then maybe it was a legit request unbeknownst to you perhaps. Good luck, maybe leave a postnote the night before on her door you are scheduled?

I’m pretty sure it is HIPPA thing and at the very least a conflict of interest.

My therapist said I do not need to inform her, yes it would be nice, but 2 things.

1) I don’t feel comfortable having to tell her when I am taking each and every class

And

2) again, I have enough to focus on with my health and other stuff, I am certainly not going to remind her.

Like you said, that was very upsetting and (IMO disgusting) coming from someone who will be dealing with those with mental health issues. In fact if I was to bring this up, it I would probably get her thrown out of the program.

Could you choose to take responsibility?

This often solves catch 22 things like this.

When do you find out if you're in the day program?

I make lots of reminders for myself,so could you do similar,including informing your roommate as part of it?

Email,text is better as there is then proof.

At the same time - her feelings are not your responsibility.
Perhaps she should find her own program to sort her head out.

This isn’t a choose to take responsibility kind of thing. I am involved in the program, and she would be like counselor. I don’t technically need to let her know, she needs to recuse herself from the class, knowing that I am in it and that’s that, without getting all pissy.

My problem with the situation is that I don’t think she needs to know when I will be there , nor do I legally need to inform her. Me telling her that info makes me uncomfortable.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My problem with the situation is that I don’t think she needs to know when I will be there , nor do I legally need to inform her. Me telling her that info makes me uncomfortable

Your problem with the situation c(and the intern)be resolved by changing the way you think about it.

Technically you don't need to inform her.
One of life s lessons could be - if you did - the situation resolves itself.
Not doing it is making a commitment to continually feeling the way you do about it.

It's commiting to having this thing hang over you,when you can choose to end it and create good feeling.
Isn't that what you want ultimately?
I call this taking responsibility. I think you took a different meaning.

I wonder what your motive is.
Do you need to be right?

Your roommate is obviously pissy.
But so what?
Lots of people are.
You can move above and beyond quite easily.

 

[Streetwise]

have you told your therapist ! that she said she would make your life a living hell !if you haven’t you need to tell them as soon as possible !this person doesn’t sound mentally stable ,they should not be a psychologist if they are going to say that .

 

[Kirsty]

I wouldn’t even let her bother you. Don’t respond or react. She should be kicked out and not seen again.

 

[Wolfnox]

Think about it and decide whats best for you and her.

She got all annoyed and threatened “If you ruin this for me and I am not successful at this internship, I will make your life a living hell.” Then she said nothing else.

This would be a trigger point for me. Its not like you went out of your way to cause the problem. She sounds scared to be frank. But if she is going to be working with people like us. And this is what she does. If you truly feel threatened tell them. If possible get away from said roommate before you do.

 

[GadAbout]

She got all annoyed and threatened “If you ruin this for me and I am not successful at this internship, I will make your life a living hell.” Then she said nothing else.

How do I react to this and help the situation move forward? I don’t even know if I should talk to my therapist about this or if it would just be more problematic.

Wow. I was kind of sympathetic to both people in this situation, until I saw that. Your roommate is emotionally abusive to you, a vulnerable person / client / participant in the day program. She deserves to have this comment reported to the administrator of the program.
'
Now, that might just make your life a living hell, so if you decide not to go that route, I won't blame you. But in a perfect world, her one, simple comment "I will make your life a living hell" would be reported and require her to have intensive therapy before being in a career where she can manipulate and dominate vulnerable people. I'm serious. I was a therapist for a few years, and there are some very bad apples in the field. Better to weed them out early before they can mess people up.

Good luck to you. You have done nothing wrong.

 

[the_tortoise]

She shouldn’t be working in social care, from your description of her.

None if this is your fault and unfortunately you can’t fix it nor should you — all of this is your roommate’s problem and entirely her responsibility to sort out.

 

[Judge]

You won't find any tenet of civil law I know of that outlines that one roommate has "a duty owed" to another roommate, only because they are roommates.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

She shouldn’t be working in social care, from your description of her.

None if this is your fault and unfortunately you can’t fix it nor should you — all of this is your roommate’s problem and entirely her responsibility to sort out.

Shes very young,as well just learning.
This means you can lash out and get frustrated easily as part of that process.

It may be not simplywanderings problem,but if you step outside the black and white of it, you'll have lot less problems going forward if you decide to sort things like this out.

Similar types of things will happen thousands of times in life.

There are also many who say thats not my job/my problem, which can make things like this worse.

The world works in the gaps between the rules and that's a lesson that comes with time.

You start reporting things like this, you can also be seen as the problem.

Tread carefully. It's a roommate after all.

She didnt ask for the moon.
Her behaviour wasnt good. Was the OPs? In every instance of their life so far?
Doubt it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You won't find any tenet of civil law I know of that outlines that one roommate has "a duty owed" to another roommate, only because they are roommates.

Comes under expectations of human relationships.
Unfortunately

 

[the_tortoise]

She didnt ask for the moon.
Her behaviour wasnt good.

She is in a position of power and authority and that makes her responsible well beyond just the roommate role.

She should know that by this by this point in her training and if she doesn’t that is a serious red flag as far as her ability to follow minimum standards for professional conduct in social care - she is at internship/practicum stage and by that point she should know better.

I am also of the opinion that people who vengefully lash out like that are not suited for jobs in social care - the time and place to learn self control are compassion is not when you are wielding power and authority over the lives of the most vulnerable.

It also does not matter what OP behaves like in a personal context, because this has crossed well out of the context of a purely personal relationship. The situation is one of professional misconduct.

 

[Judge]

Comes under expectations of human relationships.
Unfortunately

I never considered a roommate that I didn't personally select to constitute "a relationship" of any kind.

Luckily when that scenario came up on occasion in my life, I got along mostly ok with all of such roommates I didn't choose. A responsibility that fell upon my university and employer. About the only thing I felt jointly responsible for was to lock the door on my way out. Which seemed mutually reasonable.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

She is in a position of power and authority and that makes her responsible well beyond just the roommate role.

She should know that by this by this point in her training and if she doesn’t that is a serious red flag as far as her ability to follow minimum standards for professional conduct in social care - she is at internship/practicum stage and by that point she should know better.

I am also of the opinion that people who vengefully lash out like that are not suited for jobs in social care - the time and place to learn self control are compassion is not when you are wielding power and authority over the lives of the most vulnerable.

I have a different view.

There are two sides to a story where,as you describe, someone vengeful lashes out.

Theirmintpersonal relationship may be complicated.

In your world, nobody would have a job.

Somebody shouted when they were at home.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I never considered a roommate that I didn't personally select to constitute "a relationship" of any kind.

Luckily when that scenario came up on occasion in my life, I got along ok with all of such roommates I didn't choose. A responsibility that fell upon my university and employer.

All humans have a relationship. Thats all I meant.
They take up similar space,have a way of reacting together and a history.

 

[Judge]

All humans have a relationship. Thats all I meant.
They take up similar space,have a way of reacting together and a history.

Technically, though such a nebulous explanation does not define or qualify any "duty owed" either.

"The devil being in the details". Especially in the event that one party threatens another.

 

[the_tortoise]

I have a different view.

There are two sides to a story where,as you describe, someone vengeful lashes out.

Theirmintpersonal relationship may be complicated.

In your world, nobody would have a job.

Somebody shouted when they were at home.

If there is a conflict of interest, as there is when working as a therapist with your roommate as a client, it is the responsibility of the therapist to sort it out.

The whole reason roommate therapist in training asked OP to not be there when she is training is to not have that conflict of interest to deal with - I would bet large sums of money on it. However, that places an inappropriate onus on OP to be responsible for a situation that is not hers to be responsible for.

It does not matter what physical location the threat was uttered in because the relationship has become complicated by a client/professional dynamic and that dymamic exists regardless of the physical location in which interaction occurs....it is not dependent on physical location.

I know what I am talking about as far as how these things work in the real world but you are free to believe whatever you want.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I know what I am talking about as far as how these things work in the real world but you are free to believe whatever you want.

Glad to hear I am free to believe what I want.

I'm approaching it from a different angle.
If the OP proceeds like this with life in general, there will be far more interpersonal conflict as a result.

You're misunderstanding what I mean by the real world, I think.

No matter, you're free to quote rules at whiever you want.