No friends

[Selfdiagnosed&confirmed]

Been there, done that. When I was at school, I someone told me that the reason why I didn't have many friends was because I didn't try hard enough to make them. So I thought about what I could do to make friends, and decided that sitting next to someone and saying 'hi' was a nice, friendly thing to do, and if I did that, I would be sure to make friends. So I finally plucked up the courage to sit down next to one of the popular boys at school in class and said 'hi'. He then promptly turned round and said to his mates, who were sitting on the bench behind, "what's she doing sitting next to me?". It felt to me like he didn't even see me as human, and that was the end of my attempts to make friends with classmates.

I think that in any situation, there will be people like that, and those people aren't worth bothering with. I always found it easier to talk to and make friends who are more like myself, those who for one reason or another are on the fringes, the 'oddballs'. I get on much better with that sort of person, too.

Hi Progster, Your comment about sitting next to a popular boy made me sad in a way. It meant all the other nice boys that didn't stand out was probably missed in the process.
For the most part of my school experience I never spoke to / had female friends. It seemed everyone was trying to fit in / relate to a particular group or be part of the popular crowd or get their attention.

It affects me somehow as I always saw the behaviour of the rugby kids as bullies and they were just because of the fact they played that sport popular. They often broke things at parties, etc. In school the cool kids treated the rest worse and took it upon themselves to be rude, etc. It's almost like the celebs of the world who are rude to their "fans" as if they are minions - somehow the fans allow themselves to be like that and accept the behaviour. If it wasn't for me trying to work on dissolving my ego it would be very difficult to deal with all the "cool" people that make up the core group of liked people in work environments, etc. In the film industry for example "cool" factor seems more important in the crew departments than being the best at what you do from some of my observation. The whole concept of popular I never understood the social rules, etc. I'm glad you started relating to other people as life progressed and I'm sorry that the experience of that "popular" boy had that effect.

A girl kicked me once in school and that shook about my last courage to approach girls for the most part, that and the whole social standing thing. It's like they all waited to get the attention of the 1% and missed the other 99%.

 

[Bella Pines]

Do you think they prefer to be stuck in their way of thinking?

Yes, I do.

But that's not necessarily a bad thing. For example, I've worked in open plan offices for most of my career. There are about 50 rows of 10 people. Each person has about a 3 foot width of desk, there are no partitions, it's just a really long desk. If the people back to back reversed their identical spinny chairs, they would collide.

But they love it! They stay late, they get excited about their "careers", they delight over "well done emails". They are happy. They are also scared of anything different, so sure that their ridiculous 1st world problems are highly important. So convinced of their own "success", not realizing that poking a keyboard and lining up numbers in spreadsheets is an utterly pointless activity. I almost wish I could be that way instead of seeing it as a battery farm, I can even imagine them all clucking.

Almost. But not quite...

 

[Selfdiagnosed&confirmed]

Your response brought a smile to my face cluck cluck cluck...

I wish I could just accept that the way you seem to. Someone once told me if I see something differently it's my responsibility to change it. I feel that way about the world and society, where to begin on a large scale is the overwhelming problem I face.

It does seem they get a kick out of it climbing that never ending ladder at the expense of their moral values and lying their way as they progress on the steps, buying away their sins with donations in religious institutions only to go back and do the same again on Monday.

I think it's also cause they enjoy consumerism so much. The reward the job gives is the ability to buy things they don't need, but it does make them feel better for a little while. And there's always some advert trying to convince us all we need more stuff.

I haven't been part of the clucking crowd for a while, for financial reasons I try to convince myself to go back. I worked in a luxury automobile company in the service industry - the people who worked their whole lives to afford a brand name and how it affected their thinking was just so sad to me.

 

[Streetwise]

Your response brought a smile to my face cluck cluck cluck...

I wish I could just accept that the way you seem to. Someone once told me if I see something differently it's my responsibility to change it. I feel that way about the world and society, where to begin on a large scale is the overwhelming problem I face.

It does seem they get a kick out of it climbing that never ending ladder at the expense of their moral values and lying their way as they progress on the steps, buying away their sins with donations in religious institutions only to go back and do the same again on Monday.

I think it's also cause they enjoy consumerism so much. The reward the job gives is the ability to buy things they don't need, but it does make them feel better for a little while. And there's always some advert trying to convince us all we need more stuff.

I haven't been part of the clucking crowd for a while, for financial reasons I try to convince myself to go back. I worked in a luxury automobile company in the service industry - the people who worked their whole lives to afford a brand name and how it affected their thinking was just so sad to me.

you're extremely judgemental about people who are religious !as I presume you're not perfect how do you have the right to judge them!?

 

[Selfdiagnosed&confirmed]

you're extremely judgemental about people who are religious !as I presume you're not perfect how do you have the right to judge them!?

I often get told off on my "opinions". I mean no harm or judgement. In fact I was raised Christian and attended church for 17 years consistently, apart from my numerous years in and out of religion as an adult.

It is only once I started seeing how religious people justify what they have to do to earn money then hold some rank in church on Sundays and believe they doing their best, only to be a slave of money and that truly being the object of their worship. Much like the way celebs/ musicians are "idolized" (worshipping someone as a god).

I honestly believe it to be more seeing things for what it is than it being judgemental. Those very people told me to leave my religion at the door when I enter the workplace as the two can't co-exist in most financial driven corporate environments. That's if you truly wish to keep your job and practice the teachings of your religion in my opinion.

 

[Albe]

It is a struggling situation, but I have a tip learned to avoid all these social ostracism you might be constantly be set into by your pairs.

Try to create supportive opinion in which you can create a dialogue, preferably one where you can end up in a mutual agreeable discussion on the subject you are talking, if you are more unexperienced on that kind of social trick.
People like to have their opinions reinforced and reasonabled by others apparently, this way you can create long talks either online or outside.

 

[Selfdiagnosed&confirmed]

It is a struggling situation, but I have a tip learned to avoid all these social ostracism you might be constantly be set into by your pairs.

Try to create supportive opinion in which you can create a dialogue, preferably one where you can end up in a mutual agreeable discussion on the subject you are talking, if you are more unexperienced on that kind of social trick.
People like to have their opinions reinforced and reasonabled by others apparently, this way you can create long talks either online or outside.

Thank you Albe, That's a good point. I thought with Aspergers one of the typical traits is struggling with this very fact though (different viewpoints / opinions). I realize I need to sit and learn some of these "social tricks" consciously.

Not sure I really know how to though. In a job role I used to be pretty good with specific instructions / guidelines to just fill that role and stay in "character". But in my personal capacity talking seems to end up in the other person taking offense (ego) and arguments ensue, even though I usually tell them I don't wish to debate or argue it still presses peoples buttons.

Over time I seem to have regressed as far as socializing is concerned and became less flexible on the way I see things believing it's the truth and in so convincing myself I need to help the other person see it that way.
Ps. I don't have & haven't had any psychological support as far as dealing with Aspergers socially, etc. (Only diagnosed at age 33).

 

[Albe]

Thank you Albe, That's a good point. I thought with Aspergers one of the typical traits is struggling with this very fact though (different viewpoints / opinions). I realize I need to sit and learn some of these "social tricks" consciously.

Not sure I really know how to though. In a job role I used to be pretty good with specific instructions / guidelines to just fill that role and stay in "character". But in my personal capacity talking seems to end up in the other person taking offense (ego) and arguments ensue, even though I usually tell them I don't wish to debate or argue it still presses peoples buttons.

Over time I seem to have regressed as far as socializing is concerned and became less flexible on the way I see things believing it's the truth and in so convincing myself I need to help the other person see it that way.
Ps. I don't have & haven't had any psychological support as far as dealing with Aspergers socially, etc. (Only diagnosed at age 33).

Well, I have a diagnosis on high functioning autism, which kind of retreated its effects with time (I am really young, so it was fast), I only managed to got diagnosed because my mom have seen a documentary on TV about autism and related it with my stereotypical behavior on childhood , my extreme anxiety and my obsession with memorization.

After facing the same problems the original poster here managed to suffer, I started to get great on recognizing social patterns and even spent a huge time obssesed with evolutionary psychology due to it, apparently I am a rare case where my autism helped me later on life on getting social.

Sadly I still have no real friends which I can visit their home and similar things, my relationships are superficial and I sometimes feel like i want to keep it like that way, I can't bond with them since apparently I don't execute the same daily activities as them, I don't watch movies, I don't listen to music (on those rare occasions I do they are all war orchestras I find online) and all I can barely talk is about our ambient, future perspectives and use my humour.

 

[OneAnneOli]

@BellaPines I really enjoy reading your responses and inputs. I too am beginning to feel responisible to make NTs see things differently.. Although being older now, it needs to be done more gracefully. I've gone my whole life knowing I've been living amongst sheep. But the difference now and then was that during my adolescence i was intimidated by the normality, the blind ignorance and arrogance. Now, i find myself more confident in my neurodiversity and embrace my quirks and my awesone way of viewing the world we live in. I read the article you shared with the Einstein photo and I thoroughly enjoyed it!

To Rainbow Arua: Stay positive, and attract positive! Keep your head up and arm yourself with knowledge good people come and good people also go.. I have had many on and off close friendships with people.. All were learning experiences.. And I've come out stronger!

Pardon any of my grammar errors..

 

[SteveH]

I haven’t had a friend since I was 13 years old and that was mannnnnnny years ago. It wasn’t “real”. I was an only child and had exclusion when I was at preschool. No one wanted me around. I got the same reaction at school but the first two years were tolerable till I was about 7. I was excluded and had this feeling inside that I was “different”. I was badly bullied till I left school at 17.

I’ve made attempts online but somehow they turn on me, severely bullied me, excluded me or just flat out ignore me. (I tried forums for music/art/tv/graphics and Facebook) It was like they were almost annoyed by me (I never harassed just said hello to them). I somehow had a cold reception on every group I joined and like I wasn’t part of their “clique”. I tried many forums and moderators even turned on me and others joined up with them putting me down. It wasn’t like I was breaking invisible laws everywhere and like I was breaking some certain unspoken “code”. This lead to tears and pain. I wondered if I was just sensitive and that may have contributed but it doesn’t make 100% sense.

I also tried tumblr and joined a fandom..but got a clique like reaction and they didn’t like me because I preferred certain parts of the show that they disagreed with. This turned into a disaster. I also tried other fandoms but people just suddenly turned. I was polite, kind and wrote nice kind things about their art. One said “I only follow those I talk to”. I ended up bullying her because of the exclusive “sect” she was apart of.

I tried “real life” situations including school and little groups. I can’t relate to others and this is in part due to my treatment at school

I almost have learnt to like loneliness. I live with my mother and stepfather and it is strained. My mother does everything for me.

I feel like I can enter belong and feel so distant from others emotionally and in every possible way. No guy has ever wanted me or liked me either.

What is wrong with me?

First, I want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing your painful experiences. I can relate-on so many levels. It sucks.
Many AS people have had so many negative experiences in this area over so many years that it is easy to completely give up on social relationships.

Consider this alternative way to look at this issue:
Research shows that NT people benefit from having more social relationships. But what if you are NOT NT? What if you are AS? What if social situations do the opposite for you? What if you have a anxiety and a stress response in social situations? What if you have had a lifetime of negative reinforcement when trying to engage NT people in socially? Something might be wrong with you if you actually continued to try and make friends. If your brain works correctly, you stop doing the things that cause you pain....

...or change the way you do those things--which you are doing!!! : ).

You joined Aspiescentral! It is a start(welcome to the inside: ) It has helped me so much. The people here are thoughtful, supportive and generous. Words cannot communicate how much Aspiescentral has helped me feel better and grow as a person.

I am planning to do other things as well. I am planning to join a local AS support group. I'm not giving up on NT people. I am also planning to join a club or group that shares my interests, like going on local hikes with my local sierra club and joining a photography group. Starting out by sharing an interest that other NT people have may help break the ice.

It has been a hard pill for me to swallow, but through my life, it probably has been me--not the other people. I don't mean to say that I was the jerk. In most cases, there was no bad-guy or jerk. But the NT people saw me responding a second slower to every question, or instead of a yes/no answer, I gave a pedantic answer, or at times my facial expression did not match what I was trying to communicate, etc. In early phases of friendships, these things are deal-breakers. Lets face it, most NT people will freeze out other NT people who are not very much in their own wave-length or clique!

To answer you question: NOTHING. You may indeed have insight to issues you want to work on to live better, and feel better--but nothing is wrong with that!

SteveH

 

[keebles]

When I was young, I was constantly depressed over the fact that I couldn't make friends and that was WAY before I knew I was an Asper. But now, looking back on it, I did have a couple of friends, I just couldn't keep them, and it was usually my fault...either I would get bored with them and force them away, or just dump them straight out. I went to a very small school though, so I went through the population very quickly and when word got around that I was anti-social and weird, that was the end of that. By senior year, I was a total outcast made worse by my miserableness at being an outcast that made me more of an outcast, if that makes sense.

I tend to gravitate towards people with the same interests as me, but when I figure that those interests don't take up 24/7 of their time like it does mine, I don't feel the connection anymore. I tend to get bored with people very quickly...I didn't realize that then, but I know it now because my attention span has gotten even shorter as I have gotten older so people tend to annoy me faster.

I was also (and still am) a very girly-girl who couldn't relate to other girls, so most of the friendships I have had have been with men, but I have found that I do MUCH better online than in person with girls and I have forged better friendships with my blog friends that I ever have with in-person people. I'm not sure why, maybe because they aren't in my actual face, or because I can pick and choose when to respond to them versus the face-to-face issue. Some of those friendships have lasted for years and I do count them as "friends" even though we've never met. I think that the digital age has changed the definition of friends, but I also have to be careful because I do tend to get bullied on forums and such. The blog world is a different beast I think though, similar interests and all maybe.

I did have a friendship that lasted 15 years with a man, and I think it only lasted because we hung out maybe once a month or so and didn't talk much in between. Since it was strictly platonic with no chance of a relationship mucking it up, that also made it easier because I have a bad habit of falling for my male friends (he is gay, so no worries there). We did take vacations together without issue, but the last trip is what ruined our friendship (and I told him before we left that it would probably be the end of our friendship and he proved me right). That was three years ago and I haven't had an in-person friend since, but I'm OK with that. After him, I kind of need a friend break. But I will say it's a lot easier saying all this to my now self than to my younger self...none of it would have helped my younger self.

 

[Puddleshark]

Hi guys & gals, I wanted to say thanks for sharing your experiences around friendship and socialising on here. I've experienced similar problems of not connecting with people / not fitting in in work environments etc and know how painful it can be, the level of rejection and isolation... so it's been helpful to read I'm not the only one, and how this can maybe be explained with ASD traits (as opposed to being an unloveable freak).

Two things stand out for me: it seems that some autistic people not only find it harder to make friends but they also have less of a need for friends/social contact than average, whereas others have the need for closeness (at least to some extent, while also enjoying their own company) but struggle socially, leading to unwated isolation / loneliness.

Also I've noticed that there is a lot of talk about being diagnosed and getting support, but I'm not sure how much support there actually is for improving poor social skills and making friends for those who are not naturally good at that? If you are lucky, there might be an ASD support group in your area, but the underlying problem of poor social skills leading to loneliness could probably do with addressing a lot more head-on? For example by naming the problem and offering training/education, for one thing? Just throwing it out there... so any thoughts welcome!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Pardon any of my grammar errors

We're watching
Mind you my posts have more errors than anyones.
Just wish it was a competition.

could probably do with addressing a lot more head-on? For example by naming the problem and offering training/education, for one thing? Just throwing it out there... so any thoughts welcome

Be the change
As that insurance ad says.
But it gandhi infiltrating the ad game.

 

[Puddleshark]

[QUOTE="Fridgemagnetman, post: 493244, member:

Be the change
As that insurance ad says.
But it gandhi infiltrating the ad game.[/QUOTE]

Funny you mention it... I had that idea of starting a charity to alleviate loneliness, not just related to ASD but in general. It seems a good time as there's just been a high-profile survey conducted by All In The Mind, the Radio 4 mental health programme. I work in the M/H field. But it seems rather daunting a task! Next you're going to quote Marianne Williamson, aren't you?
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

[QUOTE="Fridgemagnetman, post: 493244, member:

Be the change
As that insurance ad says.
But it gandhi infiltrating the ad game.

Funny you mention it... I had that idea of starting a charity to alleviate loneliness, not just related to ASD but in general. It seems a good time as there's just been a high-profile survey conducted by All In The Mind, the Radio 4 mental health programme. I work in the M/H field. But it seems rather daunting a task! Next you're going to quote Marianne Williamson, aren't you?
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."[/QUOTE]

How did you know?
Marianne Williamson said :
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."


But you may have some ideas to put up on the resource side of the site.

 

[Puddleshark]

Good idea. I'll have a think. Unfortunately this website makes my laptop freeze up constantly, so it's very frustrating to use

 

[jovanovic]

same here...i am too ugly and weird for people to like me. i tried getting friends for a long time but nobody wanted to.