Regretfully Diagnosed
Member
It might come off as offensive to some, because I know autism is not something to be ashamed of, but for me, it has been disastrous to have this diagnosis.
Let me explain a bit of my life story and how being diagnosed on the spectrum truly ruined my life and how it got back:
First of all, am I autistic? If this was 1975 the answer would be an absolute positive no. Today, probably...
I do not really “stim” in any way. Socially I am as extroverted as can be. I don't have problems with things like communication or understanding situations. I do not have sensory issues of any kind. I have never required assistance or accommodations. Bright lights do not bother me. I don't adhere to a routine or anything..
but...
I am a geek. I don't like eye contact. It feels weird to me. I do get obsessive. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of many things. I'm great at a lot of mathematics, data interpretation, memorization. None of these things really impact my ability to lead a normal happy life. I need accommodation for none of them.
How I was diagnosed:
In my late teens I had a kind of life crisis. It should have been temporary. It was typical teen drama. I thought my girlfriend was the love of my life and I thought losing her wasthe end of the world. I thought that my school was a living hell. Looking back... this was me being a teenager with some teenager mental health issues. They should have been over after a bit.
Instead I saw a psychiatrist. He ddeclared I had “Aspergers” which was a condition that I knew nothing about. But he told my parents and told them to make sure the school knew etc etc. I guess what it was was a combination of me having ADHD, being a distinct oddball, an uber-nerd and hating eye cointact (But none of this caused me problems in life, I cannot stress this enough. Prior to this I loved and celebrated who I was)
What happened after:
They gave me a special ed aid, despite my protests. My grades went from A's to F's because my life became completely saturated with the embarrassment. Also, I remember always being told all my limits and what I could do. I was lectured to all the time. I mean all the time.
So lets say I made a statement that was not literally true because it was an analogy or an overstatement. Like, before the diagnosis, it would be no big deal to say “Our football teams is going to slaughter Springfield at tonights match” that would never have gotten me pulled aside and lectured to about violence.. Well, once I had this diagnosis these kind of things happened all the time and I was always talked down to.
I also was put into a social skills group that taught me the most basic social skills. I was taught the most basic social skills with hard rules, which of course, I was way ahead of. When I protested of course I was talked down to.
This went on and on. I was shown videos that told me I was supposed to wear shoes to work. I was taught that it was normal to bathe or shower every day.
So after some time I started to believe this. I started to think “Wow. What if they are right and I have no social skills at all?” This lead to a profound depression. I started to hate myself a lot. I truly believed nobody liked me.
They asked me if I was picked on a lot. I'd say no. They'd respond that I probably didn't realize I was and that people were laughing at me, not with me. I started to believe this too.
I kept asking to be taken out of these classes and groups, but they would insist that I would fail at life without them.
From being a straight A student, I barely passed high school
Then came college:
I went to college hating myself and having lost all my friends (remember I was an extrovert, a class clown, a person who was friends with everyone before this) and I had zero confidence in making new ones. I truly believed that I was hated and had no social skills.
I had a personal tragedy in my life. It was one of those losses we all suffer sometimes, but it hurt. I went to a councilor. I revealed to them that I had aspergers. The advice they gave me could not have been worse. They told me I was unhappy because I was trying to be social and basically “living a lie.” I told them most of my pain came from the fact that I felt I needed to be isolated from people and I had no confidence to make friends.
This is what they told me (paraphrased): “You see other people get happiness from others, and you think that is what makes people happy so you are trying to make friends and have relationships. You're living a lie. People like you do not like being around other people. If you want to be happy you should be alone as much as possible and entertain yourself with math puzzles, logic games and memorizing facts. Autistic enjoy that. Autistics don't like having friends.”
This advice decimated my life. It almost drove me to suicide.
There's a lot more I could say about the terrible things I was told ranging from autism being related to psychopathy, that I had no ability to understand morality etc etc
By the time I dropped out of college I was a different person. I was bitter. I was mean. I hated everyone. I believed I could never be good and kind and loving, so why try? I literally hurt my family and friends (not physically) on purpose because I believed driving them out of my life was necessary. I also believed that I was incapable of being a good person, so why try?
Into my adult life:
I continued to fail at everything and went from one train wreck to another. MY self hatred and my pessimism for my ability to do anything I wanted in the future was destroying me. I could not motivate myself. I continued to see professionals who reinforced this. They forced me to make my mother my conservator. This was a disaster for me and my family relationships.
I ended up in a “vocational program for autistic adults.” I was paid minimum wage. I had my hours cut. I was talked at. Everything that was bad before got worse. I felt like a monster. They repeatedly violated my basic employment rights and no matter how much I protested they kept disclosing things in violation of HIPAA. I asked every day for help writing a resume to get a better job, since this was “vocational” but they told me I couldn't ever work anywhere else.
Things just got worse and worse as I was gaslit into thinking I had all the bad features of autism exaggerated to the absolute extreme. People would also come in and talk at me (or talk about me, in front of me, as if I was not there) about all the problems and bad things that must be associated with me like “We never had people like this years ago... I don't know what it is... they say it's not vaccines, but it must be something. Maybe polution? I don't know. I just feel terrible that so many people have this condition now. Look at David over there. He came from a good suburban area, what do you think went wrong with him? Maybe it is the chemicals in our foods...”
Do you know what it is like to be talked at like you're a sign of a major defect in society?
Let me explain a bit of my life story and how being diagnosed on the spectrum truly ruined my life and how it got back:
First of all, am I autistic? If this was 1975 the answer would be an absolute positive no. Today, probably...
I do not really “stim” in any way. Socially I am as extroverted as can be. I don't have problems with things like communication or understanding situations. I do not have sensory issues of any kind. I have never required assistance or accommodations. Bright lights do not bother me. I don't adhere to a routine or anything..
but...
I am a geek. I don't like eye contact. It feels weird to me. I do get obsessive. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of many things. I'm great at a lot of mathematics, data interpretation, memorization. None of these things really impact my ability to lead a normal happy life. I need accommodation for none of them.
How I was diagnosed:
In my late teens I had a kind of life crisis. It should have been temporary. It was typical teen drama. I thought my girlfriend was the love of my life and I thought losing her wasthe end of the world. I thought that my school was a living hell. Looking back... this was me being a teenager with some teenager mental health issues. They should have been over after a bit.
Instead I saw a psychiatrist. He ddeclared I had “Aspergers” which was a condition that I knew nothing about. But he told my parents and told them to make sure the school knew etc etc. I guess what it was was a combination of me having ADHD, being a distinct oddball, an uber-nerd and hating eye cointact (But none of this caused me problems in life, I cannot stress this enough. Prior to this I loved and celebrated who I was)
What happened after:
They gave me a special ed aid, despite my protests. My grades went from A's to F's because my life became completely saturated with the embarrassment. Also, I remember always being told all my limits and what I could do. I was lectured to all the time. I mean all the time.
So lets say I made a statement that was not literally true because it was an analogy or an overstatement. Like, before the diagnosis, it would be no big deal to say “Our football teams is going to slaughter Springfield at tonights match” that would never have gotten me pulled aside and lectured to about violence.. Well, once I had this diagnosis these kind of things happened all the time and I was always talked down to.
I also was put into a social skills group that taught me the most basic social skills. I was taught the most basic social skills with hard rules, which of course, I was way ahead of. When I protested of course I was talked down to.
This went on and on. I was shown videos that told me I was supposed to wear shoes to work. I was taught that it was normal to bathe or shower every day.
So after some time I started to believe this. I started to think “Wow. What if they are right and I have no social skills at all?” This lead to a profound depression. I started to hate myself a lot. I truly believed nobody liked me.
They asked me if I was picked on a lot. I'd say no. They'd respond that I probably didn't realize I was and that people were laughing at me, not with me. I started to believe this too.
I kept asking to be taken out of these classes and groups, but they would insist that I would fail at life without them.
From being a straight A student, I barely passed high school
Then came college:
I went to college hating myself and having lost all my friends (remember I was an extrovert, a class clown, a person who was friends with everyone before this) and I had zero confidence in making new ones. I truly believed that I was hated and had no social skills.
I had a personal tragedy in my life. It was one of those losses we all suffer sometimes, but it hurt. I went to a councilor. I revealed to them that I had aspergers. The advice they gave me could not have been worse. They told me I was unhappy because I was trying to be social and basically “living a lie.” I told them most of my pain came from the fact that I felt I needed to be isolated from people and I had no confidence to make friends.
This is what they told me (paraphrased): “You see other people get happiness from others, and you think that is what makes people happy so you are trying to make friends and have relationships. You're living a lie. People like you do not like being around other people. If you want to be happy you should be alone as much as possible and entertain yourself with math puzzles, logic games and memorizing facts. Autistic enjoy that. Autistics don't like having friends.”
This advice decimated my life. It almost drove me to suicide.
There's a lot more I could say about the terrible things I was told ranging from autism being related to psychopathy, that I had no ability to understand morality etc etc
By the time I dropped out of college I was a different person. I was bitter. I was mean. I hated everyone. I believed I could never be good and kind and loving, so why try? I literally hurt my family and friends (not physically) on purpose because I believed driving them out of my life was necessary. I also believed that I was incapable of being a good person, so why try?
Into my adult life:
I continued to fail at everything and went from one train wreck to another. MY self hatred and my pessimism for my ability to do anything I wanted in the future was destroying me. I could not motivate myself. I continued to see professionals who reinforced this. They forced me to make my mother my conservator. This was a disaster for me and my family relationships.
I ended up in a “vocational program for autistic adults.” I was paid minimum wage. I had my hours cut. I was talked at. Everything that was bad before got worse. I felt like a monster. They repeatedly violated my basic employment rights and no matter how much I protested they kept disclosing things in violation of HIPAA. I asked every day for help writing a resume to get a better job, since this was “vocational” but they told me I couldn't ever work anywhere else.
Things just got worse and worse as I was gaslit into thinking I had all the bad features of autism exaggerated to the absolute extreme. People would also come in and talk at me (or talk about me, in front of me, as if I was not there) about all the problems and bad things that must be associated with me like “We never had people like this years ago... I don't know what it is... they say it's not vaccines, but it must be something. Maybe polution? I don't know. I just feel terrible that so many people have this condition now. Look at David over there. He came from a good suburban area, what do you think went wrong with him? Maybe it is the chemicals in our foods...”
Do you know what it is like to be talked at like you're a sign of a major defect in society?