New member, father.

[Chriscalifornia]

Hello to everyone. I have a 3 year old boy diagnosed with autism shortly prior to the pandemic, he is an absolute angel. My problem is recently it has caught my attention that his mother is having autism issues as well. The issues Im referring to are daily meltdowns and scarey sparratic behavior. Nobody can tell her what to do and she's got extremely paranoid that predicts the future like can't go there today or in 5 years somebody might recognize...

I am at my ropes end, she absolutely is refusing any help, lies about it and is very difficult to deal with and is mainly concerned with hiding her issues from others it's disturbing especially since she's so violent I feel like a hostage sometimes. She's so confined she can't even have a conversation over 90% of the time. Her mother passed away over a year ago and I've noticed several symptoms that are disturbing.

Right now I'm terrified what's coming next..she has multiple symptoms and will shout from the rooftop about our son having problems but hides her own till the death even though it's clear...

HELP maybe someone here can make me understand give me a couple tips.. Thank you.

 

[Thinx]

This sounds difficult, however some of what you are describing could be anxiety, depression or other issues. Is your son regularly seen by professionals, with his mum? As they would hopefully notice worrying behaviour too.

What do you mean by violence? Is violence directed at you? Or at your son? You may need to take action if this is the case, if you think you or your son are at risk. Who can you discuss this with? Do you have supportive friends or family? Do you have a supportive doctor, or other helping professionals? What have you tried so far?

 

[Chriscalifornia]

Yes, my son is in behavioral therapy. The behavioral specialist knows she comes over 5 days a week for a few hours. She does a lot of hiding her behavior it's obvious to me but not so much to others. Like rocking back and forth while someone is talking I think to myself do they notice? No.

She isn't violent around my son... Not intentionally at least. I have contacted the authorities several times to no avail and even went to police station requested help with mental help information...nothing available...my personal favorite is like twice the police have said ok sure what's your first and last name I swear they document what I say then dismiss it! They say I'll get someone out to talk to you when someone is available nobody comes...or they leave me on hold...only once did someone come out and after she was in the middle of a meltdown they made me leave I didn't do anything.

It got so bad I had to ask her leave work, she was yelling at customers and hurt herself on the job....she thaught it was funny to tell customers bumblebee tuna and crushed her toe badly was like a trophy. She slams me every way possible with mean comments laughing about my weight everything and I'm skinny! Begging for a dog when she knows it's not practical then complain about the dog that's perfect and she picked out.

The violence is more towards the situation like yelling stomping crying demanding. She will be violent toward me if I let her or don't follow a command it's pushing name calling door slamming.She forces me to do things that are embarrassing to me but she doesn't care like force applying me for the same job her deceased father had(bulldozer operator) forcing me to act a certain way even how I need to grow my hair if I don't comply the door slamming name calling cold shoulder lasts for a month. I think she opened and closed the door about 50+ times today I learned a door can be slammed open haha and went off all day long after all I said is" u were sick too"..she says I snapped at her but I feel she's terribly upset about being sick like treating it like COOTIES..having coronavirus issues along with. She refused to change or wash her mask the whole pandemic..shes like cussing about how she doesn't care about coronavirus being violent hmm about a week later she got sick and about a week after that me too. If u even hinted coronavirus extreme anger... I ended up in the emergency room couldnt breath or move my legs at 6am.

She is so so hard to talk to its heartbreaking. Like hard to talk to even during a calm time if u even say her name she makes a fist for no reason u could just be wanting to say hello.

Side note...she has been acting like this for years off and on. She blames it on a bike knocked her on the head the first month we were dating and her mother and whole family would be begging her to go to the hospital because she has a lump on her for head the size of a golf ball that comes out when she's "angry." But now it's like extreme parinoya coming along with that...my friend tried to approach me as we were getting out of the car within 6 feet I'm deathly sick just coming back from covid test... All I told him was woah hey I just got covid testing... She's so parinoya when we got to the house she said" OMG why did you have to say that OMG now they are all going to be talking about us.." As she's peering around the neighborhood.

It goes way deep like simple instructions turned upsidown so drive from point a to b somehow becomes : go as fast as you can from a to b...dont go in restricted areas becomes restricted only when I'm around or do this is now don't ever won't ever..even safety common sense is a uphill battle I just let it go.

 

[Thinx]

This sounds really difficult, can you get help and support from either of your families? Do you think you may have some autism yourself, or is it more anxiety?

In the UK we have social services, they would be the people to speak to for support, not the police. But it may be preferable to get support from family and friends for yourself, so that you can both feel less stressed, but not involve strangers who may not help in the way you hope.

Rocking is quite normal btw for people with autism, it is often called a stim, or stimming, which people do automatically, like if you hum or tap your fingers, it's just a calming thing to do, no worries there.

 

[Mary Terry]

Your wife may be autistic. Autism definitely runs in families. If you want to stay married to her, you need to learn as much as you can about autism and figure out coping strategies for yourself. If you think you will eventually divorce her, start documenting her aberrant behavior now by keeping a calendar, taking photos and videos of her, recording her rants and meltdowns and her treatment of your son. Custody of your child will be determined by what is best for him - his mother or you - and you will need evidence for the court.

 

[Mary Terry]

Your wife may be autistic. It runs in families. If you want to stay married, I suggest you learn as much about autism as possible so you can develop some coping strategies to deal with her aberrant behaviors.

 

[Chriscalifornia]

Yes, thank you to everyone for responding. I would be willing to get tested but I would say I have normal anxiety from this only no other problems to speak of. Yes she rocks back and forth if she is REALLY going through something she will do several at once rocking while shaking her leg while eating something and groaning... She was having a difficult day yesterday.. She is 30 and does interesting activities like starting to play my son's computer game said she was getting him points....she went and put the game for a 3 year old on her cell phone and hides playing it..plays it while she rocks or whatever. She refuses any help and would be violent if anyone suggested it. Right now I'm literally hiding from her in my room because I'm afraid she's going to take whatever I do, "twist it" and turn it into a way to be upset all day..
Right now I haven't said anything to her and she's already acting concerning... In her eyes this anger is justified in my eyes is sparratic and anything could set her off ANYTHING. I'm not concerned about custody or battling over my son but she will escalate any situation from nothing and try and make me look bad. Yes her one family member knows... Half the time he understands but more often than not he makes excuses...oh its because her mom isnt here oh it's because of all the stress oh she's overwhelmed..... Yea she's overwhelmed but nobody is doing anything. Thank you guys for listening