Navigating Public Life as an Autistic Person – Seeking Understanding

[Packet]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on something that’s been difficult for me to grasp: gender.

I want to approach this respectfully and with consideration for how autistic minds often latch onto concepts with deep intensity. So here goes:
I don’t understand gender. Not in a dismissive way, but in a literal cognitive sense. I have a body that visually aligns with what society might classify as male or female, but internally, I don’t experience a sense of gender identity. I’m not agender or gender-neutral in the way those terms are often used—I simply don’t comprehend the concept of gender as something that exists in my mental framework. I fully respect that some individuals may be able to understand the concept of gender, and need this to function, and I am not trying to dismiss them, this is just related to my own personal lived experience.

If there are physical differences in brain structure associated with sex, I accept that as part of my biological identity. But my neurodivergent brain seems to operate in a default mode that doesn’t favor one presentation over another. Hormones may influence aspects of cognition like spatial reasoning, but they don’t seem to touch the core of my consciousness—what I call my “neural weights.”

This leads me to a practical issue: bathrooms.

I feel uncomfortable using neurotypical gendered bathrooms. They seem to carry assumptions—like one sex being more aggressive—which don’t match my experience. In fact, I’ve found that people of all sexes can be unkind or even hostile toward neurodivergent individuals in these spaces.

I don’t relate to the idea of “gender-neutral” bathrooms either, because I don’t understand what “gender” is to begin with. What I wish existed is a neurodivergent bathroom—a space designed with sensory needs, cognitive safety, and social comfort in mind.

Right now, I often use the disabled toilets. I understand the reasoning: “not all disabilities are visible.” But this creates a kind of cognitive dissonance for me. I deeply value accessibility for those with physical challenges, and I don’t want to take space away from someone who may need it more urgently.

So I’m left wondering: is there a respectful way to advocate for bathroom spaces that consider neurodivergent needs without misappropriating resources meant for others?

I’d love to hear from others—especially those who are autistic or neurodivergent—about how you navigate this. Have you found ways to reconcile these feelings? What would an ideal bathroom space look like for you?

Thanks for reading, and for any thoughts you’re willing to share.

Regards,
Packet

 

[Packet]

Hi again,

Sorry for the double post—I know it’s good forum etiquette to pace things, but sometimes the stream of thoughts doesn’t rate-limit well in my brain.
Following on from my earlier post about gender and bathrooms, I’ve been thinking more about the spaces we’re expected to use as neurodivergent people.

Specifically: disabled bathrooms.

If these are intended to be inclusive of autistic people (as is often suggested with the phrase “not all disabilities are visible”), then I have to ask: why are they so overstimulating?

I’m using “ugly” here in the colloquial sense—not about aesthetics, but about sensory overload. These bathrooms often have:

• Harsh fluorescent lighting that flickers or buzzes
• Bright red pull cords that feel alarming rather than comforting
• Unpredictable smells from cleaning products or plumbing
• Echoey acoustics or loud hand dryers

For someone with sensory sensitivities, these features can make the space feel hostile rather than safe. It’s ironic, because the intention is clearly to provide accessibility—but the execution often overlooks the needs of those with sensory processing differences.

I don’t want to take space away from those with physical disabilities, and I deeply respect the importance of accessible design. But I also wonder: could we imagine a bathroom space that’s calm, low-stimulation, and cognitively safe for neurodivergent users?

Has anyone else felt this way? What would your ideal bathroom look like?

Thanks again for listening.

Regards,
Packet

 

[VictorR]

In regards to your first statement, have you considered if autigender might describe how you feel?
What is AutiGender? – The Relationship Between Autism & Gender – An Autistic Perspective

 

[Packet]

In regards to your first statement, have you considered if autigender might describe how you feel?
What is AutiGender? – The Relationship Between Autism & Gender – An Autistic Perspective

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for suggesting autigender as a possibility. I really appreciate your consideration and the openness of this space.

I did look into autigender, and I came across the definition: "Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is having a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one’s gender and autism cannot be unlinked." While I find that concept meaningful and affirming for many, I don’t believe it applies to me personally.

My sense of self doesn’t seem to include a gendered component at all. It feels more like a piece of code—neither male, female, nor neutral. Just... code. It doesn’t experience gender, gender fluidity, or even identity in the conventional sense.

So while I respect and understand the relevance of autigender for others, it doesn’t quite resonate with how I experience my own consciousness.

 

[Packet]

---

Just to clarify why I don’t interpret code as having a neutral gender—describing it as neutral would imply the existence of male or female code, which doesn’t quite make sense to me. While the output of code might generate traits that we culturally associate with gender, the code itself is just code. It doesn’t possess or express gender, nor does it experience identity or fluidity. It simply functions. That’s closer to how I experience my own consciousness—without a gendered framework at its core.

 

[Packet]

It’s a bit like how we historically referred to ships as “she”—assigning gender to something that’s ultimately just an inanimate object made of wood or metal. The ship doesn’t experience gender. Calling it “neutral” would still imply the existence of “male ships” or “female ships,” which doesn’t really make sense. It’s just a ship.

This feels close to the concept of “agender,” but even that seems to suggest that there are ships—or selves—that aren’t agender, which again feels odd. I’ve also looked into “polygender,” and I find it even more confusing. I just can’t seem to resolve any clear meaning from these concepts in relation to how I experience consciousness.

That said, I don’t dismiss that other people’s minds may have a different center—one that can resolve and relate to these ideas in a meaningful way. I respect that deeply.

 

[Packet]

Sorry again for the continued posts—I think I’ll take a break now and grab some lunch.

Before I go, I’ve been trying to resolve my thoughts down to a single neuron. If I try to conceptualize the idea of that neuron having a gender, I just can’t. It’s simply a neuron. Sure, it might be affected by hormones differently than other neurons, but if that were the case, it would lack free will. It can’t be polygender—it’s a single entity with no further internal process to break down. The atoms that make it up aren’t gendered either.

So maybe it’s “asexual”? But then again, what if one neuron is “male” and its neighboring neuron is “female”? Would that make a “polysexual” network? That whole concept of “polysexual neurons” feels far too abstract and disconnected from current discourse.

It’s all very confusing, and I just can’t seem to extract any coherent meaning from these gendered frameworks in relation to how I experience consciousness. That said, I absolutely respect that others may have a different internal architecture that allows these concepts to resonate more clearly.

 

[VictorR]

In regards to sensory friendly washrooms and accessibility, you raise some good points.

Accessibility in general is a relatively new field, it's only been in the past several decades that we've had legislation that mandates building accessibility for wheelchair users. Other innovations, like flashing lights / strobe fire alarms (so those who might not hear a fire alarm have a visual cue) are newer. In both of these examples, as is quite common when changes are made to improve accessibility for a specific group of persons, the changes benefitted everyone.

Sensory concerns is a relatively new field in the accessibility world - it's only in the past decade that we've started to see some (still rare) examples of grocery stores who offer sensory friendly hours, when lights are dimmed and music is played at a lower volume (if at all) to provide a better experience for those who may find it difficult to shop during regular shopping hours.

The majority of advocacy in this regard that I've seem is at the grassroots level, and when it comes to the built environment, changes can take a very long time to implement, even if supported.

As I stated earlier, improved accessibility tends to benefit everyone, and you may wish to consider reaching out to potential allies in your area to see if they may be interested in a local advocacy campaign, whereby you highlight how the changes help not just you, but everyone in your community.

 

[Packet]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and informative message regarding sensory-friendly washrooms and accessibility. I truly appreciate the time you took to share your knowledge and perspective.

Your explanation of how accessibility has evolved—from wheelchair access to visual fire alarms—was both enlightening and encouraging. I especially valued your point that improvements made for specific groups often end up benefiting everyone. That’s a powerful reminder of the broader impact inclusive design can have.
The insights you shared about sensory-friendly initiatives, such as adjusted shopping environments, were particularly meaningful. It’s heartening to know that even though this area is still emerging, there are grassroots efforts making a difference.

I also appreciate your suggestion to connect with local allies and consider community advocacy. It’s a constructive and empowering idea, and I’ll certainly explore ways to highlight how these changes can support not just individuals with sensory sensitivities, but the wider community as well.

Thank you again for your encouragement and for helping to deepen my understanding of this important topic.

 

[Rodafina]

@Packet
Maybe it would feel useful to invent a new word that more specifically describes how you feel regarding gender. It sounds like maybe there is no current word that accurately reflects your feelings.

Finding the exact right label can be impossible. Although labels can sometimes help convey a set of ideas, it’s not really required to tie ourselves to one.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on something that’s been difficult for me to grasp: gender.

I want to approach this respectfully and with consideration for how autistic minds often latch onto concepts with deep intensity. So here goes:
I don’t understand gender. Not in a dismissive way, but in a literal cognitive sense. I have a body that visually aligns with what society might classify as male or female, but internally, I don’t experience a sense of gender identity. I’m not agender or gender-neutral in the way those terms are often used—I simply don’t comprehend the concept of gender as something that exists in my mental framework. I fully respect that some individuals may be able to understand the concept of gender, and need this to function, and I am not trying to dismiss them, this is just related to my own personal lived experience.

If there are physical differences in brain structure associated with sex, I accept that as part of my biological identity. But my neurodivergent brain seems to operate in a default mode that doesn’t favor one presentation over another. Hormones may influence aspects of cognition like spatial reasoning, but they don’t seem to touch the core of my consciousness—what I call my “neural weights.”

This leads me to a practical issue: bathrooms.

I feel uncomfortable using neurotypical gendered bathrooms. They seem to carry assumptions—like one sex being more aggressive—which don’t match my experience. In fact, I’ve found that people of all sexes can be unkind or even hostile toward neurodivergent individuals in these spaces.

I don’t relate to the idea of “gender-neutral” bathrooms either, because I don’t understand what “gender” is to begin with. What I wish existed is a neurodivergent bathroom—a space designed with sensory needs, cognitive safety, and social comfort in mind.

Right now, I often use the disabled toilets. I understand the reasoning: “not all disabilities are visible.” But this creates a kind of cognitive dissonance for me. I deeply value accessibility for those with physical challenges, and I don’t want to take space away from someone who may need it more urgently.

So I’m left wondering: is there a respectful way to advocate for bathroom spaces that consider neurodivergent needs without misappropriating resources meant for others?

I’d love to hear from others—especially those who are autistic or neurodivergent—about how you navigate this. Have you found ways to reconcile these feelings? What would an ideal bathroom space look like for you?

Thanks for reading, and for any thoughts you’re willing to share.

Regards,
Packet

Just for practical purposes, at the hospital I work at, all of the bathrooms are private/single use. As such, it's either being used currently, or it's available. No confusion there. Having said that, there may be 10 individual bathrooms for staff and visitors to use on each floor. Sometimes, that means walking around to 2-4 different bathrooms to find one that is available...but not really the topic you wanted to discuss.

Reality: At least in the US, most every other place I have been in the bathrooms are either single occupancy or multi-stall. Occasionally, there are "family restrooms" for mothers and their children, with diaper-changing facilities. Given the current state of our culture in the US in 2025, and all the misconceptions, misinformation, cognitive biases, and so on...I would think that if you are trans, for example, you might be better off seeking single-occupancy bathrooms when out in public. I don't want to get into what is "fair", bathroom availability issues, or any potential morality issues...I am not trans so I can't and shouldn't speak on their behalf. I am just suggesting that in 2025, the general public is struggling with this new reality, and just like when lesbians and gays were becoming a public discussion in the 1980s, then gay marriage in the 1990-2000s, all of this takes time, sometimes generations before it just becomes "common" and nobody gives much thought to it anymore. In 2035, I am sure this whole "gender" discussion will have gotten old and boring and we will have moved on to discriminating and marginalizing some other group of people. You live long enough you see these cycles over and over again.

Now, this "gender confusion", "gender fluidity", "LGBTQ+" discussion is an important thing to consider because not surprisingly, there is a rather disproportionate percentage of these individuals who also happen to have an ASD. How a person deals with it is highly individualized given their specific situation, but for all practical and realistic purposes, although the world might not be ready for us, we need to find that balance of advocating for ourselves without causing a scene, if you will.

A recent trip my wife and I took to downtown Minneapolis, Minnesota to visit my son and his wife. It's a walking and public transportation city, lots of young people, and a lot of them also LGBTQ+...a lot. They are proud and loud with megaphones and graffiti spray painted on the buildings, quite literally. My first thought was, "Aren't you all just preaching to the choir?". You're all walking amongst friends here. You're just creating noise...and not a lot of signal. If you want real change, you need to be represented in local, state, and federal government.

Advocacy and representation for your cause needs to be through policy change. Protests are just disruptive noise. Nothing ever comes of it, leading to anger, frustration, violence, and worsening of mental health. Find someone with some influence, power, and authority who will stand up for your concerns and push through some real change.

 

[Aspea]

I think gender is a social thing, and so the extent to which we internalize being associated to a gender is influenced by how social we are. As I understand it, "feeling" like a "man" or a "woman" is something that happens in relation to others, who are expressing a gender identity.

I completely identify as a woman, but this is despite the fact that often times my internal experiences are not gendered. One cannot assign a gender to curiosity, obsessing, thinking intensely, reading a lot of interesting content, doing chores, etc. When I am socially isolated and just doing my thing, I don't think about gender and its just not relevant.

When others are around, suddenly you think a little bit more about your gender and how you want to express it.

 

[Misery]

you might be better off seeking single-occupancy bathrooms when out in public.

I'm trans myself, and this is exactly what I do.

Though, it's not REALLY because of bathrooms being gendered. The main reason for me is that, for whatever reason, single occupancy bathrooms tend to have a drastically higher chance of actually being clean, whereas traditional public bathrooms are more like playing Russian Roulette... 5 stalls, which one of them will be drenched in turds? Only one way to find out! And who knows, even if your stall is okay, the stall next to you might abruptly detonate depending on what's happening in there.

Also the smell of them. I dont really enjoy breathing in the stench of pure evil, so I would really rather not go into one if I can avoid it.

Whereas the single rooms are often pleasant and clean, and just less stressful. Harder to find, though. They still however often somehow manage to have those stupid dryer things that never work.

Now, this "gender confusion", "gender fluidity", "LGBTQ+" discussion is an important thing to consider because not surprisingly, there is a rather disproportionate percentage of these individuals who also happen to have an ASD.

I always wonder why this is.