Never been this upset in my life!!

[Dillon]

i have been living in the University campus for a week now. I love my classes and all but I have not made a single friend not even in my classes. What I thought was rude was in everyone of my classes people did not want to sit next to me but they wanted to sit next to each other so I sat alone.
I attended an event on campus called "speed dating" where you meet new people...well that went awful. Anytime I would say something I get ignored but the people in charge of the event encourages you to socialize with others, so I made no friends there. There had been all kinds of stuff going on I don't want to get into it.
I was upset all day today I was even under a bridge by the beach crying.
There are people who I thought were nice through text such as this one girl I had been talking to for a month but the other day we met in person and she is spreading to other people about what a horrible person I am

I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. I get involved and outgoing but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone. I regret attending the University now cause of how cruel people can be in reality.

 

[OlLiE]

University is for learning first, having fun second. It is up to you, but i would not ever regret going to university. The few friends that i made at uni are long gone, my education is something that is still there. In this world, being able to go to university is a privilege.

To each his own, but i have accepted that i don't need friends, i have had them, but now i don't feel the need. All i need is people to share my interests with, as soon as it becomes 'personal' i get turned off and leave, i find it too tiring and am honestly not interested in being socially invested. Depending on who you are you can be perfectly happy with few/no friends.

If you do want friends, you can't put a timer or deadline on making them. It's one of those things where the more you focus on it, the less it happens, the more you focus on it the more desperate you look, and no one likes desperate, in the best case you get pity but not friendship, the more you focus on the outcome the more you will make yourself unhappy.

Friendship is more of a journey than a destination. The best thing you can do is try to define your interests and strengths and then try to find environments where these things are the focus. It at least gives you a common ground to talk about. Talking about interests gives people an opportunity to get to know you, to see your passion about the topic, and to appreciate you indirectly rather than see your desperation to find friends/a partner. Find a group of high functioning autistic people, chess club, photography club, gaming club, ... If you are in an environment where you feel comfortable, you should feel more relaxed and be more able to focus on the people around you and talk to them.

If you are on the spectrum, i personally don't see why you would go to speed dating anyway (unless its themed towards shy/introverted/autistic people). It's a high pressure environment, by its very nature you have only a couple of minutes to make a good impression, given the limited time, the instinctive element plays a much larger role, and if 99% of people are 'normal' or 'nt', then 99% of people are going to want an 'nt' partner. Maybe you can learn to 'fake' being nt, i did and i'm very good at it for short bursts, but it makes it all that much harder when you are forced to drop your mask.

Given the 99% NT thing, accept who you are, accept that having many friends is unlikely (but not impossible), look for environments and interests that play to your strengths, appreciate what you've got rather than being upset about what you don't.

 

[Datura]

Do you know what kind of terrible things the girl you dated is saying about you? This might provide clues as to which of your behaviors people find offputting. If there are any social skills classes (often geared toward autistic adults) or toastmasters clubs you may want to consider them. OlLiE also made a good point in suggesting you join a group centered around a special interest. This provides pretext for social interaction and tends to attract "nerdier" people, who often display aspieish tendencies, or are at least more tolerant of them.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh Dillion, I have been where you are and it is horrible! I used to come home crying and not wanting to go back to college, but my husband insisted. I did manage to pass exams, but it was a nightmare.

Like you, I enjoyed the classes, but no matter how friendly I tried to be, I was the one who sat on her own; the one who people treated as though I had the plague!

I dreaded lunchtimes and asked if I could continue with lessons, but was told that it was a ridiculous suggestion and go on, mingle. So, I sat on a bench and pretended it was the best place in the world and trying to hide the horrible lump of distress in my heart.

I did not even know about aspergers then and do wonder if it would have helped? Because I just was floundering so much and had no idea what I was doing wrong.

Zip forward several years on and things are no better. Oh, I have found a few females who seem to accept me for who I am, but they are older than me ( always the way) and so, are not able to get together.

I am with this woman, who knows I have aspergers and yet, she STILL mocked me. She kind of hits me and says: oh sorry, you don't take jokes do you? I tried to explain and then she said: heck, I was JOKING. Get it? I just clamped my mouch shut and walked on, otherwise, I would have regretted it.

Are you able to ask this girl, what it was exactly you said that was offensive? Or can you write a note to her?

 

[OlLiE]

I recognise being on the outside, it's the earliest memory i have, being alone on the outside, looking inside but not understanding what was going there, but keenly and painfully aware that i did not belong, and that was very painful for a long time.

At the end of the day i had to accept that i could not be anything other than who I am, and that i could not expect others to be other than what they are. From acceptance came liberation from self blame, from the disappearance of self blame came peace, from peace came the ability to focus, from focus came the ability to select those things and people that contribute to my happiness and to avoid those things that wore me out

through acceptance of self you can choose what things you allow to to upset you,
'if you can't change it, accept it, and move on to greener pastures'

being alone has the stigma of being 'bad' 'not the norm' 'strange', in reality it also has great aspects to it too: independence from other's opinions and judgements, peace, self understanding, control...the downside i have experienced is that i have become almost completely emotionally detached, to the point that i don't recognise them going on, and that the buildup actually has had physical consequences for me

i think it is important to understand whether you want friends for the socially interactive aspect of friendship, i.e. giving and taking emotionally/codependence or if you just instinctively need to adhere to the social paradigm that you must have friends to be happy, i.e. having friends is a tick the box exercise to be happy, i.e. it's all about your need for fulfilment rather than the shared experience of friendship, i.e. its one sided and few people will want to be your friend

 

[wight]

I went through university without making a single friend. I was socially pleasant but apparently unappealing? Anyway, I just focused on my classes and getting good grades and learning. That's what I was there for anyway.

I really think this "make life long friends at college" thing is something of a mythology anyway. No one I know talks to people they went to uni with. They are "oh yeah, we went to uni together" when they cross paths professionally, but otherwise... zip. Ditto for high school.

 

[Momo]

I too have no friends at school, but that doesn't mean I'd drop out or give up, that just means I'll have to work to do what I need to do. Honestly, I can't rely upon anyone else. The number of people who've treated me badly over the years is rather high, I just put up with it. I'm not dead yet, so I may as well get stuff done before I am.

 

[Keigan]

Go to university to learn and broaden yourself, friends will come eventually.

People will come towards you as you are more comfortable with yourself.

 

[Kari_Cookie]

I’m new here, and I am sorry to hear what you just experienced.

I would like to say it’s sounds more like their problem not yours. I agreed that university is a place to learn; it’s good if you have make some friends; if not, it’s jutst they maybe not the right people for you.

Things could be very different after years. It’s more important to do what you should do: for now it’s studying. Hope you will get better