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[Dutchie]

He All..

Just want to share my situation with you and i am hoping for some positive advise... let's say.. some hope that things get better..

My husband and I are together for 17 years now. He recently found out he is an Aspie, high functioning (very high). I also have my depression problems, low self esteem and in constant need of validation.. .
Since we are together we did the most amazing things.. we have crazy hobby's and 6 years ago we moved to Egypt. We are back now for more than 2 years.. we moved about 10 times and now finaly have settled in a house we bought..
Although on the outside it seems we have a good relationship... we have a lot of troubles with our communication.
And just to ad to the situation.. i work as a social worker. My husband tryed to work in several places but failed every time. Now he is at home, renovating the house and finding out who the F. he is. Because we just do not know.... He does not now where his limmits are, what can he excpect from himself and also from me. We function very different.. I am al about feelings, do as you please and we see as we go. He likes things planed and clear from the beginning.

Lately, since he found out he is a Aspie with a big brain, he is changing.... it's hard to comprehent if you hear it is not the rest of the world that is crazy... it is him. He just can not understand the difference is that big. Me neither to be honest...

Now... I just do not know what to do. We have good times, great times... but the dark times are realy realy dark and hard to live with. He is always running away and i am always trying to stop him... keep him close. He had masive melddowns witch we now understand. He beats himself up when this happens... at me it is just jelling... but hurtfull and heartbreaking sometimes. Nothing i do is good enough.. that is how it feels to me. But with aspie in mind, we know better. We talk alot also... ours every day.

Last few weeks he is doing a great balancing act by not going into a breakdowm or meltdown... but it takes him and me a lot. We have no friends, family just does not understand what is going on and i feel realy alone in this... I feel like i need to tiptow around him just to try to prevent a trigger that starts the meltdown. But i feel it is emminent... it will come today or tomorrow.

Now we finaly have the house... i would like to start a family... i know this is another big change... and we had so many in the last few years... but i am 37 and time is running out. I can not puch him... but how can i make him more sure that things will work out fine...

So may questions and I know there is not 1 answer... I just needed to get this out there since there is no one... no one i know or near to my husband, that understands. Reading this forum makes me feel less lonely... Thanks to all of you for that. For your openness and honesty.

 

[Catlover614]

Hi and welcome. Hmmm, I can relate to your situation except vice versa (I'm the Aspie and he's NT). We don't have good communication between us due to my inability to express myself appropriately as I tend to say things without thinking and I get in trouble by accidentally and unknowingly offending him. Plus, he is insensitive to my autism....thinks it's all in my head. But he is a great guy otherwise. He makes me laugh, he cooks for me, he works hard everyday to support us both (I'm unable to work due to PTSD, depression, ADHD and chronic back pain). He is the first boyfriend I've ever had that loves me. You two have 17 years together....that's great! All relationships have their ups and downs so if you and him can look past the quirks of Aspergers, you two should be able to work it all out. I hope you get some good advice here. AC is a great community of friendly people.

 

[Dutchie]

Thanks a lot! What I just do not get is that his behaviour got worse since he got his diagnosis. He says he feels more free to be himself and that I never realy got to know him because he was compensating so much. Now he feels free to do as he pleases. ..
For me it feels like he went back into puberty. . He snaps a lot more and he has real meltdowns and shutdowns which he did not have before. . Al least not this heavy. Now it can take days even a week for him to come back "to his sences" . He can be very hurtfull in these days and very treathning. . Saying he wants to end it all. Telling me I should leave.
We just had a very hard week and finaly this morning he asked why I was so nice to him (I always bring him his morning coffee ). He did not think he deserved it. For me it feels like I already accepted him and the aspergers but he does not accept it himself. How long took it for other aspergers to accept the diagnosis?

 

[paloftoon]

I personally don't think it's fair to say that Dutchie and her husband should be able to work things out. We really don't know.

We hope for the best of course. The best may or may not be staying together. Some things to try include attending conferences and trying to look for groups to join if possible. I don't know where you're located (you can be general and not exact of course), but this conference coming up this Fri - Tues. is worth signing up and going to. You might meet a lot of people who can help you or at least direct you to the right resources. It is more of a 1 of a kind conference since it is run by people on the spectrum rather than by some counselor or facilitator with a name in the field (with the potentially invisible barrier of NTs and non-NTs- i.e. A level of mind that someone might think could be that an NT could never be friends with a non-NT no matter how accomplished they are basically.)