neurodiversity-eating disorder quandry

[monkeyclogs]

i've been wondering how to ask this for a while because I don't want to create a thread that veers into diet and and weight. That could end up incredibly triggering for some. So, bear in mind this is entirely about thinking patterns not food.

I've had episodes of anorexia my whole life and been in and out of various treatment. I've read countless books, listened to many podcasts but my problem seems routed in a different way.

A lot of the support and help is around two things, body image and nutritional education and I don't have a problem with either. i've never really cared what I looked like and I fully understand my nutritional requirements.

I definitely think there's a significant factor of control at play. Relapses happen when I can't control other things. I suspect that could be an autism thing? With the as yet unclarified dual diagnosis of either bipolar or ADHD I'm beginning to understand a lot of my mental health issues may be created from the dichotomy of autistic need for routine and structure that is unobtainable when my brain creates it's own instability.

But I suspect there's an addiction element which could be a possible sign of adhd dopamine seeking, seeing the numbers on the scales come down is rewarding. I do find it frustrating that the assumption is i want to be underweight when i'm not really bothered about what the number is just that it's going down. Can this be true in autism hyperfocus sense or is this potentially ADHD?

I guess i'm interested in whether this pattern is familiar to anyone, food related or really in any situation based on similar thinking patterns.

 

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My weight has been up and down my whole life, and with me there is a very distinct pattern. I have always been prone to being on the heavy side, but if I'm depressed I become obese. Conversely, if I'm stressed I lose weight in a rather dramatic fashion, under extreme stress I'll lose 5 Kg a week no matter how much I eat. I think my metabolism is linked to my emotional state.

I've only ever stepped on to a set of scales about a dozen times in my life, and only once in the last 40 years. I know what I weigh by how my clothes fit. That might be a better guide for you too, you mentioned you like seeing the falling numbers on your scales, perhaps that forms another part of your problem.