Need to Vent to My People

[ftfipps]

Hello!! I'm starting to realize as I get my crap together that my family is crap. I'm a man and most men blindly love their family, especially their mothers. My dad is autistic for sure...he's been a cheap skate my whole life. He doesn't have normal friends except for people at his CHURCH...and unfortunate females he cons. he's an ass and he is sure to meniton me, the freak, all the time. I literally wish the dude was not present in my life at all. I don't want any contact with 'em ever. My brother is the same, he texted me crap on my phone that is not good at all...now, there's a permanent digital record of the crap the dude texted me and I want to hit the guy. I mean, I've been harassed day in, day out for a decade, then, I get my crap together and they mess with me even harder. Someone please help. What do I do?! Thanks in advance!!

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Forgive them and move on. Because someday you'll watch them age and get frail and forgetful. Sooner than you imagine, your father and mother will lose their physical and mental strength and become feeble, forgetful, and very sleepy and weak. It is your responsibility to look past their flaws and love them. Because in the end, family is all we have.

 

[1ForAll]

The good news is once you are living alone or not with them, if either of that is the case, you can shut them out of your life in all the ways you desire. Parents and siblings are not entitled to anything, if they treated us badly for long duration or if they are making our situation or conditions worse, regardless of their intention or their conditions. As adults, we have many freedoms.

I disowned my sister and Dad soon after leaving home. The sister was a lifelong narcissist, who felt she was better than everyone and entitled to everything, and who was trying to take advantage of everyone, and my Dad was physically abusive and severely neglectful. My mother was very domineering and critical, too, but showed some good side at times, but I had to distance myself from her too, when she enabled those others.

The less than ideal news is, if we really are getting things together mentally and physically, we should not be letting them upset us at any moment, as what they think and say should not matter if we moved on from them not only physically in terms of distance and much contact, and if in their attempts to contact we try to show instead our strength there in acting in a more in control, mature, or calmer way, then this may encourage them to harass us less.

I mean, it's ok to vent here and elsewhere, but if you ever choose to vent at them this will rarely work as they could try turning the tables on us, and they will sense our weakness and see us as prey. They will hear your emotion and not the message, and they will try putting you on the defensive and rarely then admit their wrongs. I tried that numerous times growing up telling them the wrongs they did, and often my pent up emotions erupted at them, but they never listened. This never helped as they were in denial of wrongs.

So, in my case, I worked on breaking off those contacts, as I had faith in my assessment that I had given then a very fair chance, to be nice or caring persons, and as I had faith in my abilities to handle things alone. I knew they would not or could not change; only I could. So, by changing my attitude, and putting forth my energies in helping myself, such then that even chance encounters with those I disliked or did not have anything in common with would not affect me adversely in any big way, this was my plan.

And now, instead of having hatred towards certain past family, two of whom died many years ago, I have moved on and hold no grudges, as long before their deaths I changed my attitude and efforts there. The energies were not spent on them anymore, but on myself. I eventually realized they likely were suffering in their own ways, too, as everyone had good, neutral and bad in them I feel. Some just can show the good more than the bad, whereas some show more the neutral.

The purpose of saying all this is not to say to follow exactly my lead, but I hope others too here can give you some hope that how we are today, and how we feel about ourselves and others today, need not be that way tomorrow.

 

[Aspychata]

See the point. I had very little contact with my family after 18.

In the same vein, some of us go thru life alone. And it is wise to make peace with this. It's no reflection on anybody if we don't have a ready list of *friends*.

I am usually better off with fewer people around me. Lately l have had two girlfriends in the state l live in trying to groom or suggest something l have zero interest in. Think l need to stay away from *girlfriends* who seem to have hidden agendas revolving around dictating that my raison d'etre is to be a personal slave. Why?

We seem to have people or family who circle around us with their hidden agendas. Call them on it, or banish them, or have very limited contact, instead adopt a cat or a dog or a bird or............

 

[ftfipps]

Like, I want nothing more to do with these people(family) ever!! I don't leave just because I'd rather deal with this than smell a bunch of unwashed buttcheeks and hear loud cursing and jabbering all day if I was homeless. Idk what I'm going to do. :/

 

[ftfipps]

The good news is once you are living alone or not with them, if either of that is the case, you can shut them out of your life in all the ways you desire. Parents and siblings are not entitled to anything, if they treated us badly for long duration or if they are making our situation or conditions worse, regardless of their intention or their conditions. As adults, we have many freedoms.

I disowned my sister and Dad soon after leaving home. The sister was a lifelong narcissist, who felt she was better than everyone and entitled to everything, and who was trying to take advantage of everyone, and my Dad was physically abusive and severely neglectful. My mother was very domineering and critical, too, but showed some good side at times, but I had to distance myself from her too, when she enabled those others.

The less than ideal news is, if we really are getting things together mentally and physically, we should not be letting them upset us at any moment, as what they think and say should not matter if we moved on from them not only physically in terms of distance and much contact, and if in their attempts to contact we try to show instead our strength there in acting in a more in control, mature, or calmer way, then this may encourage them to harass us less.

I mean, it's ok to vent here and elsewhere, but if you ever choose to vent at them this will rarely work as they could try turning the tables on us, and they will sense our weakness and see us as prey. They will hear your emotion and not the message, and they will try putting you on the defensive and rarely then admit their wrongs. I tried that numerous times growing up telling them the wrongs they did, and often my pent up emotions erupted at them, but they never listened. This never helped as they were in denial of wrongs.

So, in my case, I worked on breaking off those contacts, as I had faith in my assessment that I had given then a very fair chance, to be nice or caring persons, and as I had faith in my abilities to handle things alone. I knew they would not or could not change; only I could. So, by changing my attitude, and putting forth my energies in helping myself, such then that even chance encounters with those I disliked or did not have anything in common with would not affect me adversely in any big way, this was my plan.

And now, instead of having hatred towards certain past family, two of whom died many years ago, I have moved on and hold no grudges, as long before their deaths I changed my attitude and efforts there. The energies were not spent on them anymore, but on myself. I eventually realized they likely were suffering in their own ways, too, as everyone had good, neutral and bad in them I feel. Some just can show the good more than the bad, whereas some show more the neutral.

The purpose of saying all this is not to say to follow exactly my lead, but I hope others too here can give you some hope that how we are today, and how we feel about ourselves and others today, need not be that way tomorrow.

You are a sharp guy! I agree with several things you said including seeing us venting as a weakness. They tear into me like a dog tears into a steak. I have managed to improve tenfold over the last several months so maybe(hopefully) they'll back off a bit like you said. Thanks, dude!

 

[ftfipps]

See the point. I had very little contact with my family after 18.

In the same vein, some of us go thru life alone. And it is wise to make peace with this. It's no reflection on anybody if we don't have a ready list of *friends*.

I am usually better off with fewer people around me. Lately l have had two girlfriends in the state l live in trying to groom or suggest something l have zero interest in. Think l need to stay away from *girlfriends* who seem to have hidden agendas revolving around dictating that my raison d'ete is to be a personal slave. Why?

We seem to have people or family who circle around us with their hidden agendas. Call them on it, or banish them, or have very limited contact, instead adopt a cat or a dog or a bird or............

Thanks, doll.

 

[Au Naturel]

There is no conflict between forgiving them and disassociating from them. They have little choice about who they are and no choice about who they were. If they are toxic, write them off and move on.

No matter how much anger you stockpile, none of it will do you any good. You cannot change them and what has happened will always have happened whether you cry about it, stay angry about it or consider it an object lesson about how one ought not to behave. Do not relive the past over and over. It never changes.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Heres an old relic

You can live with those you cannot love,

Or you can love those you cannot live with.

Love is when you cannot live without them

 

[Fino]

Do whatever it takes to move out. I don't really know your situation, but you're saying you don't know what to do. Just do what you want and leave them behind.

 

[ftfipps]

There is no conflict between forgiving them and disassociating from them. They have little choice about who they are and no choice about who they were. If they are toxic, write them off and move on.

No matter how much anger you stockpile, none of it will do you any good. You cannot change them and what has happened will always have happened whether you cry about it, stay angry about it or consider it an object lesson about how one ought not to behave. Do not relive the past over and over. It never changes.

I agree completely. I wish I had gotten out of this hell hole a long time ago.

 

[ftfipps]

Heres an old relic

You can live with those you cannot love,

Or you can love those you cannot live with.

Love is when you cannot live without them

As true today as when It was written!

 

[ftfipps]

Do whatever it takes to move out. I don't really know your situation, but you're saying you don't know what to do. Just do what you want and leave them behind.

I need to figure out how to do exactly this. My current scene is getting old for sure.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hello!! I'm starting to realize as I get my crap together that my family is crap. I'm a man and most men blindly love their family, especially their mothers. My dad is autistic for sure...he's been a cheap skate my whole life. He doesn't have normal friends except for people at his CHURCH...and unfortunate females he cons. he's an ass and he is sure to meniton me, the freak, all the time. I literally wish the dude was not present in my life at all. I don't want any contact with 'em ever. My brother is the same, he texted me crap on my phone that is not good at all...now, there's a permanent digital record of the crap the dude texted me and I want to hit the guy. I mean, I've been harassed day in, day out for a decade, then, I get my crap together and they mess with me even harder. Someone please help. What do I do?! Thanks in advance!!

At some point you have to realize that some people are toxic to you. Here you are, all worked up over something that you really don't need to deal with. That kind of stress eats you up inside,...can even lead to mental and physical health issues. Do you really need people like that in your life? I will be 55 in a few weeks here,...you're 26,...I am telling you it goes quick. Life is way too short to be wallowing in that cesspool. I "unofficially" cut ties with my family. It's not that I had a big argument, stormed out the door, or slammed the phone on them,...I just simply slipped away,...no social media,...a quiet "Good-bye". Every once in while I might receive a text or phone call, but I have no plans on visiting. So much happier now.

 

[Martha Ferris]

You don't get to pick your biological family but you can pick the family that you want. I moved out at 20 until then I just survived hanging on by my fingernails. I hope you can distance yourself from those that hurt you physically, emotionally and mentally.

 

[ftfipps]

At some point you have to realize that some people are toxic to you. Here you are, all worked up over something that you really don't need to deal with. That kind of stress eats you up inside,...can even lead to mental and physical health issues. Do you really need people like that in your life? I will be 55 in a few weeks here,...you're 26,...I am telling you it goes quick. Life is way too short to be wallowing in that cesspool. I "unofficially" cut ties with my family. It's not that I had a big argument, stormed out the door, or slammed the phone on them,...I just simply slipped away,...no social media,...a quiet "Good-bye". Every once in while I might receive a text or phone call, but I have no plans on visiting. So much happier now.

Okay, but you are nearly three decades older than me. When you were my age, you coulda worked in a factory or something and raised 5 kids and went to whatever school you wanted to; etc. Times have changed. I did NOT have that same chance you did at success or the same experience you had AT ALL. That is why you were able to get away from your family. I'm stuck with mine until my dying day. You made enough money and you chose a career that didn't trash your body so you achieved independence.

 

[ftfipps]

You don't get to pick your biological family but you can pick the family that you want. I moved out at 20 until then I just survived hanging on by my fingernails. I hope you can distance yourself from those that hurt you physically, emotionally and mentally.

Hey Martha! My people are from New York, as well. I'm decently smart, I just cant figure out where to start in my quest for a career and independence. If I had the family business or a career path I would be a great asset to any company but I don't have anything. No college, no golden ticket(bachelors) nothing. I'm basically starting what I sould've started 15 years ago in a terrible, service based economy. It is quite frustrating. Take care.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Okay, but you are nearly three decades older than me. When you were my age, you coulda worked in a factory or something and raised 5 kids and went to whatever school you wanted to; etc. Times have changed. I did NOT have that same chance you did at success or the same experience you had AT ALL. That is why you were able to get away from your family. I'm stuck with mine until my dying day. You made enough money and you chose a career that didn't trash your body so you achieved independence.

Not quite. I was living pretty much check to check until about 10 years ago. I couldn't get enough financial aid to go to school as long as a was under my parent's thumb,...and legally declared my independence at 18 so that I could get some money for school. I was married at 19 and barely had enough gas money to go to work,...worked a few part-time, night shift jobs. Banks wouldn't give me a $1000 loan to buy a crappy little car. My wife's parents had to co-sign on our mobile home loan. We lived in a crappy little mobile home and went without meals. We were married for 8 years before we had enough money to even consider having children. When family and friends were going on vacation, even inviting us, we didn't have the money. Keep in mind, I routinely work over 40hrs/week and during the school year, closer to 50-55hrs/week to have what I have. I struggled and scraped along like a lot of people. Nothing was easy for me then, and still isn't now.

I think we are not appreciating each other's lives. Perspective taking,...a common problem with autistics. I can read your frustrations in your posts. I don't know what difficulties you are having with your autism. However, if there is an opportunity to learn a trade and start making some real money, make some investments, etc. that will go a long way towards your independence. Sometimes toxic people have this controlling aspect to them,...a lot of subtle mental abuse goes on,...the passive-aggressiveness, the tiny little insults, telling you what you can't do, how you're not good enough,...and how good a person they are for taking care of you, and you should be thankful. "Death by a thousand cuts", destruction of your self-esteem,...and you are convinced over time that they are right,...it can be a form of brain washing.

This doesn't have to be a back and forth with us. I am just saying, if you see a way out,...a crack in that door,...go for it.

 

[Fino]

It sounds to me as if you have no interests or aspirations and so are unable to choose a career. Correct me if I've gotten the wrong impression.

 

[ftfipps]

Not quite. I was living pretty much check to check until about 10 years ago. I couldn't get enough financial aid to go to school as long as a was under my parent's thumb,...and legally declared my independence at 18 so that I could get some money for school. I was married at 19 and barely had enough gas money to go to work,...worked a few part-time, night shift jobs. Banks wouldn't give me a $1000 loan to buy a crappy little car. My wife's parents had to co-sign on our mobile home loan. We lived in a crappy little mobile home and went without meals. We were married for 8 years before we had enough money to even consider having children. When family and friends were going on vacation, even inviting us, we didn't have the money. Keep in mind, I routinely work over 40hrs/week and during the school year, closer to 50-55hrs/week to have what I have. I struggled and scraped along like a lot of people. Nothing was easy for me then, and still isn't now.

I think we are not appreciating each other's lives. Perspective taking,...a common problem with autistics. I can read your frustrations in your posts. I don't know what difficulties you are having with your autism. However, if there is an opportunity to learn a trade and start making some real money, make some investments, etc. that will go a long way towards your independence. Sometimes toxic people have this controlling aspect to them,...a lot of subtle mental abuse goes on,...the passive-aggressiveness, the tiny little insults, telling you what you can't do, how you're not good enough,...and how good a person they are for taking care of you, and you should be thankful. "Death by a thousand cuts", destruction of your self-esteem,...and you are convinced over time that they are right,...it can be a form of brain washing.

This doesn't have to be a back and forth with us. I am just saying, if you see a way out,...a crack in that door,...go for it.

Oh, jesus. I knew people in similar situations to you. I was just frustrated because certain people compare what they went through, which was pillowy soft bc of their degree or their upbringing, and I grew up having to fight kids twice my size when I was 9. You sound cool, though, from the rest of the stuff you wrote. Take care.