My father is perpetually angry at me

[Fridgemagnetman]

What a hateful thing to say to a stranger.

Is it?

Or is there an opportunity here to look at things differently.

Why would a stranger say such a thing?
Has the stranger read my previous posts?
Has the stranger also made mistakes and fought a hard to recognise them?

Does the stranger have any insight into my situation?
Can the strangers that,in a lot of circumstances, I am creating the drama by my own behaviour?

Can the stranger see that I should be taking responsibility for my self and change?

Can the stranger see that I am asking the wrong questions?

Should I ask myself ' how do I change for the better and produce a different outcome in my life?'

 

[GadAbout]

Mother told me to “Bugger off and stop talking about that crap” and my father said “would you just shut up” when talking about applying for graduate jobs.

That crap? What crap? The same old complaints - evidently you complain about certain subjects repeatedly and Mom is sick of it. When talking about graduate jobs ... not sure why he didn't want to hear about this but you tend to obsess, worry, and complain a lot.

The abuse and hate I received this morning for simply talking to them is completely unwarranted. And I am SICK of it

Okay - so leave. What other choices do you have? Evidently everyone in this picture is sick of everyone else. Spread your wings, little bird, and fly.

You clearly want love and support and sympathy, but there's something about you that is abrasive and entitled, and this tends not to get you what you want. An endless loop. I suggest you pinch yourself every time you catch a complaint or whine coming out of you, to remind yourself what it's like to be on the listening end.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Look at it this way :

I've made mistakes,loads of them, and blamed other people or circumstances for far too long in my life.

I sorted it eventually.

I didn't have the sensible idea to ask for help.

Which is the direction you seem to be travelling in.

It's hard to listen sometimes but it can be one of the best life long skills you can learn.

As a fool myself, I did persist,and may have become wiser - eventually.

 

[SixTimesNine]

I had a similar relationship with my father. ASD was not a factor. Eventually, I understood that he had full-blown narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders (he was professionally diagnosed), and probably other Cluster B disorders such as borderline personality disorder.

In other words, he was a psychological train wreck. .

This sounds a lot like my mother-in-law. I also reduced contact with her to an absolute minimum. I was embarrassed to go to restaurants with her because I would have to apologize about her behavior to the waitstaff. She was a nasty drunk, too. Nonetheless, I was the "rude" one! (At her funeral, my brother-in-law said--to everyone attending--that it got much easier to deal with her after she was diagnosed with heart failure because that finally got her to stop drinking.)

 

[novart]

I'm extremely hesitant to go digging into a person's post history. Is all the condescending talk toward OP really necessary? Because on the surface it doesn't appear to be.

 

[GadAbout]

I'm extremely hesitant to go digging into a person's post history. Is all the condescending talk toward OP really necessary? Because on the surface it doesn't appear to be.

There's a phenomenon in psychotherapy called transference. The reaction the patient/client has toward the therapist is not meaningful in itself so much as it is emblematic of how the person interacts with others. This feels a whole lot like that. See, some of us have interacted as helpfully and supportively as we know how with the OP and he never hears what we have to say, but just goes on complaining, usually about how he has been treated badly. I'm pretty sure this dynamic plays out in OP's home life too, but does he come here and ask "How can I get my father to discuss my job hunt with me?" No, he comes here and complains how mean his father is ... also mother ... also sister. His sister has "horrible moods" because after her full day, at 9 p.m., she doesn't want to drive OP places for his recreation ... but meanwhile he does nothing whatsoever to arrange his own recreation (but has plenty of excuses, that do not stand up to scrutiny).

The pattern is: complain --> get rejection or ignoring --> you are a horrible person.

I didn't "dig into (OP's) past post history" - i just remember how he treated me, including name-calling - and have no desire whatsoever to try to help him any more.

So sue me.

 

[Creep]

I have never had an easy relationship with him. I am in a constant kerfuffle and I get/receive little in the way of sympathy from him.

Recently, his anger and frustrations at me has intensified. Everything I do seems to annoy him.

How does his anger manifest?

- He disagrees with most everything I say.
- He never tells me what people are discussing or have discussed. If I persist his response is 'you should've got off your arse and came in then'.
- He never has any sympathy for my social anxiety or social issues associated with my condition. Ever. Just yesterday he blamed me for my lack of friends and the rude behaviour of members in a social group that I attend. i.e. he always takes their side.
- Bottom line everything I do seems to anger him.

I do not know what this is all about or why I anger him so much. I don't usually speak to him that much. But when I do his response is usually anger.

He is this way to my mother at times, but never my sister. It's just an intense constant anger.

I'm tired of it and can't cope with this anymore. My mother will not defend me.

I’m sometimes struggling in my relationships with my parental units. I ask myself: are they on the spectrum? I ask myself: how were they raised? I practice remaining calm. I meditate: what have I received from this person? I ask myself: what have I done for them lately? It takes a lot of energy not to act like a jerk when someone else is behaving badly. I’m a low-energy person. All I can do is try harder. If all else fails, buy delicious foods to eat & share. If they seem nasty in the morning, try giving them a wide berth until noon. If they snap at you for speaking, try remaining silent. If a certain subject seems to trigger their rage, try talking about the weather or cats. Relationships are work son. Good luck.

 

[GadAbout]

I have two adult autistic children. My son around age 15 developed huge rage reactions toward me, as well as very often yelling extremely loudly at me (which is not great considering I am noise-sensitive) and blaming me for things when I had done nothing wrong. We are estranged today, and according to him that is all my fault. I guess he didn't get what he wanted out of me.

My daughter, on the other hand, was much more empathetic, sometimes asking me what I needed if I felt sick, and has maintained a relationship with me that we both enjoy, if we can only be together a limited duration before we feel bristly. She occasionally yelled at me, but I told her she should leave now when she tried that around age 25, and I said "I was not put on this earth to be a verbal punching bag for you and your brother."

The point is, autistic adult children can be real pains in the asses, and blaming your parents, once you are yourself an adult, is a lose-lose-lose proposition. Grow up!

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes it is hard to listen and hear the wisdom. We get on our mules, ride the same track over and over because it's familiar, it is our normal. So we can't hear the answer to the problem. So this forum is asking you to step up and perhaps think about a longterm plan that involves moving out, and perhaps cutting contact, because this relationship sounds toxic for everyone.

 

[Creep]

I’ve also found practicing verbal de-escalation helpful. Sometimes I need to verbally de-escalate myself.

 

[Diana Haynes]

I feel something similar. My father is my only family and he’s very supportive in general but ASD symptoms anger him. Straight up. I made the connection with my boys. Both are ASD as well and he just rants and ridicules them into meltdowns. It’s too inconvenient for most neurotypicals to learn how to understand the disability aspect. PDA is just laziness to them and their negative behaviour/ reactions invoke rejection sensitive dysphoria. I find my father and seemingly more frequently others don’t stop to think of the impact of their own behaviours. And we need people who can model patience and understanding. I have to teach my son how to properly stim while my father is always just furious that he wrecks his shirts. It’s a simple example of how what should be cope coaching turned into emotional abuse. It’s a simple matter of understanding but a lot of people just don’t have that drive to learn.
I love my father but it’s hard to be the one taking a verbal lashing about my impulse control from someone displaying a lack of impulse control.

I have never had an easy relationship with him. I am in a constant kerfuffle and I get/receive little in the way of sympathy from him.

Recently, his anger and frustrations at me has intensified. Everything I do seems to annoy him.

How does his anger manifest?

- He disagrees with most everything I say.
- He never tells me what people are discussing or have discussed. If I persist his response is 'you should've got off your arse and came in then'.
- He never has any sympathy for my social anxiety or social issues associated with my condition. Ever. Just yesterday he blamed me for my lack of friends and the rude behaviour of members in a social group that I attend. i.e. he always takes their side.
- Bottom line everything I do seems to anger him.

I do not know what this is all about or why I anger him so much. I don't usually speak to him that much. But when I do his response is usually anger.

He is this way to my mother at times, but never my sister. It's just an intense constant anger.

I'm tired of it and can't cope with this anymore. My mother will not defend me.

I have never had an easy relationship with him. I am in a constant kerfuffle and I get/receive little in the way of sympathy from him.

Recently, his anger and frustrations at me has intensified. Everything I do seems to annoy him.

How does his anger manifest?

- He disagrees with most everything I say.
- He never tells me what people are discussing or have discussed. If I persist his response is 'you should've got off your arse and came in then'.
- He never has any sympathy for my social anxiety or social issues associated with my condition. Ever. Just yesterday he blamed me for my lack of friends and the rude behaviour of members in a social group that I attend. i.e. he always takes their side.
- Bottom line everything I do seems to anger him.

I do not know what this is all about or why I anger him so much. I don't usually speak to him that much. But when I do his response is usually anger.

He is this way to my mother at times, but never my sister. It's just an intense constant anger.

I'm tired of it and can't cope with this anymore. My mother will not defend me.

 

[Frostee]

My father yelled at me this evening because I tapped his headphones to talk.. soo glad I’ve been out everyday, all day recently.

 

[Fino]

My father yelled at me this evening because I tapped his headphones to talk.. soo glad I’ve been out everyday, all day recently.

It might be better to just put yourself in the person's view and wait for them. Being tapped in that way can be jarring. I'm not saying that means it's okay that he yelled, I think yelling is an over-reaction for sure, but I also would not like someone to tap on my headphones, let alone touch me at all (that last part maybe being just me).

 

[GadAbout]

My father yelled at me this evening because I tapped his headphones to talk.. soo glad I’ve been out everyday, all day recently.

Here's where you bring in an attitude of gratitude.

What is your father providing you?
- a place to live, presumably for free
- that new car you are getting - did he finance that?
- all the food you can eat
- did he help you with your college expenses?

Now I presume your dad works hard to make a living. When he comes home, he does not want to interact with you, particularly because these interchanges often get heated and angry. So why do you need to talk to him? Be grateful for what you got, and don't make more demands.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

My father yelled at me this evening because I tapped his headphones to talk.. soo glad I’ve been out everyday, all day recently.

That seems pretty rude. I would be annoyed if someone tapped on my headphones too.

 

[Creep]

My father yelled at me this evening because I tapped his headphones to talk.. soo glad I’ve been out everyday, all day recently.

Good rule of thumb: don’t put your hands on other people. What did you want to talk about?

 

[jorgealarcon]

I would suggest trying to introduce something different during conversations such politics, a favorite recipe you just found. Obviously your father is angry at your condition and feels it's hopeless and is powerless to help you overcome it.

I wish to share an interesting post I came across: Autistic Screeching: A Cry for Help from Children with Autism?

 

[novart]

There's a phenomenon in psychotherapy called transference. The reaction the patient/client has toward the therapist is not meaningful in itself so much as it is emblematic of how the person interacts with others. This feels a whole lot like that. See, some of us have interacted as helpfully and supportively as we know how with the OP and he never hears what we have to say, but just goes on complaining, usually about how he has been treated badly. I'm pretty sure this dynamic plays out in OP's home life too, but does he come here and ask "How can I get my father to discuss my job hunt with me?" No, he comes here and complains how mean his father is ... also mother ... also sister. His sister has "horrible moods" because after her full day, at 9 p.m., she doesn't want to drive OP places for his recreation ... but meanwhile he does nothing whatsoever to arrange his own recreation (but has plenty of excuses, that do not stand up to scrutiny).

The pattern is: complain --> get rejection or ignoring --> you are a horrible person.

I didn't "dig into (OP's) past post history" - i just remember how he treated me, including name-calling - and have no desire whatsoever to try to help him any more.

So sue me.

Just to clarify, I wasn't accusing you of digging into his post history, just saying that would be the only way I as a passing viewer would know if this was based on previous interactions or not unless I directly I asked.