My MD suspects Aspergers. I struggle tremendously. I have to see a specialist. What do you think?

[Athelstan]

My medical doctor suspects AS, but I have to see the psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis.

Later I will cover my social and work life.

Home/Personal Life:

I'll start with textures and sounds. Certain textures and sounds are very distressing for me. For example, I can't walk across a carpet barefoot. The feeling of the carpet is unbearable. If, for some reason, I do walk across a carpet barefoot, I'm forced to either get my feet wet to take away the nasty feeling or stand on a smooth surface, or both. Other examples include the inability to touch certain fabrics, such as clothing, which limits what I can wear. Hoodie strings and the feeling and sound they make when being adjusted are horrifying. Construction paper, wooden pencils, rough wooden surfaces, cardboard boxes, yarn, paper towels, certain furniture, and many other everyday things make my list of untouchables. If I touch something like this, I have to lick or lightly spit on the area that was affected so as to wash the feeling away, or again, touch a smooth surface. As for noises, loud noises are unsettling. They cause me to lash out and retreat to privacy. As a child the worst noise was vacuum cleaners; as an adult, screaming and yelling people, as well as lawn mowers are the worst noises. Certain textures that I dislike also come with noises that I cannot handle, and the combination of feel and sound is temporarily crippling. For example, wooden pencils. I hate the feel of wooden pencils, but also the sound they make when being used on paper. It causes my mouth to twist up and my body to shiver.

I'm married with three children. Despite this fact, I spend most of my time alone. I don't like being near people; no, not even my own family a lot of the time. I love them with all my heart and soul, but it's just simply impossible for me to be around people for too long. I prefer my privacy. I find people annoying and difficult to understand. If my wife tries to show too much affection, especially at the wrong time, I get flustered and upset and irritated; I feel like my space is being violated. If my children act like children and ask too many questions or pester me too much, I get upset and tell them to leave me alone. I then retreat upstairs to be by myself. My wife gets upset with me when I can't force myself to leave the house and go places. The world just isn't for me; I like my world, alone. I often think of divorce so I can just be alone. If my wife doesn't tell me at least one day in advance about plans to go somewhere, it's so upsetting. I didn't have any time to mentally prepare.

I make hardly any facial expressions and I'm usually monotone; that is, of course, until I get angry. I have sudden fits of unexplainable anger. Eye contact is difficult for me. If I can make it, I can't keep it. I'll be talking to the floor or the wall behind the person, rather than to the person.

My opinions are extreme. I love something or I hate it. I don't have many interest, but the couple I do have are obsessive and consuming. When I was a child it was ancient Egyptian history; as an adult it's Christianity and church history, as well as scripture and theology. I spend hours and hours researching and reading. I don't have any interest in objects and things. My area in my bedroom is bare; decorations and material objects and novelty items are nothing to me. I simply don't care for things. I want to, but I don't and can't. My clothing is the same bland clothing: black, white, or gray t-shirts and jeans. That's it. I hate formal attire, or dressing up of any kind.

I love reading and writing. What is interesting, though, is that I've always been highly advanced in reading and writing. As an eighth grade student, I had the reading and writing level of college freshman. Let's use the bible for an example: it's easier for me to read and understand the KJV, than, say, something like the NLT. I'm a perfectionist in most things. Let's use writing for an example: if I'm writing and I so much as cross a t or dot an i imperfectly, the whole sheet/paper is trash and I have to start all over.

This goes for all people, but since my wife is my primary contact, I'll use her here: I have a difficult time listening to what my wife is saying. She will have my attention, but soon I drift off into my own world and miss what she is saying. It makes me look careless and insensitive, but it's not the case at all.

I repeat conversations I have with people hours after I have them. I also repeat sentences I say. Not always, but I do. I'll say something and then find myself muttering the sentence again under my breath, sometimes over and over again. I also make clicking and whistling noises in my throat at all times of the day. I have a "tick" I guess, in that I'm constantly moving my eyebrows up and down, or bringing them together.

I can ramble on about history or topics I like, but I get upset when someone tries to share that interest with me. I feel ownership over my interests, and it makes me feel like people are trying to take them from me.

I have difficulty with sleep. My mind won't stop racing, making it hard to drift off. I wake up all throughout the night, causing me to get up earlier than I should. I think a lot of the problem is, I can't stop thinking about my obsessions.

There's much, much more. As I find time, I will also cover my social life and the anxiety I feel, and the difficulties I have in the job field. I suppose the point of this thread is for me to share what is happening in my life, and to see if anyone connects with my struggles at all, and if this sounds like Aspergers. Thanks for reading.

 

[Athelstan]

Social Life:

I have almost no social life. I am a hermit. Most of my interaction with people comes from forums and Facebook. I have severe social anxiety. I cannot talk to strangers at all. It's distressing and my face flushes uncontrollably, a condition known as Idiopathic Craniofacial Erythema. If I'm in a store and a stranger asks me a question or says hello, it's as if I've been shot. It's that bad. Even if I know the person, and they say something to me without me seeing it coming, it's bad. If I see someone I know coming my direction, I bolt so I don't have to interact with them. My wife has to take care of most things for me that involve being social; such as returning something to a store, asking someone a question, etc.

I can't begin or hold a conversation. If the other person can't keep small talk going, I sit or stand there awkwardly. They soon realize something is different and make an excuse to get away from me; it's like I'm a freak. And of course, little to no eye contact. A lot of my problems have to do with not fully understanding what is being communicated to me, and I struggle to communicate what I mean, what I'm trying to say. I hate talking. My tone is monotone and my face expressionless. I know this. I don't have a good sense of humor. Most of the time I fail to laugh at jokes, for I didn't realize they were joking, and if I did, it's simply not funny. That makes for many awkward situations. I have ONE good real life friend, who has been my best friend since kindergarten, but these days we only speak or hang out once a month or so. As I grow older, the desire to keep or maintain relationships is diminishing.

There was a time in my life where I began to abuse alcohol. Alcohol numbed my feelings, my thoughts, my sensations. It made me appear normal, capable of going out. That was temporary, though. Eventually alcohol stopped helping, but I continued to abuse it in self pity. Already being angry and frustrated with my life, my struggles and people failing to believe and understand that everyday is a battle that is incomprehensible to them, it fueled outrages. I would fight people stone cold drunk. The worst and final case was when I snapped on my mother. She had always failed to understand me and that I was different. I resent her for throwing me out and not listening to me. I resent her for not believing me, for throwing me and my brother away like unwanted dogs. I was drunk one night and went to her house. She told me to leave. That was it for me. The rage from feeling like a failure and an idiot, the rage of being different, of being thrown out by the person I love most in this world and want nothing but acceptance from, caused me to lose my mind and break out window. That was when I knew I had to give the alcohol up. It wasn't helping my problems, but making them worse.

Work Life:

I can't hold a job. I work for 6 months, then I'm off for 6 months. To even get myself to an interview is the battle of my life. When I am able to land something, I'm always the best worker. My bosses and coworkers love my work. I'm focused and hard working. I lose track of time just doing my job. Things quickly grow sour, though. My social anxiety keeps me from forming friendships at work. I don't talk to coworkers unless forced to. I can't participate in meetings, and I hate working in groups or with a partner. Everything just goes wrong and gets messed up when people are involved in my work. I don't speak to them, so they assume they can take the lead on my work and it makes me mad. I get an attitude. Soon everything appears grim. My coworkers hate me, my work isn't good enough, nobody compliments me enough anymore. Am I wanted? I don't think I'm wanted... And then I quit. Wash, rinse, repeat. Made worse, I can only get jobs where I'm not working with the public AT ALL. Simple jobs like a cashier are not possible for me. It also has to be guaranteed that I won't work with people often. Finding a suitable job is extremely difficult.

 

[Athelstan]

These days depression is taking me over. I just lay in bed and cry and cry and cry, praying to God to make me better, to make me normal, for people to understand.

I don't want to be made fun of here for sharing some of what I'm about to share. No judging either. It just... Happens.

Back to not understanding people, it's often a misinterpretation issue. Tones and body language. Ok here goes... Almost every female around my age that shows kindness to me, or shows any kind of interest in me, I always misinterpret their body langue and tone, and their kindness and interest in me, to mean that they want to have sex with me. They want to have a relationship with me. They want me.

Let me expand on this issue a little more. I don't go around sexing it up and trying to get involved in affairs. These are thoughts and interpretations that are happening in my head, making for awkward social interaction --- as if it wasn't bad enough as is.

On the other side of that, and kind of going back to my work woes, I frequently misinterpret body language and tone to mean that people hate me, they're criticizing me and attacking me. They think I'm stupid and ugly.

With the seeing everyone around me as criticizing me, hating me, thinking horrible thoughts about me, there's no talking me out of it. I just know. They hate me, they think bad things about me. I can just tell. Look at them. Don't you hear it?

^ That's what it's like for me. I will express this to my wife, and she, seeing things the way they truly are, will try to tell me they didn't mean it that way, or they're not attacking me. But there's just no talking me out of it.

I also always react inappropriately to bad news or others sorrows by smiling as if it's funny to me, but it isn't. That's just my reaction. Sometimes it's a huge cheesy disrespectful grin. I have no idea why. That's always disturbed me. I never actually find it amusing at all.

 

[Nadador]

First off, welcome to AC, Athelstan. It sounds like you do indeed belong with us, so I'm very happy you found our forums. I think you'll find any number of people here who share many of your symptoms, and so can empathise and provide support.

Has your physician referred you, yet? You have done an excellent job, here, of documenting your condition as you experience it. You would do well to print this out and submit it to your psychiatrist or psychologist, perhaps even in advance your first appointment, so your session might be more productive. If you attach a note as to why you are giving advance information, your therapist should understand, and be glad for the information.

This is a very important question for you to consider right now, as you await formal diagnosis: How do you feel about the idea that you may have AS? Explore this thoroughly, starting now, if you haven't already. It will help prepare you for the transition from being a possible Aspie to an confirmed one. Even if a diagnosis comes as a relief, there will be other psychological impacts to be dealt with, possibly for quite a long time, before you come to full self-acceptance.

I also want to mention that you may be looking at multiple diagnoses, here. Because of this:

"I also repeat sentences I say. Not always, but I do. I'll say something and then find myself muttering the sentence again under my breath, sometimes over and over again. I also make clicking and whistling noises in my throat at all times of the day. I have a "tick" I guess, in that I'm constantly moving my eyebrows up and down, or bringing them together."

I have Tourette's [TS] in addition to Asperger's [AS]. The two conditions occur co-morbidly quite often, though overlapping symptoms can cause clinicians to attribute everything to the AS once it has been diagnosed. Sometimes it's for lack of understanding or perception, sometimes out of laziness. You may want to raise the possibility of Tourette's as a separate issue. You will find that you will often have to be your own advocate with doctors over these conditions. I would advise that you go in with the mindset that you are not going there as a passive recipient of information. You are the expert on your experience, and the doctor is the expert on the clinical psychological and physiological aspects. It will take a true collaboration, as equal partners, for your experience of therapy to work best. Think about this very carefully, so that you might feel less helpless and vulnerable as you seek help.

Whether it's down to AS or TS, I can give you a name for the verbal symptoms you describe. The tendency to repeat what is said by others is "echolalia" [Eck-o-LAH-lee-ah], and the tendency to repeat oneself is "palilalia" [Pah-lih-LAH-lee-ah]. Learning the terminology for your symptoms will help you explore your conditions on your own, as well as help you communicate knowledgeably with you doctors. You will find a lot of the terminology you need in the conversations here at AS, and please feel free to ask us anything you want to know.

One more thing for your consideration of possible co-morbid TS. Motor tics, like the ones you delineated for us, come with a certain sort of "urge" with TS. One feels compelled to do it, like wanting to scratch an itch. This is called a "premonitory urge". AS-related tics, in my experience, are less compelled, and either happen spontaneously or are done deliberately as self-comforting behaviour [the latter are called "stims"]. Do you see the difference in what I've described?

Again, welcome to our community. Make yourself at home!

John [58, self-diagnosed for 10+ years]

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Howdy! I just read your post and I must say it sounds like you're an Aspie. Of course I'm an NT so I'm going to let the other fine Aspies on this site discuss with you what they think.

I just want to welcome you and say you came to the right place. I'm Grumpy Cat Nurse Angie btw.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Over all, I think you'll fit right on in here. Many of us share a lot of the same points and experiences, with expected variances on what we find fascinating.

My automatic reaction to bad things is to laugh, so I get where you're coming from on those uncomfortable situations you unintentionally contribute to. Someone falls and cracks a head, I promise I'm not a jerk, it's some kind of messed up defense mechanism!

Since work is going to be the one issue you can't really bluff through or avoid, do you have any natural talents or interests you can exploit? A pretty big chunk of autistic people end up self-employed since it's the most reliable thing we can find. We brainstorm around here every so often about things we can do to earn some income. Some here swear by getting a proper diagnosis to help out with any little things you can use to help you at work, like permission from the boss to wear noise-cancelling headsets. If you have a terrible memory for lists, write down a bunch of points to talk about with your specialist if you feel that will help them make a more accurate diagnosis.

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AC. Yes...it sounds like you've hit on many classical aspects of ASD. You'll find you have a lot in common with the rest of us...

 

[Ste11aeres]

My automatic reaction to bad things is to laugh, so I get where you're coming from on those uncomfortable situations you unintentionally contribute to. Someone falls and cracks a head, I promise I'm not a jerk, it's some kind of messed up defense mechanism!

I used to laugh when I was scared. Usually the thing I was scared of was a person who was angry at me. My laughter didn't help things! (nowadays I no longer get scared: I don't know if I would still laugh if I did).
In a show The Good Doctor, about an autistic intern-doctor in Korea, there's an interesting scene where someone else, frustrated with him, actually hits him, knocking him down, I think, and he starts smiling, almost sort of laughing.

 

[Cali Cat]

Hello, Athelstan. It certainly sounds like you have many traits indicative of Asperger's Syndrome. I relate to much of your self-description, though you seem to experience certain things to a greater degree than I. I agree with John (Nadador). I believe you may be looking at multiple diagnoses as well.

What you mentioned about interpreting kindness and interest from females as a sign that they want you in a sexual way reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. He seriously believed women were flirting with him even though I could see (and would tell him) they were just being friendly. I could never figure out how he came to his conclusions. I just assumed he didn't understand women very well and/or was letting his ego go to his head. It's interesting to hear that someone else interprets female kindness/interest similarly.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the information you seek here.

 

[AsheSkyler]

It's interesting to hear that someone else interprets female kindness/interest similarly.

Heehee, especially if they aren't already a female to begin with! I'm sure I'm not the only Aspie female here that smiled at a guy who was just being mannerly by holding a door or something only to get wild rumors started about how I was sleeping around with him and a few nasty insults directly.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Heehee, especially if they aren't already a female to begin with! I'm sure I'm not the only Aspie female here that smiled at a guy who was just being mannerly by holding a door or something only to get wild rumors started about how I was sleeping around with him and a few nasty insults directly.

People always immediately assume that I'm not sleeping around with anyone. I'm not, (and that's by choice), but I'm not sure how I feel about that fact being so, umm, obvious to everyone.

 

[Athelstan]

I'm burnt out on typing, and I'm interested in reading replies. I will begin to answer all of them later on this evening. Thanks, everyone.

P.S. Let's drop the sex talk. More AS talk.

 

[Athelstan]

Nadador: Thank you for the reply. My doctor has not yet referred me to a psychiatrist. She said she would call me this week with one. My doctor was really great. She listened to me, sympathized with me, and was so kind and patient. This was my first time seeing her. She said she wanted to find the perfect person for me to talk to, as she suspects Aspergers and some sort of sensory disorder. I myself had never considered Aspergers. I didn't even know it was something I could have. I knew that it was related to Autism, so in many ways I always connected it to people on the more extreme side. I have done some research, and this isn't something I'm ashamed of it; it isn't something I want to refuse to believe I have. I simply want to move forward. I personally believe that I, without a shadow of a doubt, have this.

Part of my struggle is over thinking things and working myself up to the point of paranoia. I had considered printing this off, but I didn't want to come off as someone trying to self diagnose. And then I thought, well, what if the physiatrist needs to observe me as I tell him or her of my struggles? What if, what if, what if.

I'm not sure about Tourette's, but maybe. By saying that I do these things all day, it's not that it's uncontrollable. I find myself making the clicking and whistling when I'm stressed, anxious, upset, overloaded, etc; when I'm struggling. It's comforting. I just start doing it, like s defense mechanism. It also soothes me and sometimes helps me to fall asleep. I'll be laying in bed at making a light whistle noise until I fall asleep. The movement with the eyebrows I have no idea why I do. It's never at a consistent time, or because of consistent reasons. It's just something that I do throughout my day. My daughter often asks why I do that "thing" with my eyebrows; I don't know? It feels good? I don't know.

With repeating conversations and sentences, it occurs mostly in my head, over and over again. Often time they manifest verbally. That's what I mean by not always; always in my head, not always manifested verbally, but sometimes. Is echolalia and palilalia a Tourette's thing? Or is it an ASD thing? A different issues entirely that is associated with AS?

 

[Warmheart]

Deep breaths, my friend. You're doing the best you can! Your doc, your psych therapist too, will help you get this sorted out. Now that you have an idea that it sounds like ASD, you can give yourself credit for having courage to begin finding ways to make your life easier. A therapist very familiar with working with adults with ASD can help you to streamline your life. Plus, there are helpful things like weighted blankets, Irlen lenses, fidget toys, and other items we use to make the world feel gentler to our senses and nerves. In time, once you begin to find some stability and calm, you'll even be able to look at the aspects of your ASD that make you wonderfully talented and special. (Yes, this will come.) When you are feeling calmer, more stable, and your self-esteem is in a sunnier state, you can even find a couples therapist who specializes in AS couples therapy, if you want. The best of these treat the AS partner with respect, help the NT spouse understand things from the AS viewpoint, giving you breathing room. They can also create a safe space where the NT spouse can express compassion as well as his/her needs regarding AS tendencies. AS tendencies never go away, but they can be managed, so you and your family can function more comfortably for everyone involved.

It's scary to hurt and learn our suffering is from something that won't go away. But, there are solutions and ways to streamline our lives, ways to gain space, quietude, peace, stability, strength, and appreciate our unique talents and skills. I'm sending you positive thoughts for today!

 

[Athelstan]

Cali Cat: Was your ex-boyfriend an Aspie as well?

 

[Cali Cat]

Cali Cat: Was your ex-boyfriend an Aspie as well?

I believe he is. He didn't have an official diagnosis for it though. His diagnosis is for bipolar disorder 1 (includes psychotic episodes) and a couple of personality disorders that he wouldn't share with me. His sister told me about them, but she didn't remember what they were. I was very surprised he wasn't diagnosed with AS actually. Maybe it just got lost in the myriad of other symptoms he exhibited. He is not very forthcoming with information, and the doctors weren't with him 24/7 for months at a time like I was. Also, he is English and lives in the UK. I don't know how good their psychiatric facilities are and what kind of training doctors have in diagnosing adults with AS. I certainly had my doubts about the quality of care he was receiving when I was there.

 

[Athelstan]

I often make women feel uncomfortable, and I'm not talking about just young women my age (24) that I misinterpret kindness from. It's when I'm listening to them. And this goes for men too, but men don't have breasts. As I said earlier, I often speak the the floor or the wall, rather than to the person. However, when I'm listening to the other person speak, I find that I stare at their neck/chest area and nod my head over and over again. I promise I'm not starting at their breasts. Sometimes my trance gets broken because they fidget and cross their arms over their breasts, zip their jacket, or bring their shirt or sweater together to hide their breasts/cleavage. I just want to scream, IM LOOKING THROUGH YOU NOT AT YOU!!!

 

[Athelstan]

It doesn't matter what they're saying, either. It used to be that I didn't give off any cues that I was listening, and it would be confusing for me and the person. I find now that I just nod yes, over and over again, and repeat "yeah".

 

[epath13]

I often make women feel uncomfortable, and I'm not talking about just young women my age (24) that I misinterpret kindness from. It's when I'm listening to them. And this goes for men too, but men don't have breasts. As I said earlier, I often speak the the floor or the wall, rather than to the person. However, when I'm listening to the other person speak, I find that I stare at their neck/chest area and nod my head over and over again. I promise I'm not starting at their breasts. Sometimes my trance gets broken because they fidget and cross their arms over their breasts, zip their jacket, or bring their shirt or sweater together to hide their breasts/cleavage. I just want to scream, IM LOOKING THROUGH YOU NOT AT YOU!!!

You sound A LOT like me, it's crazy I find the sensitivity the hardest thing to deal with... and the looking all over the place when talking to people... nowadays I try to be a little bit more aware where I'm looking so I can readjust but it still happens a lot, especially when I'm overwhelmed...