jtab7800
Active Member
I hope that this is the right place for this post. My life keeps looking like it’s less and less worth living. The misery in my life has gone on for too long, and it just keeps pushing me, especially when my mother callously downplays it at all times, and tells me that I’ve always had what she calls the “life of Riley,” not caring how I feel about anything.
She is completely clueless about what I’ve been through, and the toll it has taken on me. It’s enough to make a person want to literally throw himself off the tallest building he can find, and I’m dead serious. It's causing health problems that might never be addressed, because my mother wouldn't take me to the ER or a doctor unless I was almost dead. It's I you have to be showing only the absolute most severe of symptoms, before she'll take me to get any medical attention.
Mom has even angrily called me a hypochondriac before. She keeps telling me that the waiting times at emergency rooms are far too long, and that ER doctors are nothing but quacks who are too incompetent to get a position as a doctor anywhere else in the hospital, or open a practice of their own. Mom has had a seething grudge against emergency rooms ever since 2014, when we took my brother to one, and it took literally 10 hours for them to find a hospital room for him.
Try to magine the reaction from someone like my mother -- someone who has never had any patience for anyone or anything. She has what might be called a double standard with patience -- a different standard for her, and a different standard for me. If it's something that she wants, it has to happen 10 years ago. If it's something I'm hoping for, it has to take as long as humanly possible, until such time as she's the one who's ready for it to happen. Isn't it a bit unfair that she has vastly different standards for the two of us? Maybe she would change her tune if she could walk a thousand miles in my shoes.
Though my mother acts the way she does, I still love her, and I'm worried about the aortic aneurysm that's inside of her that nothing has been done about. She hasn't been listening to the cardiologist's order to stay calm so it won't expand anymore and burst. It's like she doesn't care. And now one of our two little Yorkies, who is only 6-years-old, has been diagnosed with a large tumor in his abdomen, and we might lose him if his surgery on January 8th doesn't go well.
I’ve completely reached the end of my rope. The only way I’ll ever believe that my life will ever have any good in it is if I see solid, concrete proof, and that’s something I’ll never see. People think I’m going to live forever, and I do not have forever to have a life.
People need to remember that no one lives forever, and not many men in my family make it very far past 60-years-old -- my father was only 60 when he passed away, and his brother, my uncle, was only 59. My aunt on that side of the family was only 66.
I’ve always wanted to have a complete family of my own, but I'll nebver have that, because no woman on this Earth wants to give me a chance to show that I'm the kind of person who will be good to her. They seem to always want someone better-looking, and that makes me feel ugly. Womeon who treat me like garbage are never ashamed of themselves for it. It makes me wonder if there are any good people in the world. If there are, then they're as impossible to find as a needle hiding in a haystack the size of Jupiter.
Maybe I don’t need anyone in this world, if no one wants me. Maybe I’m better off as alone as people seem to callously want me to be. Maybe I deserve for Valentine’s Day to be as unbearably empty and miserable as it is for me every year. Maybe I deserve all the misery that I’ve ever had in my life, without having any help in making things better.
There is no way for me to meet anyone except for nothing but men, because that’s all Mom seems to ever want me to ever be around. She helps me find some kind of activity to do, and it’s nothing but all guys. I want to be around women too. I love women with a passion, but they hate my guts. My mother has an aortic aneurysm in her chest that nothing has been done about yet, and I want to have someone in my life BEFORE Mom’s aneurysm kills her. I failed while Dad was still alive, and I don’t want to fail while Mom is still alive. How much longer am I supposed to suffer in misery before anything good finally happens in my life?
I can't get my mother to listen to anything, but she'll listen to other people a lot better than she'll ever listen to me. I feel like, as long as I live with my mother, there will never be any hope for me. I can’t trust her to help me do anything about any problems, or for anything else. And I'm not asking anyone to do anything for me -- just a helping hand.
I’m not like my mother. I like to do something about my problems instead of doing nothing. It’s like she hates being understanding, probably because it would likely mean that she doesn’t have to be as agonizingly hard on me as she wants to be.
And if I ever do accomplish anything in my life, the chances of which are obviously zero, Mom would want it to be done her way, or no other way at all, on her terms or no other terms at all. She will not allow anything to be done on my terms, and I feel like she will not allow me to ever have any control over my own life.
I’m trapped in the situation I’m in, and there is no hope for my life to be any good. As a matter of fact, my life has been absolutely nothing, which makes me wonder why I was even born. I feel like I have absolutely no purpose on this Earth. I will never amount to anything, I do not deserve to know what it’s like to have someone in my life and be loved, and I do no deserve anything else good.
I know that people clearly think I still haven’t waited long enough for anything. Why else would no one ever be helping me try to end my agonizing loneliness? I might as well give up and be as miserable as everyone seems to want me to be. I can’t trust Mom, and I can’t trust any other people.
I will do what everyone seems to want -- lay down, give up, have nothing and no one, and continue to be so miserable that it’s likely to drive me to end it all by my own hand. This world would probably be a happier place without me in it anyway, because no one seems to care much. I don’t think my death, if it were to happen, would ever be seismic enough to straighten anyone up anyway, and make them treat others better.
I feel like I’m at rock bottom right now, with no hope of anything getting better. I don’t deserve anything good in this world. I never have, and I never will. I’m a worthless human being who will never amount to anything, and will never find anyone to love, because no one wants to help an autistic person with it. And considering who's in charge of the United States now, things are only going to keep getting worse for autistic people.
Why is it so impossible for me to even so much as even meet a woman? Maybe it’s time for me to stop trusting, and completely kill my emotions so I can’t feel anything anymore, not even the misery that's impossible for me to end short of doing something drastic. Living in this world is not working out for me. It’s a world that seems to truly despise autistic people, and I can’t stand being hated by the callous world that I live in.
And my mother sure doesn’t care how I feel. If I tell her anything about how I’m feeling about anything, the only thing she does is get annoyed instead of showing any sympathy. I feel like I truly am alone in the world, with no hope of any recourse, and no hope of any happiness whatsoever in my life. And I feel like I’m nothing but an annoyance to everyone. I just hope that it all won’t end up being goodbye for me. I feel like the world would be happy if I just died, went to hell, and stayed there, because I've been in that place from day one. I have a staggering fear of death, but a person can only be pushed so far before they break, and I feel like I'm only a thine line away from broken.
She is completely clueless about what I’ve been through, and the toll it has taken on me. It’s enough to make a person want to literally throw himself off the tallest building he can find, and I’m dead serious. It's causing health problems that might never be addressed, because my mother wouldn't take me to the ER or a doctor unless I was almost dead. It's I you have to be showing only the absolute most severe of symptoms, before she'll take me to get any medical attention.
Mom has even angrily called me a hypochondriac before. She keeps telling me that the waiting times at emergency rooms are far too long, and that ER doctors are nothing but quacks who are too incompetent to get a position as a doctor anywhere else in the hospital, or open a practice of their own. Mom has had a seething grudge against emergency rooms ever since 2014, when we took my brother to one, and it took literally 10 hours for them to find a hospital room for him.
Try to magine the reaction from someone like my mother -- someone who has never had any patience for anyone or anything. She has what might be called a double standard with patience -- a different standard for her, and a different standard for me. If it's something that she wants, it has to happen 10 years ago. If it's something I'm hoping for, it has to take as long as humanly possible, until such time as she's the one who's ready for it to happen. Isn't it a bit unfair that she has vastly different standards for the two of us? Maybe she would change her tune if she could walk a thousand miles in my shoes.
Though my mother acts the way she does, I still love her, and I'm worried about the aortic aneurysm that's inside of her that nothing has been done about. She hasn't been listening to the cardiologist's order to stay calm so it won't expand anymore and burst. It's like she doesn't care. And now one of our two little Yorkies, who is only 6-years-old, has been diagnosed with a large tumor in his abdomen, and we might lose him if his surgery on January 8th doesn't go well.
I’ve completely reached the end of my rope. The only way I’ll ever believe that my life will ever have any good in it is if I see solid, concrete proof, and that’s something I’ll never see. People think I’m going to live forever, and I do not have forever to have a life.
People need to remember that no one lives forever, and not many men in my family make it very far past 60-years-old -- my father was only 60 when he passed away, and his brother, my uncle, was only 59. My aunt on that side of the family was only 66.
I’ve always wanted to have a complete family of my own, but I'll nebver have that, because no woman on this Earth wants to give me a chance to show that I'm the kind of person who will be good to her. They seem to always want someone better-looking, and that makes me feel ugly. Womeon who treat me like garbage are never ashamed of themselves for it. It makes me wonder if there are any good people in the world. If there are, then they're as impossible to find as a needle hiding in a haystack the size of Jupiter.
Maybe I don’t need anyone in this world, if no one wants me. Maybe I’m better off as alone as people seem to callously want me to be. Maybe I deserve for Valentine’s Day to be as unbearably empty and miserable as it is for me every year. Maybe I deserve all the misery that I’ve ever had in my life, without having any help in making things better.
There is no way for me to meet anyone except for nothing but men, because that’s all Mom seems to ever want me to ever be around. She helps me find some kind of activity to do, and it’s nothing but all guys. I want to be around women too. I love women with a passion, but they hate my guts. My mother has an aortic aneurysm in her chest that nothing has been done about yet, and I want to have someone in my life BEFORE Mom’s aneurysm kills her. I failed while Dad was still alive, and I don’t want to fail while Mom is still alive. How much longer am I supposed to suffer in misery before anything good finally happens in my life?
I can't get my mother to listen to anything, but she'll listen to other people a lot better than she'll ever listen to me. I feel like, as long as I live with my mother, there will never be any hope for me. I can’t trust her to help me do anything about any problems, or for anything else. And I'm not asking anyone to do anything for me -- just a helping hand.
I’m not like my mother. I like to do something about my problems instead of doing nothing. It’s like she hates being understanding, probably because it would likely mean that she doesn’t have to be as agonizingly hard on me as she wants to be.
And if I ever do accomplish anything in my life, the chances of which are obviously zero, Mom would want it to be done her way, or no other way at all, on her terms or no other terms at all. She will not allow anything to be done on my terms, and I feel like she will not allow me to ever have any control over my own life.
I’m trapped in the situation I’m in, and there is no hope for my life to be any good. As a matter of fact, my life has been absolutely nothing, which makes me wonder why I was even born. I feel like I have absolutely no purpose on this Earth. I will never amount to anything, I do not deserve to know what it’s like to have someone in my life and be loved, and I do no deserve anything else good.
I know that people clearly think I still haven’t waited long enough for anything. Why else would no one ever be helping me try to end my agonizing loneliness? I might as well give up and be as miserable as everyone seems to want me to be. I can’t trust Mom, and I can’t trust any other people.
I will do what everyone seems to want -- lay down, give up, have nothing and no one, and continue to be so miserable that it’s likely to drive me to end it all by my own hand. This world would probably be a happier place without me in it anyway, because no one seems to care much. I don’t think my death, if it were to happen, would ever be seismic enough to straighten anyone up anyway, and make them treat others better.
I feel like I’m at rock bottom right now, with no hope of anything getting better. I don’t deserve anything good in this world. I never have, and I never will. I’m a worthless human being who will never amount to anything, and will never find anyone to love, because no one wants to help an autistic person with it. And considering who's in charge of the United States now, things are only going to keep getting worse for autistic people.
Why is it so impossible for me to even so much as even meet a woman? Maybe it’s time for me to stop trusting, and completely kill my emotions so I can’t feel anything anymore, not even the misery that's impossible for me to end short of doing something drastic. Living in this world is not working out for me. It’s a world that seems to truly despise autistic people, and I can’t stand being hated by the callous world that I live in.
And my mother sure doesn’t care how I feel. If I tell her anything about how I’m feeling about anything, the only thing she does is get annoyed instead of showing any sympathy. I feel like I truly am alone in the world, with no hope of any recourse, and no hope of any happiness whatsoever in my life. And I feel like I’m nothing but an annoyance to everyone. I just hope that it all won’t end up being goodbye for me. I feel like the world would be happy if I just died, went to hell, and stayed there, because I've been in that place from day one. I have a staggering fear of death, but a person can only be pushed so far before they break, and I feel like I'm only a thine line away from broken.
Last edited:
