Need Advice For Tattle Telling

[FlaMom]

Hello, I have a son 12, who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS about 8 years ago. He is currently on Focalin XR 30 mg, but we have noticed his medicine isn't working as well. We had a school meeting today with all his teachers and they said he is having a problem with "telling" on his peers, blurting things out in class. Middle school is difficult enough, but we are wondering what we can do to help?

 

[epath13]

Hello, I have a son 12, who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS about 8 years ago. He is currently on Focalin XR 30 mg, but we have noticed his medicine isn't working as well. We had a school meeting today with all his teachers and they said he is having a problem with "telling" on his peers, blurting things out in class. Middle school is difficult enough, but we are wondering what we can do to help?

Does he have an IEP and/ or behaviour plan? If he does, how your school team has tried to address these issues previously?
If you're in US and don't have an IEP, I would advise to request a meeting and to get one.
My son has similar issues. It's all about behaviour monitoring and teaching him how to express himself differently. 1st the cause needs to be identified and then the solution will depend on the cause.
Telling on peers, I think it might have happen to my son when he was younger. He did it when he felt his peers were doing something incorrectly. If a student is doing something potentially dangerous or hurtful to others I would encourage the "telling on" behaviour. You don't want him to become a bystander. A lot of people on Autism spectrum have a strong sense of justice and, I believe, it should be supported. If he does it in non-threatening situations but because his personal beliefs, about how things should be done, don't match his peers beliefs, then an intervention may be required and it may be necessary for him to learn that everyone is different etc. I think each issue needs to be reviews separately. With blurting things out - he might need to be taught how to express himself differently and to be constantly reminded about it. My son had a reward chart, for every couple of hours of acceptable behaviour and polite self expression he would have a few minutes break when he could do some favorite activity. At this age some kids may still struggle with self expression style and self-identity. I think some of it a part of natural development, some could be a part of Autism. I don't believe parents and educators should be too tough on the kids but some behaviours, which eventually may cause issues for a child, should be addressed and transformed.

 

[Ylva]

I guess his actual mistake is thinking that the teacher will set things right if only he tells her.

 

[zurb]

Move him to a school that better manages bullying? 'No tattle tales' is a stupid policy.
However, the issue might really be how he does it. You might need to teach him how and when to tell.

 

[raspyaspy]

I had similar behaviors as a kid and didn't have any idea I was annoying and even potentially hurting the feelings of the kids I genuinely thought I was helping. I didn't like other kids laughing at them when they struggled to read in class so I would correct or offer the next word.

I suggest appealing to your child's heightened empathy and getting him to understand how the other kids might feel shamed by the very public way he is calling them out on their bad behavior. Suggest ways they could more privately (with just a teacher or nicely asking the person to correct their bad behaviors) handle the problem.

My specific situation was that I was in counseling (for having no friends) and my school counselor in that time was amazing. She read from a book and purposefully stammered or misread and I would correct her as I did, then she had me read but did not interrupt. After, she pointed out that I had stumbled but she had not said anything and asked how I would have felt if she had. Then she said when you do this, it makes the other kids feel bad, which was the opposite of my intention!

I fully believe your son has a sense of right and wrong and wants that sense of order and correctness instilled in the classroom. If kids are doing something legitimately wrong, I don't think it is wrong to tell on them, but to would be polite to do so without embarrassing them. Perhaps try pointing out something "wrong" your son might do and ask how he would feel if you told all his classmates about it.

That is just what worked for me.

 

[Kari Suttle]

When i was a kid, me and my little brother didn't get along. Mom would always insist that we come to her and tell her if the other did something rather than trying to handle it ourselves - cause that usually didn't turn out pretty. This behavior generalized to when i was in public around my peers, even when it wasn't appropriate and my mom said i shouldn't tattle on them. Like telling on teammates when i was like eight for running around the shopping plaza and going in and out of the elevators like the kids they were. It bothered me a little too much as a kid when the kids around me weren't following the rules, and it took me until easily adulthood to learn why not to.

In my teens i stopped but didn't really understand why. Its not about rules and right or wrong, to me its about staying out of other people's business. If it puts someone in danger, stealing, or is cheating someone out of money or something serious like that then yes tell - there could even be legal issues for not telling in those situations. But otherwise, its their business. It doesn't affect you so leave it alone. The most any individual really has the right to do is refuse to participate, even a kid in school like your son. Try explaining it to your son that way and see if he understands it better that way - thats how i understand it.

 

[OliveOilMom]

Hi FlaMom, I would talk to him about how his telling on others so much is going to cause consequences for him. Let him know that while he may feel that he's doing the right thing by ratting out his peers, he's actually alienating them. As someone else said, I'd support him ratting on someone for something serious or dangerous but I'd really discourage him doing it about anything else. I'm an aspie and until I was explicitly told that telling on someone would cause them and others to dislike me, I never saw anything wrong with it.

I'd explain the way that society in school works and tell him that even though telling on someone is sometimes the right thing to do, that it can also cause other kids to be mean to him. Tell him that there are some things he needs to always tell about and other things he should leave alone. I'd list the things he should always tell about because at that age it's hard to see perspective sometimes. Tell him that unless it's something urgent and dangerous then the best thing to do is talk to you or his dad about it that evening after school and you could help him decide which things to tell about and which ones not to.

About the blurting things out in class, he could do that for a lot of reasons but the one that comes to mind for me is that he could think it's something really important and that can't wait. I'd try getting him one of those really small notebooks to keep in his pocket and tell him to write down whatever it is that he wants to blurt out instead and then mention it to the teacher after class.

As for the Focalin, what I'd say is to try Vyvanse instead. I have AS and my four kids are NT although I think my 19 yo son may have a mild case of AS because I've seen some things that make me think he does but he's not interested at all in going to the doctor and finding out. He is the kid who had the really bad ADHD for years. Strattera made him very negative and in a bad mood all the time so we discontinued that, Adderall and Ritalin made him jumpy and he couldn't stand the speed buzz feeling from it even when we gave him time release Adderall, but when we tried the Vyvanse for him it was great! We never tried Focalin or Concerta but Vyvanse was a Godsend for him. I'd give it to him about 5am and let him go back to sleep for an hour. By the time I'd wake him up at 6, it was kicking in and it would last for 15 hours. It didn't mess with his appetite and it didn't cause insomnia like Ritalin and Adderall did. He could even take a nap during the day when he was taking it. He was on it for years and we never had to increase the dosage and he was on 20mg for years. I'd really suggest talking to your doctor about trying Vyvanse if the Focalin isn't doing any good. It really worked well on his ADHD symptoms,

Good luck and I hope you get this figured out.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I think you'd have to also assess if he is even seeing it as "tattling". As epath mentioned- many on the spectrum have a strong sense of right/wrong, true/false, just/unjust. It's not about a sense of entitlement or feeling better than ones peers. I think it likely stems from the idea that there are rules and attachment to order and predictability. I am not certain of this but have discussed this with many other adults on the spectrum who are involved in the community or who are in a position to have exposure to various situations that involve a lot of people in various places on the spectrum. It doesn't seem a completely crazy theory.

If the teachers think the behavior is coming from a place of seeking attention, that may be partially right, but i would bet it is not the main reason and if it is addressed from that perspective it is likely to cause harm and also not be affective.

When we get older we start to understand a little more that right and wrong isn't binary- one or the other- but even now I have that sense of people breaking rules, of unjustice of the world, of wanting to just make things right. Not because I am in a better position to do this, merely because I see it and could. But I don't because as a 32 year old I often am able to have a larger perspective.

I still feel the frustration of not being able to put things in order though, and not understanding why the world doesn't work predictably and why people and classes and teachers and other students simply aren't fair. It's not about being right, for me, it's about unpredictability.

I don't have any specific suggestions- but that is what goes on for me, and I can relate to some of the things that I imagine he must be doing and possibly for similar reasons. I was also on stimulants for a long time and they helped to some degree. I wanted to share my perspective as an adult having matured with those feelings and maybe it would help. I hope so maybe a little. [hope it wasn't just a whole lot of babbling. sometimes I do that] :] I hope you can get this worked out.

 

[Ylva]

SignOfLazarus has a point. You risk that he never tells you anything ever again.

 

[Nick12]

tell him if someone is doing something dangerous he should tell a teacher right away