New member from the Denver, CO area here!

[StevenK'sDad]

Howdy campers!
Allow me to introduce mahse'f .
(WARNING - Coming from an ex- professional musician and radio/club DJ background, these various ethnic characters occasionally do rear their heads.)

I'm Charles from the Denver, CO area and I'm turning to this forum for assistance in understanding how to raise my 7 yr old autistic boy in the midst of parents not being on the same page re: discipline. (Wife's a liberal and I'm a çonservative) I'm retired, so I watch the young 'un while the wife works 40 hours. We have 2 schools of discipline: I do, she doesn't!
Example; I don't deal with disrespect from my 18 yr old (another story, completely) OR my 7 yr old either, autistic or not. The 7 yr old heard his big brother tell me "[deleted] you, old man" (My 1st instinct would have earned me a stint in jail) and now every day my 7 yr old tells me "[deleted] you" and his mother really just ignores the behaviour and advises me to do the same.

My marriage and family are so dysfunctional, it's already given me a stroke and stress related heart attack. There's probably another WIDOW MAKER heart attack in my future.
Any input would be appreciated.
Much Obliged, Pilgrim. -CK

 

[Nauti]

I'm feeling for you. I dealt with a somewhat similar situation. Not to minimize what you are dealing with, in any way, because it's obviously very difficult, but my kid's Dad was not only super-left-leaning, but full blown narcissistic and a criminal, and I couldn't really get anywhere with putting any healthy and protective boundaries in, until I left him.

You really have your work cut out for you and I, sincerely, feel for you.

I stuck it out until my autistic son was in his late teens. I had to leave due to nearly dying from the impossibility of the task, under those conditions.

Eventually, I got care of my son, after his father couldn't cope anymore, my son became psychotically ill and I got a number of services involved.

My son was in his early twenties by this time.
He now lives in supported accommodation and has state guardianship, due to the abusive and neglectful treatment of his father (his Dad maneuvered him back, after I nursed him back to health).

I guess you could say I was too liberal, with his Dad. I didn't get him incarcerated.

My son didn't get his needs adequately met, his father continually blocked services from helping our son.

My children are now learning, the hard way, about necessary boundaries, how being manipulated works, about how insecure they feel without good boundaries and respect for their mother.

They have suffered mental ill health, as have I, due to their father's undermining, selfish, ignorant (as in ignoring facts and reason and common sense) and really disordered behaviour, attitude and thinking patterns.

All I can say is, get support, stay sane, look after yourself, because without you, being healthy and able, your son is immeasurably worse off.

Stick to your guns where possible, keep your cool, where possible, and take time out for yourself too. You can't expect to do the job well, if you are constantly being run down and drained, without "filling up your cup".

You must stay firm in what you know is right and, eventually, as your children mature, they will see that you are. "Ye shall know them by their fruits". You may have to endure a lot of craziness, but your kids need you to stay sane and demonstrate what stable, fair, honourable and responsible people look and sound like.

If you have to leave, at any point, in my case it was overwhelmingly clear that I wouldn't survive the ongoing stress of it; use the system to leavage access, services and supports for yourself and your son.

Good luck!

I wish I had more positive, helpful advice, because I went through absolute hell to get my child the right supports and instill healthy values and respectful boundaries and he was set back by the reckless, immature and really dim parenting from the other parent, but, now he is 26, has a great day program, is stable and still.learning to be respectful and responsible, at least he is on the right track, now. Better late than never.

I hope some of what I have shared is helpful, let me know if I can help in any way further. My case might be more extreme (I don't know, but, in any case, there are obvious similarities) still, I recognise the difficulty of being undermined and not supported, by the other parent, the challenges of have an.autistic child (I have 7, all up, but only one with "high needs" autism, although I suspect more are Aspergers/Autistic like myself) and I am very aware of how unwell, in their thinking, left leaning people, can be.

It is an idealistic bubble of impossible "equality" and lies and distortions that they need to maintain to justify their illogical ideology. Personally, I think, when we reject Christian values and try to "reinvent the wheel" (socialism) we lose our cultural bearings. The anti-authoritarianism of it, is not even true, as left leaners want power, themselves, but it's immature and not thought through, somewhat like what we, all, (most, at least) go through as teenagers, or young adults.

You have to "be the adult" in this situation, and don't lose faith or give up hope. Draw deep, from the integrity of your soul and the love of your family, "They know not, what they do." Truth and wisdom will win out, in the end. "The truth shall set us free".

 

[Pats]

Hi Charles. Wow - I'm 61 and I couldn't imaging dealing with an 18 yr old and 7 yr old. I'm just glad those days are behind me.
My son said that to me once. (I was a single parent with no help from dad, so I had to be the dad, too, which seems to include the disciplinarian). Anyway, my son wanted me to co-sign for him to get a NEW car. He was 17, not working and not going to school. I told him, no and offered that we could go look at some used cars. He was mad because he wanted a new one and he said those words to me. It just went all over me when he did. I managed to keep my cool, but wasn't in complete control of my reactions. I said it back and that I wasn't helping him find anything. And I didn't. We had a few really bad years, but we did survive them. I think it's important to have dad's around to remind the kids to be respectful and so on. But I also think it's important to remain in control of your own actions. Mom's just don't look threatening and it's hard to get them to take you as seriously as if it had come from dad.

 

[GadAbout]

I'm feeling for you. I dealt with a somewhat similar situation. Not to minimize what you are dealing with, in any way, because it's obviously very difficult, but my kid's Dad was not only super-left-leaning, but full blown narcissistic and a criminal, and I couldn't really get anywhere with putting any healthy and protective boundaries in, until I left him.
...
They have suffered mental ill health, as have I, due to their father's undermining, selfish, ignorant (as in ignoring facts and reason and common sense) and really disordered behaviour, attitude and thinking patterns.

...
I am very aware of how unwell, in their thinking, left leaning people, can be.

It is an idealistic bubble of impossible "equality" and lies and distortions that they need to maintain to justify their illogical ideology. Personally, I think, when we reject Christian values and try to "reinvent the wheel" (socialism) we lose our cultural bearings. The anti-authoritarianism of it, is not even true, as left leaners want power, themselves, but it's immature and not thought through, somewhat like what we, all, (most, at least) go through as teenagers, or young adults.

This sounds a lot like the way my children's father undermined me - to the detriment of his children - except that it had nothing to do with being "left-leaning." If anything, I am more left-leaning and he is more conservative. So I have to conclude you have identified the right problem (undermining your co-parent) but attributed the wrong cause (political leaning).

 

[Tom]

No discipline isn't good, but then again your ideas of discipline may be off the mark with a kid on the spectrum. It only gets more complicated (more pages) as the medical and school professionals become involved. No magic formula of course, but you can both become more informed and try to work in concert with those professionals who are genuinely involved and seem to know what they are doing.

 

[Nauti]

This sounds a lot like the way my children's father undermined me - to the detriment of his children - except that it had nothing to do with being "left-leaning." If anything, I am more left-leaning and he is more conservative. So I have to conclude you have identified the right problem (undermining your co-parent) but attributed the wrong cause (political leaning).

No, my kid's Dad was sociopathic, which I mentioned. The laissez-faire and entitled attitude of which I know only too well, (I am a product, genetically, of a "hippy" and a university academic) of socialistic types, just adds to the mix. I'm sure some are not completely deranged, but when you've lived the "extreme" that I have, and experienced the disadvantages that go with it, it's effects can't be ignored. Plus I've been to uni, I know the indoctrination that's going on in social "sciences" and I am a studier of politics and history, and I understand the link between ideology and attitude and behaviour. Of course, individuals are individuals, so exceptions are always possible, but, in this case, I think I assessed things more accurately than not.

 

[StevenK'sDad]

I'm feeling for you. I dealt with a somewhat similar situation. Not to minimize what you are dealing with, in any way, because it's obviously very difficult, but my kid's Dad was not only super-left-leaning, but full blown narcissistic and a criminal, and I couldn't really get anywhere with putting any healthy and protective boundaries in, until I left him.

You really have your work cut out for you and I, sincerely, feel for you.

I stuck it out until my autistic son was in his late teens. I had to leave due to nearly dying from the impossibility of the task, under those conditions.

Eventually, I got care of my son, after his father couldn't cope anymore, my son became psychotically ill and I got a number of services involved.

My son was in his early twenties by this time.
He now lives in supported accommodation and has state guardianship, due to the abusive and neglectful treatment of his father (his Dad maneuvered him back, after I nursed him back to health).

I guess you could say I was too liberal, with his Dad. I didn't get him incarcerated.

My son didn't get his needs adequately met, his father continually blocked services from helping our son.

My children are now learning, the hard way, about necessary boundaries, how being manipulated works, about how insecure they feel without good boundaries and respect for their mother.

They have suffered mental ill health, as have I, due to their father's undermining, selfish, ignorant (as in ignoring facts and reason and common sense) and really disordered behaviour, attitude and thinking patterns.

All I can say is, get support, stay sane, look after yourself, because without you, being healthy and able, your son is immeasurably worse off.

I'm feeling for you. I dealt with a somewhat similar situation. Not to minimize what you are dealing with, in any way, because it's obviously very difficult, but my kid's Dad was not only super-left-leaning, but full blown narcissistic and a criminal, and I couldn't really get anywhere with putting any healthy and protective boundaries in, until I left him.

You really have your work cut out for you and I, sincerely, feel for you.

I stuck it out until my autistic son was in his late teens. I had to leave due to nearly dying from the impossibility of the task, under those conditions.

Eventually, I got care of my son, after his father couldn't cope anymore, my son became psychotically ill and I got a number of services involved.

My son was in his early twenties by this time.
He now lives in supported accommodation and has state guardianship, due to the abusive and neglectful treatment of his father (his Dad maneuvered him back, after I nursed him back to health).

I guess you could say I was too liberal, with his Dad. I didn't get him incarcerated.

My son didn't get his needs adequately met, his father continually blocked services from helping our son.

My children are now learning, the hard way, about necessary boundaries, how being manipulated works, about how insecure they feel without good boundaries and respect for their mother.

They have suffered mental ill health, as have I, due to their father's undermining, selfish, ignorant (as in ignoring facts and reason and common sense) and really disordered behaviour, attitude and thinking patterns.

All I can say is, get support, stay sane, look after yourself, because without you, being healthy and able, your son is immeasurably worse off.

Stick to your guns where possible, keep your cool, where possible, and take time out for yourself too. You can't expect to do the job well, if you are constantly being run down and drained, without "filling up your cup".

You must stay firm in what you know is right and, eventually, as your children mature, they will see that you are. "Ye shall know them by their fruits". You may have to endure a lot of craziness, but your kids need you to stay sane and demonstrate what stable, fair, honourable and responsible people look and sound like.

If you have to leave, at any point, in my case it was overwhelmingly clear that I wouldn't survive the ongoing stress of it; use the system to leavage access, services and supports for yourself and your son.

Good luck!

I wish I had more positive, helpful advice, because I went through absolute hell to get my child the right supports and instill healthy values and respectful boundaries and he was set back by the reckless, immature and really dim parenting from the other parent, but, now he is 26, has a great day program, is stable and still.learning to be respectful and responsible, at least he is on the right track, now. Better late than never.

I hope some of what I have shared is helpful, let me know if I can help in any way further. My case might be more extreme (I don't know, but, in any case, there are obvious similarities) still, I recognise the difficulty of being undermined and not supported, by the other parent, the challenges of have an.autistic child (I have 7, all up, but only one with "high needs" autism, although I suspect more are Aspergers/Autistic like myself) and I am very aware of how unwell, in their thinking, left leaning people, can be.

It is an idealistic bubble of impossible "equality" and lies and distortions that they need to maintain to justify their illogical ideology. Personally, I think, when we reject Christian values and try to "reinvent the wheel" (socialism) we lose our cultural bearings. The anti-authoritarianism of it, is not even true, as left leaners want power, themselves, but it's immature and not thought through, somewhat like what we, all, (most, at least) go through as teenagers, or young adults.

You have to "be the adult" in this situation, and don't lose faith or give up hope. Draw deep, from the integrity of your soul and the love of your family, "They know not, what they do." Truth and wisdom will win out, in the end. "The truth shall set us free".

Thank you, Neri. Short on time, more later. -CK

 

[Crossbreed]

I don't deal with disrespect from my 18 yr old...

Does your 18yo have to remain with you? You are no longer obligated to put up with such disrespect.

For your 7yo, see Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[StevenK'sDad]

Thank you for the lead.
-CK

 

[StevenK'sDad]

Does your 18yo have to remain with you? You are no longer obligated to put up with such disrespect.

For your 7yo, see Finding Support Resources in the USA...

The 18 year old opted for finishing his Senior (2019-2020) year so he could graduate and then focus on finding a job, his 1st apartment, etc. The new issue is that he was back talking to his Mom and told her "she has a stinky puy, and I lost it and hit him right on the chin as I probably would have with any other adult male who disrespected my wife. Not hard enough to knock him out, but I split his lip open and the wife called the PD, but I wasn't arrested. (My kid didn't press charges on me...I'm amazed). And I'm now the one being kicked out of the family!! The 18 year old will rule the roost, and continue to be a predator on his Mom AND 8 year old autistic brother, and I won't be there to stop it. Any constructive thoughts?

-CK in Denver

 

[Bolletje]

You’ll probably have to spend a lot of time making amends and rebuilding trust if they are to ever allow you back into their lives. That is if the trust can be rebuilt. You committed an act of domestic violence, whether it was justifiable for you or not.

 

[Crossbreed]

Any constructive thoughts?

I have had similar struggles* with my non-autistic kids (who have other mental issues), but there are no one-size-fits-all answers. We just have to wing it.

Has that level of battery happened, before?
Does your wife understand/acknowledge your intentions?

*By similar, I mean that they physically attacked their mother and siblings, without provocation.

 

[StevenK'sDad]

I have had similar struggles* with my non-autistic kids (who have other mental issues), but there are no one-size-fits-all answers. We just have to wing it.

Has that level of battery happened, before?
Does your wife understand/acknowledge your intentions?

*By similar, I mean that they physically attacked their mother and siblings, without provocation.

Q: "Has that level of battery happened, before"?
A: No, it hasn't and never will again. Even though I'm pushed to my limit. I just go hide in a bedroom for awhile. Still, nothing gets addressed or resolved.

Q: "Does your wife understand/acknowledge your intentions"?
A: No, she "doesn't do confrontations". The wife does not respect my values or me as a person. But, I'm stuck here giving up my entire SSI check each month so they aren't homeless, (doing the right thing, which caused 1 stress heart attack already) I'm at my wit's end and trapped and can't see this ever resolving until I finally DO die from stress.